DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Southern Charm :: 

Finallyyyy it’s back! I love this show always.  And they always seem to have such long hiatus’ between seasons!
We are reunited with the group and learn that pretty much everyone has broken up.  Naomi and Craig broke up for obvious reasons.  (the reason being: Craig).  Austen and Chelsea broke up because Austen quit his job, wanted her to pay for everything, and to wake up at 3 am for sexy time.  So he moved on with her friend, Victoria.  Very smart.  And Shep and the twenty something from his spin-off Relationshep, which is so obvious why it never went anywhere.  Oh, and Danni and her fiancé.  Yikes. OH.  And the biggest of them all: JD and Elizabeth.  Now….. I know it is impolite and just plain wrong to get any joy out of this….but I do.

(editors note: in fact, it is my favorite word : Schadenfreude.  Glee at another’s misfortune.  But it really is. I don’t know why but I thought this word was hilarious when I learned it when I was younger and have loved it ever sense. Not the meaning, I’m not a total ass (75%??), just love the word.)
BUT.  I really do take joy out of seeing JD finally get what’s been coming to him all these years.  All those cocky coughing-laugh fits with Thomas and plugs for Bourbon Gentry and him acting holier than though in his commentary.  OH HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN, JD.  (and no, he was never mighty, but in his own mind he clearly was.)  But really, what is it about his coughy-scratchy good-ol-boy speech that just makes my skin crawl? Because it does!

We learn that JD has not only been accused of dodging rent but also cheating with 20-somethings on Elizabeth, but the real take-down of JD happens tonight at the dinner table, so we can discuss more next week.  (seriously, who are these young girls wanting to sleep with JD and Thomas? they need to seek help.)

Kathryn is settled up in an apartment that is “all her own and perfect for her two babies” and all I keep thinking is how I am childless and see 974 things that those squash those kids or come crashing down the moment I lay eyes on it.  Sweet mirror resting against the wall Kathryn – another reason for us all to believe you are mother of the year.  Also, it’s just a pretty hideous apartment.  Almost as hideous as the 1997 highlights she has going through her fiery red hair.  (No…. not striking through it….. it’s true and it stays.)
Sorry not sorry; it’s true.  Your cut looks great though!
I really can’t wait to see it styled like this later :

Kathryn is doing her crazy facial expressions and acting like a lunatic 17 year old scorned from the get go, and it keeps me wondering if she will EVER become a mature, self aware human being (odds of that happening as a bravolebrity? ask the Vanderpump kids……)
But what makes me nuts about all of this is that Chelsea, Naomi, and Danni all seem to be fairly respectable, intelligent girls with a good head on their shoulders.  There is NO WAY the three of them would ever touch Kathryn with a ten foot pole.  When did it suddenly become Team Kathryn?! There’s a difference between women banding together and being there for one another and women having a mutual distaste for Thomas so acting like Kathryn is suddenly the greatest human alive.  I apparently have a difficult time censoring myself when I strongly dislike someone, if you can’t tell….. which basically what I can’t stand about Kathryn, so, again – I am the biggest hypocrite of all it seems….. 

Speaking of Thomas, he’s doing exactly what we all would expect: being a complete pervert, sleeping with someone far too young for his age, pretending to be a committed father while always having a cocktail in hand and using the other hand to pat the tush of the twenty something, and speaking as though he is still a respectable governor.

I’d like to think that I wouldn’t judge Ashley, his new young thing, for being with him because maybe she is unaware of his past (yeah right) or maybe she thinks that people make mistakes and they change (ha!) . BUT.  Thomas is different.  He not only impregnated the 21 year old, then had the most tumultuous relationship for us all to see on TV, he then RE-IMPREGNATED her because he’s an idiot with zero self control.  and no, I don’t care that re-impregnated is not a word.  Don’t come here for proper grammar people – I prefer sleep over proofreading and watching TV while typing instead of looking at the screen.
ANYWAYS.  That pretty girl in the short shorts wanting to make a good impression at the group BBQ is a fame whore or a moron.  I’ll agree with crazy Kathryn on that one.

Everyone is going to be reconvening at Shep’s new place by the beach to celebrate his birthday, and the grilling timeline was the highlight of the episode for me.  Why on earth Shep thought Craig could handle cooking the food is beyond me, but it was wonderful to watch the two of them bicker for hours while they tried to prepare a dinner party.  Maybe next time spend Shep should spend his trust fund dough on catering, too instead of just decorations and table settings.  But hey….. what do I know?

OH.  And Whitney made a cameo and still looks like the puppet from Mr. Rogers, his mom has a new gentleman caller and a rock the size of a paperweight on her hand, and Cameron is the only one still in a committed relationship, living her best life with Chick-fil-A awaiting her baby’s arrival.

::  Vanderpump Rules :: 

I can’t believe we are still in Mexico and back again at the scene of Kristin’s drink hurling, but I am thoroughly enjoying the multiple shots of Tom’s giant S bedazzled pinkey ring.  Leave it to Tom to have a bedazzled pinkey ring the size of a super bowl ring.

Kristin continues to try to make herself relevant with the drunken fit at dinner…. blah blah blah…..

Lala is still very PO’d about getting a drink thrown on her slash Kristin and the boys all ganging up on James and she turns into her “I’ll cut a bitch” self ASAP.  She’s “poppin’ off” things like “I’ll light that bitches house on fire! We’re like Dr. Dre…. does she know who shes messing with?!”  All of this is followed immediately by her sucking on her baby bottle laying in bed.  (tv. gold.) Watch out bitches, there’s nothing like a gangster lady sucking from a baby bottle scorned.

The final morning of the trip, Jax is itching for some female attention that a girlfriend can’t give, so he kicks Brittany out of the room for some alone time to call his Reiki master. He plays the Saint that he is and tells her how there’s just other people drinking and starting drama and it’s so frustrating and UGH it’s totally NOT him, it’s just what people are doing around him.  He certainly isn’t getting wasted until 7 AM every night and starting the drama by telling everyone about James and Kristin and then changing the story about what James said on the golf course.  No.  Certainly not.  Jax “Jason” would never do such a thing.

Kelsey tells Jax “Jason” that he needs to be like “Nelson Man-DELLY”, and then he educates the viewers on who he thinks Nelson Man-Delly might be.

It’s nauseating to me how much Jax is smiling (beaming, really) into this FaceTime call as he ends with a “love you” and she calls him honey.  Excuuuuuse me? Like, haven’t seen his face that bright and beaming ever.

Back in LA, Lala heads in to work with lips so noticably plumper that LVP comments the moment she walks into SUR.  Lala explains she sucked on a bottle cap thing (??)  too long and that the swelling will go down.  I am VERY confused and they cut to a photo of her lips looking out of this world (like, arguably bigger than Kim Zolciak Bierman’s lips..that’s the kind of big we’re talking about. )

What is this bottle cap thing that lala sucks on to make her lips look that insane?! I googled and it’s just showing her visits to a plastic surgeon so please tell me what on earth could POSSIBLY make someones lips look like they did in the photo.

I really can’t tell if I think that Kristin and James hooked up??  I haven’t been this conflicted about bad people behaving badly in quite some time…… Listening to Kristin tell Carter about it and act as though SHE WOULD NEVERRR cheat (while seeing all of the cheating flashbacks) makes me realize even more that she’s a match made in heaven with Jax (or James.)  Truly terrible people.

Back in LA, Jax has a meltdown at Sur about Scheana messing with his relationship and blah blah blah.
I’m just disappointed we barely got any talk about 7-Minute-Rob and Baby Madison Parks Valetta this week….. but don’t worry, she still OF COURSE brought up their impending nuptials and non-existant future daughters name.

:: Wait, what? :: 
I somehow missed the rumors in February about Rachel McAdams being pregnant, but she has welcomed a baby boy.  Shows what kind of celeb gossip reporter I am….. Is this dad one of those much older men she chooses to date? I’m too lazy to google anything today….

:: Khloe’s Baby Daddy Cheating :: 
Speaking of baby mama’s and daddy’s, Khloe is due to give birth any day now and sheyite has hit the fan.  While away for basketball games, he was caught cheating this week and taking someone to his hotel, but apparently back in October when she was 3 months pregnant there’s a whole bunch more footage of him with 2 women.

How did it take that long for this to leak?! Did Kris manage to keep it under wraps or was Khloe none the wiser? And seriously WTF is wrong with people? Basketball players especially it seems!
And although Khloe is my favorite Kardashian and no one deserves this….. it has to be said: The two of them got together when his other baby mama was fully pregnant, too…. so again I ask: WHY do people think they will magically be different?! So stupid.
And I just realized that she is stuck in Cleveland whether she likes it or not for the birth of this baby…. yikes.

:: RHONY ::

Bullet points, because my e-mails to my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen to move all important shows to M and T nights so I don’t have to write this late at night have gone unanswered :

Carole walks into lunch hungover from the night before, and it’s like, yeah NO CRAP. Why ON EARTH was she smoking real cigarettes all night at the party for her costume? Has she never heard of an e-cig or just using it as a prop? My mind is truly blown that a 54 year old non smoker who hasn’t worked out a day in her life would rip cigs the week of the marathon for a costume? It just makes zero sense.  Although, I’d rather talk about the hangover than this damn marathon though so let’s get back to that.
Ramona informs us that she is a “Maven of the Hamptons” and that is what she believes caused the real estate tiff with her and Bethenny.  Ramona….. Bethenny is a betch and you are right….. until you call yourself a Maven of the Hamptons.  Then you’re the same as Bethenny saying ‘I have 5 homes you have 2’.  And Bethenny is also being hypocritical saying “As long as Ramona is better than everyone else she’s happy.”  Hnmmmm pot meet kettle?? Pretty sure the ‘I have 5 homes you have 2″ is exactly that.

Sonja is back to her ways – commenting on Tinz and her money and if it’s Scott’s and why she isn’t staying with her still versus renting an apartment for 10 grand a month.  I love me some Sonja.
Love her hosting her “Wednesday night parties for the gays” that she has been hosting forever.  I’d love to know if she really does this every Wednesday.
how do we kindly tell Sonja that her interview look with the red dress and red lip is not a good choice…. she is so pretty and that is so bad! 

OH. EM. GEE. I cannot with LuAnn walking into dinner with Tinz with this hair.
I am DYING.  Dead.  And then she follows it up with relationship advice for Tinz.  HA!
Tinz needs to keep the straight hair.  It looks great.  And it looks even better as she keeps calling out Lu for her BS.

Drinking word of the night: Marathon.  Hashtag I’d rather be sober and not have to listen about it.
Carole has the audacity to sit there asking who is going to throw her a party for running the marathon. Awk-ward.

Luann acting like she is “keeping the Countess” because of her 3 “hit tracks” and pandora station and “brand” is the most hysterical moment of the episode.

I want to know from Bethenny why she says she is not at the marathon (drink!) (even though we know now there’s clearly something going on between them._  How can your BFF not be there for the only thing you talk about!?
Question of the week : How much are we going to still be talking about the marathon next week?  Follow up question: What is Carole going to talk about now that the marthon is over?  Final question: Seriously how drunk would you be in marathon was the drinking word of the night?

:: LuAnn Deflects ::

After Luann got herself into trouble with her black face “normal bronzer” on the Halloween premiere episode last week, it seems like she is doing her best to deflect (a word the vanderpump rules kids learned on the golf course last week) by joining the #metoo movement to discuss Russell Simmons groping her.   My comment isn’t about Russel, more just to remind everyone that she said she was wearing her normal make up for Halloween….. riiiiiiiiiiight.

:: RHOBH :: 

Is Berlin the most boring trip in Housewives History?? I’m gonna say it.  It’s a hard YES.  Even when OC went to Ireland, we got Vicki sending herself bouquets of flowers, a huge fight in a luxury department store with Tamra ready to kill Kelly Dodd, and of course the infamous shuttle for the flight home where sheyite HIT THE FAN with Kelly Dodd/Heather Dubrow/and the rest of them.  And even when OC went to Iceland, with boring Lydia and painful to watch new housewife whats-her-face-that-makes-her-husband-“do butterfly” – we got Vicki faking her death and being rolled out on a stretcher with a sheet over her entire body like a corpse  (and no…. it’s not even worth googling to figure out “do butterfly’s” name at the moment… you know who I am talking about).
So yeah, so far, Berlin is giving me nothing.  Even these HIDEOUS ensembles the ladies like to pretend are “fash-un” don’t give me enough to make fun of.  I mean, you went shopping at a department store last week for brand names I can drive 5 minutes from my house to buy at a shopping mall in America surrounded by people stuffing their faces with Auntie Annie’s and The Great American Cookie Co., so don’t even try to act like you would know what exploring a city and it’s fashion involves.
sorry…. I really went on a spiral there…. you get my point, right?? 

The “fash-un” continues and the ladies dress code has clearly changed from “black combat boots + hideous outwear” to “two bit hooker” for dinner.
Teddi correctly identifies this as an awful costume party, and jokes that she must have missed the memo.  Hate to break it to you Teddi, but YOU LOOK LIKE YOU GOT THE MEMO, because you look CRAZY in that puff sleeve rhinestone outfit! Seriously – who dresses these people!?!

Erika is excused for her lateness just this once because it was her “latex look” this evening.  She needed some time with the baby powder and oil and the concoction required to put that top on.

I feel like all of this effort would be more enjoyable if it actually looked good? Am I the only one that doesn’t enjoy the majority of these lewks? At least not the crazy looking ones like this? Erika almost getting run over by a biker in the latex look when she finally arrived made it all worth it.

Teddi and Erika bury the hatchet, but not without Erika being scary and an ass again while doing it.

If we cut to another scene with LVP where its all about her dogs on RHofBH and then its all about construction progress of Tom Tom on VR I’m gonna lose ma mind.
This week, like last, pretty much sucked.  God bless RH of NYC.

:: Speaking of Fash-un ::
Kyle and Dorit were wearing practically identical ensembles at my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen’s California WWHL.  Gold glitter blazer with the black skinny pants.   And not a good look.  Kyle’s especially, with the long drapey top under the cropped sparkle blazer – everytime she stood it just looked awful?! (love her….. but no).  And don’t even get me started on Dorit’s rack jammed into another black tube top….. when my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen commented on them they almost burst out from the under the blazer all on their own!

:: Shannon and David Beador ::

The divorce keeps getting ugly (which doesn’t come as too much of a surprise really?!)  David has been sending nasty texts, filled with lots of poo emojis – how mature!, to Shannon and she went to Jeff Lewis’ podcast to have no problem sharing all.  Also not mature, and this is awful for the kids, but for my personal entertainment, I’m loving it.
Now theres a text battle between Jeff Lewis and David.

:: Jackhole of the Week ::

Kate Gossellin is coming back to TV.
I CANNOT.
And it’s a dating show?!
I REALLY. REALLY. CAN’T.

Can we all just agree to boycott this, even if it was the last show on earth? K thanks.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews