discuss amongst ya-selves…..
today’s coffee talk won’t have as much witty commentary and incredible gifs, because instead of googling images for an hour and laughing my ass off while kip stares at me and says “I don’t get it”, I stood in front of the closet for two hours trying to pack for our honeymoon. then I decided I need all new clothes. then I got sad when I realized I forgot to order the damn monogrammed bikini I have been dreaming about ordering for my honeymoon for months with my new initials, because how perfect of a bikini for me to own, except now that I waited until 9 days before the wedding I can’t order it because it won’t arrive in time.
i’m such a procrastinating dumb ass.
anyways….. we’ll get right to the basic bullet points:
The Bachelorette:
#youresoannoying
this season of the bachelorette is the most boring ever
yes, the way chris harrison says every rose ceremony is the way I dramatize how awful every weeks episodes every season are, but seriously this time…. it really is THE most boring season ever
thank god for the drunk guy. why do all the good ones get sent home?
remember how pissed and upset andi was last season when she had to be the nude girl “for charity” last season…. yeah…. why not make subject everyone else to it now? except 10x worse: as legit strippers….. because that makes sense
oh…. but its for charity
they say “its for charity” 27 times…..
yes, the way chris harrison says every rose ceremony is the way I dramatize how awful every weeks episodes every season are, but seriously this time…. it really is THE most boring season ever
thank god for the drunk guy. why do all the good ones get sent home?
remember how pissed and upset andi was last season when she had to be the nude girl “for charity” last season…. yeah…. why not make subject everyone else to it now? except 10x worse: as legit strippers….. because that makes sense
oh…. but its for charity
they say “its for charity” 27 times…..
yet they NEVER once say what the charity is
ABC producers are complete bullshit liars….. I wonder when the guy who is afraid of heights will RANDOMLY get picked to bungee jump or rapel down a building (cough:: I bet ya ten bucks and what little is left of my dignity that its next week)
why does she get so mad that someone gets drunk?
she seriously is no fun at all. stick. up. her. ass.
she is acting like someone getting drunk and jumping in the pool is the most devastating thing to have ever happened to her in her entire life.
why does she think she is such a bad ass?
do you think its attractive to act like you have balls larger than the “mostly douchey amazing 14 guys on this journey with you?”
because I assure you….. it’s not
Andi’s line of the season I already cannot stand: “whaaaaaat??” as her flirty response to anything they say on a date
…. and because it has to be said….. Eric, the guy who passed away since filming, is the biggest catch they have ever had on the show and it is so horrifyingly sad I can’t stand it. he is so intelligent and attractive and comes from a normal family who is all married with kids and seriously anything you could want….you can tell even andi is like “yeah… this isn’t gonna happen. you are way too good for me and for this show…”
RHONYC:
kristin needs to stop bitching about ramona and start bitching some more about her husband josh
he is horrible.
i don’t know their marriage or personalities or relationship in real life, nor do I really care
(lies….. I total care)
but I do have eyeballs. and those eyeballs happen to have 20/20 vision.
I see josh. I see kristin.
based on the way josh speaks to kristin and about her, I think he is blind.
if you’re going to make asshole comments about your hot wife’s physical appearance, you better at least be somewhere near the attractive level that she is….. aaaaaaand your not even close.
so shut your pie hole.
aviva……. and her gross dad, are back.
damn.
I was hoping we could go a few more episodes without hearing her voice.
her dad somehow one-upped himself in the filthy-disgusting-department and has conversations with his daughter about putting mirrors on her ceiling in her bedroom, and explicit reasons why that is a good idea.
aviva:
your book shouldn’t be about losing a limb,
it should be about being raised by someone as horrifying as your father.
say it with me now……{PREACH!}
My boyfriend Andy Cohen’s poll questions are occasionally a landslide, but I have never seen it be 97% for NO.
the question: would you marry aviva’s dad.
and in terms of sonja and the doggy funeral, I say this:
I don’t know about you,
but nothing calms me down and centers me like a woman banging on a drum a mere 6 inches from my face.
i’m almost done with rob lowe’s book
stories I only tell my lover taylor friends.
every night I stay up way past my bedtime because I just can’t put it down.
he seriously is even hotter now such a good writer.
I do that creepy thing I catch myself doing where I smile at the TV, except I’m smiling as I’m reading.
I just don’t even hold back on here with the truth anymore.
I have never given much thought to him, but now I am fully in the stalker fan club. i love him.
mazel of the week:
small mouth, from francine from Arthur’s ben’s season of the bachelor.
coffee talk was the best it’s ever been when she graced us with her presence every monday night on his season.
she would be a hell of a lot more fun as the bachelorette
bitchy, has no female friends, likes to drink, and jumps naked into the ocean instead of donning one pieces anytime she is on camera.
Amen!
OMG that doppleganger photo is too funny!!! Yay for honeymoon packing!!
You are the funniest thing I have enjoyed in the longest time!!!!! My husband looks at me like you described your pre~husband looking at you and just not understanding what in the world I am laugh/crying at! Keep up the good work! Have a fabulous wedding!!!!!
You are so funny! I'm sure Rob would love you just as much as you over him.
Hahha! Love this!
Aviva and Andi… SO over them both!
I love your Coffee Talk posts! I'm with you on Rob Lowe…he was never on my radar and now I know more than I should about him after reading both his books and becoming a Wikipedia/Google expert on his life. FYI: Courtney from Ben's season of the Bachelor has written a tell-all book to be published soon about dating Celebrities! She's a classy chick! Happy Wedding to you!