Coffee Talk

discuss amongst ya-selves…….

:: The Bachelor ::

I don’t want to sound all Chris-Harrison with his annoying THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER

but this cast, and Mondays episode, was THE CRAZIEST BACHELOR EPISODE EVER.

seriously. THE craziest. and possibly most amazing.

and I have seen every single episode of every. single. season.

{cut to me desperately needing to get a life…. since 2002. I mean…..}

princess-belly-button-ring-virgin-wannabe-KimKardashian summed the episode up best when she desperately cried “It’s a battle of who’s tragic story is worse!”

she goes on to tearily and angrily state that her own story is basically nothing compared to the girl who’s husband dieds story is so good!!!!

THIS EPISODE IS SO F’ED UP.

but I’m getting a head of myself……….

these girls are dumb as rocks.

the gang travels to new mexico, which Megan (total lush at all hours of every day on every episode…… #jealous) goes on and on to explain to us is out of the country, filled with sandy beaches, people all over wearing sombreros, and possibly was founded before old mexico, but she’s not sure on that last one so don’t quote her on that old-vs-new thing.

The first date with Carly is with a weird heavy-breathing/sex guru and its just painful and awful and horrible to watch.

thats all I’m even saying about it because frankly I’m still trying to get over it.
and then there was more BS “this is my story” crap that just gets really embarrassing to watch and I want to yell through the TV to them “DONT DO THIS ON TV! HE DOESNT NEED TO KNOW THIS ON YOUR FIRST DATE!”

The group date is white water rafting -aka- every girls dream. Especially all these lipstick and mascara girls dreams.
{editors note: if I were on this show, I would be fuming inside. you leave your job for all of these awful dates – camping, white water rafting, costco?? I’d be like ummmm when is the trip to europe and tahiti coming because I volunteered to be ridiculed by america so I at least should get some free trips out of it people.}

Jade, the shy quiet secret playboy playmate, falls into the rapids.

Uh oh!! Jade has a cold disorder losing circulation + getting hypothermia when she’s cold….

normally I would not make fun of this “medical condition”, however,

HOW COLD ARE YOU WHEN YOURE NAKED!!

And I used the watch The Girls Next Door on E! when they would show the playboy photo shoots….they do things to make sure your…. COLD….so that the ladies stay alert…. Soooooo riddle me that JADE?!

Later that night ~~on the boring group date you can fast forward through entirely~~, Jameson-to-the-face Jordan comes back.

Then she leaves. The girls are all “OMG NO FAIR” blah blah who cares.

Britt gets the one on one date.
she gets woken up at 4 am by chris!

We learn she has a feat of heights, so, like every season of the history of the show, she gets the heights date!

We also learn she has a fear of showers and razors.

I hear ya Britt…. I hate it. But we’re grown ups. We all have to do it.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE ON TV.

The fear extends to face wash : she sleeps w lipstick and glitter shadow on her face.

I MEAN REALLY. THE LIPSTICK. IM DYING THIS SEASON.

so then we get to main cray-cray of the show.

Kelsey, the young widow.

Now…. this girls “storyline” for the show you would think would imply she is one of the nice girls with a horrible past…. or at least that would be how ABC would portray her.

But. Eh. No.

The girls are so crazy this season that they have to go to Plan B when their “nice widow” portrayal gets blown to crap by the fact that she is A MEANIE AND A CRAZY.

And sure, she will say/people will say its the way the producers edited her.

WATCH THIS VIDEO IF YOU DONT EVEN WATCH THE SHOW.

“Isn’t my story amazing.”
and then SHE KISSES HIM.

I’m sorry….. there was no other way to edit it…. I am disgusted by her behavior and words.

Even her speech and the way she talks is so affected when she’s talking to him.

It was so much to handle that ABC didn’t even have the rose ceremony in the episode, it was to be continued because they crazy-pants-kelsey has a panic attack and is crying and lord only knows what. stay tuneddddddd.

So, tell me gals, WHAT are we thinking with the latest with Bruce Jenner?
Are they really going to air all of this on their show?
I feel like the poor thing just wants to be left alone and Kris is still dragging everything onto the damn TV Screen!!!! I mean, honestly, who are the awful people that watch programs like that anyway???
(cough……)

do you know the only thing I’m looking at in that picture?
yep. the 17 year olds lips. good lord.

:: RHOBH ::

Kim is off her rocker. For real.

We pick up where the driveway-fight and Kim going to the hospital after pain pills leads off.

Brandi is talking to Kim and when Kim says Kyle was by to check on her earlier that day, Brandi gets jealous-ex-boyfriend face and it is truly alarming.

Why is she obsessed with destroying sisters relationship? I just don’t get it.

Kim decides DUH! When there was just a huge, out of control fight the last time the two were together, that she should TOTALLY bring uninvited Brandi to Kyle’s party without so much as a single text as a kind warning of her awful, selfish, crazy idea.

When they are in the car on the way to this “what could go wrong?” surprise,

Kim says the following to Brandi :

“That’s why things go very well for you Brandi…. because you have a very big heart and you want people to do well.”
Um.
{long pause}
{long pause continues}
{clearly pills were taken tonight too if those words just came out of her mouth}

on an unrelated note, I LOVE Kim’s white jumpsuit.
Looking BANGIN.
But I think Kim is trusting Brandi a little too much and possibly trusting her plastic surgeon (ALARM! ALARM!) because her face is looking awfully….. well…. changed like Brandi’s. And we know that is not in a good way.

I wanted to reach through the TV and shake Kyle!
Do NOT stoop so low as to even TRY with Brandi because she gets you all riled up and you only look bad yourself. I mean…. watch your F bombs! SO many F bombs.

Don’t bother with that trash!

Brandi, who as Kim reminded us, has a very big heart and wants people to do well, tells Kyle “You’re not wanted…..ask your F’ing husband.”
yeahhhhh.
but apparently Kim didn’t hear her because she’s busy puffin THE E CIG!!!

THE E CIG RETURNS TO RHOBH!!!!!
and they barely even gave that glorious moment the air time it deserved!

damn you Bravo!!!!

apparently Lance Armstrong is still as big of a lying ass as he was before

and he let his girlfriend take the fall for his DUI.
well done, lance. quite the gentleman.

UM THERE ARE COMMERCIALS FOR SOUTHERN CHARM COMING BACK!
theres no way it’ll end as amazingly as last season (a surprise pregnancy between 50 year old and 24 year old can’t really happen again) but I cannot wait.

am I the only one that is like
“WTF is this riri, kanye, paul mccartney thing?”
like…… what?

jackhole of the week :
katie. and tom schwartz. and kristen.
I mean….. ALL of them.
but seriously katie….. tom just keeps cheating and you have ZERO reaction at all?
HONESTLY. GAWD.
I love that stassi had ZERO air time this week.

katie looked really, really pretty…… and then her pink leopard bra kept showing in her dress THE WHOLE TIME.

oh wait…. I want to give the full jackhole to tom because of him in general,
but especially his hair on WWHL.
and way to totally lie about “being pre-med”.

all of zero people believed that lie anyway tom.

hokay, thats all for today. BYE TRICK.

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

Comments

Sarah O says: February 5, 2015 at 2:47 pm

Your account of the Bachelor is spot on. What a bunch of crazies this season!
Laura {happily ever} Parker says: February 5, 2015 at 5:33 pm

I think Katie looks pregnant. IDK the wrap of the dress, fuller boobs and a certain glow. Hopefully I am wrong because he cheats once he sure as hell will chat again (oh wait, he already did)!
Dani says: February 6, 2015 at 10:02 pm

As someone that is from and lives in NEW Mexico I could not handle the stupidity that was Monday night. The icing on the cake was that they kept displaying the location as "SantE Fe" (seriously, the episode is even titled that). It's SantA fe. So pathetic that they're going to this "wonderful, gorgeous, romantic destination and can't even get the name right! I really liked Katie and Tom together but he has just proven himself to be douchelord again and again this season. "The Truth will eventually come out". WOOF.
rox says: February 9, 2015 at 1:31 am

Cannot WAIT for Southern Charm to come back on!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEK! And you're right – NOTHING can beat last season. But I'm dang sure still gonna watch. Gotta love my home state reppin' like that.