discuss amongst ya-selves…..
:: BACHELOR ::
oh, hometowns. the dates where we get to see the people who bred the crazy betches.
always a good time.
first up, amanda ‘teen mom’ hometown.
I don’t know which had my jaw drop to the floor longer – gladiator sandals or ben’s damn tight pants in the intro, to then be followed by his damn tight SHORTS on the beach to meet amanda and her kids.
BEN. there are children present millions of americans with eyeballs who do not need to see your pasty man thighs.
LOCK IT UP.
and then I was just in physical pain thinking about amanda’s poor little girls feet after playing on the beach in GLADIATOR SANDALS.
huh?
first of all, why are these even made for those little legs? I feel like my husband commenting on people putting their small dogs in outfits, but seriously, this is just not right or necessary.
your child can be a fashionista without gladiator sandals. especially on sand. I just can’t.
only in orange county I suppose.
ANYWAYS, I love Amanda and she deserves a 10 – but this is just never gonna happen.
next up, Lauren B.
lauren b’s hometown is hands down the best.
they eat at a bunch of food trucks and then go to a really pretty liquor bar.
YES. PLEASE.
this is how my any normal human falls in love.
how pissed would you be if you were on this show and never called your name the entire time, but instead your name with an initial, even when NO ONE ELSE named Lauren is left and I can’t even tell you what other chick was named Lauren if my life depended on it.
oh wait, as I type that, I think it was the chick with really good hair? but WHO CARES just call her Lauren ABC!
I guess being called Lauren B. is a better alternative than being called “baby lolo”.
lauren’s family wins the most normal award with that rare exception of baby lolo commentary.
ugh.
and ben…. seriously….
I have never seen a grown ass man cry this much. Except perhaps Jason Mesnick’s season, where he enjoys hurling himself over a balcony crying.
but instead you even cry when answering simple questions like what is it you like about my sister.
Ben, I’m a cryer, and I’m looking at you like you’re crazy
date with Caila.
stop saying Mommy and Daddy Caila! ahhhh!
editors note : these two are perfect for each other
the way she talks has officially began to make me crazy. her speech is affected and she talks as though she is speaking to a four year old about something a four year old would get excited about but that the rest of the grown adult population wouldn’t blink twice at.
ya know what I mean?
perfectly nice family I’m sure, but the mommy and daddy talk combined with the toy factory stuff and a million other things are making me feel uncomfortable.
actually…. perhaps its that caila kind of talks like a child, got all excited about coloring and building toy houses, and calls her parents mommy and daddy repeatedly….
yeah I think I know why my like for her dissipated this week…..
the date with JoJo kicks off with flowers….. from her ex boyfriend.
hmmmmm….. how did her ex boyfriend know what day she would be home from filming and at her apartment at the exact hour she waits for Ben to arrive?
these producers are shady as hell. Lifetime’s show UnReal, the bachelor-mockery-scripted show, has got it RIGHT.
when I saw the preview for hometowns last week, I immediately recognized JoJo’s hot brother from Ready For Love, because I am psychotic and have an insane mental capacity for storing BS.
Ready For Love was an NBC show created by Eva Longoria that I was in love with, that no one else in the world watched and was cancelled mid-season out of nowhere, and the rest of it played out online on Hulu. Who made sure to watch every single week on Hulu after it got cancelled?
THIS GUY.
It was great. And Shaindy, the crazy ex-miss USA, whom I also psychotically recognized immediately when SHE appeared on THAT reality show, made it ten times better.
BUT I DIGRESS.
hot brother was all about judging ben for being on a reality dating show and dating a bunch of women, and he should!
hot brother only started with like 10 or 15 girls not 25 so he is completely classy and a step above this Ben guy trying to date his sister who cries about all of his dates all day long.
we all know who I would pick for the win this week. JoJo. JoJo’s Mom.
Her mom chugs champagne straight from the bottle in the kitchen.
So, her family meets my requirements.
I love how calm Amanda is about her getting dumped. She’s like whatever you aren’t good enough for me anyway, but hey you know what would have been nice, telling me back at home so I didn’t have to leave my daughters and have someone else try to lace up their gladiator sandals because its really difficult to do.
More importantly, we are SO CLOSE to The Women Tell All.
I can’t wait until I can see even just the preview for it!
:: RHOBH ::
this week’s episode, I don’t really have that much to say about.
(except the ending was awkward and Lisa Vanderpump lit-tra-lee cannot ever be apologetic for anything. anything.
but yes, all you LVP lovers ‘Eileen is too emotional blah blah blah’. true, but the only thing Eileen is guilty of is wearing the most hideous dress to ever be seen in RHOBH history to erica jane’s BBQ last week)
i digress,
the previews for the rest of the season I’m like WOAH HEY DAMN WOAH HEY NOW.
there’s sheyite coming from everyone, at everyone, to anyone.
I’m scared.
can’t wait.
:: VANDERPUMP RULES ::
I’ve decided that Britanny, Jax’s adorable but must be dumb as rocks girlfriend to be with Jax must be using him just as much as he uses her and walks all over her.
No one, I pray, is stupid enough to put up with all of the stuff he puts her through, and risk getting every STD in the books, unless they are getting something.
She must want some Bravolebrity Fame and I guess she also wanted some boobs.
One of the more repulsive things to witness Jax do (I mean not really in the grand scheme of Jax, but still, for a normal person its awful) is watching him tell her what size breasts to get and tell her what to do to her body and tell her that if he is paying for them he is getting what he wants.
these people are SICKKKK.
but this show is sickeningly good. and I watch it sooooo…… I know I know, I’m sick. just in a different way then them. so I’ll live with myself.
highlight of this week was watching Ariana and Kristin having a bitch fight about HOW SERIOUSLY THEY TAKE SKETCH COMEDY.
(cue me, crying laughing, its just SO. DAMN. GOOD.)
ariana is PEEEEESED that kristin did sketch comedy the other night. and she didn’t see it, but it wasn’t even funny.
“I take sketch comedy very seriously, so it offends me when people think they can just do it.”
oh no wait wait wait wait!!
perhaps the highlight was James!
“I’m working on a Pump CD. It’s basically 10 songs composed, written and produced by me. It’s pretty much my greatest accomplishment I’ve done in my life yet. I’m very ambitious and talented in what I’m doing. I don’t mean to sound conceited, but I’m the white f**king Kanye West.”
excuse me while I wipe the stream of tears off my cheeks from crying laughing
….. oh my gosh this show is just too good.
:: MAZEL ::
to the final 4 this week on the bachelor.
did you see how they all smiled at each other when they walked in and you could tell they wanted to talk but the @$$hole producers don’t let them talk until later?
they’re all so nice and nice to each other this season!
it’s refreshing.
now if only ben would stop crying……
EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.
#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.
Ben and Jason are 2 peas in a pod both dramatic criers. and that cry while talking to Lauren's sister was so fake. and can we discuss how pretty Lauren's sister is?? I am sure Ben noticed that and thought she would love the tears. Ellen's dress was so bad it was more like lingerie. and I am still amazed at the farm of animals Lisa v has at her home. I am not gonna lie I kind of love the tiny horses…..
Love your recaps!!! Look forward to them every week. I knew you'd notice JoJo's mom chugging the champs. Definitely for the win this week! Also can't wait for the women tell all – will watch while chugging my own bottle of champagne. xo
– Susan C.
The gladiator sandals!! I had the same thought! I am thinking Lauren B is gonna get the FINAL final rose!
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