:: COFFEE TALK ::

discuss amongst ya-selves…..

:: BACH IN PARADISE ::

We kick back off with Ashley / Princess Jasmine crying her eyes out that no one makes her happier than Jared and she misses him every time he leaves the room.

Good God.

She is so crazy. A level of crazy I just can’t even comprehend because I don’t think a single Bachelor contestant is on this level.

You hear her sobbing in the background while Jared cozies back up to Kayla. It was sad, yet hilarious.

Carly is now super into Evan…..

Of course she is!!! How could he have been so silly?

It was obviously Evan all along!

Rose Ceremony : Princess Jasmine Bright Red Lipstick doesn’t get a rose.

Thank God cry baby is gone.

OH WAIT. STOP THE CAR.

She’s not leaving. She’s walking back in.

Lord help us all.

This is also the one moment Kayla breaks her smiley giggly I’m so perfect character and has a moment of WTF and glimpse of normalcy.

Then she gets right back to smiling and giggling.

The only person more annoyed than me that Ashley is back is Nick. His reactions to everything she does is top notch.

Two new guys from Andi’s season that no one even recognizes because they got sent packing early.

One is after Kayla….

Kayla had been with Jared.

Kayla is asked on this date and she LITERALLY (but literally this time, not just like LITERALLY) changes her mind no less than 15 times, out loud, about if she is going on the date.

She agrees to go on a date…. then not…. then yes….. she changes her mind over + over, some of them within a span of seconds. She says “yeah lets go this’ll be fun…. pauses and takes two steps, and then… No. I’m staying here.”

UGH. Sorry for doing to you what she did to us…. in short : she freaking went.

she drives me nuts……

Princess Jasmine to Jared, fake consoling him that his love interest is going on a booze cruise with another Douche: “Does your heart hurt, the way mine did yesterday? You can cry…..”

No Ashley. Not everyone is freaking Carrie from Homeland and cries 24/7 like you do!

Kayla on the Booze Cruise, still changing her mind about going on the date:

“I think I should leave….” Um. You’re on a boat. You. can’t.

To any drink her date offers or to any of the games that are on the boat they are supposed to be partaking in : “No, thanks. No….. Thank you. I’m fine. I guess you didn’t realize this is all I do…. smile and giggle and let you look at my perfect hair.”

I really can’t with her. I just can’t.

Just buck up like the twins and realize its all in good fun GEEZ.

Back at the bunny ranch, Grant confessed his love for Lace.

In a hot tub.

GOOD LORD.

Izzy got a lady boner when one of the unknowns walked in….. so after staring at him for a hot minute she’s thinking she’s done with Vinny. Apparently she has similar taste in mens hair styles to Jojo’s taste, and when she sees a man who requires lots of time fixing his bouffant on his head and facial hair in the bathroom, she’s like well Duh I gotta see whats up with that.

NIGHT TWO….. it just never ends

Y’ALL. THE MOST STABLE COUPLE IN PARADISE IS BREAKING UP. (insert gasp and hand to chest!)

Izzy took one look at a guy she thought was hotter than Vinny, and quote “she just can’t”.

just kidding that wasn’t a quote…. but the sum of her nonsense conversation is “she just can’t”.

Vinny is packing up and leaving because of Izzy. Izzy saw a hot man, didn’t even speak to him, and her whole world and everything she thought she knew fell apart and now she doesn’t think she make out with Vinny in the pool all day anymore!

Everyone is FREAKED.

Because, lets face it, if Vinny and Izzy can’t survive a week in paradise, what hope is there for the rest of us??? I am fearing for my marriages safety at this point!!!

To calm everyones fears about LOVE, a real testament to paradise and love and marriage arrives to save the day, Tanner and Jade! They made out for two weeks and look! They got married! Theres hope for everyone!

Kayla and Jared get chose to go on a date, and while Jared is excited for the date, I think Kayla is just excited for some more screen time. She’s like “I’ll show you I should have been the Bachelorette!” and then YAWN. Ugh she just drives me nuts. Love her hair though. Love.

Smiles, Shakes perfect hair, Giggles, says Yeah a lot, Giggles more.

Ashley/Princess Jasmine is trying to get through all of it because she knows that Jared really loves her! They are meant to be!

Carly must be sneaking out and hitting up those Mexican drug places where you can get a bunch of prescription drugs without a prescription, and then popping them every day while mixing them with a margarita from the bartender Jorge, because she is still on this Evan train and I. JUST. CAN’T.

editors note : I just realized Kayla is spelled Caila but I don’t feel like going through and editing it 🙂

:: ODD MOM OUT ::

it’s just so darn good. so. so. good.

Why is it the finale next week?

I laugh my head off. Every week.

:: RHOC ::

Tamra interprets Kelly Dodd’s behavior as justifiable because she sees herself in it…. Kelly has been hurt so badly that she wants to hurt others….. uhmmmm no. That’s not an excuse. But okay.

I was proud of Meghan King Edmonds for not backing down with Kelly and saying that her behavior was inexcusable though. And it being completely hypocritical. And for saying she was literally psychotic. Go Meghan! This Valium is giving you balls, girl!

Maybe it’s the glasses (which look super cute BTW) but it’s more likely the valium.

Kelly fake scrunches her face because her face doesn’t move, and fake cries like Vicki does where its the noises and the change in voice to make it seem like you’re crying but you’re not.

She’s learning so much from her new BFF Vicki already!

Kelly Dodd thinks that vicki is a buddha…. she is her MENTOR…… and that she needs to be soaking up all of her worldly wisdom.

{editors note : I’M SORRY WHAT?????????????????}

SO we established at this dinner that

The rest of the episode is Shannon’s birthday surprise party and vow renewal. Which is sweet, and I really really like Shannon. But the only part I cared about was seeing Jeff and Gage and Jenni Poulos and seeing if they showed any of the drama between Jeff and Heather!

Also, I’m amazed their marriage has lasted 15 years not because of an affair, but because the sheer amount of things this woman needs just to drive somewhere for 24 hours.

:: REAL HOUSEWIVES CROSSOVER ?? ::

There are rumors swirling that Yolanda could be joining the Real Housewives of NY next season!

and also that Bethenny won’t be returning (by her own choosing of course, my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen has clearly drank the juice and would never fire her)

I mean, I always want some Yolanda Hadid Foster Whatever It is Now Who Cares is my life, but I don’t think it’s a good environment for her.

The crazyness of the BH Housewives is NOTHING compared to the drama and craziness off the NY Housewives. It’s two entirely different types of situations that stir up the “drama”. I feel like she would be above all of it.

Although, NY is certainly a more appropriate crossover than OC with C-words and F-bombs galore as we learned recently…..

BUT I would still love it 🙂

The bigger question would be : what would her fridge look like in an NYC condo as opposed to her blooming Beverly Hills pad??

:: ARIANA GRANDE’S NEW MAN ::

I have kind of an obsession girl crush on Ariana Grande.

Yes, she does the dumbest things ever for the whole world to see, but she has pipes that rival the best of them and she is freaking adorable and her songs NEVER get old and I just have to turn the volume up and look like a lunatic in my car when they come on. No shame.

SO, I was very intrigued when I heard Ariana Grande is reportedly dating a new man!

A white rapper.

I like all music, although rap is certainly not my fav, but I figured I would still know who this person is and I have NO clue. Googled him….. not a clue.

I feel as though this is a sign I am too old for my obsession with Ariana Grande.

:: RHoNY Finale ::

I watched this so late I don’t have time to comment!

So sorry!

Other than:

– It was great

– I can’t believe how upset and emotional Bethenny really was about all of it

– LuAnn’s is a lunatic and a raging egomaniac.

-as it progresses, feelings against LuAnn progress :

– LuAnn is THE WORST. Seriously. “Stop talking about me!?”

– Possibly the most self centered person on television. Good luck with Tom! Everyone truly thinks you two deserve each other!!!

– and so much more that I wish I had time for!

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

images via giphy, bravo, abc