DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: BACHELOR ::

The group heads from Paris to Italy for this weeks dates, which consists of 3 one-on-ones and one group date. Jacqueline – the insane hair flipper with constant mascara under her eyes – is extremely distraught for someone that just spend their first one on one time with someone 5 seconds ago.  She is realizing that perhaps having 6 years of left of school would be a difficult thing to overcome, and that perhaps introducing your parents to a person that is still a stranger to you is WEIRD.

She goes to his room to break it off, but there was A LOT of making out (and hair flipping) for a break up.  I really don’t understand why she is sobbing!? Maybe it’s because she doesn’t want to miss the exotic beach destination that could be coming for the top 3 after hometowns, but….. do we think he was going to give her a rose?  I feel like she was going to get cut this week anyway? He certainly makes out with her, like he does everyone else, in a way that says she’s the one though.

He REALLY makes out with all of them as though he is uhb-sessed.  It’s fascinating.
I feel like that is why she is distraught over sending herself home…. I think that he is THAT good of a kisser than they fear walking away from him?! Why else are they freaking out over this!?

Lauren B, the pretty mute that is afraid of her own shadow, somehow got ANOTHER one on one date, despite just having a completely silent one last week.

There is just as much fun and laughter to be had as last week (i.e. none) so it is just as shocking AGAIN when he gives her a rose.  Especially because after she says (with as much meaning and emotion as I ask for stamps at the grocery store)  that she is falling in love with him and then HE GETS UP AND WALKS AWAY.

Poor thing is just sitting there crying and then he comes back is like “Yeah let’s go meet your family!”  What just happened? Have I been drinking?! What am I missing?

Sienne gets a one-on-one date, hunting for truffles (I was salivating looking at the homemade pasta with freshly shaved truffles…..) but because she is Ivy league educated and too intelligent to carry on conversations with him she gets the boot.

The ladies are stunned. Baby Bekah is as animated as ever, and is talking about hometowns more like the show is a competition not about being there for love or “the right reasons.”

But separate from her facial expressions, WHAT is she wearing on this group date?! I think she is trying to make him forget she is 22 by dressing like a 50 year old Amish person in that skirt.
Tia – Raven’s fellow contestant from  Weiner, Arkansas – has drank the Kool Aid and thinks he is so madly in love with Arie that she wants “what’s best for him” by reminding him that a 22 year old is probs not the best marriage option.  And, in all fairness, that was pretty much what she said all episode with her commentary.  I heard no “journeys” and “futures” or anything from her.  The 22 year old wants to travel and see more than marijuana farms and I can’t blame her.

Clearly Tia’s drinking of the Kool Aid has resulted in her forgetting that men think with their penis and their penis alone.

Kendall gets the rose on the group date and I AM SO CONFUSED.  HOW has this taxidermy chick made it this far?! She seems so nice, but I’m sorry, she lost me forever at “would you eat a person if that’s what someones culture does.”  No. Thanks.  Kendall.

So now the final rose is between Tia and Baby Bekah, and up until he gave Kendall that rose I really thought Baby Bekah was staying til fantasy suite week.  I was shocked that he sent Baby Bekah home over Kendall, but I guess the producers had other ideas for the coming weeks.

I feel like he doesn’t know any of these 4 well enough to be going to hometowns? And I realize that should be how I feel every season, because they are always strangers, but I have never given it any thought until now.  I feel like other seasons they all seemed like they were at a higher level than Arie is with these four.

Also, based on the previews, all four of these hometowns look awful.

:: BACHELOR : WINTER GAMES ::

As amazing as this week of television has been, there is just too much!
Was this really the time to do this ABC?  During Celebrity Big Brother on 4 nights a week The Olympics?!

With this “new” Bachelor series, they bring together the contestants from the international versions to compete with the American rejects contestants.  It’s strange but I like having fresh faces and it was fun to see the snippets from the other shows.  Hopefully it’ll make it more interesting than watching the same unemployed hopeless castmates year after year.

Bibiana is back, which is the highlight of this for me.  I’ve missed her so on Arie’s season.

Dean is back – and after his two timing during Paradise – he shows us that he can decide between Ramen and spaghetti, so rest assured he will be able to decide between two women.

CLAIRE IS HERE. are you kidding me!? CLAIRE!? Oh Lord….. this is just embarrassing for her…..

Bachelor Japan does the rose ceremony in front of private jets when it’s down to top 4!? UM. Time to step up your game Mike Fleiss.  The Japanese contestant doesn’t speak English which will probably help keep her expectations for this experience low.

The home in Vermont looks absolutely GORGEOUS, but the sleeping arrangement looks like a nightmare – it’s like 15 people in bunk beds per room.

They filmed this first 2 hour episode very strangely because we wouldn’t even know that someone was there, and then suddenly we see Eric competing? Where do these people keep coming from? Oh well….
Bibi is already making a connection with Mr. Canada which is great.  BUT OF COURSE….. Princess Jasmine aka Ashley I likes him too, and because he likes someone else, she cries as though she just found out of a family death.  WHAT is wrong with this girl that she cries like this!? THIS reaction is likely why you are still single. She is INSANE.

A twist for this round is that they vote Survivor style for who gets eliminated.

So far, it was not nearly as entertaining as Paradise…. but I have no life and no standards, so I will be watching.

:: Celebrity Big Brother ::

It’s the same as it always is, yet somehow SO different with the celeb edition.  3 weeks versus 3 months of competition being the main one.  But I am loving it! At this point I want Ross or Marissa to win because I think Shannon has put too much of a target on her back (but if she can pull it off it will be insane! That SIXTEEN letter word in the spelling comp!? Never in the history of BB has anything even close to that happened!! She can take the whole thing so easily!)

:: RHOBH :: 

The ladies wake up after a late night of drinking at the beach house.
Well….. everyone except Erika; she left Teddi’s house and slept in a hotel instead.
due to her cramps/period and her not wanting to sleep on her sheets.
Dorit decides to tell her about while she INCORRECTLY fills a tea pot.  She is sitting there trying to fill it from the spout.  YOU OPEN THE TOP OF IT AND FILL IT PRINCESS.

Dorit blows it way out of proportion by telling Erika based on the flashbacks we see involving their comments the night before. She is totally trying to stir the pot.
I’m sorry….. it has to be said….. the CamelToe on LVP is killing me. This post workout cameltoe is unlike anything I have ever seen on TV in my life and they keep blatantly showing it.  This makes Vicki walking in heels on OC the kindest thing they’ve ever done.

Camille calls Dorit out for saying things for attention and I love it.  That completely is it – she had something to other people against Teddi and get into good graces with Erika.  She makes me INSANE. Kyle summarizes it perfectly : after you say about your friend, what was she wearing last night? you don’t go tell the friend you all said that about her.  It was harmless commentary.  DORIT. I just wish she would get kicked off this show, which never will happen, because the lack of attention would just kill her.

We get a Tom sighting since he is working from home with his car accident.

It’s fashion week and the girls are gearing up to head to NYC. LVP tells her housekeeper she’ll need “quite a selection of outfits.”  I mean….. she always looks beautiful – and by that I mean her face – but honestly, the only person that changes it up LESS than you is Ina Garten.  Let’s just be real here.  You’re going to wear black pants and pink blouse with your boobs out for the world to see.
Her giant pink velvet Chanel looks sooooo bad.  Curse me to the fashion God’s for dissing Chanel, but she looks like an idiot carrying that duffel bag sized purse as a handbag.

Dorit is just DEVASTATED that PEE-KAY cannot be with her for her COVER of magazine. He can’t make it because he’ll be dealign with all of the deals her swimsuit line has closed (sooooo why can’t you make it?)  The scene ends with her dancing into the bathroom singing “I’m going to look so fabulous”
can I just fast forward through all of her and PEE-KAY’s scenes?? 

The ladies fly to NYC for NYFW.
Kyle and and LVP head to Kyle’s NYC store and OH-EM-GEE.
Her godson Matt Sarafa comes in and my jaw hits the floor.  I LOVED him on Project Runway Juniors.  I had no idea there was a relation, and WHY does he look so different!!??!! His face is like plumped or something within an inch of his life! But seriously, loved him on PR Juniors.

The remaining ladies go to dinner together.  Why must Dorit keep dressing in strapless dresses.

also this is the most normal they’ve ever looked, not the best photo 
Why? Why? WHY?
WWWWHHYYYYY??????? How much is she paying the people around her that they keep their mouths shut about the desperate need for different boobs or different clothes!?
While her boobs are shoved up within an inch of her life, she catches Rinna up to speed on the drama she can’t wait to share.  Dorit : No one cares. I want LVP to LAY INTO HER next week and can’t wait to watch it go down.

:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 

Oh my.  It’s just so much vagina talk.  The way Arianna says “I don’t like looking at my own vagina, let alone someone else being down there” is my version of “I don’t like talking about my own vagina, why ON EARTH do I want to hear you talk about yours for an hour!?”  There’s way too much Tom + Arianna sex chatter this week.  And basically every week.

This week is the dueling birthday parties : Stassi and Arianna.  Could they really not do this on two separate nights?  What else do you all have going on??!   The outfits, or lack thereof, for Arianna’s birthday is crazy. Half of them are half naked in lingerie, which we saw them shopping for at a PR place that led me to believe it is borrowed?  Borrowed lingerie?! Because that stuff is REAL up in the crotchity-crotch to be returned?

Lala of course looks insane.  As in insanely amazing.  And Tom of course makes more of an entrance and put more effort into his “lewk” than Arianna.

Over at Stassi’s party, it’s death themed.  (I would definitely have chosen Arianna’s).  But the dress Stassi is wearing is one I have wanted forever but have no occasion to wear it for.

I seriously love it.

Stassi throws a mini “it’s my birthday” fit and storms off, which compared to years past, wasn’t much of a fit at all.  Slow clap for Stassi.  I really don’t understand the on-and-off-and-on between her and Patrick.  He seems like a complete ass.

What man says, when he is DATING you, that he doesn’t care when you’re broken up who you sleep with he just doesn’t want you to date someone.  WHAT? He seems as though he couldn’t care less about her (and based on how much they break up, I would say it’s likely true).

OH! And Tom and Tom pretended to write checks for the first time to Lisa and Ken for the restaurant.  So cute. Even pretending they have checkbooks.  How adorable.

:: SUMMER HOUSE ::

I just love this show.  Despite having nothing really to ever say about it, I enjoy every moment.
I could watch a full hour of the drunk eating alone.  Truly.  It cracks me up.

The “during the week” snippets crack me up, like MONDAY : walking to work on a cell phone TUESDAY : meeting someone for happy hour WEDNESDAY : walking streets of city THURSDAY : a meeting

It’s like, listen Bravo, I really don’t care about Carl’s dental sales meeting.  Or anything involving Carl for that matter. But thanks for wasting my time with that when there are like SEVEN other shows I need to tear through tonight.  ‘Preciate it.

Why is Danielle ALWAYS asking Lauren about Carl!?
It’s SO ANNOYING.  If you’ve moved on, quit bringing it up!
If I were Lauren I would be so pissed and I cannot believe she isn’t jumping down her throat for how much she normally blows thing out of proportion.
but yes, Lauren is an absolute moron for being involved with Carl in any way shape or form.
when even Kyle is calling it out, it’s time to open your eyes girlfriend.
PS.  I keep forgetting to share on the blog about SCHEANA and CARL apparently hooking up (Stephen shared on WWHL.  What are people THINKING!?)

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::

Joel McHale is coming back to TV! Starting THIS SUNDAY!
I can’t even begin to tell you the joy I felt watching The Soup with him every week. I would die laughing at times.  Especially when he would have Whitney pop in with “KISS MY ASSSSSS” at random times.  Because the Whitney show that we will never get access to again thanks to her damn legal team (#RIP) was one of the best shows to ever grace the television screen.

He is having a weekly show on Sunday’s on Netflix that (to my knowledge) is very similar to what he did on The Soup.  HALLELUJAH!!!!!

And now I want to stay up all night honoring The Soup and Whitney & Bobby by posting nothing but clips and gifs, but…..ya know, Valentine’s Day….
so I need to dance around the fact that date night may never excite me the way these two can…..

but….. anything in the name of love, right?

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

IMAGES FROM : BRAVO, GIPHY, US WEEKLY, PEOPLE