DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 

The breakout guest star this week (and really, in life) is a visit from James’ father, Andros, the music producer from London who was BFF with George Michael, and OH. EM. GEE.  I’m sorry… I was trying to find a way to not discuss it or kindly state it but STEREOTYPES ABOUT BRITISH TEETH EXIST FOR A REASON.  Not only is there not a molar OR A DAMN PREMOLAR in sight, this is literally straight up Austin Powers teeth.
Although Austin Powers teeth were better because at least he had TEETH.

video

 Okay…. upon further review of Austin Powers gif’s, Austin Powers’ teeth are a 10/10 compared to this dire situation. No exaggeration.

I need to move on from his teeth to his apparent disappointment if his son doesn’t drink but….. the teeth are haunting me.  I’ve never seen anything like this!
I honestly want to talk about nothing but this, so please watch the video clip above.  I’ll try to move on…..
Okay…. I digress…..
I feel like seeing James’ interactions with his dad and his tearful interview over the divorce made me feel for James.  Just for a moment!  His parents are definitely not the most stable human beings. (remember his mom last season!?)  I wonder what happened with George Michael because it made it sound like their falling out is why his family lost everything?!

Brittany decides to continue rewarding Jax for his shitey behavior by throwing him a 47th birthday party at Hooters of all places.  Soooo reward him with a party AND somewhere he can find his next person to cheat with?! Great plan!
Of course Tom and Tom have to give the gift of a Male Romper to Jax and OF COURSE they get ones for themselves to wear as well.

They said on WWHL they were $400…. I can’t with these people.
Jax thanks Brittany at the end of the episode by turning the cheating situation BACK onto her and acting like she does stuff wrong constantly. He is pathological.

Ariana’s brother, not to be mistaken for Max, Lisa’s son,
(it’s hard because….well… speaking of bad teeth…..)
but Ariana’s brother Jeremy asks out Billie on a date.  Jeremy has gone from only being in the background being confused  with Max to now being handed a wad of cash because apparently he was the one that saved Sur from being burned down?! What?!  I feel like we would have learned this 3 episodes ago, when the fire happened, if it mattered but now that he is getting air time they are having Lisa make him more of a valid character?
ANYWAYS.  Stassi and Kristin quickly tell Billie that Jeremy is a bit of a creeper.  Whiiiiiich the footage from Katie + Tom’s wedding kindaaaaaa backs up…….
and wait….. when we were first introduced to Jeremy and he was moving in with Tom and Ariana, hadn’t he just gotten out of jail or something awful?!
But of course, word gets back to Team Ariana and they are furious about dragging his name through the mud.

This “he’s a creep” debate and the “did he hit on women and make them very uncomfortable” is very timely in this cah-razy world we are living in….. soooo ………. I want to make fun of these people but when the Vanderpump Rules kids even feel like it’s a touchy subject, I’m just not gonna touch it with a 10 foot pole.

If you haven’t noticed, I take a FIRM stance on taking NO stance on anything.
except Andros’ teeth and everything else….. 
So……. My sarcasm is needed elsewhere……

Oh…. and Scheana the entire episode did nothing but, what else, reference Rob and how perfect her and Rob are and how Jax is so wrong about how much Rob loves her and how Brittany needs to find someone like Rob that makes her as happy as Rob makes Scheana.  Because, ya know, Rob.
editors note : I will never get over how last season was all Shay and in real time they’re divorced, and this season is all Rob and in real time they’re broken up.
and OH. EM. GEE.
Did you see who apparently she is dating!?!
Robby – not to be confused with Rob – from Bachelor franchise infamy.

These are the two most egotistical people on the face of the earth. They truly deserve each other.  This could be a match made in heaven.  They say they’re just friends but they have been together all over each others instagrams. Woof.

:: SUMMER HOUSE :: 
I thought that I kind of missed hearing Lindsay say EV-RETT like last season…. but this week I realized.
No.  No I don’t.

Although I do love watching how a drunk persons mind works…… how quickly these two can go from LEGIT SEX IN THE BUSHES (I can’t) to FUMING without a single moment of eye contact or a single word exchanged between those two occurrences.

I mean….. it was actually amazing.
NOTHING had happened between the two of them and she. just. went. nuts.

I also enjoy sober(ish) and sane Lauren watch Lindsay go crazy over literally nothing happening, because she just can’t believe what is happening.  As though this isn’t exactly the way everyone looks at her regarding Carl.
In Lindsay’s defense, we learn that Everett sent her flowers asking to have her back and then slept with someone 4 hours later.  SO, I think in her drunken state of mind she may have been projecting things…… but still.  Clearly EV-Rett is the worst and it’s time to MOVE ON.

Otherwise, I enjoy Lindsay.
Kyle wants to figure out what the hell she is flipping out over,
but he is busy pouring 30 pounds of tea into the swimming pool.

Literally.
I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH.
Truly.  Just the pouring of the tea into the pool is worth an entire hour of nonsense with this show.  Kyle can do no wrong in my eyes ever.

Oh, speaking of the drunk eating, watching Stephen creep back into the house in daylight, grab 2 pieces of pizza off the counter, and walk up to bed was incredible.  Such a good move.
These people, as whole, just make me feel so much better about my life, yet envious that I am not living a debaucherous life the way they are.  HOW do they stay up until daylight every weekend!? HOW do they drink this much and still (mostly….errr….. usually……) form sentences?!
Kyle is turning 35 and making my college weekends look amateur!

I’m honestly impressed.
Oh…. and the amount they drink just makes me think of one of my favorite things from instagram,
because the Summer House crew is the polar opposite of the Friends Drunk Bobby episode.

I mean – 5 bottles!? COME ON!

They make ruining your liver LOOK SO FREAKING FUN.

:: RHOBH ::

We begin with a tease of a dinner debate, and then a “five days prior” subtitle.
Bravo….. this better be DAMN good if you are starting with this flashback tease.
spoiler : UM.  It’s not. Not nearly good enough to act like this is anything “Dinner Party From Hell” Warranted….. I’m disappointed…. and even more READY FOR RHONY AND SOUTHERN CHARM ALREADY……

Rinna and Erika have lunch with former castmate Eileen (ironically…. at Avalon Hotel which I only know about because they keep pimping it out on Expedia commercials…. why does my brain remember these things? And is Avalon Hotel paying for all of these promos?)
Eileen is so sweet and pretty, but I really just wish she could get it right for once with these “lewks”. We did get a flashback of when Erika Jayne dressed her in that black crochet backless dress and it made this whole boring scene worth it.

RInna and Erika explain that everything is fine with Dorit, and she looks at them like they’re crazy. THANK YOU.  WHY are the two of you so Team Dorit this season!? Listen to Sane Eileen!

Welp….. my attempts at being neutral involving Teddi are pretty much done.  She took her “accountability coach” to a whole new level this week and was just plain being annoying and tattling.  She brings up something that Dorit and PEE-Kay said 3 months ago to Rinna when she heard that they went to dinner together and got along.

It was THREE MONTHS AGO? Who cares. I am all for someone getting some good TV, but this is not the way to get the good stuff out of Rinna.
I miss season one Rinna….. fun but not crazy or mean spirited…. this is just boring Rinna….. 

Erika does her cover shoot for her book,
and hate to say it and put it into the universe,
but these LEWKS for the over are just awful?!

What image did she finally go with?
Does anyone have any interest in reading this book?
Because I feel like it’s a bad sign that even I don’t…..

We catch up with Dorit and PEE-Kay regarding the swimwear line  Beverly Beach, the worst name in history.  Have you all checked it out online?  It looks just as cheap as the name implies.

Beverly Beach By Dorit …….
and they are all named after LVP and Kyle and Erika.
SO CHEEZY.  (this is like The RHOMelbourne when the judge made a shoe line and named a shoe after everyone.  SO TACKY.) It’s actually typical PEE-Kay and Dorit, trying to pretend they have the utmost taste and class and really they are just sucking up to everyone else and riding off their coattails. Not even crossing it out….. it stays.  I can just hear Dorit sucking up to LVP now……

Erika and Dorit have lunch a Erika’s house (WHY?! WHY ERIKA!?) and Dorit makes digs about the proper champagne glass…. We. Get. It.  She tells Erika the new name of “Nova” and you can tell she hates it, but she doesn’t say a word.

I am OBSESSED with this house Kyle and Mauricio are looking at.
UHB-Sessed.
Very Father of the Bride on the Exterior.
full link to the house at the bottom of the post! 

Now, we finally make it to the night of this “dinner” that everyone is discussing.
The one they acted like was a Dinner from Hell. 

Teddi gets on the phone and CALLS DORIT to ask her if she can pick her up and ride with her to dinner so that they can talk.
Teddi.  SERIOUSLY?!?!?!
You were FINE up until this.  Dorit was the crazy one! Dorit was the pot stirrer! BUT REALLY?!?!? Bringing it up with Rinna wasn’t enough?!?!
DROP IT.

For once, I’m with Dorit on the fact that it was 3 months ago – and this literally has NOTHING to do with you.  There is NO need to re-start something between people that have had issues in the past.

Teddi makes the biggest mistake of commenting to Erika that she has Amneisa for not remember what she said in NYC.

Teddi. Teddi. Teddi.
Don’t poke that bear!!!!
Erika does a death glare and is like “don’t you dare!!!!” and has a moment like she had in Hong Kong towards Eileen.
None of the ladies even say a peep or try to help (because they KNOW BETTER) and finally  LVP tries to calm everything down before Teddi walks out crying.
AND DON’T WALK OUT CRYING……
Like, is this your first day Teddi!? LOCK IT UP!
…….I think Teddi’s done for.
Officially on Erika Jayne’s Sheyite List.

:: UnREAL :: 
So UnREAL, the fake Bachelor, is back just in time for the end of The Bachelor.  But I am really not enjoying this season?  It’s always intentionally “messed up” but I just feel like it’s been getting more and more messed up and less and less enjoyable?! Thoughts? Am I alone?!

:: David and Shannon :: 
The death of David and Shannon’s marriage continues.

David is calling out Shannon in court documents saying that her “employment encourages excessive drinking and excessive traveling”  I meannnnnn not gonna lie, that sounds like a pretty accurate Housewives Job Description.

:: Bethenny and RHONY Gossip :: 
If you listened to last week’s episode of the Bitch Sesh Podcast, you may have heard some of the rumors surrounding Bethenny and the RHONY cast.  (I thoroughly enjoyed last week’s episode and LOL’d several times, highly recommend it). Apparently everyone is pretty sick of Queen B.

She has threatened to quit all the time, but this year everyone – cast and producers alike – are all for it.  They are fed up!

:: SHARK TANK ::
PPPPP. SSSSS.  Do any of you watch Shark Tank? I love it. Always have.  But MY GAWD is Bethenny not THE WORST addition to the show EVER?!

She NEVER stops talking and interrupting and taking over and talking and taking over and interrupting.  And talking.

It’s insane!!! I think Bethenny is one of the funniest human beings in the world, but she needs to know her audience!  It’s like, you are the new girl walking into the room, and for once, you are surrounded by some insanely successful business people.  These aren’t your Housewives at the table, these are your business peers and mentors! Know when to let someone else talk! And quit making EVERY entrepreneur walking in the room hear your story about what you did. WE GET IT. It’s like ALL about Bethenny every week and now my husband won’t even let us watch Shark Tank together because he’s so annoyed by her! We’re down to, like, Big Bang Theory only as a mutual show! THROW ME A FREAKING BONE BETHENNY!!!!
…. k….. sorry…… not sorry…… had to say it…..

:: JACKHOLE of the WEEK :: 
Biermann’s…… this lip plumping has GAHT to STAHP.

I am dying to know what this will look like at age 60, 70, 80……..

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 
Kyle and Mauricio’s new house.
I mean….. this listing is insane.
I mean…. the perfect TRIM OF GRASS outlining the pool!  The fireplaces in all of the secondary bedrooms! The grounds! I can’t!!!!!!  Click on the link because my little photos do not do it justice!

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

IMAGES FROM : BRAVO, GIPHY, US WEEKLY, PEOPLE