DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Southern Charm ::

This week’s episode was just wonderful.  I feel like Southern Charm is one of the few shows that actually delivers when they build things up with their previews.  We’re back at backyard dinner for Shep’s birthday and the group of single ladies is entering the lions den and ready to blow some sheyite up.

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt when they are new arrivals to a show.  With Housewives I normally last a few episodes before forming opinions but with Ashley, Thomas’ dime piece, I lasted one.  She is insta-fame-hungry and basically gross just for being associted with Thomas.  He asks her opinion about the new nanny as though her opinion matters AT ALL in the situation and Ashley responds by saying if they get married she can just become the full time caregiver for the kids.  EXCUSE ME?!

That was the moment I officially flipped. Getting married and her becoming the caretaker?! WHAT!?  Kathryn has never been more correct in her immediate judgement and hatred for someone Thomas’ blinks at.  This girl is not just THIRSTY.  DEHYDRATED is right. (and I seriously hate the “thirsty” thing, and it annoyed me when she chimed in with dehydrated last week, but that really is the only way to describe this chick.  DEHYDRATED).

I want to crawl through the television and smack Ashley’s hand out of Thomas’ jean pockets.  Even if the ex and mother of his children isn’t in the room, have some class!!! (little do I know it’s going to lead to far worse than a  hand in the pocket in a few minutes).  Thomas is practically groping her right next to Kathryn.  The two of them deserve each other – this is disgusting.

Although Kathryn at first didn’t acknowledge Ashley when she walked in, she did give Thomas a side hug (to protect him from her spray tan), and she then says hi how are you and shakes Ashley’s hand.  GOOD FOR YOU GIRL.  Show this girl some manners even though in the past you have never displayed an ounce of self control of manners? 

Kathryn’s faces and commentary in her confessional are always one of my favorite things about this show – she may have worked on controlling herself in some aspects, but the lack of maturity is always present.

My eyes are still glued to Thomas and his disgusting behavior groping his new idiot that apparently can’t wait to contract a bunch of STD’s, and suddenly, the sound of a cackle can be heard in the distance.  JD’s constant HAHHAHAHAH(CHOKING SOUNDS) HAHAHAHHAAH is enough to make skin crawl.  (I need to find a better way to spell out the horrifying noises he emits…..)

Cameron is always good for some side commentary and her pregnancy comments are no less wonderful.  “I’m enjoying having boobs for the first time, that’s a new experience….. it’s too bad they’re going to be t bags in 6 months.

editors note :  whenever I hear t bags I think of the show Newlyweds when Jessica Simpspn and her mom are shopping for dresses and they see the clothing line t-bags….. anyone? bueller?

The group is finally, maybe, wait, yes, maybeeee (???) ready to eat the meat that is either still completely raw or completely charred beyond belief.  I’m truly shocked that anyone eats after seeing the disaster of grilling between these idiots.

Ok, so I feel like I have been complimenting and siding with James Kennedy on VRP a lot this season, and now I just keep having slow clap moments of disbelief over Kathryn.  What is happening!? But the level of maturity Kathryn has displayed at this BBQ is blowing my mind.  Some things it’s just her acting like sane and normal person – so perhaps she doesn’t need a full round of applause – but with the way he tortures her with Ashley and now with  the kids, she is behaving a hell of a lot better than most. We know that the nanny has been a contentious situation for their family, and Thomas is such an ass that he goes and hires a new nanny without consulting her at all about it.  (He did feel like the need to even ask Ashley her opinion earlier???) And then he tells Kathryn about it at the party everyone is attending and has Ashley come up in the middle of the conversation to interrupt with a “There you are!!!!!”  He is such a raging asshole.  And for the love of Gawd Ashley just let the two parents speak, quit being such an insecure twenty-something feeling the need to hump his leg every ten seconds. (again.. little did I know…. they literally were about to go do this.)   Kathryn handled the ambush so well – and Ashley is as shady as Thomas.

Naomi pulls a Stassi Shroeder saying she wants to kill the first person AND THEIR FAMILY that Craig dates.   I meannnnn everyone says “I’d kill ’em” as an expression ….  but to be like “and her family”….. I’m hearing the REE REE REE REE sounds.  And just picturing Stassi. Also, because all of this is over CRAIG?! Not, like, Ryan Gosling or something, let’s just take it down a notch.

BUT THEN just like that Naomi’s back to being my favorite person by making fun of JD and Gentry Bourbon and his horriblen vile, disgusting, god-awful, horrendous, ear-drum-shattering, when will it ever end laugh.

And then, once again there is a battle for who I am digusted with more: JD or Thomas.  Thomas and Ashley GO INTO SHEP’s bathroom TO HAVE SEX during dinner?!
I’m sorry….. first of all – HOW NASTY do we think that bathroom is?  Because I am guessing REALLY FREAKING NASTY.  Second of all, NO ONE wants Thomas that badly.  No one. I have a third to twenty seventh of all, but I’ll spare you all because I think we are agree that both are them are filthy people and I’m having a hard time not saying some seriously unkind things about Ashley.  WOOF.
And then they just walk out afterwards!?
GIRL….. why were you so concerned about what shorts or dress to wear to make a good impression on these people?! Sex with Thomas mid-dinner in the bathroom is the ONLY impression you’re giving.

Finally, the moment we have been waiting for, Naomi calls JD out hard core. She says she picks his wife Elizabeth up off the floor while he is out having sex with 20 somethings.   Chelsea chimes in about him being a con artist.  JD acts like he has done nothing wrong and is like “Oh…. so  you girls are like, mad at me? Alright…. I’ll play the role of the bad guy.”  He is such a scum-bag.
He eventually just gets up and leaves and the girls are left to chat.  It’s interesting listening to Kathryn getting defensive for Elizabeth and bashing JD when she wanted NOTHING to do with Elizabeth in the past and said she was a horrible god-mother to Kenzie…… but still…..

This is the first time that Craig and Naomi had been around each other since their break up.  He is being all sweet to Naomi (or, Nomi as he calls her – which drives me nuts) saying she did the right thing.  Craig either just got punched in the right cheek or has a giant fat DIP in his lip as hes saying this.  Gross.  Craig, dipping doesn’t go well with purple pants and patterned button down shirts with opposing prints on the flipped collar.  It’s sad watching Naomi cry over him though.  Slash I want to tell her to

I was so impressed with Shep carrying all the girls plates in after dinner earlier this episode and then we flash to the next morning and realize he left EVERYTHING other than those plates sitting outside. The food, the drinks, the entire outside patio and kitchen.  Again….. THAT is the bathroom you just can’t wait to have a quickie with Thomas in, Ashley?! GROSS.

The next morning Kathryn and Naomi recap the night before.  Kathryn gets emotional over Thomas, but all I can think about is how messed up Kathryn’s spray tan is and how much I love Naomi’s kitchen with all of the exposed brick and built in wine fridge.  I love it!  But really…. at this point Kathryn should be a spray tan aficianado and shouldn’t have to be strategically hugging people to avoid getting spray tan on them and waking up looking like she was sprayed with clothing on?! Right?!

:: Elizabeth and Naomi after last week’s episode aired ::
I posted this on my instagram stories last weekend, but in case you missed it, after this episode aired Liz was basically defending JD, criticizing Naomi, and making it seem like Naomi wasn’t doing exactly what was asked other.

I am Team Naomi all the way.  There is no way she would have said all those things and defended her without Elizabeth’s knowledge.  Elizabeth’s a moron.
See updates and more commentary from Elizabeth Here.

:: Craig (slash Naomi) :: 
Oh em gee…… you need to read this quote/update from Craig regarding what he’s up to now – it was a response about Naomi’s nose job and then he went into HIS PILLOW LINE – I JUST CAN’T.

:: RHONY :: 

I basically just live for Wednesday and Thursday nights now with RHONY + Southern Charm.  Hashtag Blessed.
Sonja’s assistant Lulu is dressed like Michael Jackson or something absurd.  I really want to know more about these interns and what schools they go to and their “credits” and what not?
There’s no room at the inn at Bethenny’s for Carole (hmmmmm interesting…….) so she packs her floral one piece body suits that fit in NOWHERE and especially not the Hamptons to shack up with Tinz.
Bethenny, HOWEVER, says that she DID in fact invite Carole to stay.  It seems as though the love triangle with Tinz has upset Bethenny.

The girls all ride up together in a Range (with Dorinda almost driving over people in the city), but Sonja takes the Jitney – a very high class way to travel she says – and she gets luxuries like being able to tell the driver all about her juice cleanse.
DRINK! Carole’s discussing the marathon.
Sonja is going to be staying with LuAnn and has a huge ass list of “necessities”, including blenders and juices and such, that LuAnn goes out to buy for her. WHAT?! Lu is way too kind.  And then she had no idea Sonja was bringing her dog!!! Sonja and Ramona are the worst houseguests of all time.

Speaking of the worst houseguest of all time……. Ramona pulls into Southampton in a Tesla, and the following needs to be read in pure Ramona voice (obviously) with her puffing up and shaking her chest shoulders : I have to say….. this car is very sexy….. and I think I’m sexy…. it’s powderful….. I’m powerful…..it has a lot of energy….. and I have a lot of energy…..”  Ramona has men hanging things and moving furniture (seriously what is going on?!) and all the blondes arrive in the Range to stay in one house together.  Meanwhile, over at Lu’s, Sonja and LuAnn debate which text from Carole is bitchier : “thanks” or “thx” when they congratulated her on the marathon.

Bethenny is the first to arrive to her birthday party and she lets it roll of her back – HA – obviously flips a sheyite about it and is as irritated as ever about anything.
LuAnn kindly compliments Carole by saying “So you ran 26 miles! Wow!” and Carole flippants responds (with her giant mouth full of food) “26.2” .

K.  Sorry.  This is just BITCHY.  Oh, and marathon talk – DRINK!
I’m really over Carole.  Have been for awhile. And I loved when Sonja called her hair gray.  Loved it.
Then Bethenny and Carole are off to the races debating who said what and when.  The “reciepts” (text time stamps) are being hurdled back and forth and they accuse each other of being defensive.  My how things have changed!

In case you were wondering, the loss of Tom + Lu was “a greek tragedy.”  (is she saying great tragedy or greek tragedy???) Wow.  I mean….. right as I feel like she’s a sweet, down to earth gal doing things like buying a Ninja Blender for Sonja, she makes it all about her and her “greek tragedy” and then gets up and serenades Bethenny with a live performance in the restaurant. A live performance from the Countess!? Y’all.  She HAS HER OWN PANDORA STATION!? This is huge.  Bethenny is so hashtag blessed for this.
Why does Bethenny look like Michael Jackson at this dinner? Sorry for my second Michael Jackson reference of the evening but…… her nose is like overly powdered with white powder or something and she has MJ nose tonight?!

The next morning at brunch Bethenny walks in and Carole + Tinz completely ignore her and ice her out.  Again, Bethenny makes me crazy, but Carole’s being a huge bitch.

I love Bethenny pointing out that Tinz wants to be known as a socialite, but never a kept woman, but trust fund baby is fine. I mean seriously – the jig is up – who cares.
GOOD LORD at both of these separate brunches were back to talking about the marathon – TWO DRINKS!
Sonja is claiming that Ramona slept with her contractor Mario and was in love with him…. I mean…. I wouldn’t put the sleeping with him past her for one second.  Poor Sonja really needed a girlfriend or one of “her gays” to tell her that her interview look with the red lip is just horrendous.  She’s so pretty and looks awful.
I just caught a gander of place settings for this brunch at Lu’s.  There are 4 guests.  And you’re basically at a round table? Was that really necessary? Must be a Class with the Countess thing…..
And just as I am admiring the classy place settings, sheyite. hits. the. fan.

Dorinda’s getting warmed up for the season!!! Dorinda is sick of Sonja making it all about her and takes it to a “Your husband left you.  My husband died.” hands flailing all about moment.  Then is yelling in her face (all red faced) saying her husband went and married her friend and Oh. Em. Gee.  To be continued.
Yowza.
Dorinda took it from zero to sixty in like ten seconds flat.
Next week looks CRAZY.

Again…. sorry if this was Housewives Recap Tourette’s…..watching and typing in real time is not my best……

:: Southern Charm New Orleans ::

The premiere of Southern Charm New Orleans reminded me about Southern Charm Savannah and got me wondering what all those losers have been up to……

I can’t tell what I think about this group just yet?  Tamika, the news reporter, is absolutely gorgeous.  I am very confused on how her and her husband have been together for 14 years, married for 10, and have a 15 year old son together.  Either there was a one night stand or something and they got together a year later and don’t count it or her math is very, very off?

There’s a blonde girl, Reagan, who is a self proclaimed Elle Woods attending law school that lives on the other side of a 24 mile bridge.  Can you imagine being in a car on that road for 24 miles? You have to pee or your car breaks down or your uber drives is nuts or ANYTHING.  I could never.  That is a pure ANXIETY ATTACK.

Reagan has huge oil painting of herself hanging in the home she shares with her former-pro-athlete and I never trust someone that has a giant oil painting of themselves.  I feel like that’s a fair thing to base judgement on…

:: Vanderpump Rules :: 
Katie loves to bring up Pucker and Pout once a season as though she actually does anything during the year to maintain it and keep it as an active “blog”.

Something I care even less about than Pucker and Pout, as I stated last week, is Vanderpump and her damn horseback riding.  I don’t care about you riding with Ariana and I don’t care about you riding with Teddi.  I also don’t care about what the latest news is at Vanderpump Dogs unless it is related to someone on one of these shows.  I swear, between the horseback riding and Mauricio repping The Agency, I’ve lost way too much good TV time.

The most accurate thing Kristin has ever said about herself is that she is the awkward thing at the car dealerships that inflate and have their limbs flail all about; she does the motion and it is SPOT ON.

There is still chatter at the party about Kristin + James and the possible hot-tub-hookup. She cant believe that her own boyfriend doesn’t believe her about cheating.  I mean, come on! She is so honest and trustworthy and has only cheated EVERY other time that she was accused of it.  So, UGH! SO rude Carter.  She is on crutches and attempts to storm off but instead moves at a snails pace awkwardly down the hallway and around the corner.

Stassi’s boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend for the 97th time) really is a total ass.  I don’t understand why she kept trying to make this relationship work?

Him walking into the apartment and blowing her off slash barely kissing her like nostril/cheek/face was the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen…… until they started attempting to have a conversation with one another.

Then Jax fake cries and fake dumps Brittany. He’s ready to be more “Jason” since he’s been inspired by his reiki.   Ugh.  Jax.  I’m shocked he didn’t succeed as an actor/model back in the day because he constantly just does crap to create story lines on this show.

:: LeeAnn and Brandi at Coachella :: 
There is no way that Brandi is capable of keeping things cordial…… she must be desperate for more press…..

:: RH of BH ::

We’re at finale night and the runway show for the much awaited Beverly Beach.  Dorit spouts out a bunch of nonsense  “When we married, PEEKAY asked me to leave my business, which was my BAY BAY before I had my REAL BAY BAYs . But now that mama’s BAY BAYs PHEE-nix and JAH-GAH are older, I can have Beverly Beach, so now I have THREE BAY BAYs.  Well. Four BAY BAYS if you count PEE-KAY who is my BUBBA and I just can’t possibly do anything without my BUBBA I just love him.
K….. sorry….. even for me that was a whole new level of going on a spiral of obnoxiousness…… but that’s basically what she said….. loosely……. 

Dorit sings Pee-Kay’s praises : “he allows me to do what I love to do”….. ummmm except you just explicitly stated that he told you to stop doing what you loved to do ASAP to get married and pop kids out….. but whatever……

Do I have to stop making fun of her swimsuits because one of them ended up in Sports Illustrated magazine?  How much money did they pay for that to happen? All the women sit front row for the show and have a swimsuit named after them…. except for Teddi….. no swimsuit, and she is sitting second row. Only her it seems? So awkward.

Kyle can’t get over the Dorit drama and honestly, does anyone – ANYONE – care about this???  This was the most lame finale episode ever.  Was this season of OC better than BH??? No…. but strictly because BH has tons more money and pretty things to look at.  OC actually gave us more story line and content.  Which is sad.
I’m ready for the crazy Rinna to come back or for Erika to get back to how she used to be.  Something.  ANYTHING.  I can’t stand Dorit and I hate to admit it, but my gawd this season would have been nothing without her!

:: Jackhole of the Week ::

Sorry Victoria, but this is a Jackhole move.  If I ring in my 44th birthday with a cake made of watermelon and sprinkled with a few berries, someone send help.  I feel like even Lisa Rinna will eat a piece of cake on her birthday! Have a damn carb and celebrate a little!

I’m off to get on a Southwest flight and not gonna lie, normally I don’t let things bug me……..but  I’m a weeeeeee bit freaked out…….

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews