DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Southern Charm ::
STARTS TONIGHT.  I cannot wait.  I am so excited.
So. Freaking. Excited.

:: RHONY :: 
FI-NA-LLY the Bravo God’s have answered my prayers and we are BACK with a season I firmly believe will be the best Housewives since…. well… since last seasons RHONY.  After a lackluster OC season and a moderate at best BH, I’m so ready for the NY ladies to show them how it’s done.
I forget how much I miss Dorinda when I don’t get my weekly dose?

First of all, the Taglines :

Per usual, most (all?!) are awful.
Do we think Carole will have ANY storyline other than her cats this season?
And what do we think about Bethenny being SECOND to last and LU BEING LAST!
I bet the Countess is just beside herself (and that Queen B is, too! Ha!)

Thank GAWD that the NYC City Marathon is only 6 days away at the beginning of the season, because I CANNOT listen to her talk about running the way she talks about her herd of cats and dogs, Baby I Baby II Baby III Baby IV and who knows what else.  Speaking of only talking about the dogs, the marathon time is the same time Cookie, Bethenny’s dog passed, and oh my goodness – remember how she live instagrammed literally every moment of it!? I feel awful for her because she’s had that dog forever, it just was so strange that she instastorie’d every waking moment of it.  Trust me…. if you saw it…. you’ll know.  I promptly un’followed on the gram.

As I mentioned above, Dorinda is always the gift that keeps on giving.  And she gives us such a wonderful gift right off the bat with this Halloween Party.  Who needs the Berkshires when you have Ramona dressed at Britney Spears in a red latex jumpsuit?! I CAN’T. Watching Sonja blink her lashes all night constantly so that people know who she is, I CANNOT.  It’s just SO DAMN GOOD.

I was CACKLING and howling laughing out loud at this halloween party and watching Dorinda’s drunken rambles with subtitles as she loses her Lady Gaga plastic bubbles and her wig.
Have I said how good it is?! BECAUSE IT’S SO DAMN GOOD.
This one episode of New York has given me more than the entire season of Beverly Hills so far.

Oh…. of course they have to end it with bickering between Bethenny and Ramona about Hamptons Real Estate in the snottiest conversation ever…. but other than that, it was pure joy and fairly drama free.

:: Vanderpump Rules ::

It is Week TRES in Playa del Carmen.  We start with a teaser “flash forward” of the “Witches as WeHo” strolling down to the beach around 2 PM.  Stassi is talking about getting home the night before, popping a sleeping pill,  and being so dead asleep that Kristin getting home at 8:30 AM didn’t even wake her up.   Stassi is shocked she came in at  8:30 in the morning and then Katie reveals that the rumored reason for the late night is that she and James hooked up the night before….

dun dun dun……..

We then flashback to the night before where DJ James Kennedy shows off his C-U-Next-Tuesday skills in the Sur Mexico booth.

For once I appreciate the dramatic flashforward/flashback; it made sure we paid close attention to Kristin + James’ dynamic throughout the whole evening.  And by dynamic, I mean she is humping the ground in front of him.  Literally.  Like, that move strippers do with the splits and they bounce or something.  (although…. I must say, I am proud of Kristin for keeping this move locked up all these years? Drunk Kyle on RHOBH does the splits and pony tail whip every chance she gets –  Kristin was really saving this one up!)

They show the footage of everyone heading to sleep around 7 AM (seriously?! night after night?!) and then show 8:15 AM and James’ bed is empty and so is Kristin’s.  Not looking good for two people notorious for cheating.

ALSO, WHY do they keep doing these crack of dawn activities?! Is production forcing this? I just don’t see them voluntarily wanting to wake up early like this?! Especially after staying up until sunrise every night.  But the boys have a day of golf planned!
Tom (that shaves his face) wakes up with a good ‘ol bedside tequila shot.  Drunk-ass Tom wakes up having no idea what went on the night before.  James strolls onto the course smashed and driving the cart all over the tees.  Just a typical morning round of golf.   Jax confronts James about what happened in their mini-pool, and James says Jax is just trying to get the attention off of his own cheating.

Shaving Face Tom yells “DEFLECTION” because he is so excited to share a word he just learned in a sentence.
Jax claims he know it went down because he saw the pillows by the pool were “oddly arranged” (Am I missing something…. what about the way these pillows look is suspicious?)

Meanwhile, Lala is sucking on her baby bottle getting ready for the day and a bouquet of flowers is delivered to her with a sweet love note from her boyfriend.  Lala asks if Scheana ever gets flowers of Jesus-Rob, but GOSH NO. Who wants flowers?! Such an eye roll.  Doesn’t Lala know that SCHEANA IS NOT A FLOWER PERSON.  Flowers are just so “Hashtag Basic” (direct quote).  Like, no.  Rob is better than flowers.  Her and Rob are, like, above that.  Their love cannot be explained in a bouquet.  Poor Lala…. having to get gifts from her man while Sheana gets the gift of watching Rob change a tire and hang a televsion in 7 minutes.  If only Lala could experience the true love that her and Rob and their future child Madison Marie Parks Valetta.

Watching Lala’s face listening to her say all of this BS to her is so funny….. GIVE IT UP SCHEANA.

I mean, THIS SHOW.  I’m sorry (not sorry)  but Scheana’s reactions to everything about Rob kind of make my might.   With the exception of having to listen to LVP discuss her72 dogs for the 19th hour this week (between VR + RHONY combined) the first 15 minutes of this show alone are GIVING ME LIFE.  I got Kristin and James, who hate one another, possibly cheating with each other, and then Scheana lying her ass off about 7 Minute Rob!!!! Hashtag Blessed.

For the 3rd week in a row I am feeling badly for James.  The guys are telling everyone he admitted to hooking up with Kristin but that wasn’t what he said.  James was so drunk he doesn’t really know how to defend himself because he doesn’t quite remember what was said.  But seriously, does “did you hang out” mean you “hooked up”? I am so confused as to how Jax and Face Shave Tom say that James said they hooked up?

I wouldn’t put it past either of them, and it’s highly suspicious…. but  I feel like for once perhaps it didn’t actually happen?!  Although why are you up at 8 am with your ex after doing the splits in front of him and saying “I’m a good time” or a fun girl or whatever she said….. Nevermind…. I don’t know why I was giving them the benefit of the doubt? It happened….
While all of this was going on, drunk Schwartz was stumbling around at 6 AM to a neighboring resort.  You know, because  it’s just a few short steps to the next HOTEL PROPERTY?!  There’s a lot of drinking that goes on with Bravo-lebrities on tons of shows, but he is the one that TRULY concerns me.  Like, how does he make it home alive!?

Kristin confronts James and – shocker – throws a drink on him (and Lala) and they successful cause a scene at yet another location.  And somehow, we are entering episode 3 (4?) of them in Mexico.

:: Super Random about Dolores :: 
I just came across this article about Dolores from RHONJ using a balloon system that you swallow to drop the 20 pounds she gained between seasons or while filming.  I have never heard of this before and clicked on it and had to share because it sound so crazy.  Also, this sounds SO DANGEROUS for someone who is losing a mere 20 pounds?!

:: RHOBH :: 

I feel like I don’t even need to talk about this week….. although their coffee orders of soy milk/almond milk/hollendaise sauce on the size/eggs cooked well done was JUST THRILLING WASN’T IT!!??
gahhhhh.  thank the bravo gods more shows started this week!! 
Oh, and the FASH-UN from these ladies trying to act as though they are casual German’s was hilarious.  Especially LVP on the casual sightseeing day in giant black platform combat boots and black leather fingerless gloves.  Honestly?

I’m so mad LVP’s boots aren’t in this shot…. they even showed her waddling Vicki-Gunvalson style across the square to get to this spot in them and I rewound it 4 times. 

:: Summer House + Reunion Special ::
I am devastated that it’s over…. I’m going to miss Kyle so much…..

I think it’s BS that the Werkus twins (and Stephen, and occasionally Lindsay) gang up on Kyle and Amanda as though they ruined everyone’s summer.  They were 10 times better than Lindsay and Ev-Rett!!!
I honestly don’t think they did anything? They fought less often than Lauren yelled at Carl?! Sure, Lauren simmered down mid-summer and left Carl alone, but she caused tons of drama?
Am I the only one that really thinks it wasn’t that bad?  Am I blinded by my pure love of Kyle?

Speaking of my love for Kyle…….. he surprises Amanda with a trip to GREECE!?! Uhhmmmm I’ll put up with your drunk antics for a trip to Greece any time.  (……. how do I get my husband to think I deserve a trip to Greece? Send tips please….)

I forgot Amit was even on this show until they showed him packing.  Such a waste.  SUCH. A. WASTE.

The reunion honestly just depressed me.  I don’t understand why this group is jumping down each other’s throats about literally everything?! EVERYTHING.  Especially the Werkus twins and the ‘tude toward my love Kyle.

But most importantly : How does my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen introduce everyone and not comment on Lindsay’s drastic hair?! It’s AWFUL.

You do you girl, but that was an awful lot of change at once – breast augmentation and chop of hair and bleach blonde all at once!?  AND you’re back with Ev-Rett basically!? WHAT!?

:: I Feel Pretty :: 
I really want to see Amy Schumer’s new movie, so I keep muting the TV or looking away during all of the commercials.  I am so sick of commercials/previews showing all of the funny parts of any movie and basically playing every scene before you even get to the theater.

:: Jackhole of the Week ::
The divorce of Channing + Jenna.

If John Krazinski and Emily Blunt are next, I will lose my mind.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews