DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Real Housewives of New York :: 

I think you all know that Carole and I are on thin ice.  I was ready to boot her off the show last season….. She makes me so crazy that I’m longing for the days of 17 cats and dogs all named Baby and that hideous leopard sofa.  Just to paint the picture in case you’re new around here.  SO, now we have to start this week off with her figuring out how to order her “3 eggs any style”.  It takes her about as many minutes as she has cats, so, TOO MANY.

That waitress deserves a Nobel Peace Price.  Carole is PEESED that her non-boyfriend-boyfriend-Adam (you know, the one that thinks he’s the first person to ever cook a vegan meal in his life) has gone on a date with another woman, liked her, and immediately called Carole and told her about it.  Ummmmm.  Yeah?? What an ass?? Your ex boyfriend that you are just friends with benefits with is so completely open and honest with you that the moment he has a possibility of a thought that after ONE DATE with someone he may like them he immediately respects the hell out of you enough to call you and tell you.  WHAT?!?! And you’re pissed at him!? NICE. TRY. CAROLE.  You’ll get more sympathy out of me over the non-marathon-themed-marathon-party that Ramona threw for you.  An “unspoken spoken agreement” or whatever you called your friends with benefits situation is NOT an agreement.  No matter how nuts Tinz gets with her hands at lunch, Adam did nothing wrong. And I think the number of plates of individualized eggs and food the waitress just delivered to you is evidence that YOU are the only crazy one here.

Did Ramona just show up to this nail salon directly from….. ummm sexual relations?? I meannnnn, that’s as “bed head” as I’ve ever seen a woman.  I’ll leave it at that.

Carole has NO IDEA that Dorinda was with Bethenny for Puerto Rico.  We keep watching the split get deeper and deeper.  But really, it really is amazing what Bethenny is doing/has done for the hurricane victims.

LuAnn meets her daughter Victoria for drinks and the entire conversation surrounding Tom between mother + daughter just makes me uncomfortable.

WAIT.  Live edit……(DJ record screech to a halt sound) THAT was not uncomfortable;  Dorinda rolling slurring-in-hot right now to dinner at 7 PM is uncomfortable.  I am laughing out loud uncontrollably.  It is subtitles from THE MOMENT she walks into this restaurant and….. this is literally me :

Then she starts taking pieces of food with her hands and shoving them in her mouth and it’s just too good.  But then the men start talking about devoting their lives these countries, and Dorinda basically gets combative with them and (again, DJ record screech to a halt) the laughter stops.

It gets AWK-ward and awful.  So bad.  But before I can even realize my emotions on what just happened, Bravo does what it does best: Takes an emotional moment and bitch slaps me with Sonja trying to hide her “vitamins, prescriptions, and vibrators” for her townhome to be photographed.  I mean, my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen and the Bravo network….. this is why you get paid the big bucks.  There’s nothing quite like a scene change from Puerto Rico and pure devastation with drunken ramblings and subtitles to Sonja breaking vases trying to stage her apartment.  (Slow. Clap.)
Sonja hits on the photographer for her townhome the moment he walks in the door and it is hilarious.  And then she realized he is married, and it’s even better.  And then she realizes he is gay, and it’s even more amazing.  And then she says “are you sure you aren’t bisexual? if I buy you something, will you get sexual?” and I LITERALLY DIE.

You can tell I am “live” commenting on this because then it gets dark again with Dorinda crying on the airplane to Bethenny and there are no more giggles.  Instead it’s probably the most raw we’ve ever seen Dorinda as she cries about life her past versus her present.

So…… to get back to keeping things light around here…… remember when Sonja said “are you sure you aren’t bisexual? if I buy you something, will you get sexual?” and OH. EM. GEE. Did anyone see that Coupon Cabin commercial? PAINFUL.

:: Southern Charm : New Orleans :: 
Seriously…. what in the actual heck did that artist guy put on his face for his workout?! It was a legitimate muzzle?! It must be something related to oxygen or something but honest W. T. H E Double Hockey Sticks.

there’s plenty more to say, but that’s all I can remember……..

:: Vanderpump Rules Reunion ::

I don’t really know how we need a three part reunion, but sorry not sorry, Beverly Hills, these drunks definitely deserve three hours of my time over your three-parter.   I always like to see how everyone is arranged on the chairs/sofas, and Lala being immediately to my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen really says something.  I was surprised Stassi immediately followed her!? And then Kristin Doute…. per usual…. all the way on the end.
Lisa is on the other side of my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen wearing her usual high waist black pants, but she really upped the ante by taking her pussy-bow top to the next level with severe bedazzling.  I’m sure it costs a fortune, despite looking like the work of an expert bedazzler.

I’m so glad they touched on Stassi’s boyfriend Patrick – how could they not? – but truly, he was despicable.  It takes a lot to look like an a-hole on this show, and he really takes the cake.  He not only has serial killer eyes (like, even worse than that Bachelor contestant) but his 975 comments about LVP’s ass, constant berating of Stassi, and general douchery made even the biggest Stassi-critics stand in her corner.

I truly have a hard time seeing Jax as anything other than the boy who crief wolf, because even with the passing of his father  I can’t tell what’s real with him or not.  I have a hard time seeing anything he does as something other than selfish and manipulative.  I feel more empathy for Brittany and everyone else there crying than him, because everyone else’s tears seemed more real?

All of these leads to discussing again the lack of ANY and ALL birth control between Jax and Brittany and that Jax is ready to be a dad!!  I seriously fear for this poor child…. Jax will see this as his next cash-cow opportunity, the next Britanny and Jax Take Kentucky spin off…..

Lisa admits she’s never cashed a check from Tom or Tom (DUH) for Tom Tom . Why cash a check you know will bounce?

K….. moving on to Scheana……

HOW does her face constantly look MORE and MORE frozen.  Her face when she starts to cry is MIND BLOWING.  She needs to STAHP and stop it now!!!!!

Lala and Scheana are no longer friends…. well… no one, it seems, and Scheana are friends.  Now that she doesn’t have Rob to focus her energy on, it’s bak too 100% selfies and full blown Scheana Show.

The highlight of Part I was watching everyone’s facial expressions while Scheana tells the 27 minute story of how she met her now-ex-love-of-her-life-7-minute-Rob.

7 Minute Rob was a guest on Juicy Scoop (I think Juicy Scoop, either that or Kate Casey’s podcast) and it was SO obvious how desperate for attention he was.  Listening to them all talk about it on this is the one redeeming thing for Scheana – he was SO hungry for attention…… I mean…. not as hungry for attention as she is.  I really just can’t with her.

Her and Jax argue back and forth and it really boils down to one thing: Scheana will never care about anything, including someone losing a parent, more than she cares about posting a selfie to instagram.  Can I get an Amen?

and then she storms off to cry about her lashes and make up and appearance while Jax continues to have a temper tantrum back on set.

:: Southern Charm : Last Week :: 

How often is Chelsea cutting these boys hair?
Because without these hair cuts, I don’t know how they are going to film all the gossip.
CORRECTION : They have everyone meet up and women pretend to enjoying casually drinking STEIN’s of beer, and then they discuss the gossip.  The latest gossip is Payton, Relationshep Shep’s ex, former employee of Vanderpump Dogs, Queen of Resting Bitch Face, seems like she doesn’t have a single female friend on the face of the planet, moving to Charleston “to be back South and work at a doggy day care.”

Ughhhhh WHY is Payton back.  Why?
If you watched Relationshep you can probably understand my distaste.   She was so rude and had so much attitude the whole time, especially to the girls in the house with her.

Payton wants to throw a Halloween Party with Austen to get more screen time because she already tried dating Shep, so why not try Austen out and then maybe Craig too and see if anything sticks.  Who knows, maybe Thomas could be next!?
Payton wants to meet people and make new friends.  The three other “girlfriends” on Relationshep were polar opposites and completely different ages, and yet everyone got along great and had fun together.  Well, the three of them and NOT Payton.  So I’m shocked she is having difficulty making friends!!
You know what a great idea is when you want to meet people for the first time? Cover your face completely in paint so no one will recognize you if they ever see you again. Genius!!!

Naomi comes in to the party guns-blazing because she heard that Payton has set her sights on Craig now (slash Craig said he would date her).
What Naomi needs to realize is this : an unemployed pillow maker with the embroidery skills of a child with an automatic sewing machine is NOT exactly the ex you need to go psycho over.
But hey, you’re making my Thursday night week after week, so get it girl.
And Naomi may be a lunatic in her approach, but I agree with everything she says.
Correction…. still think Kathryn is a ticking time bomb…. but when it comes to JD and Payton, I CONCUR NAOMI.

This girl is SO THIRSTY desperate for attention (I keep thinking the word “thirsty” now because they use it so frequently, but I really don’t want to add that to my vocabulary…. desperate doesn’t quite explain it well enough though!?) Naomi makes her cry, and I begin to feel badly for her…. but she was SO mean to the girls on Relationshep that I realize…. no, no I don’t.

Speaking of the man Naomi is going INSANE over, as if Ryan Reynolds was her ex or something, Craig meets with a “life coach”.  He does a great job of picking up his disgusting house – trash is everywhere, clothes are everywhere, it’s a mess.  Much like HIS LIFE. Only Craig invites a life coach into his home and leaves it in complete and utter disarray. 

and why is this life coach, like, into him? am I imagining things? Is Craig giving off vibes to Payton, Life Coach Kathy, and even Sewing Studio Susie that I don’t realize?! 

:: T-Rav and Sexual Allegations :: 
When I went to google for images for this post, the top thing that came up was an active article about Thomas being accused by multiple women about sexual assault.  I don’t know how I wasn’t privy to this until last night because apparently there have been women coming forward for awhile – he must be offering lots of cash freely (??) but check out the article here. or just google Thomas Ravanel Sexual Assault for a bunch.

:: Busy Phillips New Show ::

I have loved Busy since back in the Dawson’s Creek Days, so I am excited to hear she has a new show coming out – but interested to see how it’ll go!?

:: Ashlee Simpson is coming Back to Reality TV ::

Ashlee Simpson is heading back to our TV’s! I meannnn I think we all watched Ashlee’s first reality show (the annoying intro is already playing in my head as we speak and I am picturing Ryan Cabrera’s INSANE hair), so I will of course give this one a try too…..

:: Beverly Hills Reunion : Part 3 :: 

ummm……… It’s finally over!
Cheers!!!

but seriously, what is Erika’s problem lately?!

and now her instagram is making people wonder if she quit the show….. thoughts?

:: RH of Potomac ::
I’m taking a dive this weekend into Potomac…. I’ve decided it’s my goal for May.
I like to set really high goals, ones that are difficult to achieve unless you really focus and put your mind to it……

:: Mazel of the Week :: 
Ok but really….. back to Ashlee Simpson…. this Buzzfeed article about the show is amazing.  Josh Henderson references and everything!

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews