DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Southern Charm : Last Week :: 

My never ending love of Southern Charm rivals that of Summer House in that absolutely nothing could happen in each episode and I am still ecstatic.  I just love it.  Tonight it’s going to HIT THE FAN when they go to Hilton Head and TrAshley gets all vocal about the kids.  But first…. last Thursday’s episode…..

The same producer that edit’s Shannon on RHOC is editing Kathryn on this show because they do some savage edits and cuts.  Kathryn is going to work out with Chelsea and she says “growing up I was always in shape”  and they cut to 21 year old Kathryn size 000 in her bikini at the beach flirting with Shep and Craig and Whitney and Thomas before sleeping with all of them.

And then they cut to an unflattering currently angle.  I mean, nothing is as cruel as what they would do to do Shannon in OC, but I still felt like it was a jab.

Kathryn says “I want to look like Chelsea, that’s my goal.” Uh ME TOO GIRL.  Me too.

Kathryn discusses how she has learned over the years with Thomas how to keep things civil; it’s pathetic that she has to smile and laugh at his dumbass to keep him acting kind and to keep seeing the kids. I will never understand how any woman could ever see him attractive, let alone have TWO children with him.

We learn that Austen is back to hanging out with Chelsea’s friend Victoria (who is freaking adorable.)  She came over to Austen’s and spent the night the same night of the Nico party, which was when he was basically trying to go home with Chelsea.  I love Austen, but I feel like that one is biting him in the ass right now. (note to self: google if he is still dating her, otherwise, who cares…..)

We have our first diary sessions of Naomi with her NEW NOSE!!!!! The little black dress commentary sessions are of her post-nose-job.  She definitely looks different, but still just as adorable.  I’m relieved to say that she doesn’t look as different as that first image that got sent around the internet when she posted the selfie on instagram – and the more I keep seeing pics on instagram she doesn’t look that different, which I think is a good thing.  She’s gorgeous either way.
editors note : what do we call these things? confessionals? diary rooms? I talk about them constantly on every show and never know what I should call them??

Patricia takes Thomas’ side piece to play dress up TrAshley at Gwynn’s ; the pretty co-worker at Gwynn’s is going to be a cast member next season at this point.  I love how Patricia acts like Southern women don’t wear shorts to a BBQ in Shep’s backyard (??) so THAT is why the poor girl needs help, but whatever.

editors note :  I wonder how TrAshley is handling all of Thomas’ sexual harassment allegations? I’d love to hear what nonsense response she has to all of that. 

Patricia thinks she knows how to help young TrAshley because she is so classy, but saying you had 3 husbands and could have had 20 is NOT something to brag about?!  But hey, what do I know……

In spite of her stellar interview, Kathryn scores an internship at Gwynn’s, so we now CLEARLY know that Gwynn’s is just ready for some big time Bravo press.  I can only imagine how swimmingly this internship will go based on Kathryn’s previous work experience.

“The only store I’ve worked in was an ice cream shop, and I was miserable because it’s hard to scoop ice cream!”

Haaaaa.  I can’t.

She is so uncontrollably awkward that I don’t understand how she will EVER speak to customers, let alone style them.  I’m shocked she managed being on a reality show for the past 5 years when she is this socially awkward!?  Stil – good for her – I am somehow on her side this season and for now it’s staying that way.

Back to Patricia, who is driving me in insane this episode. She is hosting another one of her infamous all male dinner parties – ugh.  Goodie. Can’t wait for JD to arrive!
(sorry not sorry, but for a Southern woman who loves to criticize others about being proper and their manners, marrying a 4th husband and hosting all male dinner parties for a bunch of degernate 25-55 year old men is FAR from it.  That’s the exact behavior she would disdain.  Such a hypocrite.
I know everyone just loves Patricia, but sorry not sorry, no classy lady keeps T-Rav and JD that close.

Austen looks around the room as he listens to every one and notes “these men have no idea how to date or compromise”.

Thomas shares that Ashley is not on birth control, so their relationship is similar to another one involving a male dumbass: Jax and Brittany.
Hopefully T-Rav and TrAshley know how to take a pregnancy test at least. OH WAIT, silly me, he helped Kathryn season one with hers, so he’s a pro.

Thomas accidentally says Kathryn’s name instead of Ashley’s when talking about how long you should be with someone before thinking about marriage (“4 seasons”, acording to T Rav).  I’ll make a note of that, because the person that impregnates a 21 year old when he is in his fifties, and then impregnates her again after not speaking to her for the entire existence of the first child should DEFINITELY be the person to ask about when to marry someone.

Kathryn and Thomas meet up for dinner to discuss the kids and family life.  Kathryn tells him she was heartbroken when she saw the “family” photo trick or treating.  YEAH. I bet.  Because who is this freak trying to move in on your kids!? Are people THIS fame hungry that they go from THOMAS RAVANEL?

Kathryn begins a sentence saying “I wish we could” and he finishes it with  “get back together?”  and she gives one of her ‘are you insane?’ fcaces and says “NO be friends for the kids.”  Seriously Thomas is delusional.  It’s like he immediately was ready to sleep with her (and probably impregnate her) that night if she had given the okay.  Like, 100 percent believe that if she had gone with the flow with that and let him, he would have had unprotected sex with her.  I can’t with him.

:: WWHL with Craig + Kathryn ::

Kathryn brought her hair back to a natural red color  and it’s long again and it looks SO much better!!!  My-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen asked for them to comment on T-Rav’s legal situations but they didn’t say anything.  There also was way too much asking if the two of them would date and I 1) think that’s the worst idea ever and 2) wonder if Naomi, who has moved on with a DOCTA (I see your useless law degree and raise you a doctor), would still go single white female insane over Craig.

The other big thing that happened was that Craig said that he cried when he found out she got a nose job. Naomi just learned that info when the rest of America did on Monday night…..

:: Vanderpump Rules :: 

It’s the final part of the Pump Rules reunion, and the final hour of seeing the most obnoxious human being on earth: Scheana Shay.  Scheana says she can’t comment on much because she only watched her own scenes and would fast forward through everyone else’s.  But I mean, that’s totally normal for an egomaniac right!?!  She sys that she’s just SO busy taking selfies with her gig in Vegas that she doesn’t have time to watch.
UM, WHAT!?!?! You don’t have time to watch 40 MINUTES of TV PER WEEK!?
40 MINUTES!?
Girl…. that’s maybe one of the most obnoxious things you’ve said all season……

And THEN she says later that she didn’t want to watch because she didn’t want to relive a relationship with an ex? Well, then WATCH OTHER PEOPLE’S SCENES.
I agree with Kristen Doute (again, never thought I’d say those words)  it’s obnoxious and unprofessional of her.   I, again, think it’s hilarious that this is the second reference to “professionalism” we’ve seen this reunion.  {The first being Scheana saying she’s “a professional” that will get through the reunion after Jax made her cry and she had to have her make up fixed for 27 minutes}.  What exactly does being a a professional entail for a reality star? But seriously, Kristen’s right, WATCHING the show you are on is part of the job.  So that you are able to comment at the damn reunion.  Think of your commentary as m more screen time which is probably all you want anyway, so it’s a win-win?!

A bunch of other stuff happens, but the only other thing that matters is that they bring out shots of “the pasta” at the end.  And Scheana.  Eats it.  Like I have never seen anyone (except Taylor Armstrong eating cotton candy) eat before.

The producers of this show deserve to be the most paid people on the planet for the footage of Scheana alone.
I did a full slo-mo of it on my instagram story but of course have NO clue how to put that in here……

What is the point of having 10 inch long nails if you aren’t going to use them to snag the pasta from the shot glass?! Really?!

Also….. I realized why she looks so crazily alarming at the reunion.  Well, OTHER than the 50 pounds of botox she has pumped into her face.  She always does those colored contacts and I think they make her look awful!!

PS, she’s galavanting around Mexico with the most self obsessed man on the planet, Bachelor Ken, and still claiming to just to be friends.  They really should date though, they are made for each other.

:: Paul, James’ Roommate ::
UMMMMMMM.
Selfies of Paul hit the internet on @twojudgeygirls instagram
and I’ll just leave these right here for ya.

Yes, it was worth the time it took cropping and collaging these images.
I make sure to put effort into what’s important, and this was probably the most important news of today’s post.
Re-reading this post and correcting my ten thousand grammatical errors? Nope.
This? YEASSS.

:: Below Deck Med :: 

Below Deck Med is one of the few shows my husband will allow to be on the television while we are in the same room, so I always look forward to it’s return! The first round of guests could not have been more obnoxious – from the constant asking for nuts to the lunatic that acted like she was a deckhand boating expert flipping out every 10 seconds.”  I couldn’t tell if the red had was wasted or what, but she said she had stale pistachios with her edibles so I’m thinking maybe this lady was just high as a kite picturing like giant tsunami waves coming at her during the storm? And don’t even get me started on them with the food.  They complain that they don’t want pasta and food their dog eats and after freaking out about the meal say…. oh, some spaghetti please?! WHAT?!
And this J-Woahh guy is going to be a total creep.

:: RHONY :: 

….. I forget every week that Carole’s tagline is even “marathon” ….. ughhhh just start drinking now!

We’re back at the BEZERKSHIRES! Yay!!!! I literally cooked and cleaned and made my room nice before settling in to bed to watch!  There’s also just something about a costume/theme dinner party when sheyite goes down that makes it 10x more entertaining.

I seriously really do love Dorinda and her house for the holidays. I would seriously die to have annual Christmas trip with girlfriends like that (but like…. real girlfriends…. not ones I want to scream at all weekend.)
I forget that Dorinda always does a Round 1 and a Round 2 of guests arriving.

Sonja gets a facial every week and my hopes of looking as good as she does completely disappear.  I was hoping it was all the years of cocktail’ing that did it…… damn.

Bethenny driving up says “I’m in such a good mood there’s no way anything can happen!” Famous last words…..

Dorinda has rules this time around for Christmas in the Bezerkshires. Mainly, don’t do the sheyite you did the previous years 1. boss around the housekeeper 2. take articles of clothing like silk jammie and wear them and 3. rip stuff off of walls and cause damage to the house.  Sonja promptly takes photographs of her entire bedroom as if she is renting a rental care and I just LOVE it.  I actually think it’s genius of her.  Especially if she’s sharing a room with the lush LuAnn!

It is ah-mazing that Drunk Dorinda’s character is Tammy Temperance.  I love that all of these personas perfectly fit the women themselves.  Dorinda with the Temperance Movement, Bethenny as the business woman, Tinsley taking family money and doing whatever she wants with it, Sonja not know how to handle the finances and getting money from men, Carole is the political freak with a deceased husband (playing herself as Bethenny said), etc.  Tinsley’s costume is great except for whatever dickie is tied around her neck.  Sonja looks so cute – brings her calculator and immediately starts hitting on the men acting out the roles.   Bethenny must have been one of the ladies getting professional hair and make up for this shindig because her costume, hair, and make up look incredible.  LuAnn is the last to arrive and the editors cut to drunk LuAnn in the bushes of Cabo but label it “1919” and I once again fall deeply in love with the people behind the camera at Bravo. Bless them.

WHY does Carole keep smoking cigarettes when in costume!? Like LITERALLY smoking in SOMEONES HOME now!? Has she lost her damn mind!? Again…… all of this finger pointing keeps getting directed towards Sonja but I think there are plenty of other crazies here to point at.

The murder begins and LuAnn jumps at the chance to give mouth to mouth just moments after walking into the room (also ripping a cig). Sonja’s devastated that one of the young boys had to die so soon so she only has one left to hit on.  And right after that, the other one goes.  Sonja is beside herself shaking him all around hoping he’ll come back to life as though it isn’t part of the plan.
There is no murder mystery because Dorinda immediately goes “I did it! K……. moving on! Let’s eat and drink!!”  Bless her.  She’s ready to move on to the important things : some drunken drama.

She calls out Bethenny and Carole to ask what’s up.  And the flood gates open.
The fact that this entire conversation is in these costumes just kills me.
I think the real anger will start next week, but I need to get one more complaint in about Carole real quick.  I can’t handle when people say someones name fifty times in an argument.  It’s so belittling and passive aggressive.  She must have said Bethenny like 72 times in that 3 minute clip.

Is Bethenny playing into semantics with the Saturday versus Sunday and calling versus messaging versus whatever? YES! But my focus of UGHHH is on Crappy Carole so Bethenny can do whatever she wants.  Bethenny didn’t spend an entire season talking about cats and an ugly sofa, and then talking only about a marathon, and then be a straight up beyotch about eggs at a diner, so I will be Team Bethenny this season until further notice.   Even when B is a total B.

:: John Cena :: 
Apparently John Cena and Nikki Bella are ‘basically back together’ after the public split right before their wedding and even more public commentary immediately following it on The Today Show about wanting her back.  I call BS.  I think someone wanted some serious serious attention and knew just how to get it.
It was all perfectly timed with the premiere of the new season of the E! show too. Hmmmm………

:: Um, What?!?!  :: 
First it was Colin Jost and Scarlett Johanssen.
Now it is Ariana Grande dating SNL actor Pete Davidson.
I give this WAY less time than the first two.

:: Mazel of the Week ::

To the Royal Newlyweds on giving us all something to come together and love and enjoy last Saturday.
HOWEVER.  A quick Coffee Talk comment : what was up with the folding chairs? could we really not have fixed that hunk of hair? did no one say that her dress needed a bit more alterations?  Of course she still looked stunning, but it’s the wedding of the century with everything you could ever want at your fingertips…… so I mean…… it’s gotta be said.
BUT.
Her second Stella McCartney dress.
And getting into that gorgeous vintage car with Harry in his tux.
Pure perfection.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews