DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: SOUTHERN CHARM :: 

The final morning in Hilton Head has arrived, and everyone wakes up in the morning ready to get the hell out of doge.  TrAshley is literally the girl from Bridesmaids wearing fresh “natural” make up in bed acting as though she just opened her eyes for the first time.  Not buying it.

Craig dreamed he and N’omi were back together, so naturally, instead of realizing HELL NO it was a dream, he asks her in the morning if they got back together.  (Why does he say her name like that? if it’s a nickname, it’s a bad one, because it sounds like he cannot say her actual name)

Everyone leaves the house as quickly as possible without having to lay eyes on the garbage couple in the master, and not one person even bothers to say goodbye to T-Rav and TrAshley. Ha!!! They walk through the house looking for Austen because DAMMIT TrAshley wants that cologne or golf glove or something unnecessarily stupid and completely unrelated to her back.

Back in Charleston, we get to see Austen’s impressive trucker hat collection and Craig making a vision board for his upcoming meeting with his Life Coach. I thought watching Craig sew made me laugh, but this magazine clipping might be surpassing it.

The first painfully awkward moments this week don’t come from TrAsh and TRav, but from Austen and Victoria.  Victoria, a friend of Chelsea’s, was furious when she saw the two exes “cuddling” on the boat and “her kissing his shoulder.”  The reality of the photo was it was freezing and she was basically hiding from the wind with her head shoved into his arm.  There was nothing going on in the photo.  HOWEVER, I do firmly believe he loves Chelsea…. but steal…. I am Team Austen on this that he wasn’t doing anything wrong in the picture.  If Victoria’s dumb enough to date him after technically only meeting him by being friends with Chelsea, that’s on her.   But I digress….

Austen picks up take out and goes to her apartment to eat, and she immediately gets into it with him about Chelsea. Well….perhaps I’m not being fair….. she takes a swig of wine and THEN gets into it.
At first I feel bad a TINY bit badly for Victoria…. do she not know she looks a bit like a crazed jealous woman to all of Bravoland?! But that quickly dissipates. Instead of directing her anger at Austen, it’s all focused on Chelsea.  I don’t play that game.  Victoria is saying “her actions don’t align with what she says” Ummmm how?! And again, focus on Austen’s actions, not hers.  Then she says “do you think that’s appropriate body language? Or appropriate body language that’s respectful towards me?!” Ummmm YEAH GIRL.  I DO. It was COLD ON A BOAT.   This relationship is doomed.  Austen should just run away now while he still has a chance at getting Chelsea back.

As Victoria begins to spiral, she finally starts saying a little bit more about what is bothering her than just the boat/face cuddle thing (it’s clearly over far more than that!)   She says there is a comment on social media about Chelsea sneaking across the hall to his room in the middle of the night. Dun dun dunnnnn. I hope it’s true, hashtag team Chelsea + Austen. 

Meanwhile, Craig meets with his Life Coach Lady (who bothers me a bit? like, intense stare? what is it?) and he keeps talking about how he is a great liar and steers people certain ways?

He’s acting like he’s some master manipulator like a serial killer and I just want to be like 1) I don’t think you can trick or steer Gizmo the cat and 2) why would you brag about a character trait you definitely don’t have when it’s not a positive one? Oh, Craig…. stick with sewing.

The day of Saint’s party arrives and TrAshley is “still recovering” from the events the weekend prior in Hilton Head. She had “hoped to go to the party to show Kathryn that she isn’t a threat.” Uhhhhhhh yeah? Sure. Mmk.  She is very upset that Kathryn sent a text to TRav saying that she “didn’t want the kids to be around TrAshley because she is hateful and angry and aggressive.” Uhhh YEAH. YES. Yep.   She tells Thomas it hurt her and FINALLY, FINALLY he says “too bad.”   I know Trav is Trash too but FINALLY he says a normal, sane response in defense of his children and a stranger acting like she knows more than anyone about the situation at hand.

Thomas in his diary confessional says “I know that Kathryn and the kids are in my life forever and I need to be with somebody who is understanding of that and not critical or jealous or paranoid about it.”  OK. Those are the exact words you say TO TrAshley’s sorry ass, not to the camera.

I thought at the beach that you could blame some of TrAshley’s behavior on booze (not the meaning or true feelings, but at least part of the crazy) and having too much to drink. But NOPE.   She starts spiraling the exact same way she did at dinner on Dafusky . The quick jerking head nods and *yeah, yeah, yeah* start and she says she doesn’t trust Kathryn in a room that she isn’t in. (seriously…. these women and their obsession with Thomas? biggest eye roll ever…) “I’m not dealing with a normal person here; I’m dealing with darkness and evil.”  And then she directly quotes herself from the week before which is clearly her favorite conforntational “bring it” line which is  “Yeah (nod), yeah (hair flip) you want to go there!!?!”   GIRL.  You two are NUTS.

This gets SO SO awkward. (aka this gets SO SO good). She tries to calm herself down after he isn’t indulging her.  She wants his hand and he asks why. Rage begins to flare and Thomas tells her she has expectations for  him to do things and she gets upset when he doesn’t and that she is very intense.  She shifts her mood and says “I just wanted to say something sweet to you”. She. Is. Sca. Ry.  Like…. these two behind closed doors arguing has got be nuts.

TrAshley keeps composing herself and then snapping.  When TRav says something about Kathryn, because THAT IS WHAT THEY’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THE WHOLE TIME TrAshley snaps “I’m done talking about her, I’m done talking about her, I’m done talking back”.  Thomas snaps back with an ‘I dare you attitude’ asking “is that a command?” in a way that makes this relationship RULL alarming.

TrAshley says her favorite line of “I’m not going anywhere!!!” and since they both clearly aren’t Mensa members Thomas thinks she means her vacation home and is VERY upset thinking she isn’t going to Santa Barbara anymore.

I mean.  I hear like SERIAL KILLER noises during this entire scene.  The ree ree ree ree.  She is INSANE.  Like… this is the girl in a lifetime movie that is trying to kill the Baby Mama to get her out of the picture forever.

At Saint’s birthday party, Naomi is a vision in all white – white jeans and a beautiful white eyelet top.  She’s so pretty I can’t stand it. Dani is wearing jeans and a wrinkled grey tee.  Like, Dani.  I can’t with you.  I know it’s a kids birthday party, but she always looks SO disheveled.  Actually, to be fair, her outfit is perfectly fitting and fine for the occasion, it’s just that she always looks like she’s just throwing clothes on with some smudged eye liner and walking out the door. Sorry, not sorry.

Craig arrives and get’s a great one liner “did (Thomas) bring the psycho?” before rushing to get a full layer of face paint with the kids.

Alright, I’m feeling really awkward with this Kathryn and Shep secret love situation; they keep insinuating that something is going on between them.  I thought they were going to leave it as an unspoken thing, but NOPE, suddenly Kathryn is commenting on how her and Shep could be a great couple and I just want to DIE for her (and for how socially awkward she can be.)

As we have learned, Shep and 99% of women doesn’t work out, so I can say it’s likely 100% not a ideal match with Kathryn.  She really needs to set her eyes on sleeping with someone that is NOT Craig, Thomas, Shep, or Whitney.  I know men are hard to come by in Charleston, but SERIOUSLY?!?!

Back to TrAshley.  They are having cocktails and Jimmy Johns, just a typical “Honey I’m Home” lunch occasion.  She takes a non-existent bite of her sandwich the size of a millimeter and immediately asks about Saints party. “Was I thought of?  I’m sure Kathryn was thinking of me  (Evil laugh).”  My level of hatred for this girl continues to reach new levels……Thomas then of course acts like it’s all about him and makes sure to keep fanning the flames between Kathryn and TrAsh.  He doens’t know if Kathryn has these feelings of not wanting to let him go and maybe that’s the problem?NEWS FLASH T RAV.  Believe it or not women CAN control themselves around you.  I would think ALL women could, but apparently you found two that wanted to sleep with you for some unknown reason.

TrAshley stars spiraling saying “you guys aren’t a family, you were never a family” AND “these children were never planned on.”  WOAH GIRL.  I mean she really is PURE EVIL.  Chel-SEA was right.

Thomas finally says something to back up Kathryn, saying “you need to know that I’m always going to have a soft spot for Kathryn. If you disrespect Kathryn you are disrespecting me and my children.”  Evil TrAsh in the corner says  “well….. I feel disrespected too.” By what?!?!?! What on earth do you feel disrespected by?! She starts ranting about him being out with the guys the other night until “11:30 12:30 1:30 2:30 3:30 4:30” and they cut to him, whattaya know, dancing and being a creepy flirt at the bar.  She seriously is insane though.  I believe all stage 5 serial killers have said something similar to this : “You’d be the first person who doesn’t want to come home to me.  Naked in your bed.”  I can’t.

And then that’s the end of the scene?! I hate when the episodes end like this – I want to see how this conversation REALLY ended. Silence ?!? Or what else was said !? Did she akwardly take a few more miniature millimeter bites of sandwich?! Who stood up first?!  That is NOT how it ended.  Same with the Austen and Victoria thing.  Like, there was MORE after that, even if it’s just awkwardness, and I WANT TO SEE IT.

Hashtag I love Southern Charm.

BUT…… they just filmed the reunion this week, sans Thomas, and I have to admit, I am devastated he is kicked off the show.  Of course it’s necessary and he needs it, but this show is NEVER going to be as good without him and this awful girl.

:: RHOC Trailer ::
The trailer for the new season has been released. They better bring it this year…. because last year was rough.  And by rough, I mean horribly boring.  I don’t mean fighting when I say
“bring it” – that’s why I can’t watch Atlanta and don’t like New Jersey – I just want some good old fashioned entertainment.

:: Last Week’s RHONY :: 

It’s like Christmas in July June reliving LuAnn’s arrest in Palm Beach.

The ladies are back from Christmas and recapping their vacations and arrest.  It’s a bit hilarious watching them pretend that they haven’t already shared a million texts and calls during the time between Christmas and New Years about this, but I appreciate that for the sake of the show they rehash it all for us.

After LuAnn was released from jai, Tinz invited her over to her mom Dale’s in PB for a cocktail in case she needed a shoulder to lean on! Tinz has been in Palm Beach cuffs before and knew how she felt.  I mean, seriously.  What are the odds that two NY Housewives have been to the same Palm Beach jail!? Tinz makes sure to point out that the difference is that she had a misdemeanor, while the Countess has FOUR FELONY charges.

I love listening to Ramona talk about how entrepreneurial she is. I mean, she actually IS.  I meannnn I would buy her skincare line.  But listening to Ramona harp on and on about herself  always makes my day.

Bethenny is having her SkinnyGirl Jeans launch – sans Carole….who had a flight that landed with plenty of time to make it.  No surprise there.  Sonja comes in wearing her winter coat and big fur hat and I am cracking up. She’s flirting with the waiter boys and telling them all about her diet (and seafood and shellfish are included in a vegan diet, in case you didn’t know that.)

….but can we discuss skinny girl jeans? Because…. no. Just because you can create any product you want doesn’t mean you should.  I will purchase your cocktails, but your deli meat and your denim are a hard no. (oh, but her honey mustard salad dressing was actually really good…. gotta say it…..)

Bethenny decides it’s time to discuss the Nutcracker incident. I’m with Dorinda during this entire convo. Dorinda says she’s over it and she’ll only talk about it once but that shes pissed about not getting a simple ‘Thank You’ And Bethenny responds with “Well the night before Puerto Rico didn’t work out how I had thought….” WHAT?! Gawd.  Not what you’re discussing.  This is where Bethenny screws herself with her fight with Carole – she jumps all over instead of just focusing on the task at hand.

The next morning, she drags her hungover ass to meet Carole.  All I am thinking during this meal is what has Carole had done to her face? I know this isn’t a new thing, but every week I try to figure out if she got a face lift or a brow lift or what, but something is wonky in the eyelid/brow department …

Oh. and again. In the Carole and Bethenny debate, I can’t even look at Carole and watch her eating in this scene without wanting to scream at the television, so yeah, still on the Big B’s side, even she is a B.

Tinz has Sonja come stay in the hotel with her while Sonja’s apartment gets worked on (I mean….Sonja sniffing her underwear and saying “this is the dirty” pair while she is on the bed surrounded by plastic sheeting – I can’t.) I love Tinz listing her “rules” for the apartment to Sonja. I forgot about how insane Sonja went over her assistant sigining for a UPS for Tinz.  BUT WAIT. Why is she getting her a penthouse suite with a Louis Vuitton purse? Can Tinz and I be BFF? 

:: This week RHONY :: 

Ugh.  I wasn’t prepared for this week to open up with Bobby’s passing.  So sad. I just wish Bravo had had someone OTHER than Ramona be the narrator of it all.

NO MORE BRAVO COMMERCIALS.  This Incredibles 2 commercial.  I can’t.
OH. MY. GAWD.  I’m not even done typing that and now it’s another damn Coupon Cabin commercial.  STAHP THE MADNESS.

Tinz’s mom Dale is in town.  Bless Dale.  I just love her.  But it is NOT okay to go to Amsale and try on wedding dresses.  NOT. OKAY.  But that was just the beginning!!!  In the wedding dress they call the FERITLITY DOCTOR and she cries while looking at her frozen eggs.  I am DYING.  Forget the woman that texted that guy 60,000 times.  THIS is the definition of NEXT LEVEL. editors note: and I love it……. 

Carole’s with one of her cats named Baby, which is last year’s version of the “Marathon” drinking game, so DRINK.  Also, when you are on the phone with someone who has hired you for work, you don’t EAT POPCORN during the call.  SERIOUSLY?! I can’t with her.  Zero manners.  Hashtag I’ll never get over the egg ordering incident. 

Bethenny is talking to Sonja about her and Jill maybe “getting back together” and it’s just like……just let Jill grieve.  This is about Bobby.   Not about you. Or you two.  Give her a hot minute.

The women go to a jail themed gym to continue the LuAnn commentary, and Ramona strolls in with severe bedhead per usual.  They take mug shots and everything – which Tinz is THRILLED about because she gets to take a mugshot with her cute braids and make up freshly done.  Bethenny is working out in a sports bra and leggings and instead of putting her shirt back on she just has to keep grabbing her breasts during burpees.  I meannnnn.  Good thing there’s no water excercises here because she’d be ass naked in that swimming pool faster than you can say SkinnyGirl.

LuAnn strolls out of rehab in her white denim and chambray shirt looking like sheer perfection.  They play the flashbacks of charges and death threats to the police officer and she calls Dorinda as only LuAnn can, acknowledging more than she usually does, but still kind of breezing over it all. But, ya know, she wants to know about what spa the girls are taking to her because “she’s been traveling she’s been to prison she just wants to be close to home!”

Whoever says that Real Housewives is not good television needs to watch this and eat their words.
Bless Bravo.

:: The Bachelorette :: 

We’re back for another week of painfully terrible group dates and a gaggle of former Bachelor contestants squealing like tweens and checking out the guys they will soon be dry humping on a beach in Mexico on Bachelor in Paradise.

I am annoyed with Baby Bekah just from her 25 seconds in this episode, so I’ll probably lose my mind during BIP.

Becca’s “girls” are there to help her check out the men, and the big elephant in the room is that Tia and Colton used to date.  I wish they would explain more of the dating situation (How did you meet? How long were you talking/dating? You live in different states so what’s the whole story?!) But they don’t give us tons of information.

The one real piece of akwardness is that they broke up when he was chosen for the show and when Tia could have still possibly been the Bachelorette, soooo that’s highly suspicious.  Also, right before Tia he was dating the gymnast Aly Raisman.

But, none of this matters, because he is freaking hot.  I consider him a blonde and blondes are not my type usually, but dayum, I changed my mind this week and I think Becca clearly doesn’t give a crap who his ex’s are because he is the hottest man left standing.

Colton walks into the group date and sees Tia, and he just looks so awkward throughout the whole date.  I mean, they all should look uncomfortable because they are technically rubbing their girlfriends friends down, but still.

Becca FINALLY wears something reasonable for the night part of the date in a red dress with a white coat, very Olivia Pope with the jacket.  Her fashion has been ALL over the place.

But, the next night, it’s a huge HELL NO outfit again. At first I thought it was the stylist, but they have had the same stylist FOREVER and so I feel like she must be choosing these horrible things?!  Like, we’re all lucky it was a spa day for the day date and then all of these sports related dates because I DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW what kind of casual daytime ensembles would have graced out screens.

She is in a black leather jacket, ripped leather leggings, and a sheer cropped bra top with mesh.  All of this topped off with a huge diamond choker.  OH and it’s even worse in her confessionals when she switches from the black leather jacket to a silver one.  This is HIDEOUS.

Jordan is a highlight of the date, discussing how he has had 4,000 Tinder matches and 100% success rate.  No.  Not how that works.  He mayyyyy just be my favorite douche to grace this show.  He keeps giving new material, and I am liking it.  The other highlight of the date is this guy and Jason laughing hysterically at David at Jordan all night.

This one-on-one date writing lyrics, that of course lead to him talking about his parents divorce and his father’s rejection when he sent him a letter, is very awkward. “It’s hard to be vulnerable……My parents (cue music)….. got divorced…. I wrote my dad a letter…. he rejected me…..”

The show is then interrupted and I may have screamed some profanities at the television other than DAMN YOU ABC NEWS SPECIAL REPORT.

Finally, we’re back to the awkward date with Richard Marx.  Now, I may be the only one, but I grew up in my moms car as she drove my older siblings everywhere, and this is the kind of music I would belt at the top of my lungs knowing every word.  So I loved this Richard Marx cameo.  Loved it.

While they are being serenaded, we see a bloody scene has occurred back at the mansion.  Of course they dragged it out to make it seem as dramatic as possible, as if Jordan had punched David in the face, but in reality he had fallen out of the bed.  And was in the ICU.  I feel so bad for him! Are there really not railings on those bunk beds?! That’s not possible!? I am so confused – you can’t leave a bunch of drunk men in twin bunk beds without a bumper!?

I know they showed Jordan pretending to screw in a railing, but it had to have been there all along?  The guys said they heard him DOWNSTAIRS when he landed.  Ahhhh.

The next group date is playing football, and the poor sweet Pro Football player injures his wrist and has to leave and get surgrey.  Career ending injury from……. playing on the Bachelorette? Woof.  That’s a tough pill to swallow.

Also a tough pill to swallow? Realizing Becca is now wearing a silver crushed velvet wrap jacket thing.  I meannnnnnnn.  I can’t.  I don’t know if I’m looking forward to see all of the horrible outfits to come this season or if its another reason I dread turning this show on Monday nights???!
To be continued…… next week we see poor David’s crushed face as he is released from the ICU….. yikes.

REAL TIME NEWS : Apparently there was zero background check done on these men, because Lincoln has a record of sexual assault, but the conviction came just a week before the shows air date!!!

:: RH of Potomac :: 
Two quick comments….. how can the realtor need to “kick the door down because it’s locked” if then a camera man is standing inside the place when the door swings open?  Seriously?? So dumb.
Karen’s charity checks being written to her company is as SHADY AS IT GETS.

:: Mazel :: SATC :: 
I forgot how marathoning SATC all day can be the absolute best.  (Especially when it is NOT season 6….. my least fav season ever….) We would play the DVD’s of the season all the time sophomore year in college, and I’d use the DVD sets to fall asleep when I didn’t have cable in my bedroom during a stint living and working in Scottsdale post college.  I DVR’d all of it and watched a ton the past week for the 20th anniversary!

:: Jackhole : Ariana Grande :: 
Well, I suppose I am the Jackhole for saying this relationship wouldn’t last.  Ha, just kidding….. THEY are insane to be getting engaged this quickly.  I am sticking with it – this relationship is doomed.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews