DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: SOUTHERN CHARM :: 

This week’s episode paled in comparison to the previous weeks, and for what is to come I hope, but I always enjoy no matter what.

Naomi is kicking ass at a kick boxing class, working out some of her serious aggression that we all now know she has, and we learn that Kathryn is MIA.   Shep points out something that has been driving me (and probably many viewers) crazy – that her iPhone screen is so unbelievably cracked that perhaps she cannot receive calls.  Seriously, when is she going to fix that damn phone!?

Austen and Shep meet for beers and rehash Austen’s Beer Tasting event.  He tells Shep that he accidentally told Victoria that when Chelsea arrived he picked her up and spun her a bit, and Victoria reacted as calmly as she has every other time she has gotten some camera time :  she threw a drink at him.

I’m assuming this is in front of his best friend that was in town visiting and everything.  She is nuts.  FINALLY Austen grew some balls and told her to get in an uber and go home and then blocked her phone.

Preach!!! SEXIER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN by Austen.
OH.  And a recent update thanks to trashy instagram accounts all related to Bravo TV.
Victoria did WAY MORE than throw a drink in his face :

I meannnnnn I need more scoop on this.  You lovely readers always have so much dirt on everything, so feel free to message me 🙂
additional update : Sadly……… Austen’s instagram commenting continued on and he went on to BASH CHELEA with a comment saying he “needed a woman with a sex drive”.  EXCUSE ME!?!?! 
Chelsea is everything.  What an ass! 
Of course all of this happens after the reunion has already filmed so we can’t have my-boyfriend-andy-cohen ask questions……
but I digress……

Naomi and Dani do a “wellness check” on Kathryn, who had still not responded to a single persons calls or texts.   She won’t come to the door but the property manager goes solo and confirms she is alive…..but Kathryn wont open the door for them…..  hmmm……

TrAshley goes to see Patricia…. still no voice (seriously they must scream at each other) …. and ask for some advice about taming Thomas.  She complains that he’s out partying and she doesn’t understand – “I’m dealing with an older man and its like get your shite together!”  OR don’t start dating a 55 year old that has two kids with a twenty something he barely dated and act like he is randomly going to be some class act?

Patricia makes me a bit insane, but at least she says the most obvious thing that this moron can’t figure out: “First of all, men don’t change.” A-DUH!   Then she says the other most obvious thing to this (erases thought) (I can’t with TrAshley….. moron is as nice as I can go…….) Patricia tells her “Kathryn is always going to be the mother, so you just focus on being the girlfriend.” And she also went so far as to say “if you want to be with Thomas,  you need to sit there and be silent . That’s all he wants.”  YEP.  Pretty much.  He’s a complete and utter ass, so why are you surprised when he acts otherwise?!

PEEEEE. EEEESSSSSS. I just googled to see how old Thomas was and Whitney is FIFTY!?
Am I the only one shocked by that?!

Craig meets with a law school buddy for a drink and when he asks him what he’s up to he tells him he is a seamstress.  Obviously.  He shows him the rendering of the pillow he’s made for Patricia and the friend responds with what ANY person with eye balls would say: “is that clip art?!”   I didn’t think this pillow design would be award worthy, but it’s truly mind blowing just how clueless and incapable he is of designing A DOG PILLOW.

Cut to Craig’s filthy house, where he tries to arrange flowers with his one functioning hand.  Patricia calls to have him go show her his pillow designs and I. cannot. wait.  He tells her he can stop by in an hour, and THREE hours he arrives because he was messing with EVEN MORE CLIP ART.  Seriously!? Nothing with Craig should be a surprise and yet it always is.

Craig whips out his computer to show her and she obviously has zero interest.  When she asks how he got the design he tells her  “it was online and I did the colors.”  She delicately informs him that the pillow design not only shouldn’t be CLIP ART it should also be original.

Craig is shocked! He is peesed! How dare she! If he just had ONE MORE night to work on “the designs” they would be perfect!!   How can be be expected to come up with something more than that when he he only had TWO MONTHS to put a dogs head on a pillow?!

Craig!!! Just MANIPULATE HER! Where is all of this ‘master of manipulation’ and ‘getting people to do whatever you want’ that you keep talking about to your life coach??!?! Don’t tell me that’s a bunch of bullsheyite lies you tell yourself and only you believe, too!?!?!

TrAsh and Trav go to dinner where they continue their dislike for one another in public.  He hands over the jewelry box and for a moment she is pleased, but she opens the bracelet and she seems unimpressed. UGH these two.  (but seriously….. what will the show be without these two next season?!) He basically tells her she needs to get a hobby aka get a job and she’s like “Do I even stand a chance!?”
Sorry not sorry, but I believe all the rumors about her being a former call girl.  Or at the very least a hooker-light, as Heather McDonald calls it.

We finally get an appearance from Kathryn where we learn that she is medicated for depression.  This is no surprise because there’s no way she could have controlled herself that entire trip to Hilton Head and held her tongue around TrAshley otherwise.

:: The Bachelorette :: 

Oh. Em. Gee Y’all. I literally CANNOT with these outfits!
They just keep getting worse and worse AND WORSE.
When I googled for images for this weeks episode, these press looks came up:

Where are NORMAL outfits like this all season long!?
Instead, we see walking the Vegas strip looking like she fits perfectly in Vegas wearing a bedazzled jacket, ugly jeweled necklace, turquoise earrings, leather leggings, and a sparkled sweater top with a striped neckline.  I CANNOT.

This suite at the Aria is truly amazing, though.

Colton gets first one on one….. riding Camels.  I cannot think of anything worse. It’s to “get over the humps of their past relationships”.  No amount of camel riding will erase that he dated your Bachelor-BFF but whatever.  I’d truly rather be jumping off a bridge right now than riding a camel.  She is so into him – jumping into his arms kissing him the second she sees him and saying I miss you; you’d think this was when they’re down to final 4?!?!  Simmer down, Becca.  It’s your first one on one – you’ve had like 1 hour of alone time prior to this?!

They sit in a hot tub surrounded by camels post camel ride and I want to vomit just thinking about the smell surrounding them.  The progress to the evening date and she is wearing MORE SPARKLES.  I’ll allow it because #Vegas and because ANYTHING is better than what she had on earlier.  Is Colton talking about Aly Raisman when he talks about his ex and him only loving someone once????  So many “famous” exes……..

He goes on and on about walls being up and taking a long time to be falling in love and blah blah and then he’s like….. BUT you’re making it very easy. AKA  I’ll probably tell you I love you in 6 days …..

WHOOPS. I typed too soon.  In his confessional “I’m confidently falling in love with her….” LOCK IT UP.  I don’t trust this man slut.  This very, very, ridiculously good looking smile for days man slut.

He says “this is the pinnacle of our relationship” and I’m like UH it’s your FIRST night without 14 men sitting on a couch with you – SIMMER DOWN.

The group date is with Wayne Newton and I am just DYING at so many things, all related to Wayne Newton.  The face! The singing! The awkward Danke Schoen with the wife in the living room!

Douche Bag of the evening goes to the grease ball Chris who thinks these group dates are actual serious situations.  He finds out they have to write songs to sing and thinks he’s got this in the bag because of his one on one song writing experience last week.  Ummmm it’s just a stupid date, not a situation that makes her decide anything about any of you losers? He flips out when she doesn’t spend any one on one time with him that night and it’s very reminescent of Krazy Krystal and the bowling date last season.

He’s truly THE WORST.

The two on one with David and Jordan arrives.  Poor, sweet little David. He is such a nerd.  The producers want this to be very tense and dramatic but really it’s just everyone, including Becca, wanting David to please for the love of Gawd just stop talking.

Jordan decides to take a moment from his superficial model talk to discuss mental illness for a brief moment, and then it’s back to selfishness and grooming.   She sends David home and brings Jordan to the evening date.

He looks like a such a 12 year old little boy this entire day that I literally can’t handle it.  The fact that he thinks is God’s gift to women (4,000 of them have matched in case you didn’t know) is beyond me.  He says “now that I’m fully clothed, I think you know what time it is,  I’m just gonna steal one of these from you” and leans in to kiss her.  WOOF.  Bye, Jordan.  See you in Paradise.

At the rose ceremony she pulls Greasy Chris aside and he is such a weirdo.  I don’t understand how men become cocky like this….. like….. what?  What are you seeing in yourself that no woman in America sees??
And then he’s like snapping at her not to interrupt her – I’d lose my sheyite on this bro.

Most importantly…. I’d like to blame her hideous outfits on Vegas, but in the preview for next week she’s in a full silver and black mini hideousness and then her finale dress is GAWD awful. SERIOUSLY??!?! This is just so bad. I’m embarrassed for her……

:: THE PROPOSAL ::

I’m embarrassed to say that I even let this play in the background while I blogged but MY GAWD it is such crappy television.  And not crappy in the oh-em-gee-I-love-this-garbage kind of way.  Just actual crap.
The most horrifying thing isn’t that people get engaged at the end of a 1 hour program, it’s that they treat it like a beauty pageant combined with dating show.  The awkward waving at everyone in the audience and parade around, walking to certain marks.  It’s PAINFUL.

:: BIG BROTHER ::

I have unfortunately not seen last night’s RHONY yet because it was Big Brother premiere night and that is a big night in my household.  FINALLY I have plenty of TV for summertime because it is on 3 nights per week.  Celebrity Big Brother was only 2 or 3 weeks long which is nothing compared to the REAL BB which is 99 days this season.

I always hate everyone in the beginning and then grow to love them but last night was a HUGE SURPRISE.  There are SO many amazing houseguests already, I can just tell!
And I got so many messages on instagram from people that watch and love it, so I’m going to try to comment on BB more in Coffee Talk.
Seriously – if you aren’t watching – WATCH PEOPLE!
It’s 99 days of pure joy.

:: Lilo Reality Show ::

Lindsay Lohan has been up to a lot lately, and more than just living in Dubai and developing a British Accent.  Apparently she is showing how much she has changed from her clubbing days by, what else, opening her own club! She has opened Lohan Beach House in Greece and is pitching a reality show to MTV about the night club, something Vanderpump Rules-esque.    Nothing says I’ve tuned my life around like opening a night club!  But I will for sure for sure watch.  remember her Oprah series? Pure Gold.  There are also plans to “design a Lohan island is Dubai”….. I’m dying laughing at that one…..

:: Jersey Shore Rahn’s girlfriend/Baby Mama ::

The drama for RAHN and his girlfriend/baby mama just won’t STAHP.

There’s been arguments and physical fights multiple times recently, and this time she apparently dragged him with a car and was arrested.  Who is watching their 2 month old!? These two are a nightmare.

:: Bachelor in Paradise :: 
Soooo I get irrationally upset very annoyed when Bachelor in Paradise spoilers leak because it is the only enjoyable Bachelor show remaining and I like when SOMETHING is a surprise. BUT, I am very excited to hear that Joe the Grocer, who was sent home night one on Bachelorette, is going to be joining the cast! He seemed so sweet!  Although… he seems too good for the filth that will undoubtedly be all over that Mexican beach ….. so perhaps this is not good news….

To see a full list of who is participating, check here.   It is a full list of completely expected people, plus the first girl that I have no recollection of ever seeing in my entire life.

:: Jackhole of the Week ::

This is fairly random for my Jackhole, but I just really CANNOT with Tarek and Christina.  They make me crazy.  So her getting her own show is a jackhole.  If I see one more commercial of them “arguing” while they are both in separate cars for their show and every line is dubbed, I’ll lose my mind.  Flip or Flop was the worst with the two of them when they were together – I can’t handle even more fake acting and hideous houses from either of them!
Even more obnoxious…. Tarek announced hes pondering becoming a yoga instructor while she announces her show. Ugh these two.

:: Mazel of the Week :: 
CHEEZ BALLS ARE BACK!

These were pretty much EVERYTHING in my childhood.
They are going to be sold exclusively at Walmart and Amazon; I don’t know if they are just unavailable until the July 1 sale date, but it already says unavailable on Amazon and I am VERY upset.  If anyone knows any information pertaining to the sale of Planters Cheez Balls and how I can ensure an order, please message me immediately.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews