DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Southern Charm : Last Week:: 

I meannnnnnnnnn I love this show SO MUCH.  The only thing I dislike is the night it airs because we have to wait so long to discuss it!
All they are doing is replaying last weeks scenes between TrAshley and Kathryn with the commentary and background music, and all it takes to get me excited is that BOP BA DOOOOO tune and I. am. ready.

So, we start where we left off, which is TrAshley riling herself up and preparing to go insane on Kathryn.  TrAshley’s body language is as though she is preparing to physically fight because she keeps moving all around and flipping her frizzy hair back over her shoulders.  If there wasn’t a table between these two she would for sure be inching that skinny neck forward of hers to get right into Kathryn’s face.

Dani drives me a little nuts, but I wanted to hug her when she finally says “stop flipping your hair like that”.  The hair flipping alone was insane.  (I really need to learn how to make my own gifs because quite frankly the ones online, especially for this show, miss ALL the good stuff……) 

side note : I wonder if after seeing herself this week she has booked an appointment for a keratin treatment.  three months into moving to SC you are all about a ring on your finger when clearly you can’t even wrap your head around how to TAME YOUR MANE.  Put that thing in a ponytail for gawd’s sake or else STAHP flipping it all over the place.

So TrAshley acts like people don’t even KNOW all of the stuff that Kathryn has done.  She says the kids never sleep when they’re at her house (they never see her and are never there, so they get excited and don’t sleep).  When Saint was in the hospital, she didn’t even go visit him (she ISN’T allowed to.  The scum bag baby daddy is the one in charge of that).  TrAshley threatens to let everyone know everything and Kathryn responds with “okay…. go for it.”   She even threats a little “you better watch yourself!!”  There’s an amazing moment of TrAshley repeating herself with a YEAH YEAH YEAHHHHHH while she hair flips and someone turned it into a song, so PLEASE for the love of Bravo do yourself a favor and watch this. Volume UP.

TrAshley gives a final “I just don’t respect you” as if her opinion matters to ANYONE and Dani finally goes to get Thomas to tell him his garbage girlfriend of THREE MONTHS is going off on Kathryn and being completely out of line.  Per usual, he finally comes over and says and does absolutely nothing.  It goes without saying that I hate him, but all this should take is him SAYING something and putting TrAshley in her place, but of course he does nothing.  They finally stand up and leave to go the parking lot.

Hell hath frozen over because Whitney is on Kathryn’s side and says right away that she handled herself very well.  Wow.  That must have taken a big swallow before he got those words out.

When sweet, kind Chelsea says “that’s an evil bitch right there” I want to cheer! There is NO coming back from the crap she just did.  Even if she does try to make up for it and apologize later (spoiler alert: never gonna happen) 

Moving to the parking lot doesn’t calm TrAshley down, instead, she seems to get even more riled up.  “I try to be my kind sweet self (editors note: HA!!!!) and I kiss her ass (editors note: HA!!!!).  What’s kissing her ass? Humping T-Rav’s thigh everytime you’re around her and asking her if she wants a drink when you know she can’t drink??   TrAshley then even says “how bad of a mother must you be to take two kids and, no offense, give them to a convicted felon.”  I died laughing at this one.  But yeah, make sure you bring up marriage to the convicted felon every chance you get.

Suddenly food is being delivered to the table and I had no idea all this happened BEFORE DINNER.  (amazing.) and they STILL have to all take the ferry back to Hilton Head after this.  This night is never ending.  To no ones surprise, Thomas and TrAshley OF COURSE come walking right back in instead of leaving, but they go inside to the bar to eat, where AGAIN she goes straight into ring talk. “If you proposed to me tomorrow you know I’d say yes.”   This girl has so many screws loose.

Poor Kathryn is sitting there trying not to sob the entire time while everyone around her rehashes what just happened.

Austen pulls Chelsea aside to tell her about Victoria.  It makes me so sad because I really wish the two of them could work out!! They say I love you to each other and everything!?! Chelsea even CRIES! Maybe Austen will get his work situation straightened out and it will workout in the end?! He is so sweet and I love her, too.

Shep goes inside to check on the couple no one wishes was there, and TrAshley is such an idiot that she starts running her mouth to him the second he walks in.  Shep says there’s a lot of history that she doesn’t know about and she immediately starts saying “Court documents!” and all kinds of bitchy comments.  I wish Shep would have been like LISTEN BETCH and said what Thomas doesn’t have a single ball to say.  When you hear your girlfriend of three months going off saying “She doesn’t want to be a mom!  She doesn’t care about these kids!” it’s time to tell your girlfriend to shut her pie hole.

She has said SO much over the course of this dinner that she can never come back from, and for that, I am grateful.  Because I agree, those things are pure evil (and she still doesn’t feel bad about any of it, so it wasn’t just the tequila talking. OH, apparently she took a bunch of tequila shots right before dinner one of them said recently in an interview)

They get on the ferry to hell back to HHI and Chelsea says that its up to Kathryn if TrAshley stays in the house tonight and  Thomas. Goes. NUTS. His face truly turns into a whole new level of animalistic evil, especially with the crazy hair and snarled mouth.  He looks like a deranged possum

(and truly, ask my husband, I can’t even look at a possum without freaking out and wanting to puke.  One used to hang out at night in our backyard and I would FREAK.  They terrify me.  So, of course that would be the creature this ass resembles.) Thomas starts cursing her out and truly screaming at Chelsea and FINALLY Austen tells Thomas to lock it up.  I wish he had said it more aggressively, but still.  Then Austen says words that make my heart go pitter patter.  “The fact that TrAshley is over there not trying to de-escalate the situation speaks volumes to her character…… which is trash.”  TRASH!!!!
Cut to her in the corner drunkenly screaming “enabler! enabler! enabler!” at everyone else on the boat.

It’s literally every one on the boat on one side and the deranged couple in the other and Kathryn is SPOT ON saying they look like a couple from a mental insitute.  He always is foul looking, but when drunk, he looks certifiably insane.
(More hilariousness from instagram to prove their insanity HERE) 

Back at the house, Chelsea is half way  up the stairs, desperate to go to bed and get away from this lunatic, when she corners her on the stairs to start rambling on about Kathryn.  TrAshley is “sick of being nice to her” and she’s “not going anywhere and doing it for the sake of their children.”  The same way she was doing her “yeah…. YEAH…. YEAHHH” before she is now doing but with Chelsea’s name.
It’s literally exactly what I said was SO OBNOXIOUS about Carole on RHONY in the Berkshires when she kept constantly saying Bethenny’s name at the end of every sentence. Makes. Me. Insane.   TrAshley is bobbing her giant frizzy head side to side stating “facts” over and over again to Chel-SEA and just wants Chel-SEA to hear what she’s saying, okay Chel-SEA!?!? “She chose this path CHELSEA and it’s time for her to take some accountability CHELSEA.”  An “just because you give birth to children doesn’t make you a mother CHEL-SEA.” Thank goodness Chel-SEA slowly backs away and tells her to shut the eff up and get a keratin treatment or a pony tail holder quit speaking to her like that.

Kathryn and Dani sit outside with Thomas, who, again, says and does nothing.  Kathryn puts it into perspective when she says those two idiots are the two with the kids all the time.  Scary. Those poor kids.

The next morning to Naomi (and everyone’s?) surprise Craig got up to make breakfast.  She STILL uses it as a chane to take a dig though “I love that you wait until after we broke up to start making breakfast….”

Everyone waits with bated breath to see how TrAshley will behave when she comes out to breakfast.  Not surprisingly, she acts like literally nothing has happened.  After an awkward breakfast, everyone heads out for an excursion except the lovely couple, and she yells HOPE YOUR BOAT DOESN’T CAPSIZE as they leave.   Whitney is stuck in the kitchen with just the two of them and she like SHOVES her tongue down his throat saying she’s going to go take a nap.  I’m sorry, NO ONE DOES THAT. NO ONE does PDA like this at 33 and 55 years old. Nope. Just go take a nap! I HATE HER.

Whitney and Thomas discuss the night before and it seems like even WHITNEY of all people is thinking “Damn Thomas you’re an asshole.”  Whitney finally smartens up and gets the hell out of dodge when he realizes he’d have to spend the day with these two assholes.    While everyone’s having fun fishing without them , she’s like THOMAS WE’D HAVE PRETTY BABIES and smothering him all over the place. Does she ever stop? Ever? EVER?!  Thomas finally squeaks out two words regarding her attack on Kathryn and asks ” do you feel the need to apologize? ” Nope.  Not at all.  “No I don’t that’s how I feel…. I shouldn’t have yelled.” He tries to give her another chance to not look like a complete ass to all of Bravomerica and asks “Well forget all of that about tone; I mean the content –  do you feel bad about anything you said?” and she simply replies “Nope. I learned a long time ago not to wrestle with pigs……”
Ummmmmm I’m pretty sure that saying applies to Kathryn, who sat there and didn’t respond to your character assassination while you went insane at a dinner table, but HEY what do I know?!

Everyone returns to the house for dinner and I LITERALLY CAN’T with this girl as she proclaims  “Thomassss can you feed me!?” Feed your damn self and for the love of gawd go home you two!

Whitney and Chelsea have already turned on TrAshley so there is just one person left: Shep.  He tries to be nice, as always, and go talk to the losers in the corner that no ne wants to socialize with, but he immediately regrets it.  She’s sitting there talking about painting Thomas’ toes and being the boss and obviously Shep is done.  He tries to stand up and slowly back away as she says “oh, good talk, good talk” and he immediately gives her severe side eye and tries to leave as she demands a shot – chilled – from him.

Shep escapes to the single women and just says ” I f’ing HATE her” .  I meannnnnn Slow Clap. Shep!!!!  Shep, who never takes a stand on anything!! YESSSS SHEP (I have since seen him post a photo of the three of them on his instagram acting like things have changed and he was wrong blah blah but for now…….. ) YES EVEN SHEP HATES HER!!!!!

When it’s time to sit down for dinner there’s literally no seat for TrAshley, which is ah-mazing, and as she seems annoyed as hell going to get one Austen to calls out to her.  For a moment you think he may offer his chair, but instead, he asks for a beer, and it is glorious.

Sweet little Austen then gets his ass handed to him when Victoria sees Chel-SEA clinging to Austen’s arm on the cold boat ride home earlier that day.  Which…… I mean…. they have a romantic history ( and by romantic history I mean clearly he’s still in love with her) so in THAT sense I get it, but I would shove my face into any man or womans arm on a cold boat ride home any day.  To call him up and go nuts over it is a bit dramatic and then he makes a comment insinuating that this is not the first time she’s called him and been jealous like this.  This relationship is doomed. (Hashtag Austen and Chelsea forever.)

I mean…. the amount of CONTENT packed into these hours of television.
It was such a great episode that I watched it TWICE.  And I’ll probably have it on before tonight’s new episode too, just for the hell of it!

editors note : A current think this week was a video posted to instagram of Thomas and Kathryn having a dance party with the kids.  I bet that TrAshley is going NUTS over it.  I can only imagine her fake smile pretending she is fine with it (and “liking” the instagram post, which of course she did, when she should have been booking that damn keratin appointment.)

editors note part II : I meannnnn that was like A NOVEL.
I’m exhausted already and we’ve only discussed one show…… damn you TrAshley! 

:: Southern Charm New Orleans :: 
It was already finale week this week, and we were once again greeted with a FULL ON shower ass shot.  Like…. why?! Why?!

Gian has a party with Jon (don’t even get me started on that egomaniac Jon) and Gian greets guests by saying “welcome to my party.”  Who says that?! No one in the history of throwing a party, except for 2-6 year olds celebrating their birthday have ever said “welcome to my party.”  Can’t stand her.

And finally, sadly, Regan and Jeff have separated.

I feel like when this is all I have to comment on,
the show shouldn’t be renewed, but ya know I’ll still watch if it is…..

:: Southern Charm Savannah :: 
It’s hard for me to focus on ANYTHING except the original SC right now, but Savannah will be BACK in July.  I will definitely enjoy it.  Few shows end with a surprise proposal when the girl vehemently says NO and then has to still attend the surprise party following the rejection, and it was a great way to end it all last season.

:: Summer House :: 
NOT returning to The Hamptons this summer (who knows when it will air) is the Wirkus Circus, Stephen, Danielle, and that guy they never showed that did nothing last season.  I can’t believe the twins won’ be coming back!!! There’s whispers of them doing their own show…… hard to know……

BUT.  As long as it is not my beloved Kyle, I really couldn’t care less about anyone else. (although….. Carl can go…..)

:: The Bachelorette :: 

Seriously all of these guys are basically losers.  I’m sure there are A FEW thrown in there that aren’t…… but I’m just saying that because I know she’s engaged to someone so hopefully she isn’t making a complete mess of her life by wasting it with one of these fools.
We have the first giant group date, where I feel like the white gown they put her in is not good?!

Becca learns that Jordan is a model and he gets RULL excited to continue to make an ass of himself on television.  He has some modeling tips for Becca: “Before you put your socks or panty hose on in the morning, put your confidence on.”  Clearly Jordan is NOT getting laid because I’m fairly confident panty hose aren’t at the top of twenty somethings shopping list.

He also wants to teach the fellow men his signature move “guys watch…… {walks three steps, makes the scrunched up Zoolander confused face} That’s ‘The Pensive'”.  I can’t.  He literally watched Zoolander for modeling lessons.

Oh look! Rachel and the guy she chose that no one cares about are there! Literally don’t even know his name and don’t care because he was such a tool. Becca….. look at this and TAKE NOTE.  Do NOT let this happen to you.

And right when I think the Bachelor rejects can’t get worse, we are hit with the first of 17 commercials featuring Bachelor rejects.  Now that Princess Jasmine Ashley I and Jared got together, apparently she gets to be in the cheesy movie commercials with all of The Bachelorettes.  Even though she did nothing but cry for the past 4 years and get rejected on our television screens.

Back at the group date, Lincoln cheats and wins the muddy obstacle course. Neat.
Later, in the evening portion of the group date, Becca changes into a red jumpsuit with a bold red lip.  Now, when you’re going to be making out with a bunch of guys, is a red lip really that smart of an idea?  Even if you only make out with one guy, a red lip is horrible idea? AND SPEAKING OF MAKING OUT.  Ew-Em-Gee.  I can’t.  WHAT is going on during her makeout with Lincoln!?! He is, like, pecking her?! And I don’t mean pecking as in little kisses.  He is attacking her like a bird with all of these jerking motions.  AND IT WON’T STOP.  MAKE IT STOP.
editors note : ok…. things like this make me mad with this show – never in A MILLION years would she keep this guy around after he kisses like that.  Ever.  EV-ER.

After Lincoln wipes 10 pounds of red lipstick off his face, he dangles the photo of him and “his wife” Becca in the guys faces all night and keeps saying nonsensical things like “kissing her was like being on the wings of a pegasus” and “she always brings out the best in me”.  The guy Connor, who has Jordan Rodgers hair which really grinds my gears, gets pissed and tosses it into the swimming pool.  Lincoln cries – as in SOBS basically – the next morning saying it meant so much to him and it broke his heart.  WE DO NOT NEED HIM.  SEND HIM HOME ALREADY.

Next up is a one on one with Blake and I can’t wait to see  what idiotic thing they are going to do if he doesn’t have a fear of heights.  They break stuff with a bat with Lil Jon.  I mean, this is up there for the dumbest date I have ever seen,  BUT this song and Lil Jon hold a special place in my heart, so I’m into it.  PLUS that does look kind of fun?! Better than being forced to jump out of a plane when they learn you have a fear of heights, or climb through mud to take a photo with Becca.
editors note : Have you ever seen the fuckjerry instagram clip from like 4 years ago with the song Turn Down For What?

But, Blake is cute.  I like him.  Seems sweet and nice and normal.
But seriously….. can you IMAGINE being on this show and having to talk like this on a date and then in the confessional? SO EMBARRASSING.  No guy talks that way.  Especially about a girl he has known for 3 hours Mortifying.

Another commercial break and I am PULLING MY HAIR OUT.  I mean,  I’ve been wanting to see this Oceans 8 movie UNTIL seeing all of these DAMN Bachelorette-does-Oceans 8 commercials. GET OFF MY SCREEN ASHLEY I.

editors note : A commercial I CAN get behind, these commercials for the show The Last Defense! It’s like a murder podcast slash netflix murder special.  That looks GOOOOOOOOOOOD.  Setting DVR now.

Group Date # 2 : Dodgeball.  Ugh. And the guy with the hair down to his boobs crushes it.  Duh. Isn’t that what’s most important in a mate? A man that crushes it at dodgeball with more hair than you?

We get to the nighttime date and I CANNOT EVEN with this dress on Becca. Who is dressing her!?!?!  You put her in like a super mature white gown for the daytime mud date and now she looks like she is dressed in costume for a Jon Bon Jovi concert or something?!?! This bedazzled dress and TWO CHOKERS? TWO!? No.

Oooo this Alex guy might be cute!? Who are you!?  I’ve never seen ya before?

Okay wait….. the guy Colton that dated the gymnast, Aly Raisman, apparently used to date TIA too!? WHAT!?  I am seeing some serious red flags, which is disappointing because he is pretty much the best option there.

The night of the rose ceremony, Jordan comes out in underwear.  This guy is just realllllllly making sure he becomes Bachelor in Paradise famous and is so ready to be the new Chad.  Jordan and David start arguing about who is more intelligent (which is really just an argument of who is less intelligent) and I believe the word they are looking for is disingenuous but ya know….. hard to tell….. ingenuniinity and ingenuinuiunuity sound like words too, so it’s tough call.

Of course the hot guy I just saw got sent home.  SERIOUSLY.  you’re sending all the hot ones home! and then he starts crying….. youch.

:: The Proposal :: 
This new show from Bachelor producers looks so horrible …..but GUESS WHAT I’ll be watching at least once 

:: Kenya NOW pregnant official??? :: 
It seems that maybe NOW it’s agreed that Kenya Moore is pregnant after these photos came out of her at a womens conference.

:: Jackhole of the Week :: 
Sorry loves, I haven’t seen RHONY yet because one of my besties was in town for business and I was lucky enough to get a mid week sleepover! AH! I know it’s LuAnn arrest week so this is NOT good timing on my part, but Pinot Grigio and late night friendship talks SOMETIMES take precent over me yelling at the television in the living room.

BUT one little RHONY tid bit that I heard on the Juicy Scoop Podcast this week.  Dorinda was a guest and she definitely has no love for Bethenny.  I had already seen her vacationing with Carole and Tinz in Dubai, but she definitely is over her.  She even went so far to say, when talking about the cast as a whole and that Bethenny gets shed in more favorable light, all the other women had marriages and kids and death and loss (not true, looking at Carole and Tinz on that one, but whatever) and that “our lives didn’t start on reality TV, we had lives before that.” Oooo. Shade.

:: Mazel of the Week ::

To, of course my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen!!! For his 50th birthday celebration and a great episode of WWHL.  Mazel to the King of all things bravo, without whom I would truly have no life and surely be the most depressed person living the most boring life.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews