DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Southern Charm Reunion Part I ::
Okay, first things first.  My boyfriend-Andy-Cohen walks into the building singing “bop de dee”.  Ummmm it must have been a rough day because we ALL KNOW it is BOP BA DOO.  That is shameful!!!
but I digress…..

I love seeing everyone get ready before walking out.  Kathryn takes a wee bit longer than everyone because her new boob job isn’t quite fitting into this seasons modern rendition of her blush Gone with The Wind.  I can’t with her and these outfits.  Although…. it IS better than the one from last year, and it’s 10x better than anything Carole has worn all season on RHONY.

Naomi already needs a cocktail and nothing has even happened yet.  Can’t blame her.
Cameron’s right hand ring is giving me ALL of the feels and I swear she wore this last year so it must be her own ring not borrowed.  I need it.  I. Must. Have. It.
…. but I digress…..

Ashley does not join them part I, but that doesn’t stop Craig from asking “Andy can she hear us? Is she listening?”.  I’d be afraid of that lunatic, too, Craig!
Also absent from the group is TRav, who has been advised not to appear to do his impending rape and sexual assualt case.  Only on Southern Charm, people!

The majority of Part I is Craig getting extremely defensive of anything and everything, starting with the girls having “Girl Power” this season.  Craig says that Naomi can’t name ONE LIE that he has ever said.  NOT ONE!  As his childish tantrum continues, she is naming several off of the top of her house, but he keeps talking over her “can’t name one thing!!!!”  Ummmm we have watched you lie on the show for several seasons and this season you hired a life coach to discuss how amazing you are at lying to people?  But you’re right.  Naomi and her new nose have NO idea what they’re missing and are full of lies!

Craig says that Naomi never loved her.  She wouldn’t have left him if she loved him.  Ummmm not how adult relationships work Craig? But Craig’s basis for staying together when dating seems to be black and white.  He says that if Naomi was a HEROIN ADDICT he would have stayed together with her.  Oh Craig…..

He says he never once condescended her, and when everyone points out that he said “you may speak now child” he says he never said that.  So…. roll the tape…. another lie.   Craig continues to spiral, trying to pretend that his complete and utter laziness is warranted and that deadlines are completely arbitrary.  2 months to make a pillow is NOT COOL.  Naomi points out that along with the rest of the sane world, the IRS doesn’t think deadlines are arbitrary. Mic. Drop.
It truly concerns me that he believes all of the crap that comes out of his mouth.
He’s going to spend his time volunteering his services pro bono and so that’ll leave him plenty of time to sew.
Craig ripped up a pillow and threw a shred of fabric into his suit pocket, calling it a pocket square.  Craig sews 4 square pieces together and calls it a pillow.  This does not a seamstress make Craig.
His next tantrum is initiated by the OTHER person he is till madly in love with, Gizmo.

Craig is pissed that Naomi’s “new boy was with his cat.”  The horror.  He sees straight though Naomi’s ploys to appear happy; he knows she is miserable and it’s all a facade.
Then something very surprising happens and he says he has proof she in miserable, because Kathryn told him that Naomi confessed to not having feelings for her boyfriend anymore.

Oooo girl.  Not good.  You JUST got into this friend group for the first time in 5 years.  What on EARTH are you thinking?
We’ve all seen Craig act completely childish and entitled for many seasons, but this really took the cake.  He is delusional.

Cameron, who was absent pretty much all season (and I love her, but sorry, didn’t miss her) cries about Kathryn and apologizes for any harm she has caused previously.  They have a “we’re all proud of Kathryn” teary moment.  Which leads us to TrAshley.  Cameron thinks TrAsh is a horrible, horrible person….. who is about to make her debut on the couch……..

SO.  TrAshley joins us tonight for Part II.  She made sure to have her hair styled so that she can’t flip it off her shoulders in her signature villain move. But something tells me that won’t stop her……
OH.  And Kathryn got a new iPhone.  Hallelujah.

:: Carole’s Last Summer :: 
Oh. Em. Gee. After all of the jokes about Carole’s last summer, it turns out they all were true.  It has been confirmed that Carole won’t be returning to RHONY.
“To focus on other projects.”

Like taking 2 months to write a one page article for Cosmo? Sounds great. You and Craig should bring Gizmo and Baby together to play and discuss how busy and important you are.
Girl bye!

:: RHONY : :
I was late last week, so we’ll do a quick recap of last week first!
Tinz is hosting the ladies in Cartagena for their vacation.  Well, Scott is hosting them I guess?
And apparently Scott pays for Tinz’s travel Glam Squad too? WHAT?!

Ramona’s ready to rock in her wheelchair for the week.  Watching Bethenny, LuAnn, and Sonja saying “Look at her! Such an ass!” from their car as Ramona acts helpless trying to leave the airport was a highlight.

They arrive at the house and Tinz attempts to keep picking rooms (aka Ramona) at bay by giving a Tiffany’s charm.  No matter the room, though, it doesn’t stop Bethenny from noticing filthy floors that are making their feet black.  (Or, as Bethenny said, first Lu was doing Black Face and now she’s doing Black Feet, what’s next?) Ew.  I kinda have to agree on that part…. but the rest seems great.
pee. ess. here is the link for Casa Mattos where they are staying. because I’m a creep. 
Well, unless your Bethenny, who kicks off this vacation with an allergic reaction to the fish soup by puking everywhere.  But it doesn’t seem like the “thorn” of the vacation is going to be ending there.

Even with Ramona causing a complete scene in this wheelchair on the cobblestone streets of Cartagena, and LuAnn dressed as Sofia Vergara in a wig, I can’t take my eyes away from WHO ELSE? Carole. I meannnnn.  I can’t.  She has the worst taste on the face of the earth, and not only that, she looks like an idiot.  And not only that, she looks like an old idiot who is trying to dress far younger than she should.  And not only that, seriously WTF is that bodysuit/dress/awful one costume earring combo because I REALLY CANNOT.

The drama really starts to unfold at dinner the first night.  Especially when the douche in the scarf from speed dating gets brought up in conversation.  And editors note about the eligible bachelors at the speed dating, the most exciting thing I learned was that the man LuAnn talked to at speed dating was the owner of Artichoke Pizza.  Because I think I finally see how girls can be gold diggers for unattractive older men.  Artichoke pizza is the greatest pizza I have ever had in my entire life.  So my gold digging would not be for the $$, but for never ending supply of that pizza.  I feel like I could sacrifice my eyeballs and morals to be able to eat that every day…..
but I digress….
Back to the douche in the red scarf, who I guess we will call “Brian”.

Turns out there is quite the love triangle – rectangle? – between him and Bethenny-Carole-Ramona.  Bethenny reveals he won’t stop texting and pursuing her, but during that time he was not only with Ramona but also went to dinner with Carole.   Carole claims is he into HER and pursuing HER.  She keeps going on and on and on all while Bethenny tries to hold her tongue, because we already heard ALL of his texts to her on the way from the airport.
It’s just laughable how ridiculous Carole is about him liking her.  The same way she was about Adam sending her the flowers.  She has to rub it around in everyone’s face and make a big to-do about it. 

I guess she’s just trying to enjoy her last summer of dating while she can. Hashtag CarolesLastSummer.

Bethenny and Carole begin to go back and forth and back and forth.  While I think all of it is stupid HES A DOUCHE, I am Team Bethenny on all of this.  Sonja is the voice of reason: he is clearly a player.  Sounds like another Tom ready to swoop in an date any Housewife that’ll take him.  LuAnn likely misses the Tom 2.0 comment because she is busy smoking her e-cig at the end of the table in her Sofia Vergara wig.

Bethenny complains to Dorinda about the house-  pointing out that surely with all the cocaine money in the country there has got to be a better house than that. Dorinda immediately goes and tells Tinz what she said, but Dorinda defends herself by saying it’s clear to everyone she isn’t happy.  For once I will agree with with Golden Girls 72 year old Carole that because Bethenny isn’t in control she is not happy, and that if you’re going to complain and be pouty – stay home – otherwise come out and be fun.  But that is the LAST of my agreeing with that one.

In the morning the crying continues.  She apologizes to Tinz and then begins sprialing into a full blown panic attack.  Ay ay ay.
:: THIS WEEKS EPISODE ::
Dorinda consoles Bethenny and they head out shopping.  Carole picks a long sleeve fishnet crop top that luckily Dorinda gets her to put back on the rack.  Then Carole starts talking sheyite about Bethenny right in front of her, with the camera panning from one to the other.
Bethenny decides to leave and calls Dennis and then decides to stay and it’s like – MY GAWD girl.  Lock. It. Up.  Stay and drop it and be happy or LEAVE.

Sonja is getting ready for the night out and My. God.  does she look AMAZING.  She is going to be 55 this year.  Her bod is INSANE.
Carole seeks out Sonja to talk crap and seek affirmation about how she is right and Bethenny is crazy.  Carole is “busier now…. focusing on (long, awkward pause……) other things……like…… family”  I CANNOT WITH HER.
Back to Sonja, ordering mocktinis……. with a little tequila.  Bless her.

Carole takes a smoke break – again, since when does Carole smoke?! – to go take a sheyite-talking-break with Dorinda and a pump up sesh before confronting her.
What we think is going be Carole v. Bethenny soon turns into WHERE DO I LOOK because Dorinda goes for the jugular with LuAnn.  Drunk Dorinda is, surprise surprise, out to play.  LuAnn asks hows your margarita and within 3 seconds Dorinda is throwing Lu’s arrest and rehab in her face.  Dorinda needs some H E L P.

Meanwhile, Tinz and Sonja are laughing uncontrollably and having a gay old time and Ramona is staying out of it.   I meannnn Ramona is so calm and so voice of reason throughout this that it’s shocking.  She just sits there when Dorinda starts throwing her gangster hand symbols at her and yelling at her without doing a thing.  Slow clap for you Ramona.

Tinz, Dorinda, and Carole decided to just completely trash Lu on the car ride home, with Dorinda commenting “she’ll be drinking in 3 months.  she told me that.”  THESE WOMEN. Honestly.

Dorinda is rehashing everything – wasted and with smeared red lipstick all over her face – with Carole.  Carole says nothing is wrong – exhibit 738 why I can’t stand Carole.  First of all, Lu did not attack her over her drinking? At all? This is NOT how it went down? What is up with “I don’t care if you were a heroin addict” being the new line for standards? First Southern Charm and now this?!

We haven’t even gotten to the Boat Party from Hell yet!!!
RHONY is the gift that keeps on giving…..

:: Bachelorette :: 

It’s fantasy suite week in Thailand.  The first episode where she wears a dress appropriate for the location, weather, date all season long.  but then of course…. that maxi was the only one of the entire episode that has my approval.

Blake : I’m just gonna to say it: Blake really dopes it for me.  I like him the most out of anyone that’s been on this ridiculous time-sucking franchise in a long time. Although I don’t know why he didn’t shave his upper lip, because you can see all these blonde hairs glistening as they’re talking.

BUT.  If she doesn’t pick Blake, which I will be shocked.

Jason : Poor Jason.  We all saw this coming a mile away, ESPECIALLY because she didn’t do the toddler jump into his arms and wrap her legs around him, but I don’t think he did at all.

When he shows back up the next day after getting dumped I’m like NO JASON NO, but I’m assuming they are just trying to set him up to possibly be the next Bachelor.  He gives her a huge photo album to go through and it’s like… umm… she doesn’t care? She dumped you? I was very startled by his walk when he left the hotel room, though.  (am I the only lunatic that notices these things?) It was almost as bad as Luke from JoJo’s season.
Speaking of mannerisms that drive me nuts……

Garrett : I meannnnnnn Dubya. Tee. Eff. is this collared lace satin mess?!
It’s better than 99% of what the wore every other week – which was bedazzled within an inch of her life – but still!!

I say it poorly every week, but there’s something with Garrett’s arms flailing about as if independent from his body when he runs up to embrace Becca for her toddler jump into his arms that alarms me week after week.  Their date was amazing though – paddling down the river and seeing a bunch of elephants, and then they stay in the most insane “treehouse” for their fantasy suite.  But it’s all open walls.  Perhaps I have watched too much UnReal, but I would NOT trust that producers aren’t hiding in the bushes with cameras on you.
ALSO.  After the rose ceremony, when the three of them are awkwardly standing there and Blake looks like he wants to die, Garrett’s like “thanks so much for giving me that one-on-one time this week.”  WHAT?!

Something I’ve really noticed the last two weeks is that Becca seems to have picked up on kissing tips from Arie with the face grab?!

I’m sure Garrett is sweet, but I am team Blake.  There’s just something about Garrett that makes me crazy. He’s like…. too slow of a talker? Smiling like a schoolboy too much??  I can’t put my finger on it… but it’s basically ALL of his mannerisms that I cannot do.

I feel so bad for these boys that they are so head over heels for her and one is getting dumped ASAP.

I’m gonna say it… Blake really does it for me.

Next week : men tell all.  Then : Finale (it better be Blake!)
THEN BACHELOR IN PARADISE!

:: RHOC :: 

HOW did I miss the taglines last week in the season premiere!?
Kelly Dodd’s is Ah-mazing.

Shannon’s working through her baggage – literally with her 66 pound suitcase and figuratively by going on her first family vacation as a single parent while David vacations with his girlfriend.

New housewife Emily shares a bit more about her husband that I thought seemed like a strange man when we first saw him last week drinking orange juice at dinner.  Turns out he doesn’t drink because he is a Mormon, but she is not.

She says he is an excellent husband because he puts family first, there’s no drinking, and he can’t gamble.  She also says he is great in the sack because he can’t watch porn.  I mean…. not to delve too far into this, but I would think the opposite would be true……
I didn’t realize that when he asked her to marry him via gchat they weren’t even dating.  What!!??? Why does this keep getting breezed over as though it is nothing?? I can’t get over this…. I need a serious Q and A.

THEN she shares that due to complications and miscarriages, she was unable to have children, and her sister gave birth to all 3 of her kids.

We meet the other new girl, Gina, who is from Long Island incase you cannot tell the moment she opens her mouth.

Gina goes to Cut Fitness (WHERE ELSE?!) for her introduction to the group.  She shares with the ladies that her husband is out of town all week long, and it’s immediately a topic of judgement conversation for the ladies, who agree they would never allow it.
editors note and SPOILER ALERT: they filed for divorce like two weeks ago

Vicki “ambushes” Eddie and Tamra at lunch to apologize for all of the gay “rumors she spread”.  The air quotes are what SHE uses, despite the fact that it is fact and no air quote required.  She does that fake cry and fast talking/high pitched mumble she does every time she “apologizes”.  Note to Vicki: you “apologizing” in air quotes is the CORRECT way to use an air quote.

On Vicki’s way home from apologizing for her behavior as a friend, she stops off at another friend, Kelly’s, new place to continue showing what a wonderful person she is to have in everyones life.
Kelly learned that day that Vicki set up her ex, Michael, up with one of her friends and never told her.  Vicki insists that they met at a she hosted BBQ and that was it.  That quickly turns to Vicki and Steve went on a double date with them.  Twice. 
Kelly is pissed – and YEAH I would be too.  Not that he is dating but that Vicki never told her and acts like she was completely correct to never mention it.  Uhmm not how that works Vick.
Again….. LuAnn please?!

Vicki storms off – getting so pissed that she even went to the YOU BROUGHT A FAMILY VAN screaming voice – while Kelly cries.

I mean…. Kelly was CRYING over this?! And Vicki DGAF!

Next week is a d tornado of the three blondes – Vicki, Tamra, and Shannon – down in Mexico and Oh-em-Gee does it look like they get absolutely obliterated.

:: Jackhole of The Week :: 
I know I don’t talk about Below Deck, but I always watch.
And Hannah is just THE WORST.
I cannot with her.  I don’t even understand how she keeps being able to come back each season?  There is nothing entertaining about her and she absolutely sucks at her job.

Crying in the bathroom about the 23 year old deck hand and saying to your boss “I’m falling in love with him, and I push men away when I fall in love” and then getting a whole day off?! I CAN’T WITH YOU.

:: Mazel of the Week ::
My-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen!!
For getting to perform as Britney’s Bitch in her show Tuesday night!

Cracked me up that she was like “I think we all know who this is!! Let’s give it up for him!!”

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews