DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

I wrote this last night on the airplane, so as usual, it will likely make no sense 🙂 Shocker.
and no…. I won’t be re-reading it…….. 

:: RHONY ::

Can we have a serious slow clap for Part I of this reunion?! I meannnnn I have no words.  They normally drag these things out to three parts and we are kept waiting until the end of Part II at minimum for ANYTHING, but no.  Not New York.  These are All Stars.  OC : take note.  Because from the moment the show started, I could barely keep up!
Do yourself a favor and go back and watch the .5 seconds where Carole is shown in full makeup WITHOUT killer lighting backstage….. because DAYUM.  This was not Carole’s Last Summer….. Carole’s Last Summer has come and passed.  Holy WOW do I want a professional lighting crew following me around for the rest of my days.
But I digress……

This is BY FAR the best comprehensive reunion fashion we have ever witnessed.  Well done ladies!  Did they tell them to dress in these neutrals for a cohesive look!? I’m dying to know.  They look great.
We begin with introductions and the only words that Tinz shares the entire hour, regarding her haircut.  “I thought it would make me look old and fat, but I look young and thin.”
Sadly Lu is missing and her absence is definitely felt.  Especially with it being Bethenny (and Sonja-ish) against the rest of them.

Andy brings up Bethenny and Jill making amends after Bobby’s passing and Dorinda starts her “On Camera” rants that continue the entire episode.  Everyone is accusing Bethenny of being opportunistic and doing things strictly for the cameras, and then Andy shuts them down saying Jill called Bravo herself to invite them and that Andy wanted it to be filmed.
The piling on continues with everything from Bethenny’s work in Puerto Rico to the damn life-size Nutcracker for Brynn.  It’s impossible to follow the situation, and Carole continues to shout her opinions about arguments that don’t involve her whatsoever until Andy has to shout “shut the f*** up! I want to hear her f****ing answer!”  I mean SERIOUSLY.  I don’t think he has EVER had to do that before!!
(again…. slow clap…..new york is life……. )

Then  Ramona, who has been chomping at the bit since the moment she switched couches to her good-side, is ready for her change to chime in regarding the lack of support for her skincare line.  Ramona says that Bethenny doesn’t support women and is full of lies.  I loved when Bethenny tried to say something about fake business which is EXACTLY (run the tapes) word for word what she had done to Sonja with her Tipsy Girl.  It was so well played.  Anyways, Ramona gets into her ramotional rollercoaster and her “wow Bethenny wow wow!” and spirals into “Don’t tell me I’m fake! Look at you and your fake tits!”  It’s just so great.  Ramona got her fake tits were purchased at age 50 BTW, so obviously it makes sense to yell about Bethenny’s.  Duh.

This is when Carole decides to keep chiming in, because the debate between Ramona and Bethenny so clearly involves her.  I love Bethenny coolly turning to her and saying “Can you just let me talk to her!? We’ll call you when we need you…..”
Carole looks right at my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen and says “bitch!”, and Andy just ignore her.  I am overjoyed.  BYE CAROLE! Hope you enjoyed your last summer!

Finally, we are brought to Dorinda and the subject of drinking.  And her fights/issues with LuAnn.

The one thing I will say for Dorinda is that yes, I do think that LuAnn was wrong to go to rehab and immediately be saying things about Dorinda and acting like she has the right to throw stones.  But that’s about it.
Dorinda does herself no favors by acting like she has never done anything wrong with her drinking and that everyone else is the problem.
How can she not say something as simple as “I’m not a good drinker.  I get mean when I’m drunk.  Sometimes I drink too much and say or do the wrong thing and regret it.”  How can she say NONE of that!?
Finally Dorinda says that yes she was a bit depressed last fall and that her drinking ramped up a bit.  Finally.  And fair enough.  But how does she sit there and act not only like her behavior when drinking is the same as the rest of the group but then to point fingers at Bethenny and call HER a drunk.
I can’t. 
It’s like a preview of what’s to come with Bethenny in court with Jason after Dennis died. 
We end with accusations of MORNING drinking…… rah roh……..

Nothing brings me more joy that Carole realizing throughout the course of this hour that not only is everyone, in every single poll on my-boyfriend-andy-cohen’s WWHL on Bethenny’s side, but that ANDY HIMSELF does not a give a damn and is all Queen B.  Each time she looked at him for back-up or defense and he was just grinning at Bethenny made my heart pitter patter.

Just to clarify – I am clearly team Bethenny in the debate of Carole v. Bethenny.  And I cannot stand Carole.  HOWEVER.  I still think Bethenny is a lunatic and can be a complete and utter B.  The biggest B.  Just say THANK YOU to Dorinda! You never would have gotten the damn Nutcracker without her!   Just RSVP to Ramona! And congratulate her! WHO CARES!  She’s such a mess.  A hilarious, quick witted, sarcastic mess. But she’s a mess. Just wanted to clarify for all of you Carole lovers who are clearly on the wrong side of things, even my boyfriend-Andy-Cohen would agree. 

:: Southern Charm : Some Tea :: 
Some T-Rav and TrAshley updates! Although the two broke up, and wiped their instagram accounts clean of each other, and then Ashley posted a long and very strange tearful breakup instagram story……. they were just seen out together on Sunday, the day AFTER she was out with a mystery man and YELLING at Naomi!
Read all the dirt here! 

:: TrAShley Apologizes ::
TrAshley issued a public apology to Kathryn on her instagram for all of the things that she has said about her the past year.  Yeah….. right…….

:: Bach In Paradise ::
I’m trying hard not to complain….. but I mean….. clearly that’s all I do on Coffee Talk so I guess the jig is up and who cares?!
Does this season suck!? Because I feel like it sucks.  Or are my standards just too high?! And my high, I mean are my standards just too LOW?!

For some reason every is obsessed with Kenny.  Since when did a not-professional-wrestler with a teenage daughter become everything that these 23 year olds can’t wait to get their hands on? What?

I’ll try to keep these FOUR HOURS of television as brief as possible.
The Tia and Colton show continues with a visit from Raven and a comment of her first Big-O in paradise the summer before.  I mean.  I can’t.  Get these Weiner Arkansas accents off my screen.
Colton asks Tia to be his girlfriend.  The end.

The creep, and I know I use the word creep liberally, but this time it’s FOR REAL, THE CREEP LEO with the long locks arrives in Paradise. There’s been reports ALL over the place of him getting fired from his stunt job for sexual assault allegations, so pretty much all of his conversations – which we bad already – are even worse.

Kendall, who has been with Grocery Store Silent Joe the whole time, jumps right for Leo and “feels really safe with him.”  He’s disgusting.  All of these disgusting people deserve each other.
While Kendall is dumping Joe for the Letch Leo, he is already making out with another blonde.

Arie and his silent, zero personality but very pretty fiancé Lauren make a cameo, along with Ben Higgins (who cares) and Amanda Stanton.  Did you think Amanda Stanton would turn down a chance to leave her little girls at home and fly to Mexico for the 14th time!?! HELL TO THE NO.

Benoit arrives, the unattractive French guy that got engaged to Claire from the uber-crappy Winter Games, and steals Jenna from Jordan.  She smears her red lipstick all over Benoit’s face while Jordan freaks out back at the crab-infested “resort”.

Until next week’s 4 hours of mind numbing nonsense……

:: OC ::
We catch a break from all of the Cut Fitness apparel to instead be bombarded by tons of COTO Insurance crap.  Vicki is doing a radio ad, and per usual, Steve Lodge just follows her around like a puppy on a leash.

WHY does she always pick men that just follow her EVERYWHERE.

There are so many things Vicki does that repulse me week after week, and her commentary about blowjobs in front of her son is one of the least offensive.

The majority of the episode is about an interaction with Shane, Emily’s *NARK* husband, that THE CAMERAS DIDN’T EVEN RECORD. Shame on you, Bravo!  We’ve been at this game TOO LONG for amateur mistakes like that! Shane yelled at Gina as she was leaving the poker party and apparently went off on her a bit. And a bit, I mean a lot.

I like Gina – she’s as laid back as it gets.  She just wants some shots and some kid-free time and to enjoy a night out.  And she isn’t interested in being angry over a midge of a man screaming at a woman he hasn’t been or rehashing it over and over again, but everyone else of course is.  They are all chomping at the bit to use the incident as an excuse to judge not only Shane but he and Emily’s marriage.  have these ladies never heard the phrase “people that live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones”?  I’ll admit that I think Shane is a huge pain in the ass and a lot of things don’t make sense or are very strange with their marriage, they shouldn’t be sitting there spewing their judgements constantly (Me on the other hand? This is is coffee talk so im allowed to say what I want,).  Comparing Shane to the likes of Simon Barney and David Beador is some SURIOUS fighting words.

The other half of the episode of about Shannon and David’s legal battles.  And yikes.  He sounds like an absolute lunatic.  I had heard a lot of the horrible text exchanges from Jeff Lewis Live on Radio (my boyfriend) Andy, and it seems like his behavior has not changed one bit.
I don’t know why Shannon bothered going back into court to have the monthly allowance lowered from $30,000 to $22,500.  He’s a cheating, lying ass that berates the mother of his children incessantly?  Why are you suddenly throwing him a bone when he’s never thrown you one?!

Pee. Ess.  Should I order some Real for Real cuisine?! I’m always down to try a new veggie burger….. just sayin’.  I still need to get my duster from Lisa Rinna too…… so much QVC shopping to do…….

:: The Hills :: 
The Hills are returning…… what do we think about this?!
I mean….. There’s no LC.  There’s no Kristin.  Not even a Brody in sight.  But really…. with no LC, do I care?! Is Whitney Port part of this? Because that could be a redeeming quality.

But like….. Justin Bobby? No.  Jason Wahler? Hell to the no.
WHO is the girl in the red dress?! Not Stephanie Pratt, the other girl?!

:: Madonna ::
I will never understand peoples fascination with Madonna.  I meannn….. she’s crazy.
And it was on full display at the MTV Awards, unsurprisingly.

:: Mazel of the Week :: 
To my beloved J.Lo.
One of these days I will be back in Vegas and I will see you LIVE!
But until then……

:: Jackhole of the Week ::
Kelsey Grammar.
I heard on Reality Checked with Amy Phillips (on Sirius, my new addiction)
that he had his wife Kate’s name tattoo’d above his Thingy to “keep him from straying”.
He said that if he ever were cheating someone would see that “it” belonged to his wife Kate.
This is disgusting.  And as if that were ever capable of keeping of men from cheating.
Don’t get me started on my “if they’ll cheat with you they’ll cheat on you” rant…. good luck Kate!
See him talking about it on Conan here. 

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews