DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: BACHELOR IN PARADISE :: 

It’s time for me to write an angry, angry letter to ABC.  There is a full cast of degenerates here, who have got to be saying some of the dumbest things, and we see NONE of it because we have two hours of The Tia and Colton show (with about 15 minutes or so of Kenny wrestling.  No thanks).

As a brief recap, Colton dated Tia before dating Becca on The Bachelorette, and then he got dumped and now he is in Paradise.  He went on his first date with Tia but he’s saying he doesn’t know what he wants and he’s open to dating anyone.

Now…. while the emotional back and forth with Tia would normally be inappropriate, I think it’s fine? He is in Paradise!? The point of all of this is to do whatever you want?! I highly doubt the only virgin in Paradise is going to be sleeping around with multiple people? So what’s the big deal?
Douche Bag Chris, Fake Model Jordan, and the Shirtless Drunk Lawyer seem to think it’s a huge deal, as does everyone else that is there.

Again…… PLEASE ABC.  Can we focus on someone OTHER than Tia and Colton?  I’ll seriously enjoy watching Grocery Joe not speak a single word more than this.
Colton is the hottest man there by far, but I’m over this made up drama.

I can’t get over Tia continually saying that she can’t believe her kissing Chris doesn’t make Colton feel “some kinda way.”  The way that Weiner, Arkansas accent repeatedly says “some kinda way” is killing me.  And trust me Tia, you kissing Chris definitely makes ME feel some kinda way and it’s nauseous as hell.

We finally realize one of the main reasons the producers are causing such a scene between Tia and Colton is because they are bringing Becca in.

Why? What is the point of this? We JUST spent COUNTLESS hours watching her and her Prince Douchebag fall in love on their “journey”, so can’t America catch a break?

Colton breaks into serious Garrett style tears when he learns that Becca has arrived in Mexico. Uh Colton.  No.

I’m torn…. I feel bad for Colton because he hasn’t done anything wrong and the producers are just throwing him to the wolves…. but I’m also like… welllll…. The Tia to Becca to Tia thing and just going on The Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise alone means you’re kind of fair game for public scrutiny…. plus the dating of Aly Raisman before all of it…. is he just an attention whore?!?

What else went on with the other losers…….

Kenny and Krazy Krystal go on a wrestling date where he acts out a previously planned routine . He’s POURING sweat when he kisses her and I want to puke

Annalease just keeps making a huge ass of herself saying she “has so much respect for Jordan….he’s a great guy…. he’s going to be such an amazing husband….”  He of course goes for the other crazy blonde girl the second she arrives and leaves poor Annalease in the dust.

Jordan looks even worse than he did on Becca’s season; he’s like a little boy in these tank tops.  The word “model” is the last thing I think of looking at this dweeb.  Even that creepy pedophile grin looking Chris looks like more of a model.

After FOUR HOURS this week….. I figured out why this season ABSOLUTELY BLOWS.
Well….several reasons – and focusing all on Tia and Colton is one of them.

But  NO ONE IS DRUNK.
They are all DEAD SOBER and that is why nothing is happening.
Also, they are skipping ENTIRE DAYs and not showing us a damn thing? HOW BORING ARE THESE PEOPLE?!

:: Southern Charm :: 
Apparently Thomas and TrAshley are done (again?!) and he issued a statement that he won’t be returning to the show due to production editing his words and scenes.  Yeahhhhh.  They really edited you and changed your words up…. right right…….

:: RHONY :: 

It is Countess and Friends Cabaret, and no one is more excited than The Countess herself.  LuAnn always thinks and speaks VERY highly of herself, but I am still blown away by the amount of egotistical mayhem coming through the television screen.  I mean, forget Countess, she thinks her official title is God this entire episode.  And everyone else is a minion.

Everyone is RULL excited to pull out their disco glitter for cabaret.  Well, all the elder ladies.  Tinz is just excited to whip out a pair of….. wait for it…… PANTS.

Dorinda learns that on top of John not being invited to sit at the table, SCOTT was invited that same day to attend the cabaret.  Obviously it takes 10 seconds for Dorinda to begin spiraling.
this was the funniest thing I saw on instagram all week long…….

Watching Drunk Dorinda with this smeared lipstick and slurred words is like looking at the joker. (for her, she’s keeping it fairly locked up, but the slurred speech is still happening!)  You’d think she would have learned in Cartagena to not drink + drive wear red lipstick.  She can’t do both.
Jovani was clearly the drinking word of the evening, but Dorinda must have screamed it about 37 times.

On to the after party……

Ramona tries to cause a big “wow! wow! wow!” scene with Bethenny over her not supporting her “anti-skincare line” but Bethenny shuts it down and immediately we move on.  Thank Gawd.

LuAnn finally arrives at her after party, expecting a greeting from everyone as though she is the Queen of England.  Bethenny lets her know that Dorinda is upset about John not being included and LuAnn comes up with some nonsensical response that I rewound 3 times and still don’t understand and yet Bethenny is like OF COURSE that’s EXACTLY what I thought OF COURSE OF COURSE. What?!? What is going on?!

Dorinda tries to congratulate LuAnn on her night and says she doesn’t want to bring anything up or talk about it, but she can’t help it and does the opposite before storming off for another drink at the bar.
Unfortunately, we won’t get to see anything rehashed between these two at the reunion due to LuAnn being back in rehab when filming happened.
I meannnn this was nothing – just a silly fight – but the stuff if Cartagena was SERIOUS and Dorinda was a RULL beyotch this season.
And seriously….. friends don’t let Dorinda wear red lipstick…. for the love of Gawd……

:: DENNIS :: 

News of Dennis’ passing was so sad and so shocking.  There are so many questions! I can’t imagine Bethenny knowingly being with a drug addict – she always has seemed to have no patience for drugs (i.e. the season premiere last year I think it was when she’s talking about John and his love of the white powder.)

Another extremely upsetting thing that is going on regarding Dennis’ passing is that Jason Hoppy wasted no time using it again Bethenny in court.   Jason is trying to have Bethenny drug tested now and claiming her to be an unfit parent and that she may have substance abuse problems of her own.  Part of the article/court meeting below :

Then he cited the May 30 Real Housewives of New York episode as evidence to slam Bethenny’s parenting… again.

Jason’s lawyer said, “She was running around without clothes on and then she passed out and it was said she passed out from mixing Ambien with alcohol. Our concerns are whether Ms. Frankel may have some type of substance abuse problems so we would ask the court to order drug testing of Ms. Frankel to find out whether that’s an issue.”

The episode aired in May and he is just now bringing it up.
I meannnnnn.  I feel awful for her going through all of this within a week of Dennis’ death and funeral.

:: RHOC :: 

New girl Emily has a poker party. Yes…. the person married to a Mormon has a gambling party? Exhibit 9726 with this new pair that makes no sense.
Shannon arrives in theme and I CANNOT with this suit.

While I appreciate a St Paddy’s day look… or a Mexican Sombrero….. this is just….. NO.

Emily’s mother in law is the 7th Housewife.  And while not botched quite the way Mama Elsa is, there is something wrong.

But seriously, she is EVERYWHERE.   She practically climbs into Kelly Dodd’s ample breasts to be a part of every scene and she is weirding me out.

At the end of the night, everyone had left except for Gina, and according to Emily’s husband Shane Gina was loud and obnoxious upon leaving.

Well I think SHANE is obnoxious.  He’s annoying, childish, and boring. He’s barely had any screen time and I am already OVER his resting bitch face.  BYE.
OH.  And on that note, another real house husband I’m done with: Eddie. We’re 3 episodes in an I am ready to LOSE MY DAMN MIND over the Cut Fitness apparel.

:: RHOD :: 

Brandi has adopted a baby boy.

The text exchange between her and Stephanie where Brandi asks “a god? or a human?” is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen that leads to having a child.  Only these two.

LeeAnne is pretending that she is calm and centered.  As if that could ever be humanly possible.

LeeAnne’s confessional looks are some serious LEWKS.
Oh, and Rich has an eye patch which I’m like HUH? What?

Kameron is still trying to get the pink Sparkle Dog up and running, and her husband is less supportive than ever.

Although I can’t blame him over not supporting PINK DOG FOOD, the way he shames her in front of their two kids that mom needs to be at home is a bit difficult to watch.

Cary is still with her Round Up regular awful husband, but luckily we don’t have to see much of Mark this week other than him buying a flashy new car or something.

D’Andra is celebrating her 4th wedding anniversary with Jeremy and I’m confused by who all of these family members are of his.  There’s a son there but not the one from last season – he looks just like him and his name sounds just like the other one, but I am certain this is a different child.

There is zero acknowledgement of the older son though?  Her mom Dee is not pleased with her and comes to the party guns blazing, with either a man-friend as a date or a man pretending to be her date because he is definitely not interested in lady bits.

Stephanie as presumably moved into that hideous mansion that overlooks office buildings, but we don’t get to see any of her home life.

She is with LeeAnne at the anniversary party the two of them are getting along swimmingly without Brandi to keep them apart.  Something tells me Brandi will not be happy about that…..

:: Shah’s of Sunset :: 

The two new brother-sister characters, Mona and Nima, are CREEPING. ME. OUT.
Their brother sister relationships is NOT. OKAY.

The way Destiny stared at them in Big Bear is the way I stare at the TV screen everyone the two of them are on it.

:: Potomac :: 
I am SUPER behind on Potomac, but Candice and the other pale skinny white guy with a creepy goatee got married.  Woof.

The theme was “cosmopolitan sophistication with a touch of southern class.”  Hahahaa.

:: Mazze l: Dorit + RHOBH :: 
The cast of RHOBH is filming their vacation in the Bahamas (with new cast member Denise Richards) and this video of Dorit had me cracking up.  Dorit is being sued over Beverly Beach and apparently this person is friends with someone they owe money to.  Catch the video here.

ALSO.  Are those new implants in the bathing suit ?!?  They look smaller?!

:: Jackhole :: 
The Tori Spelling joining the RHOBH rumors better be staying rumors.  I am all about Denise, but it is a HARD PASS for Tori being part of this cast.  Absolutely NOT.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews