DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Bach Paradise :: 

We’re FINALLY at the FINAL Week.  Can I get an AMEN!?

Jordan gets a date that involes – what else – modeling.  Wearing – what else – a wedding dress.  And just when the douchery of Jordan gets to be too much, his lewks are trumped by the BIGGEST douche of them all ROBBY walking in.
Reminding us of his instagram handle and social media skills.  “RoberHunter89 on the social interwebs”.  Get this guy off of my television screen ASAP.

Kendall dumps Joe The Grocer, which everyone but Joe saw coming from the beginning

(and now he is going to be on Dancing With The Stars… convenient timing for Kendall…..)

Kevin breaks up with Astrid, coming off like the biggest ass in Paradise.  She seems like the only sane person there.  He’s a moron.  Not all Canadians are nice.

The only three left are Annaliese and Kamil, Chris and Krystal, and Jenna and Jordan for Fantasy Suites.
Annaliese and Kamil are up first the next day.
And of course Annaliese is the first to confess her love, dying for a proposal from the third person she fell head over heels for.  Kamil confesses his love, but says he isn’t ready to propose.  I’m still shocked he was ready to be in this relationship…… something smells fishy…… like beach time and camera time made it worth his while.

Next up, crazy Jenna who has got to be on pills of some sort is desperate for a proposal from Jordan.  What do these producers feed these people that they are DYING to get engaged?!  He proposes and we hear 97 smacking sounds of them kissing before they head out into the sand.  Cut to Chris Harrison and PEOPLE CRYING in the audience.  YAH. RIGHT.

Chris “The Goose ” Proposes to Crystal.  The two villains are made for each other.

At least the producers spared us and wrapped that up in the first 30 minutes.
On to After Paradise…..

When Leo gets introduced there is not a clap in the house.  Obviously.  I’m shocked he had the balls to even show up!  And then they don’t even call him out for anything!!?? WHAT!? Nevermind! SHAME on ABC for having him!!! That is such BS!!!

Kendall gets back with Joe because she found out he is going to be on Dancing With the Stars and wants more TV time.
Astrid gets back with Kevin because she, too, is an idiot.

Completely unsurprisingly, Kamil breaks up with Annalease.  Ugh this poor girl.  She needs a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You to avoid these things in the future.

Jordan and Crazy Jenna are happily engaged, which does not surprise me.  These two actually seem like their lack of brain cells makes for a match made it heaven.
* SPOILER : I’m wrong! She’s been cheating – see below*

Crystal come out with The Goose with a nipple READY TO POP.  She has the most banging bod, and no one loves a flat chest and a deep-v more than yours truly, but DAYUM girl.  Hope you’ve got some tape going on.
These two also seem on equally shallow levels and might actually be perfect together.
Who would have thought BIP might have a higher success rate than Bachelor/ette?!

AND WE HAVE A BREAK UNTIL JANUARY 7TH!!!!!!
CELEBRATE!!!!!!

:: Jenna and Jordan ::
Reality Steve leaked text messages on Tuesday between Jenna and a secret boyfriend.  Well…. one of her secret boyfriends.  She was dating other guys, one in particular, and telling him that everything she does – with the show and with her “dating” other men – is just for networking and her business. Reality Steve showed the text messages that her scorned lover sent where she says she doesn’t like Jordan let alone love him, everything on the show is fake, that she is way better than Jordan, and that he means nothing to her.
And THEN….

By the end of Wednesday, Jordan had broken up with her.
She is, of course, denying all of it and saying that it’s false.
But I believe Reality Steve – he wouldn’t publish text messages without proof that it was coming from her cell phone number.

:: Amanda Stanton ::

Soooooo little baby face whisper voice Amanda Stanton got ARRESTED at 3 AM on Monday morning in Vegas for domestic disturbance against her boyfriend!?
And THEN by 3 pm on Tuesday was posting a smiley selfie of them on the airplane heading home.  WHAT?!

She has since spoken out in a statement saying that she is a “gentle” person who was being “rambunctious” and gave herboyfriend “a playful shove.”  Ummmm I call bullshit.  I don’t think security is called to a room and then arrests a 5 foot tall little girl for domestic violence over a playful shove?!
It’s always the quiet ones……

:: Baby Bekah expecting a Baby ::
In February she was living life in a marijuana farm smoking doobies and listed as a missing person when her family couldn’t get a hold of her …… this January she’ll have a baby! But of course!

Okay….. and NOW….. no more Bachelor until January 7!

:: Flipping Out ::

So glad it is back.  I love Jeff Lewis so much.
His radio show is my favorite thing to listen to ALL WEEK LONG.
Get s0meones SiriusXM password and download the app!

:: RHOBH ::
On Friday I talked about Denise Richards engagement.
I forgot to mention a crazy fact about her man….his ex-wife was Nicolette Sheridan. Who is also the ex wife of Rinna’s husband Harry Hamlin.  What are the odds of that!?
AND Nicollette was a Desperate Housewife, so he went from a Desperate Housewife to a Real Housewife.
ANYWAYS, they were engaged publicly for like 2 seconds because then on Saturday she was married!
Ummmm that was fast!?!
They apparently just started dating December 2017, and his divorce was finalized the week before their wedding.  Why oh why the rush?! And why oh why the dress?!

Speaking of poor fashion taste,
Dorit is in DEEP SHEYITE with LVP.
Apparently Dorit adopted a dog from Vanderpump Dogs and then put it up for adoption at another shelter.  (apparently the dog nipped at one of her kids PHEE-NIX or JAHH-GAHH.)
And LVP is not. having. it.
update: apparently this may not be how it went down? they gave the dog to another family after it bit the kids and then THAT family gave it to a shelter?
I don’t know….. but I actually don’t fault Dorit, because of course you get rid of a dog that bites your child?

:: RHOC ::
Who would have thought EMILY would have been the first one in this group to fly off the handle?!  But we had to wait for that…. so let’s start at the beginning….
I want to throw up in my mouth with everything involving Vicki and Steve Lodge, but when she says “I put George Clooney on my vision board and then Steve appeared” I choked on my dinner.
Ummmmm no.

I then continue to want Vicki off the screen as it goes to her desperately talking about marriage and their (EW) sex life.  STAHP IT.

Gina opens up to Emily about her marital problems, and I admire how honest this girl is – with everything.  She’s not blaming him for being away with work; she’s saying she realizes she doesn’t mind him being gone, and that the move opened her eyes to a different life outside of her New Jersey bubble.

Tamra has a hideously tacky red themed party with horrifying model shots of young-Eddie strewn about, while a current-Eddie is wearing a particularly heinous red heart suit that looks like it came out of Shannon Beador’s costume closet.
Gina is ready to for a do-over meeting Shane, since last time she was yelling and cursing around his precious Mormon ears, so this time she decides to yell and curse around his precious Mormon ears while grabbing him into a body hug with an f-bomb.  Hahha.  Bless her.

And then we get the first drama of the season, ignited by none other than Kelly Dodd.  Kelly is furious that Steve Lodge spoke about her and her divorce in the press (he is friends with Michael).

Shannon is telling her to calmly address it because attacking him and making him go on the defense won’t help anything.  As if Kelly could do ANYTHING calmly! Ever.
So Kelly struts over to Steve, where he is eating with Emily’s husband Shane, and starts asking him why he was talking about her in the press.  Steve acts like Vicki’s little Betch per usual and skedaddles inside without saying much of anything.

Shane chimes in with commentary – BAD IDEA SHANE – riling Kelly up by saying that perhaps she was starting drama.  He doesn’t even really say much of anything, but he engaged in conversation with her which is all Kelly Dodd ever needs to go from 0 to 100.  Kelly gets pissed and heads for the bar.
Shannon apologizes over and over again, while letting us know that Kelly is NOT drunk.
And then the small shred of composure and maturity Kelly had left disappears and she begins calling Shane, who she has no idea is Emily’s husband despite meeting him earlier that night, a bunch of names.
(She totally didn’t remember meeting him as Emily’s husband – I believe that. I’m sure the little man didn’t leave a big impression).
Kelly is complaining to Emily about “that little bitch of a man” and tells Kelly twice “that’s my husband!” Kelly is obviously surprised to hear this news, but she keeps it up with “that’s your husband? he’s a little bitch!” and within seconds Emily is yelling “THAT’S MY HUSBAND” in a deep voice followed by “I’LL KILL YOU.”

Well that sure escalated quickly…….
Kelly is used to being the one to go insane and she seemed shocked to have illicit this behavior from the calm newbie lawyer.
I guess a proposal over g-chat brings out some serious love to threaten death that quickly?

:: DWTS Cast Revelaed ::
There isn’t anyone I am super excited about, sadly.
I have no idea who any of the young people are.
But oh well, I always love it.

:: Jackhole of the Week ::
Heidi and Tim are LEAVING PROJECT RUNWAY!?!?!?
WHAT?!?!?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?
Then there IS NO Project Runway!!!!

:: Jackhole Part II of the Week ::

I didn’t have a Mazel for this week, but had 2 Jackholes. 
I still haven’t seen the Below Deck Reunion but I just KNOW that JOAWOWAOW will be as big of an ass as he was all season, so I can confidently name him another Jackhole.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews