:: Coffee Talk 1.10.19 ::

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

Happy first Coffee Talk of 2019!!
It’s been so long since a Coffee Talk!
I had started one pre-Christmas, so I’ll keep some older things in here,
because I haven’t watched or done too much over Christmas and New Years.

:: THE BACHELOR ::

Ugh. ABC finds new ways to TORTURE us every year. As if 3 hours wasn’t enough bullsheyite to put us through, now we get about 1 hour at the end of the actual show and 2 hours of viewing parties across the country hosted by Bachelor Rejects? I can’t. I couldn’t care less about what the hell is going on in Lansing, Michigan and no matter how pretty Jojo and her perfect hair look I ain’t got time for this crap.
I mean, I watch more TV and talk about it probably more than these people, but at least I have my standards of hiding behind a laptop screen while I do it and not ACTUALLY going nuts over a 3rd place runner up who runs a meatball shop being in my living room. STANDARDS PEOPLE.

If they do this week after week I WILL RIOT. I will take to the STREETS!! I don’t get political on here but the PROTEST IS ON! I will make my voice HEARD. Do you hear me Chris Harrison?!?! ENOUGH. We do NOT want it.

k…. deep breaths…. gotta keep that heart rate down for the babies…..

We meet a bunch of the eligible women, and by women, I mean 23 year old girls who just graduated from college and have yet to realize what a desk job and poverty will do to their immaculate bodies and dewy skin.

We have two beauty queens and I am all for it. Especially beauty queens competing the same year and one of them beating the other. That’s the snarky drama I can get behind ABC.

As we go through these girls “professions”, we meet one who moved to LA because she wanted to dance. Well….. she looks like she is having a seizure on the dance floor. I’m no backup dancer, but seriously, I haven’t danced since my cheerleading days and I think have more talent than this. Is this like during Miss American pageants when the girls have to pick “dance” (or worse “singing”) because they have no talent and think it is somehow subjective to each persons eyes and ears?

We meet a real life Josie from “Never Been Kissed” because what goes together better than a virgin and a girl who has never been kissed?! Oh…. and virgin and all things related to Colton’s virginity are obviously the drinking game of the season.

We always have to get a dental hygienist in there. It can’t be The Bachelor without at least one.

I did NOT anticipate a call from Mom from FEDERAL PRISON coming during Demi’s intro. WOWZA. Am I impressed with this casting? Yes…. yes I am….. more of this kind of drama and less of the sloth costumes and forced cat fights please.

I now am just fast forwarding EVERYTHING because it’s 9 hours of Bachelor rejects acting like the total idiots they are, and I am seeing someone PROPOSING at a Bachelor viewing party. PEOPLE. Have some standards. PLEASE. Did he get a free Neil Lane for Kay Jewelers ring or something?! WE DON’T CARE.

I can’t take my eyes off of the girl Hannah G (that ends up getting the first impression rose) because she is a model for Red Dress Boutique and I see her face practically everyday on my instagram. When she turns sideways she’s as big as my forearm (am I showing my 32 year old age and jealousy over these girls metabolisms and lack of forehead wrinkles?)

The girl that steps out with her mini dog is…… 26??? Hmmmm. Alrighty………. suuuuuure. If she’s 26, Hannah G and I are the same age and look the same in a bikini….. If that’s true, then I literally do not understand these young girls who pay money for cosmetic procedures to age the hell out of themselves….. she cannot be 26.

And…. the sloth. I can’t.

I am actually slow clapping Bri for doing the fake Australian accent. Genius. And she’s a smoke-show so I’m pretttttty sure it’s a yes. (but wait, had I already blacked out from Viewing Party Boredom or did Colton and she never acknowledge that she was using a fake accent?)

Miss North Carolina looks like Vanessa Lachey and it’s all I can think about.

I also just can’t stop thinking about how the Red Dress Boutique model is on the television and all of these girls are TWENTY THREE. Wasn’t last season all about how 22 year old Baby Becca was a BABY and not old enough by ANYONES standards to be on a show wanting a proposal and marriage?!

I’m also just BLINDED by the amount of sequins going on. So, so many tacky dresses this year. And I feel like the group as a whole is one of their most attractive yet, but MY EYES. The one girl has on a purple sequin dress with BAD prom hair…….. you know which one I’m talking about!

Colton is smoking hot but I already don’t think I am into his kissing AT ALL. The timing is just all off! Someones like mid sentence and he just lunges right in with too much force. I feel like there needs to be a pause and he is just cutting people off awkwardly. Am I crazy?

How on earth does full on purple sequins with prom hair from 1995 get picked? HOW?! I’m sure she’s lovely, but I can’t with this……

Oh…. the ONLY two moments with any worth from all of the Viewing Party BS was that 1) no one gives a damn about Becca and Garrett and they would rather show Becca’s rejects in Lansing Michigan whose names I can’t even remember instead of them and that 2) they clearly hated that they had to share Arie and Lauren’s pregnancy news because they gave them about 1/10 of the air time as they did anyone else in the Bachelor “family” with baby news.

They made this season look good in the previews…. so I’m holding out hope, but ABC always disappoints me, so I’ll keep my expectations low.

:: RHONJ ::

I am notorious for not being into NJ. I took several years off and then I watched last season but would watch very late and never really comment on it.
I don’t know if it’s because OC has become such blatant garbage that now any franchise is great compared to them, but I am ALL FOR Jersey this year. That entire trip to Oklahoma?! LOVED IT. Ate it up. Jen is something else. When all she could talk about was her house and her sunset and her this and her that an they played clip after clip and clip of her commentary, I was dying laughing. And Marge gives some great commentary in her confessionals. I’ve drank and the kool-aid and I am back in.

I could have watched two more episodes just revolving around psycho Bridezilla Danielle and all of the wedding antics. Bitch is CAH-RAZY. And I love listening to Dolores questioning how this lunatic keeps getting men.

I am into Jackie as a new addition. I love someone who isn’t afraid of Teresa and her bullsheyite. Teresa is the biggest hypocrite of them all with her “control your man” crap to Melissa. All I was thinking was “your husband is in jail! and you went to jail! clearly you cannot control your man!” and I am SO glad someone is around to say it to her face. Dolores is RULL annoying getting into all of it and then saying that Jackie needs to stay out of it. They’re all just total hypocrites. “Don’t get involved in family” but Dolores can?

Jen’s brother is getting married (arranged marriage and still can’t really figure out how many times he has laid eyes on the woman) and it’s amazing because it brings us to a JOVANIIIIIIII moment. Oh Jovani. I cannot see the name without hearing Dorinda drunkenly shrieking it at LuAnn’s cabaret.

I think it’s HILARIOUS that Jackie wrote an article about Jen’s house and raising spoiled children. Completely inappropriate?! HELL YES. Jackie completely wrong?! HELL YES. But it’s amazing. That girl gives zero effs. None. Not one.
You can read the article here if interested.

:: Lilo’s Beach House ::

Oh em geeeeee I haven’t seen it yet (or her on my-boyfriend-andy-cohens WWHL!) with DANIELLE no less, but I am so so SO excited. Was it everything and more?! Will I love it?! Even if it’s garbage you know I will….. counting the hours until I can see it tonight!
Also…. when this gif of her dancing first went viral I for some reason thought it was D’Andra from RHOD…. don’t ask….. but also….. Lindsay has not aged well…..

:: Dirty John ::

It’s just THE BEST. I hadn’t listened to the podcast in so long so I had forgotten a bunch of things.
The finale is this Sunday, and if for some WHO KNOWS WHAT reason you still haven’t listened to the podcast you have a lot to look forward to.

:: OC Reunion Part III ::

What’s that now? Wasn’t this like a month ago? Yes, yes it was! But I was busy doing other things far more important than blogging, like sitting on my ass and enjoying the holidays……. so feel free to read about 2018’s news…..

I talked on instagram about how I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the bottom of Tamra’s Louboutin shoes. I meannnn I can’t with this. That sale price sticker border? I can’t?

I felt like she had done that before and whattaya know…. SHE HAD. Thank you to my dear friend for sending me this. These were her wedding shoes, so more acceptable, but still. When we are going to be staring at the bottom of your damn foot for 3 weeks in a row, pick a prettier sole PUH-Lease.

You should see what I am wearing while I am writing these
judgmental comments about sale stickers and scratched up soles on Louboutin’s……
Even my slippers are embarrassingly worn in.

:: Vanderpump Rules ::

Again, this is old Vanderpump rules commentary from before Christmas, but I feel like literally nothing happened this week except me actually feeling bad for James being fired since he is supporting his entire degenerate family based off of his “DJ skills”.
Oh, and wanting to throw the remote at my television if I hear Brittany say “fiance” that way she keeps saying it to Jax (where she literally says it as if you are reading it as an English word) one more time. So….. here’s some comments on 2 or 3 weeks ago.

Is this really what LVP wants to make of her life? Spending time in Jax and Brittany’s crappy (upgraded, but still) apartment filled with a bunch of 30 something year old losers, discussing Tom Schwartz having a working penis again while people take shots out of plastic shot glasses and undoubtedly are doing “pasta” in the bathroom??? She really couldn’t play nice with the BH ladies could she….. these losers are her future. Not like she needs RHOBH but still… woof…..

The beginning of the season has revolved mostly around James and I’m here for it, because anything to get the focus off of Jax. I really worry about James and Raquel. They’re like an episode of SNL’s Californians come to life. There is NOTHING going on up there. James hosts a dinner party for Tom and Ariana in his “two bedroom studio” and while I want to believe he uses the term studio to refer to his sick White Kanye beats he creates there, I think he doesn’t comprehend the meaning of a studio apartment. And don’t even get me started on Raquel……

Kristin Doute REALLY just needs to go. Her only story line is talking about James. James is the new Tom and Kristin will always be a stage 5 clinger ex. She does the exact same thing she did to Tom but now with James, ambushing him with a girl he slept with. And yes I’m sure it’s true, but still, besides the point. Sitting there yelling “what are you even doing here” to a person who is being PAYED to DJ and WORK there is the biggest moment of pot calling kettle black ever. BYE DOUTE.

:: Jackhole of the Week ::
R Kelly.
Ohhhhh emmmm geeeee. I haven’t started the Lifetime docuseries yet but I am DEFINITELY going to. Apparently he is now under investigation and based on what I’ve heard it’s shocking that he is out and free!
(…… does this mean I have to not like Remix to Ignition? Because it really is one of the greatest songs of all time…..)

:: Mazel of the Week : My-Boyfriend-Andy-Cohen ::

I know this was Christmas news, but Mazel Mazel Mazel on Andy’s Baby News.
Even better was Teresa’s reaction (or lack thereof).

There is literally NOTHING going on up there.
It takes her a full 20 seconds to process anything anyone says.
You can practically see her trying to process words on RHONJ and then….. wait for it……. wait for it……. she gets it and can respond.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either. Or the day after that.