DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: BACHELOR ::

Does every episode this season start with Colton in a shower?
Because we all just gaze off into the distance while we’re in the shower, right?

All I want to do with hometowns is talk about the family members and friends.  I really couldn’t care less about the “woman” (slash 23 year old girls) this week….. we’ll get back to them next week with fantasy suites and Colton maybe possible who knows FINALLY jumping the damn fence.

This fence jumping better be over something good….
but something tells me it will be a big build up for a womp womp moment.

Quick side comment: this etiquette class is what every one in the world needs.  It makes me NUTS when people grab that bread basket and butter the entire roll and gnaw on it.  Just ask my husband whom I’ve been kicking under tables and attempting to train for years…… but I digress…….. 

I thought I was straight up looking at Melissa McCarthy in costume for a role when we met Hannah G’s mom.  Jaw. on. the. floor.

And her girlfriends hair on the end of the couch that was asking about Colton’s virginity! WHAT!?
Was that friends 23, too?  Because that was 45 year old soccer mom hair if I’ve ever seen it.

He keeps CASSIE over CAELYNN?? Never saw that coming.
What is the appeal of Cassie?  (well…. what’s the appeal of anyone really ever on these shows?……)

And now, who is going to the Bachelorette? Because I don’t want to watch any of these girls.
(I mean…. I want to watch Hannah G because I think she’s so gorgeous, but no one has a personality I want to watch…. and Hannah G is one of those girls that thinks she can “rap” and that’s a HARD NO from me.)

:: VANDERPUMP RULES ::

Why cant we get some iPhone footage of crazy Kristins meltdown banging
on peoples doors like the Housewives of Dallas give us?

I really couldn’t care less about the Kristin and Carter story line.  When the VR’s people are saying someones boyfriend doesn’t do anything all day, that’s like a new level of lazy and not doing anything all day.  I’m perplexed as to what Kristin does all day that she says carter doesn’t do anything…..

Lala reveals that her and Randall broke up and I am shocked she has the nerve to say what she says on camera.  Something tells me MY MAN will not be pleased.  Lala is not concerned… did you see the size of her hoops? He can take her Gucci slides… she knows how to get another PJ.

Tom and Tom continue to act as though they are an integral part of the whole TomTom Restaurant in terms of their “investment” and input….. I can’t with them. “We’ve worked on this cocktail menu for a year.”  Sounds about right…. a full year of drinking to come up with 10 drinks for a menu.

:: RHOBH ::
We’re in the Bahamas for a ladies trip and I am EXCITED.
Dorit looked SO pretty with just a little wave in her hair all travel day
and then BOOM glam squad gives her a full 80’s fitness hair do. Ugh my gawd.

I’m laughing my head off at Denise coming to drinks at the hotel room in shorts and a top (what any normal person would wear to drink in a hotel room) while they’re all practically in ball gowns.
“I packed the wrong sh*t…. I learned that real quickly.” Hahaha.

Denise is just what this franchise needs.  She’s the “normal” to infuse the season.  She’s like Teddi…..but with a killer personality and seriously hilarious commentary.
No offense to Teddi, I like her and think she’s likely a lovely person,
but she doesn’t bring anything amazing in terms of TV.

The fact that Denise shot Playboy 5 months after having a baby and looked like THAT I cannot. I can’t.

Rinna calls out LVP on the dog stuff in .2 seconds to Teddi and Kyle at breakfast and it’s amazing.  She just pins it on everyone else and makes them do the dirty work for her and then walks away without any blood on her hands.

They go to a private island and it’s AH-mazing.

Until Rinna wants everyone to get whatever is off their chest off their chest.

LVP pulls a TOTAL LVP to not one, but TWO of the people.  First she tries to rope Kyle in by saying “and you said something to me about this” when Kyle knew NOTHING of it and LVP said something TO Kyle about it.  Then she says to Erica that her condolence letter wasn’t good enough.  I meannnnnn I am team Erika.  That is insane.

If you thought that I was cold before, hell hath frozen over. YASSSSS.
I love that she has an “insurance policy” for the condolence note, because she knew it would be brought up and be an issue with her.  LVP is UNBELIEVABLE.

At dinner that night the dog situation comes up and LVP does what she does best and tries to pin it on Teddi. “I didn’t know Teddie was going to gossip”.  As Teddi says – all she does is make her friends look bad and try to keep her hands clean.  She even attempted it earlier on the beach with Kyle!

Can’t wait for next week when Ken says “texts” as “textseses” 17 times, one of my biggest pet peeves of ALL TIME, adding to the ever growing list of why I cannot stand to ever see or hear Ken Todd on my television.

:: MEXICAN DYNASTY ::

The newest show to hit Bravo is Mexican Dynasty. It follows three famous or important or who knows what “dynasties”.

The first family is famous because the husband/father is a famous actor/singer and they sleep until 1 PM and their 27 year old son is often in bed with them.  Hmmmm…..
The older 30 year old son is something of an “outcast” and got married young and quickly to Miss Puerto Rico, and they’re still together with 2 kids.

The second family is…. OH EM GEE.  THE FATHER IN THE FAMILY FOUNDED JARRITOS.  THE BEST GRAPEFRUIT SODA FOR COCKTAILS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.  I drove to like 7 Mexican supermarkets to stock up on this stuff pre-pregnancy.
K…. I’m into this family……
The mom is a famous fashion critic and is like the “Joan Rivers” of Mexico City.  She was recently widowed by the Jarritos husband.

The third family is a “Car Dynasty” family.  It’s mainly a sister and brother and their kids.  The sister is divorced and the brother is openly gay with surrogate twins and they have a TV show together that looks INSANE.

Basically…. all three families seem nuts.  So, very Bravo appropriate.
I don’t even know how to summarize this first episode other than explaining the three “dynasties”, but it’s like……. a Telenovela mixed with a Crazy Mexican Gameshow!?!?

:: RHONJ Reunion ::

We kick it off with Teresa still making it all about her while trying to say the word persuade,
but she thinks its “persway”.
We discuss Jennifer and her Giant Mansion, and when Marge calls it “very Liberace” Jennifer responds with “I don’t live in garment racks” and SLOW CLAP that is the best clap back ever.  Marge with her “my house is under construction”…. cmon now….. and will someone PLEASE call her out for the tags still being on those damn lamps in her bedroom? How do I write in these questions for my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen to ask at the reunion?! How on earth could furnishing that entire house only cost $40,000? That makes NO sense to me.  That’s like when HGTV does a reno and the cost is insanely low….. eemmmm I don’t get it.

Melissa is talking about her fathers passing and a possible long lost sister and Teresa immediately turns it straight to her with “you’ve got a sister right here.”  I CANNOT WITH HER.  She makes my skin crawl.

I LOVED when they bring Joe out and he defends himself by saying he works hard and is busy unlike Teresas husband who clearly wasn’t working and had time to spend with the dad.  “Look at Joe Giudice and look at me.”  As quickly as he says that and I’m slow clapping they go to their disgusting side by talking about his SISTER using the thing in her drawer to not be so wound up.

SO DISGUSTING.  That is your SISTER!

They do a montage of Teresa coming home from jail and she looks SO much younger without all of the fillers and everything in her face.  She looks like 10 years younger!

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews