discuss amongst ya-selves……. 

I know, I know.  I’m the most delinquent coffee talk’er on the face of the planet.
And this was rushed.  One day (month? year?) I’ll get my act together again.
MOVING ON……..

:: RHOSLC ::

A new housewives franchise with fresh faces is one of the best things to happen my television in 2020.  I needed this.  WE NEEDED THIS.  Honestly, they could be 10x worse than OC but at least it’s new people and new bullsh*t and I would be happy with anything. BUT.  It’s incredible.  They are delivering in ways we never could have dreamed possible,
LIKE MARRY YOUR GRANDFATHER.

Before the first commercial break we are given a vow renewal (a true curse) that ends in an outfit change into shorts  to flip around a stripper pole while HER FATHER proudly looks on.  Pure TV gold.

Ok – there’s no real way to segway from that…. but let’s breakdown of the ladies.

Jen Shah – was a Mormon, now is a Muslim. Over the top, looks like she goes to her plastic surgeon with whatever the latest Kardashian face is and asks to keep tweaking it to look like that, and somehow has more money than God with a husband who coaches college football.  All of this money can’t possible be from coaching that football team, right?! I mean…. even Nick Saban (Alabama Coach) can’t possibly have this much dough?!  But he’s the #1 college coach and it’s SEC Football, so his money makes more sense?! …… I don’t know…

Jen Shah has so much money that she has multiple assistants – and even threw in a few extra bucks for a loud plastic microphone to yell at them.  And nothing is better than when someones assistant to do menial tasks is a 40/50 year old white man.  Like…. what was this man doing with his life before he went on the payroll to drive her car and order shirtless men to show up for parties? I’d love to know…..

Heather –  my #1 for sure.  She has the true, pure Mormon upbringing stemming from the pioneers or something, and now she’s ready to throw it all in the fire post divorce and talk about her love of rap, cocktails, beautiful black men and homosexuals.  Heather is ready to PAH-Reach.  She also runs a botox/med-spa valued at $20 million dollars, but I wanted to lead with her love of rap, cocktails, black men and gays.  Love her already.

Whitney – Had a very scandalous affair and divorce to then marry her much older husband whilst pregnant, got excommunicated from the church, and 10 years later they are still kicking it.  They renew their vows with much more support 10 years later, and her father proudly looks on clapping as she twirls on the stripper pole.  I mean…. from excommunicated from the church and shotgun wedding to stripper pole dancing with family – it’s basically a Hallmark movie!

Meredith is Lisa.  Lisa is Meredith.  I mean….. I can tell them apart…kind of….. but for right now they are essentially the same person.  Except one of them drives her expensive car to 17 different fast food restaurants and is the “it girl” of the Sundance Film Festival (Lisa), has a tequila company despite seemingly being the only practicing Mormon of the group,  has giant signs above her small children’s beds about HUSTLING or GRIT or something (ummmm?? isn’t one of them 9??? )  and the other (Meredith) has rose petals and candles lit for her anniversary by her SON and has a fashion or jewelry business or something.  Her son is already 10x more prominent of a character on the show than her husband will ever be.

And methinks there will be some marital problems based on this being his OPENING COMMENTARY ON CAMERA.
But essentially – same person for now. Both like to make snippy side comments whenever possible, which I always appreciate in a Housewife, like an “I don’t know her”

or “I would never wear a short tight dress with stilettos” while the TV flashes an image of her fellow cast members wearing exactly what appalls her.

and finally….. MARY.  Mary Cosby.  The one who has had all of us on pins and needles ever since we read “married her step grandfather after he grandmothers death and they have one child together.”
UMMMMMMMM.  EXCUSE ME.

I need like an ENTIRE episode devoted to this.  They attempt to skip right over it and focus on how Mary simply CANNOT when someone “smells like hospital.”  While I appreciate that “smell like hospital” is still a stellar story line for Housewives arguments, especially compared to Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy or ANYTHING involving Vicki or Tamra,
CAN WE TALK ABOUT MARRYING THE GRANDPA SOME MORE ?!

Mary is the “First Lady” of the Pentecostal Church, another thing she inherited from her Grandmother in addition to HER GRANDFATHER.  THAT SHE HAS A CHILD WITH.
SHE HAS A CHILD WITH HER STEP GRANDFATHER.

…. k….. just making sure those of you who don’t “follow” or “understand” Housewives have this spelled out crystal clear – THIS IS WHY YOU WATCH HOUSEWIVES.
But I digress….

Mary seems to…. well…. she stutters and shakes when she’s talking in real life, outside of the church, and if any of my friends had her mannerisms I would 100% think they were in drugs. Her behavior is ODD.  But maybe it’s just hard to shake the Pentecostal minister thing?! I think they speak in tongues?! I hope we’ll find out…..

In addition to Mary not being able to handle the “smell like hospital”, she says that Jen’s Aunt should have a better diet, or drink some water, and it’s her fault she lost both her legs.  Mmmmmmk.  Mary had her odor glands removed and died twice and came back to life, so she’s allowed to say terrible things about someone’s family member being a double amputee because under no circumstances should Mary SMELL LIKE HOSPITAL.

I leave you with this : my favorite thing I saw on instagram last week 🙂

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Comments By Bravo (@commentsbybravo)

Oh, apparently her church is just a money stealing scheme of stealing from the poor to feed the rich and get her all of that Versace in her closet.  Of course now I can’t find the article but I saw it somewhere on instagram.

Also, let me say that I would also happily watch a completely separate show about the wealthy Mormons in SLC (ya know…. the fashion bloggers) who are nothing like these women.  I am fascinated!

oh and PS.  Here is an article that speculates on more details of how Mary’s marriage to HER GRANDFATHER came to be.

 ** WEEK TWO **
rapid thoughts – this 10 PM start time is killing me……
Jen Shah stops the “smells like hospital”  fight with saying Mary  “looks like a Christmas tree” which Heather corrects to “She looks like a loofah”.

So sad to learn about Whitney’s dad addiction to pain killers.

Meredith and her husband are SEPARATED?! I mean…. I had thought they would show them struggling living different lives in different cities but DAYUM.
They are fighting about reading each other’s phones at dinner because he says she is HIDING SOMETHING?!

OOOOOOOOOOO.

I’m really loving Whitney.  No surprise that her and Heather are related because they are my favorite.
Lisa seems like a true stuck up betch.  Just sayin’…..

And apparently a thumbs up text is an “F you”??? or a TWO thumbs up is an “F you”?? News to me….

Mary is still a lunatic.  Even when she’s barely shown this week I swear she’s just twitching and stuttering and all over the place.

:: OC ::

I didn’t even want to watch OC this year.  But…. here I am.

What can I say…. I’m weak.  I’m bored.
I’ve given that franchise too many precious hours of my life and all they have given me in return in GARBAGE.  Mainly the garbage that is Tamra and Vicki.
With Tamra and Vicki gone….. and…. let’s be honest, with me having even less of a life than ever before, OF COURSE I’M WATCHING IT.
I don’t really care to recap these idiots – but, I will say, it is better than it has been in several years.  Still at the very bottom of the Housewives ranking, but it’s better without the OG’s.
They’re all in new relationships (well… sadly Emily is still with Shane, who I STILL don’t think has passed the bar) which changes it up a bit, there’s a new girl who went from trailer park to old man billionaire and then divorced him, and Braunwyn beginning her sobriety journey basically the day filming starts.  So if nothing else, it’s some background noise while scrolling Instagram.
In summary : I do really like the new girl Elizabeth, and I feel terribly for Gina, and I’m happy Shannon is finally happier with a seemingly nice man, and I really wish Emily would dump Shane’s ass because she’s way too good for him, and I cannnnnoottttt even give commentary on Kelly.  Can’t.

OH, and speaking of the new girl – the scene at her beach house where she had the food all laid out and the stickers from Whole Foods on the bowls? I love how Shannon is like ” we get it we get it!” trying to make cracks at her about money, when in reality it’s because Shannon has food allergies and she kindly wanted her to see what’s in the food. Ummm Shannon. Elizabeth has oodles more money than you’ve got – she isn’t trying to impress you with her $4.97 broccoli salad from Whole Foods.  But nice try making it seem like she was showing off her money with her $5 groceries.

OH, and I also love that this is Gina’s permanent face/mannerism.

PS.  Did I mention I’m so happy Vicki and Tamra are gone?!

:: BACHELORETTE ::
Claire is OUT and Tayshia is in.

If you’ve been a Coffee Talk follower you know that I have seen every. single. season. of this damn show, and all of its spin offs, from day one.  Mainly because I’m not a quitter (just kidding…. I’ll quit anything)
Mainly because I have no standards.  I watched the first episode with Alex Michel and sadly….. here I am…. 9 million hours and however many years later.
BUT, I’ve enjoyed that this season kicked off with Clare being full blown Stage 5 Clinger

and professing “HE’S MY HUSBAND” before all of the men had even exited their limo’s to meet her.

She saw Dale, they said hello, and that was it.  And I think that’s a really smart decision for someone to make when they’re 39 years old and don’t want to settle and already have had failed television romances.  Super smart.  Just pick the guy that’s the hottest to you and become so freakishly obsessed with him that you sleep with his unwashed pants on your face and sniff them on live television.

Every time she was confessing her obsessive love to Dale he was just starting at her likeee

Clare and Dale ran off into the sunset….. aka away from La Quinta….
I realllllly hope this works out because I’m truly scared if it doesn’t.

Her meltdown when they didn’t fight to rip her away the second after they “cheers’ed” was CRINGEWORTHY.  And crazy.

Now we have Tayshia stepping in as the new Bachelorette and slow clap I’m here for it.  Sure, the group of men – as usual – seem fairly dismal, but there’s a few in there that seem like they could be nice, normal, and cute. Here’s hoping she picks one of those though……

EDIT : I was all about her until I went to look for gif’s for this post and saw this

and remembered this relationship from Bachelor in Paradise…. ugh I’ll try to forget again. HOW did I forget this?!

:: RHOP ::

I love Potomac so, so, sooooo much.

Monique and Candice are equally lunatics and terrible – but Monique has really shocked me this season.  The way the barn night transgressions kept going and going and going…. and then her pretending she “blacked out” when in reality she recited the entire chain of events on the phone in the backseat of the car on the drive home, and then she wasn’t sorry!?

But Candice is sneaky scum too.  We all know that.

HOW ON EARTH IS ASHLEY DARBY STILL WITH THIS SCUMBAG?!
And now she is PREGNANT WITH HIS SECOND CHILD?!
I hope she has a long term plan…. get her kids from him and then GET GONE.  He is horrifying.

:: Scott Disick is Dating Emilia Gray :: 
He is 37, she is 19.

RINNA BETTER BE COMMENTING ON THIS.

especially since they are currently filming BH……
I will be waiting……

:: Erika + Tom :: 
Erika has filed for divorce from Mr. Girardi after 21 years of marriage.

The rumors were that she had an affair with her DWTS partner Gleb, who also just filed for divorce, but the newest rumor is that she has something to do with Scooter Braun.  Scooter Braun is the guy who bought up all of Taylor Swift’s music and they had a huge feud/lawsuit.

Whatever is going on…. I did find it VERY odd that he never read her book nor did he see her perform on Broadway….how does your husband not come to opening night or at least ONE performance when it was running for two months during Covid?!

:: Other TV Talk ::
I’m trying to remember what I’ve been watching lately…..

I devoured The Queen’s Gambit.
SO GOOD. Loved every minute of it.

Emily in Paris was a fun watch BUT everyone acting like it is a Sex and The City ?! NO.  NOPE.  Not even a sliver.  But it was great mindless pretty TV.

I’m watching The Undoing on HBO and loving it.

The new season of The Great British Bake Off releases episodes every Friday – and we all know I watch that show every day of my life.  Best thing to ever happen to me. (Although, it is has never ever been the same without Mary and the original hosts – and this new addition to the hosts makes it even worse!)

Like, I went on a DEEP DIVE on Paul Hollywood online the other night because I knew he had the cheating past and left his wife of 20 years (with a brief separation in there from the cheating, etc) and damn.  I love him so much on TV but he seems to be a standard grade A think with your pants and date a 24 year old kind of guy.  I pretend I know nothing about it when I watch the show, though.  They usually do Christmas episodes (a 4 episode mini series) during the Holidays…. I hope they’ll do that again this year but I feel like with COVID they probably didn’t film them?!

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
DID I MENTION SALT LAKE CITY STARTED?!

AND ONE OF THE HOUSEWIVES IS MARRIED TO HER STEP GRANDFATHER?

K……. JUST MAKING SURE YOU’RE WATCHING AND FOLLOWING THIS STORYLINE…..

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
my apologies for lack of weekly Coffee Talk like the good old days.
My little twin loves take after their mother and if the television is on their eyes are LOCKED and IN LOVE and want nothing else which leaves me little time for my beloved TV until late at night.
I’m also too tired to proofread my own nonsense,
so if this reads as though Teresa Giudice wrote it…….sorry not sorry. 

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews, reality tea, tenor