DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

I fully planned to read this on the flight down to Miami, but instead, I just inserted a few gifs and now am watching some free Bravo with a cocktail hoping my husband doesn’t get pulled out the window and having a mimosa.
So…. as usual….. bear with the broken English 🙂 Happy Weekend!
Follow along on Instagram to see my travels!

:: Southern Charm :: LAST WEEK’s ::

Cameron has her baby shower at Whitney’s mom Patricia’s house, who is apparenly been renamed as “Pat” without my knowledge whatsoever? Have I just missed this always, because I can’t see her enjoying being called “Pat” for some reason.

The theme to the shower is “Slim Aarons” and sixties and seventies, and personally I love this so much.  Even that birthing cake – it’s a piece of art if you ask me!  Hilarious and I love it (yet, also a perfect example of how “Pat” acts like she is above everyone and so classy and that cake is the least classy thing ever seen at a baby shower.  I don’t get her.)

Everyone for the most part dresses  for the theme in big colors and prints, and Craig doesn’t even have to change his regular wardrobe! How convenient for Craig! He can focus his energies where they are better suited : sewing.
Craig is special…. a special gift that just keeps on giving.  He has really thrown himself into his love of sewing and creating pillows! You see “sewing gives him the high that gardening used to.”
I DIED when I heard the completion of that sentence.  I thought the gift was just going to be hearing him discuss the joys of sewing, BUT NO.  I mean, I don’t even need to see any more and this week is already perfection for me.
It’s just….. I love this show so much.
He wants to make Cameron a handsewn gift for Palmer, obviously, so he makes some strange teddy bear animal thing? And an outfit for it.  The highlight of this is that he messes up her name (the auto function that WRITES EVERYTHING OUT FOR HIM must have gone haywire) and rather than starting over, he moves that to the back , and just does it again on the front.  And then gifts Cameron the messed up PAL____ gift.
Hashtag Blessed.

Ashley, Thomas’ girl with the “tiny heiney” that he prefers, continues to prove she is DEHYDRATED and spews all of this garbage about having babies with him.  I just can’t even go into it because I’m still trying to keep my food down from listening to Thomas’ talk about his “routine for the morning after with ladies” and sprinkling eggs with Plan B with that nausea inducing drawl and sheyite-eating-grin.

Truly he makes my skin crawl.  Maybe pick a girl who uses some form of birth control for your next one because two babies later you STILL don’t seem to comprehend that unprotected sex leads to children.

Naomi (and all of these girls) have decided that for some reason Kathryn is just THE BEST and they love her SO MUCH that Naomi needs to discuss with Pat, at her own home and her own shower, that she should be invited to group gatherings.  Pat shuts her down before she can even finish the first sentence and it is kind of amazing, because, duh, what did  you think she was going to do Naomi!?
Naomi then sets her eyes on Craig and they have the I miss you slash I remember that you are a total loser who does nothing now I’m pissed again conversation.  Ya know?
Again, Craig and his sewing take center stage.  When she realized Craig is talking a bunch of BS about how “busy” he is, she tells him that “he sits at home and sews and pretends to do things.” Craig can handle a lot…. but offending his sewing?! Hell. to. the. No. “What’s wrong with my sewing!?” he insists. Wellllll as this is happening, we are seeing the half ass’ed computerized sewing job on his gift in the other room…. so for starters, the sewing is pretty crappy on your gift for baby Palmer, Craig.

Lucky for Craig, a bigger douche enters the room, 9 hours late to the party.  JD! This time, with estranged wife Elizabeth.

DUN DUN DUN.  It’s very awkward how late they arrive and then after a bit Liz is like “oh, is there a theme or something?!” What??? Were you invited to this party, or no?? Elizabeth shakes a finger at Naomi for her ‘tude towards JD and Noami flicks her off as they walk out after what seems 10 minutes since they arrived.

editors note : They were playing season one of Southern Charm on Bravo and I got to watch it on my flight last weekend – it was the episode where Kathryn is late and they drunkenly go to get a pregnancy test…. the whole thing was just so good.  I need to re-watch season one!! And two for that matter!
PS. I would have bet my life Cameron’s stomach was a fake if I didn’t know better…..

:: New Bachelor Show: The Proposal :: 
The Bachelor producers are at it again.  This time with something separate from the actual Bachelor, called The Proposal.  The only real Bachelor link is host Jesse Palmer.  Other than Jesse Palmer, who post Bachelor was hosting the cooking contest show that no one watches on Food Network (again, I watch anything, but no thanks……)  before finally finding a spot on GMA, it’s a completely different premise.

“The series will follow ten eligible daters as they attempt to woo a mystery suitor or suitress “with their words in a first impressions round; bare their souls in a beachwear round; answer the mystery suitor’s most pressing romantic questions; and strive to receive a seal of approval from the mystery suitor’s most trusted family member in the final round.” (Yes, beachwear round, whatever the hell that means.) Oh, and did we mention the daters will never see the suitor’s face? Twist!”

…. it better be a hell of a lot better than Winter Games…. and it better be as great as Bachelor in Paradise…. or else don’t waste our time ABC!! editors note: Lies, you know I am still totally watching the show no matter what. 

:: BH Reunion ::

I don’t even care to comment on much….. how pathetic is that?!
This better ONLY be a 2 part reunion, because they are NUTS if they think this season warranted a 3-parter. (a simple google will answer if it’s two or three, but ya know….. #lazy)
I kept wondering where I had seen Rinna’s hair before and then my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen mentions Playboy hair and I’m like YES!

Dorit is trying too hard, as ALWAYS – in life, fashion, EVERYTHING.

LVP is wearing a sparkled dress…… AGGAINNNNN…..
One looks shockingly similar but a slightly different shade to a previous reunion dress….

and if memory serves me, she worse that sparkly dress in a ton of her interviews that season too.
SERIOUSLY?!?!?! COME ON LISA.
(dress from past reunion and all interview/diary sessions…. I mean HONESTLY?!?!)

And sorry not sorry, but I’m done with Erika.
Luckily my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen, who usually never calls any of his fav ladies on anything and will just suck up,  calls Erika out that YES it’s weird that your husband hasn’t read your book. She acts like “it just came out….”  Ummmmm you’ve had copies of the book for MONTHS girlfriend.

I’m just over her.
And over all of them really.
Love Kyle, but still, this season sucked and NO ONE could care less about the dorit-LVP-Kyle triangle.  No one.  How many effs? None.  Not one.
now that damn song is stuck in my head….. 

The only entertaining thing the entire night was Rinna doing “eff you Jeremy”…… and that was all of 10 seconds…..

:: Southern Charm : New Orleans ::

I don’t understand this show …… why are we focusing on all these men? Don’t they know it’s pretty much women watching this show? Watching men paint two naked women and then 20 women file in through the front door all at once?

What? This painter guy was a douche the whole episode, talking in riddles, and now he just took it to a whole new level.  This guy is so desperate for attention and thinks he is God’s gift to women I want to barf.

And seriously….. the naked shower scenes have GOT to STOP Bravo.
Watching Kristin Doute clean sand out of her lady bits on VR was one thing, but grown men leg and ass shots??

Like, full blown close up where I can identify a mark on the man’s right butt check because the zoom is so close to his ass crack? SERIOUSLY?

Know your audience (TARGET DEMO)! I don’t need to see a random man’s ass crack, especially for that long and THAT CLOSE to my damn eyeballs.  Gross….

:: Vanderpump Rules ::

We’re back at the Jax and Brittany break-up and to be honest, I’m just over it.  He is such a faker with everything.  He does this woe is me every season acts like he is damaged and unworthy but it’s all just an act.  I mean, he’s damaged and unworthy of Brittany of course, but everything he does is just an act for the cameras because he knows how to keep a story line going.   He couldn’t care less and is definitely not even close to being self-aware enough to actually think and feel those things.
AND we all know that Brittany will keep yelling “RAWT IN HELL JAX” and then keep going straight back to him.
I’d rather watch DJ James Kennedy doing his “one two one two one two two one” or whatever the heck his “song” is than watch Jax at this point.

He also always has to add in vulgar commentary (they all tend to do this on this show…..) and be like “OH and ps we had sex last night AND this morning and then I dumped her but really it’s just about getting off, ya know???”

Kristin and her boyfriend briefly discuss her sketch 7 AM night with her ex James Kennedy in Mexico, but Carter seems to blow right past it.  Well, takes a crazy to date a crazy I suppose?

Tom Squared go to meet Jax at his hotel room where he is pretending to care about someone else the breakup.  Tom that shaves his eyebrow says ” Dude I was on a date man…..”  Um.  No you weren’t.  You were sitting with Ariana’s brother, your third roommate, talking about buying a house in Los Angeles….. and based on the fact that you can’t turn on the microwave with the AC running I’m GUESSING this house hunting is just a bunch of BS.  (and yeah….. I know real estate… I watch a lot of HGTV and MDLA).
The talk goes from sex with Brittany (we GET IT) back to Jax’s fake job and I can’t.  Carole + the Marathon mention is the drinking game for RHONY and I swear this damn job that never existed should be it for this one……

Arianna and Tom go house hunting for like a multi-million dollar home (again, I’m an expert…. HGTV and ALL Bravo Real Estate Shows… but seriously – this house is a fortune).  How does one dress for an expensive home that you cannot afford?

Like Julia Roberts pre-hooker-makeover in Pretty Woman.  Naturally.
Tom has goals, though.  He really just wants “to have something that’s ours besides a credenza”. They then cut to Ariana’s brother in a banana hammock only walking through their living room.
Tom get’s so excited seeing the future he’ll never have in this home.  He says “Ughhh DUDE… it’s like THE BEGINNING dude.  We can like, like, like do this!”
editors note : Nevermind… we should drink every time Tom says dude, and drink twice for every time he calls his girlfriend dude.

Between this fake house hunt and the fake investment in Tom Tom…. Tom is really on a high. “Opening up my own bar has been 10 years in the making…….” I mean…. I really can’t.  These two idiots really think that they are restaurateurs opening their own bar.

Just IMAGINE what this place would look like if it was up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumber!?! Picking out the staff uniforms is the least of the concerns, but the flashback of Face-Shaving-Tom’s fashion choices over the years on this show is just……WOW.

Speaking of fashion, I am in love with Stassi’s tortoise shell hair cuff as she sets up for Lala’s performance.

I really want to make fun of Lala and this rap/singing/whatever…. and I am, but she sounds decent and I too distracted by how INSANE her body is.  I want to make some comments, but honestly, there are so many bravo-lebrities who are FAR worse than this making “music”.  And I am far more offended by her potty mouth than I am by her music.

Speaking of bravo-lebrities making horrible sounds,  Scheana isn’t jealous of Lala.  No, of course not.  ROB DOESN’T LIKE KISSING AND SHE HATES ROSES WHY WOULD BE BE JEALOUS?!
I am reminded by a wonderful flashback scene of Scheana’s musical debut which Stassi perfectly recaps as “tone deaf in a tutu on stage.”  Lala is inspiring her to create a “Good as Gold Part II”.

:: RHONY ::

We continue the breakfast battle at LuAnn’s over divorce (Sonja) versus death (Dorinda).

As much as I love seeing Dorinda fly off the handle and get her pointy fingers in there, it just was so unnecessary based on what Sonja was saying.  (I feel like Sonja says worse at dinner later and Dorinda remains far more calm).
Still…. I love it…… she’s not wrong for being pissed, but damn!

I don’t know what’s better at Ramona’s dinner party – the antics or the outfits.
Carole takes the cake so we can start with her.  She walks in wearing a full tattoo bodysuit with leather shorts.  I mean……

Bethenny comes in wearing an insane sweater and crazy jacket, and her boyfriend Dennis is wearing the ugliest sweater I have ever laid eyes on.

Then LuAnn comes in wearing a pink sweater with like sea creature tentacles on it and has switched her hair back to the braids.  I had thought the first time she wore it in braids was because she had the braids under her giant wig the night before, but clearly not.  Perhaps on a beach vacation (still – NO) but wintertime in the Hamptons??? Ummmmm NO

I’m glad that when Bethenny starts making fun of the acid trip outfits she includes herself. It’s the commentary on episodes like tonight that I am love Bethenny.

Now, in case you didn’t remember that this was meant to be a party for Carole, allow her to remind you 27 times.
Between the cat fights we have some serious MARATHON  (just DRINK x 12) talk. Carole is very disappointed in the lack of CAROLE RAN THE MARATHON focus that this party has from the moment she walks through the front door.  WHY does Carole think there should be marathon decorations? What-theactual-F? Even if this party really WERE about Carole and not Ramona (as if that would ever happen), did she seriously expect marathon “memorabilia”?!?
WHAT ON EARTH MARATHON MEMORABILIA DOES SHE WANT THERE!?!?
WHAT THE ACTUAL F WOULD THAT EVEN BE?!?!
SERIOUSLY.  WHAT. I cannot stand her.
“I thought it was a marathon party, but it’s a family style buffet.”
What???? What marathon related meal are you supposed to eat!?
Those squirt pouches you pull out of your underwear on long runs??? Electrolyte cocktails? WHAT?
and seriously, WHAT MEMORABILIA?!
Can we go back to talking about Baby 1 and Baby 7 and that damn ugly sofa?!
anyways….
NO WAIT.  not anyways…..
ALSO.  Why if you really wanted a marathon theme everything are you wearing
A FULL TATTOO BODYSTOCKING?!?!?
k…. NOW anyways…..

LuAnn asks how Bethenny and Dennis how they met (Bethenny’s face is pure gold) and we all know  SHE’S THE ONE THAT SAID SHE KNEW HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR.
I just love it.

Then the Sonja fight we all know is brewing comes to a head.
Dorinda starts the fight by calling Sonja a liar about dating Rocco, and then Tinsley chimes in.  Sonja deserves what’s coming with Tinsley though for saying all the awful stuff about her behind her back and now to her face.
The whole Tinsley storming off to write a check is a bit much….. simmer down.

A cake comes out to celebrate Carole and the damn marathon (DRINK so much you don’t hear her talk about it because you go deaf….. seriously….. let’s do it) and even with her name on the cake and everything she’s like “nice try….. not a  marathon party.”
GUYSSSSSSS. I can’t stand her.

….. we’re like 4 weeks in and I still cant get over Sonja’s red dress ssmoky eye confessional/diary look…. it’s so awful. 

:: Wendy McLovin Covey on WWHL // Atlanta Reunion ::
I don’t think I have talked about my obsession with Wendy McLovin Covey enough on these parts…..I need to dedicate an entire post to her.  And to The Goldbergs, one of the greatest shows on television. I love her so much.

She was on WWHL after the Atlanta Reunion Finale with one of the girls (Gizele?) from Real Housewives of Potomac.  I got to see some highlights from the Atlanta Reunion and two favorite moments were : One of them yelling at Kim to fix her double chin the next time she’s at her plastic surgeons office, and Kim making the most confused “whatever” face with seven chins.

I also loved an entire camera crew having to follow Kim into the bathroom when she cries to my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen that the reunion was awful and he just DGAF.

Wendy McLevin Covey explains that so many housewives have Vicki Gunvalson Syndrome and this needs to become a legit diagnosis.  LOVE HER.
and seriously…. The Goldbergs.  GET. ON. IT.

It’s one of the funniest shows I’ve ever seen.  I laugh so hard my stomach hurts.
The episode this season about them going to dinner as a family is the funniest thing I have seen in all of 2018.

:: RH of Potomac ::
I think I’m going to hop on this bandwagon….. and skip season 1? I’ve heard that I should watch, but don’t need to see season 1, and after seeing a little bit from WWHL I’m interestd.

:: Christina Carpool Kareoke :: 

I meannnnnnn I am SO ready for a new album from Christina Aguilera.  Her voice is just INSANE.  I feel like I should start doing a Throwback Thursday in Coffee Talk?! Or a Flashback Friday on Friday’s? So today’s #TBT is the greatest music videos of all time : Come On Over. Literally the first note of the song alone and I’m like
YYAAAAASSSSSSSSS.

:: TBT ::
(I know I’m posting this late, but I had it ready for Thursday, so we’ll stick with it!)

:: Jackhole of the Week :: Scarlett and Colin ::

I never saw this one coming….. I feel like this won’t last, but hey, what do I know….

OH WAIT. I do know that her back tatt was as great of an idea as it was for Ben Affleck.

:: Mazel of the Week :: 

DWTS double Mazel’s of the week.
I love DWTS and also love Shark Tank, so I loved when Robert and his dance partner Kym got together in real life and got married.  They just welcomes twins!
I had no idea that Cheryl Burke was dating Matthew Lawrence and that they used to date years ago?! I like them together they look cute.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews