DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: SOUTHERN CHARM :: 

We open with an update from Craig, who is debuting his claw cast and using it as a sock puppet animal, having full blown conversations with his left hand.  If you forgot, he injured it from stabbing a wall with a butter knife. Naturally.

Meanwhile, the other gimp Naomi is putting a trash bag over her boot to walk the beach and talking to Dani about how she manipulates her instagram stories to stir the pot.  How is Naomi, or exuse me N’omi as Craig calls her, not a full time cast member with a mindset like that?  Naomi also drops the bomb that Kenzie accidentally called Kathryn “Ashley.”  Yiiiiiikes.

Austen has been brewing his own beer and brings Craig to have the first taste.  He might as well have brought me to taste beer.  Craig surrrre has a real palate for beer, and while Austen says things like “hints of citrus”, Craig says “it like…. wood.  Like a woody flavor.”  Wow.  Sounds delicious.  He then follows it up with “I’m a bud light college beer drinker.” Perhaps he should stick to the automated sewing machine and Austen should find another unemployed friend for the initial taste, like Shep!!
We get an update from Cameron since she had baby Palmer saying she was crying uncontrollably the second night home form the hospital.
editors note : Hate to say it, because I do love her, but I haven’t missed her at all this season…. now that T-Rav will be gone though we’ll need her back for sure.

Craig and Kathryn get together for lunch.  One of Thomas’ 9,000 bad qualities is that he is always trying to keep Kathryn at arms length and flirt with her when he is with someone else, and his latest move is sending her poerty.  The only thing that makes me want to vomit more is if it were french and I had to hear his horrible french accent saying it out loud. Craig speaks for all of American when he says that TrAshley clearly came to Charleston expecting a one way ticket.  Kathryn must get such smug satisfaction out of knowing he isn’t going to give her anything.  (I know from instagram trolling she is finally back working  – at least sometimes – as nurse)

Meanwhile, Thomas is raving about TrAshley to Whitney and says he is going to get her a promise ring. (barf.) Luckily, Whitney has decided to do more this season and giggle at Thomas’ antics and check in on his mother and actually respond the way a normal human would and says ” didn’t you want to dump her last week? now you’re getting her promise ring?”  I guarantee she’ll give him some hideous face or want to smack him upside the head when she realizes it’s a piece of jewelry and not an engagement ring.

On to more important things, like CRAIG’S. PILLOW.
I’m dying.  Craig walks into the sewing shop to meet up with his BFF Pam, the 65 year old seamstress (we’ll just go with Pam, the name is irrelevant).  And EVEN PAM is ready to die .

He shows a print out of his pillow design using a STOCK PHOTO that came with the software.  As in CLIP ART. Like, clip art from what we used in middle school on the giant house laptop.  Not even a current stock photo or graphic design.  I CANNOT.  This is SO GOOD.
again….. I don’t need much in an hour of television to keep me tuning in….. this 60 seconds of Craig’s pillow design makes it more than worth it. 

Shep and Kathryn meet up for an awkward round of friends bowling together.  Turns out, Shep and I have something in common: sometimes when I have four drinks, I’m an amazing bowler, too.

I really cannot handle the “dating” awkwardness that is going on between these two when Kathryn drops A BOMB:   Shep and Kathryn hooked up AFTER KENZIE WAS BORN.  A FEW TIMES. WHAT?!?!?! The only reason I am okay with all of this is because I can’t wait to see how awkward she is about this at the reunion.  Otherwise, STAY AWAY.  This is SUCH a bad idea.

TrAshley returned from her trip to California, and it turns out her and T-Rav still can’t stand each other and are fighting like lunatics.  Shocker.

Austen is ready to debut his beer, but basically we’re all just ready to see how his current girlfriend handles being around Chelsea after she made a HUGE to do about her using Austen’s skinny bod to block the wind on a boat.  (i.e. We now know that was strategically planned instastory per Naomi’s prior confession).

AGAIN Naomi arrives to the beer garden in black jeans and a moto jacket looking just perfectly adorable.  Dani strolls in behind her in a green tee shirt. I JUST CAN’T. And not, like, a cute “tee” like Austen’s sister has on.  Like, it looks identical to the free t shirt Kip got for a charity bike ride last summer.  I get that it’s a beer garden, but the amount of times she looks like she rolled out of bed or is a 23 year old heading to hungover brunch post college is just not okay.  Not. Okay. Sorry not sorry.
but I digress……. 

Chelsea arrives and Austen wraps her in a big bear hug, picks her up and she semi-wraps her legs around him. I meannnnn JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY.  Please!!!!

JD (ughhhh) strolls in with his horrible laugh, and starts drinking the beer like “Uhhhh.  I’m picking up….. like a…… a citrus or something” and says it as though he is a genius and is the only person there that is able to identify that. He and Thomas are meant for eachother.   I’m explaining this horribly, but the gist is that JD is SUCH AN ASS.  He asks what Thomas and TrAshley got into last night and Thomas replies “A fight”. HA!

Kathryn walks in, and as Thomas creepily stares her up and down move.  TrAshley literally stands behind Thomas saying DON’T STARE.  Ha!!! I cant with these two. She’s SUCH a lunatic!!!!

But to distract from my dislike of TrAsh, let’s move over to Victoria, Austen’s girlfriend.  The moment Victoria walks in, Chelsea is yelling hi to her and she just runs straight by.  I meannnnn.  I can’t stand Victoria.  I’m saying it.
Chelsea was the one that dated Austen FIRST.  Victoria is the one that is now going and dating her “friends” ex boyfriend.  So why the H E L L is Victoria acting like Chelsea is the bad guy?!?! If you can’t handle your boyfriend being friends with his ex, don’t start dating your friends ex that she is still friendly with!! Ya know?!

Does she REALLY not know that SHE is the one in the wrong? And that Chelsea is the one being nice and kind about it?!
Later that day, after Victoria tries to barricade herself from Chelsea and not let her friends leave – as if Chelsea is some big bad monster, Chelsea makes her way over to be sweet and says “let’s go talk” and Victoria just squeals out a “nooooooooo” and tries to avoid her.  Girl. You are so immature.  You and TrAshley need to go hang out in the corner together and get off of my television screen.   (but I mean… not really…. for my entertainment please stay…..)

Meanwhile, over in the corner, TrAshley has no one to talk to except Thomas, so she decides to confide in Craig, who clearly can’t stand her.  After snarking “who’s Kathryn?” (good one TrAsh) she starts telling him  “Thomas and I are struggling”  – as if he cares – and all of this is said with NO voice, which tell ms they were SCREAMING at each other last night.  I mean sure, could her voice have been lost another way? Yes.  Do I think there is any other possible way this lunatic lost her voice other than screaming? No.

OH! And at the end of the tasting, Whitney strolls in wearing a fur collar coat.  I meannnnn I can’t.
At least he put some though into his lewk unlike someone else we know……

Needless to say,  I am VERY excited for tonight’s episode, as always.

:: The Bachelorette :: 

Back for another week of Becca making the worst fashion decisions in the history of the Bachelorette……

Jordan, the male “model” who is one of “only 200” male Wilhemina models and who has “over 4,000 matches”  and a “100% success rate” on Tinder, is back for another week of attempting to beat Chad as the worst villain in Bachelorette history.  Jordan says he talks to God regularly, and sometimes when people go against him, they end up falling out of bunk beds. I meannnn. Brutal Jordan.  I feel so bad for David – who broke his nose falling out of the top bunk all for nothing because Becca is never going to end up with him. I hope he gets a triumphant return on Bachelor in Paradise.  Because I literally can’t get over it…. his FACE caught his fall from the top bunk.  I can’t.

So, we start this week with a rose ceremony because of a to be continued last week.  At the rose ceremony, the blonde laywer Nick is in a tracksuit and I have absolutely no idea what is going on!? This is why we cant do To be Continued’s….. I have no recollection of this….. although, who cares…..

Another week, another cute guy I have barely seen sent home.  Damn! This brunette guy was hot! But yeah, let’s keep Leo with more hair than Becca has over him – because that make sense.  I understand why we keep the Jordan’s around, but seriously what is the point of keeping Leo?!

Off to Park City, Utah we go.
Ugh. The snow locations are always just LOADS of fun.

Becca is on a one-on-one date with Garrett.  He was the one that got the first impression rose and she is clearly obsessed with him.  he’s also the one with a very questionable “like” history on instagram. He confesses that he was married in the past and they separated after only two months of marriage. Becca’s over it in like .2 seconds and ready to make out in front of screaming tween Bach fans.

I feel like Garret’s got to be final 2….. and I feel like he may be who she picks at the end of all of this?!  Especially because nothing was said on her part/ABC part when things came out about his instagram like situation?! (don’t spoil this for me people! This show may suck but I still want no spoilers!)

Back at the cabin, Lincoln is arguing that the earth is flat.  That the earth is literally flat.  And like, a rectangle.
At length.  I can’t.

The group date is just another humiliating man competition.  I love that they make asses out of them slash I feel so bad for these guys. You know they’re giving each other so much sheyite.

In the most shocking turn of events ever, Jordan is capable of chopping the wood and the San Francisco tech nerd wins. Didn’t see that one coming……

Jean Blanc gives her a gift of a custom perfume blend and tells her he is falling in love with her.  She calls bullsheyite, and when she sends him home he asks for the perfume back.  This douche. Then he says that what he said back there (that he was falling in love with her) isn’t what he felt but what he thought she wanted to hear.  Becca then storms in the room of men act like him lying was the biggest deal in the whole world.  Over it……

Her second one-on-one is with Wills.  He’s the one I enjoyed greatly last week as he laughed his ass off at Jordan. He tried to eat her face way, way too much during their up against the wall makeout. But I think she liked it.

This week was very, very, very not worth two hours.
Next week is the real show stoppah. Vegas.

:: MTV Movie Awards :: 

Can someone explain to me why they filmed this all on one night and then aired it all two nights later?
How does the red carpet situation work for that?

The Vanderpump Rules cast takes home worst group ensemble by far.  They all look awful.
I just have to comment on the worst fashion of the evening : Miss Scheana Marie’s choice ensemble.

She has a KILLER bod, we all know that,
but this is not only hideous, trashy, and cheap looking – it also is horribly unflattering.

If that’s how she looks in that, I would look like a full blown stuffed sausage. What was she thinking?!
We also know, thanks to VPR episodes, that she has no tush and has been called out for wearing butt pads before…. and I’m not saying anything butt.……

Please, someone tell me if my Spanx line is ever as visible as a butt pad line.
ALSO.  Did we never discuss Jax and Brittany getting engaged?! I think this news came about on a Friday morning, and by the time the following week’s Coffee Talk came around I, per usual, forgot entirely to mention it.  She is A MORON if she marries him, but she will.  I just hope she doesn’t get knocked up before she changes her mind about him……

:: RHONY :: 
LuAnn is two days post rehab and has returned to her new apartment on the Upper West Side (with Rosé still stocked in the fridge).  Signs of Dorinda spending too much time with Carole are already presenting themselves: fingerless black leather gloves.

I hate to admit it – no I don’t – that I am kinda, sorta, REALLY excited for this episode to be “about Tom”.  Over the Holidays Ramona was in Palm Beach trying to call Tom to get invited to his New Years Eve party that was on the same yacht (the “we got the yacht” yacht) where Lu had her engagement party.   I meannnnn.  It’s not surprising…. it’s Ramona.  But still.  She has some serious nerve!

Carole says the ONLY funny thing she has EVER said – that the real crime was LuAnn appearing before the judge in that dress.

Lu tells her side of the story in the limo – which at this point we all know.
The second they arrive to their spa weekend – at the most gorgeous little “cottage” Mansion I’ve ever seen – they are greeted with champagne, pinot grigio, and rosé.  I am just waiting to see how much boozing these ladies do this weekend.

Turns out that while Ramona was begging for an invite to Tom’s NYE party, Tom had sent an invitation to his other ex, Sonja. As LuAnn would say, “very uncool”.
Also “uncool”, that Tinz had worked her ass off to get her mugshot way down the google search hole and lots of cute little party dresses at the top, but now because of Lu, it’s back up at the top.  Haaaa! Hilarious.

Ramona is such a fake and a liar – going on and on sucking up to LuAnn prior to dinner – and then LuAnn finally confronts her at dinner.  She goes round and round with excuses and finally says “Well, you didn’t even invite me to the wedding, so let’s call a spade a spade.”

And thennnnnn she posts a photo to instagram alerting the whole world that she left rehab and is surrounded by wine glasses on the table.  I can’t.

In the morning, Dorinda takes her 9,476th attack at Sonja over wearing the Morgan crest with a deer on her slippers.  Next week they go INTO IT over wether or not it is her “family” or not.  Dorinda needs to take it down 17 notches.

editors note : I can find zero pics to post, so embedding some clips from the episode instead! 

:: Tinz and Scott :: 
Are apparently “off” again but with the option to be “on” again……
I wonder if last week’s events had anything to do with this……

kidding…. I’m sure it didn’t…..
he seems to be well aware of Tinz’s crazy and embrace it……
but these two need to figure out if it’s OFF or ON for good already!

Peeeeee.Esssssss.
Topper just got remarried – and speaking of wedding dresses – YIKES is his brides dress a doozy.  (Makes me think of the classic housewives line, even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes……)  There were a few celeb friends in tow as well.

:: Mazel ::
I am SO excited that Giuliana is coming back to E!
Sooooooo excited.

:: Jackhole ::

Welp.  Apparently me again! First I said Ariana Grande and the SNL guy that built his career upon jokes about his dad dying in 9/11 (I know his name, it’s just not worth it…..) would never last and they got ENGAGED.  (I still stand behind the fact that this will not last.) And NOW, Princess Jasmine Ashley I and Jared got engaged.  I assumed thatt this may happen, but I was thinking they would at least wait until NEXT summer’s Bachelor in Paradise to do it. But when ABC and Neil Lane call, I suppose the instagram unemployed fame whores answer.

BACHELOR IN PARADISE – “Episode 504” (ABC/Paul Hebert)
ASHLEY IACONETTI, JARED HAIBON

But seriously, can we PLEASE not let everything that happens during Bachelor in Paradise be spoiled??! Because I LIVE FOR BIP.  And I like to try to be surprised by these instagram famewhores antics on a weekly basis.  Unlike the Bachelor/Bachelorette which is on year round and generally awful, this is the stuff I am ALL ABOUT.

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews