DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

Today is NOT my day.  I just spent an hour typing GARBAGE and ALL of my precious words of NONSENSE disappeared. 
AHHHHHH.  

:: The Bachelorette :: 

We’re down to the Final Four which means : Hometowns.

First up:  Garrett.
Garrett runs up to Becca with these little Dinosaur arms flailing about.  I cannot figure out what my eyes are seeing, but it isn’t good.
Also, there’s something about him that is just too….. feminine?…. sweet?…. not masculine enough with his mannerisms for my tastes?  I can’t be the only one seeing this?? Or maybe I’m just married to an ass that doesn’t look at me with googly eyes and I have a heart of ice…. hard to say…….

Garrett’s family is doing nothing but crying and talking about his ex.  We get it.  Clearly no one has moved on from this?!

Next up: Jason’s hometown in Buffalo. He’s the real underdog, but he apparently is such a good kisser that she can’t help but wonder what else he’s great at and keep him around.   They go to a wing eating contest.  Pure Romance.  Kidding, its the worst date ever because apparently ranch isn’t allowed in Buffalo.  I’d like BOY BYE.  No one gets between me and my ranch.

The most important thing I take from this hometown is that his brother is giving me full blown Darren Chris in The Assassination of Versace vibes from the moment he graced the screen.  They literally are the same person, which is creeping me out because Darren Chris was RULL creepy in that docu-series.

Third hometown visit goes to Blake.  Blake doesn’t do it for me physically, but because I think he is just the sweetest little thing I now find him attractive.  Ah, men.  They have it so easy.  It’s like, buy me a cheeseburger and I think you’re hot.  But I digress….. Blake is adorable but this members only jacket at dinner is just a HARD NO.  You look like a goon. Also…. I am just realizing something : I know they don’t eat on dates on the show, but do they not eat at THESE Hometown Dates too?!?!  Because everyones plated identically and every meal is completely untouched.  Mind blown.

Final Date : Colton.

Colton is so hot that he honestly may be the hottest guy that has ever been on the show.  I am NOT digging his extra long white tee this evening, but still.  His daytime date is to see the sick children at the hospital?! I meannnn.  No one this sweet and great and wonderful of a catch goes on The Bachelor(ette)….. I don’t get it.  Something is fishy.  He claims that Becca is the first girl he’s taking home, which I know 100% is a lie because of one Miss Aly Raisman.

Becca’s “best friends” are back for some girl talk about the guys, aka to promote the August 7th premiere of BIP and keep them relevant  (seriously, BIP can’t come soon enough….)
Although I love BIP, I can do without this new cast of losers, especially Baby Becca.  Ugh. But I digress…..

Right as Becca brings up Colton, Tia’s like “yeah girl can we talk.”   She pulls her outside and says she hasn’t been able to stop thinking about him.  (for the uninformed, Tia and Colton went on a date/dated/barely dated who knows before the show started, with a strong chance of him believing Tia was going to be the Bachelorette). Ummmm you already came on the show and gave your blessing and said he was all Becca’s? This Tia situation is BS.  Is this fake and orchestrated by the producers or what? What could have possibly gone on between Tia and a Virgin if they went on like ONE date?? I hope this was orchestrated because by the producers for a dramatic moment because otherwise Tia is a real beyotch.

Pee. Ess.  Betches did some digging on the timeline of Tia and Colton and I still can’t figure out what the truth is.

Rose ceremony time.  Blake looks awful in this all black suit and giant red bow tie.  Garrett is also donning all black.  Uh.  I can’t deal with Bachelor fashion choices every season – but I guess I shouldn’t judge because Becca’s constant Bedazzling despite the location/climate/setting is the absolute worst.  Colton looks like Tom Cruise in a navy suit with a black crew neck tee, yet, still totally hot.
Colton walks up to shake Chris Harrison’s hand and is like “nice to see you-soooooo next week do I have to have sex to Becca? Because, in case you all haven’t advertised it enough or in case the viewers are deaf dumb and blind, I need to reiterate that I am a virgin.  So being a virgin, the fantasty suit is like, different.  What are the expectations, ya know, since I’m a virgin and all?”  SERIOUSLY!?!?

I love that after two roses being handed out Chris STILL has to interrupt and be like THIS IS THE FINAL ROSE.

Really? It is?  There weren’t 15 or anything, but thanks Chris.  I hope next week she hands out one rose and he immediately comes up and says “Gentleman, Becca, this is the final rose this evening” before she hands out the second rose.

In a play I didn’t see coming, but maybe should have with that Tia moment, Colton gets sent home.  I feel so bad for Colton, he can barely lift his eyes up to look at her.  Although….. I think he is likely just as crappy as the rest of these guys – and after dating Aly and Tia right before the show I don’t know why I fall for his BS.
I wonder how much of this has to do with Tia and her involvement in the situation?
But Becca doesn’t seem upset to be sending him home?

We’re down to three -aka – we’re one week closer to Bachelor in Paradise.

Also, you may enjoy Jimmy Kimmel’s commentary I just came across.

:: RHOC :: 

The OC ladies are back, and it’s time to see what Vicki’s face looks like this time and we’re all keeping our fingers crossed that season is better than last.  Because last season was just terribly boring and awful.

We kick it off with Tamra.  Eddie is awaiting heart surgery.  They decide to move into their house at the same time so he can recover in a construction zone.  Because that makes sense.   Tamra is just so ready to get into a bigger house she can’t stand it.  Tamra and Eddie have taken notes from Kyle and Mauricio on the hat product placement.  Correction, on hat, tee, tank, everything product placement at once.  They are going to put Mauricio to shame and I’m going to want to lose my mind over it this season.

Cut to Vicki and her face life updates.  I don’t understand how her face looks different every. single. time.  I saw her promoting the show this week on E! and she looks a million times different AGAIN from what they are showing in this episode. When they play old episodes it’s insane how different she looks over the years.  But I digress….more than that, I cannot handle her and her psychotic stage 5 clinger codependency on men.  It’s pathetic.  Sorry not sorry.  And she’s doing exactly what she did to Brooks to this Steve Lodge guy.  I love that Steve Lodge sounds like a completely made up name, and I would thought he was an imaginary person at first….. if he wasn’t in every single scene with her and every single public outing and press gig standing behind the camera being her beyotch, and constantly being berated by her about marriage.  She’s speaking in third person hammering him with questions about when “he will change his address to let everyone know he’s living with Vicki Gunvalson. Vicki Gunvalson doesn’t like to live alone.”  We know Vicki.  WE KNOW.
I can’t talk about her any more she makes me insane……. moving on…..

Now to Shannon.  Shannon and David are divorced and she is as emotional as ever. “I’ve gone from 14,000 square feet to 4,000 square feet”.  Maybe don’t lead with that one Shannon???   Then she says that unfortunately her girls know about the affair.  Uh, no crap!  You had your marital problems all in the open at every family meal with camera crews following along.
Her and David have a very tense relationship through text only.  OH, and if you have been living under a rock, google the text message war with Jeff Lewis when all texts were revealed on his podcast.  It’s great. 

David is dating someone 20 years younger. Shannon was stunned he would do something like this 2 months after separating.  HELLO SHANNON.  He was with someone WHILE he was married? Why on earth would he wait? and according to Tamra and instagram timestamps…. he didn’t…. 

Cut to Kelly, who also has gotten divorced and sold the beach mansion since last season. She says dating post divorce is easy – its like fishing with dynamite. Which for Kelly, I do not doubt.   Kelly, unlike Shannon, is loving her downgraded/downsized pad – which is a two bedroom townhouse – still on the beach.   And I firmly believe she really does.  I think I’m going to really like Kelly this season…..

Shannon and Vicki meet up for coffee – and the two of them being friends is not a good idea.  Anyone being friends with Vicki is not a good idea.  Friends do not run their mouths about big marital secrets like domestic abuse.  Vicki is evil. Shannon talks about her weight being “stress” which is ironic because I though it was VICKI GUNVALSON.

A great example of Vicki being the WORST is going to dinner with Kelly and her TWELVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER and sitting and talking about adult things in front of a 6th grader.  These women are unreal. Shame on both of them.

We meet the new housewife, Emily. She’s a lawyer and has 3 small children. I am very thrown when we meet her husband,  Shane.  Perhaps it’s him walking in to the kitchen at dinnertime with a backpack and a brown paper bag, shuffling his feet like a child? Or that he drinks ORANGE JUICE with his dinner that she has cut up for him? WTF is going on?! And it’s only amplified by Emily sharing that he asked if she wanted to marry him over Google Chat. I CANNOT. Then they can’t find their 3 year old son and say “maybe he went out through the garage” as though it’s like “maybe there’s more pretzels in the pantry?”.  No thanks.  Hard Pass. But I’ll try to wait til episode 3 to judge the newbies (Ha! Yeah right……)

The ladies venture off for ropes course and make 17 COMMENTS about how none of them trust each other one bit.  Shannon is the comic relief yelling “ONE” with whats a lot of sex and “I DONT HAVE A CORE” to “use your core” on the ropes course.

Before the ladies even begin the ropes course, Vicki falls off a bench and crashes to the ground. It’s almost as good as the clips of her waddling in her heels, which they did not include in her montage of falling on camera, but trust me – the waddling in heels is perfection.

:: Lu’s Back In Rehab ::

So I’m the worst and still haven’t seen last nights episode of RHONY, BUT I cannot believe the news of Lu back in rehab! I was pretty shocked?! There had been talk about her drinking during some of her public appearances, but it seems like the family lawsuit was the latest new right before she went away.

The Count had visited with her kids for the 4th of July and even though she posted a happy instagram it then came out that they were suing her over her Hamptons property.  Who knows….
BUT she went to rehab the day before the reunion filmed, so she won’t be filming at the reunion.  DAMNIT!

:: Southern Charm Savannah :: 

The second season of Southern Charm Savannah has arrived, and to be honest, it’s even worse than the first.  This show can’t hold a candle to THE REAL Southern Charm.  But whatever…. I have no life…. so here I am…..

We left off last season with Catherine rejecting a proposal from Lisle by saying “no no no no no no” about 42 times in case he didn’t get the point with the first No.  It was difficult to understand if they were even dating last season when he proposed, and five months post proposal it’s the same thing.  No clue what the deal is between these two, but Catherine makes me crazy.

Hannah dumped her boyfriend of 5 years Louie.  If you recall, Hannah’s dad is a complete ass and probably made her life hell after she saw the episode he was on last season, but she doesn’t comment on it.  She seems to have given Louie an ultimatum to change/get his act together and I just want to shake her.  If he hasn’t changed in 5 years, he ain’t changing now! Don’t let your Daddy Issues take over Hannah! LOCK IT UP.

catherines gay designer friend is a new character brandon

louie and hannah broke up

There is a new 24 year old girl to cast named Hagood.  Now…. I know her parents chose the name, not her, but still.  Hagood? What?!  She’s a Southern belle who knows how to hang with the boys and skin a catfish.  She went to SCAD for art but her family owns a rice plantation.  She currently is working on developing a Sake, which she pronounces as Say-Kay.  Now…. I have never in my life heard anyone pronounce it the way she is? Am I an idiot? Or is she pulling a Giada DeLaurentis and taking a word and saying it in a way that is correct but that no American would ever say??

This compilation of Giada’s pronunciations is hilarious. 

One thing that drives me nuts with this show – WHY do they act like they are the only Southern place in the entire world? I can understand when they comment on something like cheese straws and it being a Southern party necessity, but they take ANYTHING and go ON AND ON AND ON.  To say  “cocktails are very important for a Southerner” it’s like for the love of God WE ALL DRINK COCKTAILS.  EVERYONE.  THE WHOLE COUNTRY.   The south does not own cocktails. Sorry.

Oh, and I don’t miss the short blonde haired girl Ashley one bit.

:: Very Cavallari ::

Are any of you watching Very Cavallari on E!?

Turns out, Jay Cutler is even MORE of a douche bag than all of Chicago thought.  I mean, wow.  All of Chicago couldn’t stand him but he really is THE WORST.  Kristin’s nickname for him of Les Mis is correct, but who the hell wants to marry Les Mis?!

Oh, and the redhead is an uber bitch and is making me insane.

:: Mini Coffee Talk :: 
In case you missed it, I did a mini coffee talk last Friday discussing last weeks RHONY and the Southern Charm Finale!
I cannot wait to see Part I of the Southern Charm Reunion tonight!

:: Jackhole ::
Can GGTD go off the air already so that I can stop watching it?
IT’S TERRIBLE.

:: Mazel of the Week :: 
I just saw my first commercial for Crazy Rich Asians.

Who wants to do a girls night in August (reclining movie chair necessary)!?!
I think even if it’s awful I’ll love it just to see how grand they make all the parties and homes that I read about in the book!

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews