DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES……

:: Bachelorette :: 

Finally The Bachelorette has come to an end, and we can focus on the degenerates of Bachelor in Paradise. It’s down to Garrett and Blake, and I am fully team Blake.  There is just nothing masculine about Garrett to me, and I said this every week far before watching him cry 17 times in this episode over literally anything and everything.  I cannot.  The only thing worse is his speech about eagles in his chest.

All along I though that it would be Blake with ONE exception.  When news broke right as the shore aired about Garrett liking those awful instagram meme’s, she did a statement.  I figured she wouldn’t give a statement unless he was a final contender or the winner.  BUT.  Until Becca kept saying “all along I thought it was Blake but now…..” I had totally thought it would be Blake, but alas, the first boat contained a sweaty, sweaty, Blake.

editors note : anyone been watching long enough to remember one of the early Bachelor days when the guy proposed to the first girl, and then she went and stood in the stairwell of a mansion in front of windows and WATCHED him dump the second girl? Hard Core. Like my dedication to this damn show. 

She has ZERO emotion while dumping Blake.  Not a single tear.  The hunching over and holding her head in her hands afterwards while saying “I can’t breath” ain’t fooling me girlfriend.
But Blake makes up for her lack of tears in spades.

THIS MAKES ME SO SAD.  I meannnn.  If it were Garrett I’d be like WE GET IT CRY BABY, but Blake didn’t cry all night like Garrett did.

Ugh….. whatever Blake. You’re better than them!!!!

I hope Becca is drunk at this After the Final Rose because the amount of yelling and screaming of YEAH!!!!! is embarrassing.  So much obnoxious childish yelling while Garrett just sits there with the same “what’s going on? huh?” brainless smile on his face.

FINALLY 2.75 hours into “the damn thing” Chris asks Garrett about the instagram likes.  Garrett rattles off a very rehearsed speech that ABC coached him through and doesn’t necessarily apologize for it or say that he was liking things that he didn’t believe, but rather says he’s sorry for offending anyone.  Basically it’s a Vicki Gunvalson apology.
Oh puh-lease!!!!
These two aren’t even going to last long enough to get their money back on their Costco membership.
Also, WORST ring I’ve ever seen chosen.  Ev.ever.
and also, ABC: SHOW US THE RINGS.  Do you know how many women sit through hour upon hour of this crap?! SHOW US ALL FOUR NEIL LANE RINGS DAMMIT!

:: Bachelor in Paradise ::

The fame whore losers singles have gathered in the crab filled, 115 degree open air lack of air conditioned bunk beds of Mexico.
Example of these losers : David, the guy from the chicken suit who fell out of the top bunk  and smashed his face (yikes) but my sympathy for dissipates when I learn he lives at home with his mom and his mom is basically Corinne’s version of her live-in adult Nanny.

Thank Gawd Grocery Store Joe is part of this.  I love you Joe.  Joe for The Bachelor.  I’d watch a silent season of smiling joe for hours upon hours and it would be better than 90% of the garbage people ABC has put me through over the years.

Crystal arrives.  Crystal, is that what your voice sounded like for one single second on Arie’s season?

Joe….. you need to RUN LIKE THE WIND.
(insert Christopher Cross song “run like the wind, da da da, bum bum bum bum” even though most of you probably did not grow up knowing every word to song from your parents generation) 

Chelsea, the early mom-villian of Arie’s season who was overshadowed by Crystal’s Psychotic Tendencies, cozies up to drunken blonde lawyer guy but smartly decides to go to bed before any beach humping occurs.

Tia takes Chris on a date. HA.  I’d like to think this is because they went to Mexico to film paradise when only one episode had really aired of Becca’s season, but it’s Tia.  I think she’d have taken him anyway based on how into him she acts like she is during the date.  She’s immediately making out with him and saying “Colton who?!”

WELP, The Colton who arrives the next AM as she is morning-smooching on Chris. HA!
Colton ignores her entirely and then takes her on a date.
Everyone back at Crab Island is freaking out over Colton and ready to confront him when he returns.

But we’ll have to wait until the 4 hours of show next week to see what happens.
And I’m not complaining about the 4 hours per week….. I’ll take 6 of this over the 3 hours of the Bachelorette finale I just watched.

Wells, the bartender, is the only real winner of this.
Because he’s been dating Sarah Hyland in real life for awhile.
So there’s that……

:: Thomas and TrAshley :: 

Are they broken up?!? It seems like it?!
HOWEVER they were just spotted at lunch together this week.

I wonder if he threw his leftovers at her as they left?

:: RHOC :: 

The episode basically pertains to Kelly and Vicki making up over Vicki being the worst friend ever and double dating/being BFF with Kelly’s ex-husband, and then Kelly bringing it back up a few times.
Is there a worse woman in the RH World than Victoria Gunvalson?! The answer is surely no.  Other than the camera man cutting to her awkward waddling every chance they get, this week proving its not just heels when they show her waddling in sneakers, she serves no purpose and brings no joy to the show.

We also see Kelly’s recent date, a spinal surgeon with a facelift that is not to be believed, arrive at girls dinner only to make everyone lose their dinner as they are all over each other. Gross.  (Gross to be read in Kelly’s voice.)

:: RHONY :: 

We’re back from Cartagena, and the Boat Ride From Hell, but we’re still hearing ALL about the bowel movements.  Nonstop.

Photos of Sonja’s diaper and everything.  Bless her.  Sonja needs to never ever ever leave this show.
Ramona shows the reveal of her Hamptons renovations.  But I will say, although while LuAnn not so kindly bashed it, it’s a world of a difference compared to the changes she made to her NYC apartment which looked COMPLETELY the same.

Carole throws a party to celebrate the one page article that took her 2 months to write and makes it Marathon (DRINK!) themed.  Well… perhaps she called it athletic chic? But I’m pretty sure she meant Marathon Chic.  She’s throwing the party she wished Ramona had thrown her.  Heather is there who also ran the marathon with her (guzzle your glass!) Carole tells Adam she can’t go on a coffee date because she only drinks tea now, and I’m just thinking, does tea taste better with your newfound love for cigarettes?

Tinsley arrives in her Columbia chic and says that even though she doesn’t feel the need to bring it up every day she’s a smart girl.  Touche Tinz! Love it. Scott’s athletic costume is a business casual sweater over a button down.  Also love it.

Dorinda arrives looking amazing in a sexy jumpsuit.  The “Columbia Cleanse” is working wonders for these women.
editors note : must plan trip to Cartagena……. 

Ramona has a party to reveal her skincare line, complete with a gigantic Ramona portrait right when you walk in the door.  Of course.  And a giant poster of “Ramona-isms”.  I need to go back and pause on that one to see what gems are on that sign.
Sonja arrives with bags of her newest venture – her shoe line.  Oy.  Ramona handles it very well.
We cut to clips of Sonja and Ramona rehearsing for the Cabaret and I’m dying laughing.  The director is saying “I’m going to kill myself.”

Next week : The Cabaret and Finale!

:: Real Men Watch Bravo :: 
Jerry O’Connell – love him – had a new show coming to Bravo called Real Men Watch Bravo. People had a fit with it and now they are changing the name.
Bravo is the one thing uniting this country people!
Men watch, women watch, gay watch, straight watch, WE ALL WATCH BRAVO!
ALL OF US! It’s the Holy Grail and we all know it!!!!!
Simmer down now.

:: Mazel :: 
The Countess is out of her (second) rehab stint and back on stage performing her Cabaret Act.  Making jokes at her own expense like only Lu can. ” Revenge body and rehab darling” and “I loved rehab so much I went twice.” Carole attempted to add bitchy jabs regarding Lu by saying she should stick to her own addictions and her family.

I’d love to know what Carole is so busy with that she keeps mentioning…. because EVERY season she was on the show she wasn’t busy with a damn thing.

:: Jackhole ::

UHM.  Big Brother fans.
My jaw hit the floor when I got this news alert yesterday:
Big Brother Baby? Bayleigh thinks she may be pregnant with Swaggy C’s child.
I’ll just leave that right here…….

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:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors
whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

images from : bravo, giphy, us weekly, people, enews