DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES…….

 

:: LAST WEEKS RHONY ::
Bethenny arranges lunch at an Italian joint in the Bronx and these Mafia dudes have no idea what’s coming.  Dorinda is extremely hungover showing up to this lunch and it is incredible.  2 bottles of wine just to kick things off is definitely the right way to go!

It gets heated at lunch when Sonja tries to say that Dorinda and John had been parting of backing the Tipsy Girl line of Prosecco.  This really gets hungover/newly re-toxicated Dorinda going.

And Carole is correct in saying that when Dorinda is bad, she really is so good.  These mobsters could learn a few things from her.

I completely disagree will all commentary regarding Tinsley and her outfit.  It’s not a costume party – who cares if she is in a different neighborhood of New York, that’s how she dresses.  Only Bethenny changes her ensemble to some $4,000 thing she’ll never wear again for any occasion as though every day is halloween.  (Insert image of her ludicrous Halloween ensemble this season…. she is nuts.  Love her but nuts.)

We make it to Vermont where Bethenny has rented a log cabin for a skiing/half of them probably not skiing weekend.
Dorinda forgets all of her luggage – she really IS the gift that keeps on giving.

Ramona arrives and the episode is just obnoxious from that point on.  Kidding, but not really.  I just can’t stand her.  She gets going right away about the room situation and her and Sonja not having the best room and not having the double sink.   Why does she always have to get the best room? And does she really think Bethenny would give her of all people the best room?
She slinks up to Carole and does her breathy Valley Girl interrogation she’s been doing all season “uhmmm can i ask you a question…..”
Ramona, you are lucky Bethenny even allowed you to step foot into this mansion of a log cabin, so seriously shut up about the damn bedrooms! This place is like a palace in the woods.

SOMEHOW LuAnn takes the cake over Ramona for childish and bitchy room complaints!

Didn’t you all hear? LUANN IS MARRIED!
MARRIED!
So shouldn’t she be getting the best room? A “bridal suite”?
“I just got married! And nobody gave me a nice room?!” THE HORROR.

I swear to God if she brings up this wedding and treats it like a Sweet 16 and acts like a spoiled teen one more time.
She is DELUSIONAL.

Bethenny is hilarious this episode in her confessionals. I really love when she is on fire.

Ramona and Sonja are of course fashionably late to the dinner because they “only had one sink so it took us a little time to get ready.”

YOU’RE ALL IN TURTLENECKS.  And all you had to do to get to dinner was WALKL DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.  What do you have to do??? Throw some leggings on and push your boobs up to chin and go downstairs already.

Tinsley + Sonja’s roommate situation becomes a topic of conversation, and I must say ,I love the phrase “chaos in the townhouse”.   It’s like the name of a movie or a thriller I’ve been wanting to read “Chaos in the Townhouse”

I don’t quite understand what the heck is going on with Tinz that she is crying and keeps having these meltdowns?  I really like her, but I’m with everyone else that she needs to lock it up.  She makes jokes about the arrest from the ex-relationship, yet talks about her ex and the relationship as though all of these super traumatic things happened to her (hence therapy).  But in terms of the living situation, Bethenny is correct, although her delivery isn’t always wrapped in warm fuzzies.  Live with Sonja and abide her rules or get out.  Seriously.  You’re 41.  Enough.

Last night was Vermont Part II which I shamefully have not seen yet, but

CAN WE GET TO MEXICO ALREADY!
AND SLURRING DORINDA!
AND LUANN FALLING OFF THE HOT TUB?!

I’m sorry. I know it’s wrong to laugh.  But she wasn’t hurt….. so I’m not really sorry that I am cracking up.

:: Big Brother :: 

I shockingly can’t believe how good it has been for only one week in! I am loving it! The Rodeo Clown guy looks exactly like Matthew Lillard from all of the 90’s movies to me.

Cody is such a freak.  He doesn’t say anything and has no emotion.  No personality.  He just stares.  He is terrifying.
His VIP Cocktail Waitress Show-mance is equally as obnoxious.  Jessica, take a jealousy chill pill.  You are stage 5 clinger right now.

Clearly she isn’t crazy in thinking that he may be into Alex, because he called her “Alex” while they were lying in bed together….

Why is everyone getting into show-mances one week in? It was more like 24 hours in actually…..
and most importantly – the Stone Cold Silver Fox is going after RAVEN!?! Never saw that coming

:: Rob Kardashian ::

I’m sorry that I don’t have much to say this week, but luckily you can keep yourself busy with all of the latest updates from Rob + Chyna and him humiliating himself and his family.  (Although…. for the Kardashians, do they consider anything bad press?) I really don’t understand what goes on in this man’s head for a number of reasons – too many to list – but especially the fact that he thinks putting these things out there publicly and saying the foul things he says is in any way okay.  He has made every one of his family members look like completely average + sane Americans compared the stuff he pulls.
This was my 4th edit of this…. trying to keep it as kind as possible…. you can only imagine what I really want to say 🙂 

Articles for your consideration (although I’m sure there’s been 15 updates by the time this post goes live Thursday Morning):
Rob + Chyna throw down and dirty on social media
Rob + Chyna – a Timeline of Dramatic moments
Rob shut down on Instagram for posting (I mean…. really Rob?)

Soooooo…… when does the “make-up” twitter and instagram happen? These two are like Kathryn and Thomas but on some seriously Illegal Steroids.

:: JACK HOLE OF THE WEEK ::
I feel like nothing was on this week! No Southern Charm Reunion Part I, no Below Deck, no Bachelorette.
Everything good is going to be on while I am gone!
It’s probably for the best because I have no time for TV this week anyway as I try to run all of my errands after work.  Tonight I went to Target and went all the way up to the cash register and started putting everything on the belt and said “Wait…. who put all this stuff in my cart??” NOPE.  I had completely TAKEN someone else’s cart, shopped for a few more things with it, and brought it all the way up to the register.  I am seriously delusional lately.  I randomly brought the cart to an area I had been in and just dropped it there and ran.  Whoops.  

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 

We got Ambien for our flight tomorrow night to Amsterdam! PAH-reach!

We got the doctor prescription and it was doctors orders to test it out one night so Kip took one and then I look over and he is doing some serious online shopping on Amazon.  Like, he might as well have been a girl who just gained access to a credit card from her parents and just discovered free one day shipping.  I caught him trying to buy some insane neck pillow but then he went to sleep.  To my surprise, tonight I go onto Amazon to order a book and what do I see in our cart?
These beautiful bracelets.

He says he has no recollection….. I kind of wish he had ordered them.  I’m still laughing at the title/description alone.

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

 

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES…….

:: LAST WEEK’S RHONY ::

Carole and Tinz have lunch and they are hitting it off.  This is the most Carole has talked about anything other than Baby I II and III….. but this scene is ridiculous.  I do think Tinz needs to go from the tight curls to the loose waves.  No need to cut it – but beachy waves intead of the shirley temple/Disney princess curls.  Now I’m talking about this annoyingly at length just like Carole.

Sonja acts like she can’t wait for Tinsley to get out of her house, but now Sonja doesn’t want Tinsley to leave? “She shouldn’t rush! She needs to be ready! And comfortable!”  Sonja is so nuts.

We are back to seeing more of Ramona’s revamped “all by Me Myself and I” apartment.  “I did a phenomenal job redecorating the apartment!” – things only Ramona would say (and that only Ramona think).  When they showed the other part of her apartment re-done earlier this season I felt like the before’s and after’s looked super similar too?

Ramona is upset she isn’t invited to Bethenny’s things, so she’s going to show Bethenny how you handle things maturely and invite her to her newly-finished-apartment party.  I really think the only reason she is even attempting all of these reconciliations and olive branches is because she’s caught the Jill Zarin Castoff Fear over all of it.  We all know Ramona doesn’t care about anyone except “Me Myself and I”.

Tinz and her mom Dale are apartment hunting!  I really love Dale.  I feel like if you name a girl Dale, she’s just immediately cool.  I know cool isn’t the appropriate word for a 70 year old, but you know what I mean.  Tinsley says she can afford 9K a month because of family money and working in business development…. I want to know more about this business development? No judgement over it – straight jealousy – who cares if it’s all family money! – but what business development? All of you always are in the know and e-mail me answers, so if anyone knows what this “business development” is let me know.  I’m thinking the current “business development” is the current rich boyfriend….  Anyways, the apartment back in her mom’s preferred neighborhood of the Upper East Side is INSANE with those skylights!? Ugh. Amazing.

Carole is meeting with an interior designer – PRAISE THE LORD – and she is FINALLY re-covering that disgusting couch.  Although the interior designer’s first words were “what an amazing couch” – what is wrong with you people!? NO IT IS NOT. Also, she is wearing a navy cropped velour jumpsuit? Are my eyes deceiving me? I see cropped capri Juicy Couture velour and it is not okay.

The Bethenny + Frederick Real Estate pre-show is back in action! I really do laugh at Bethenny though.  “Frederick made me simplify…. so I guess we’re selling the condo to people who don’t have kids, don’t have sex, don’t eat, don’t live, don’t do anything so these people owe me a lot of money…..”

HOW. THE HELL. COULD THAT UGLY. BAR COST 40. THOUSAND. DOLLARS. I almost spit my drink across the room! FORTY? Oh my Lord.  I can’t.

Cut to the highlight of the episode : Ramona’s Apartment Reveal Party:

Oh. My. Gahhhhh.

What is that hair? I am speechless, as Ramona says.  Her hair. Her dress. Her shoes.  HER CHANDELIER. all of it.  I finally figured out what her boobs remind me of.  The mom in Mean Girls.  They are high as hell, hard as rocks, and always out.

She also acts exactly like this, trying to be BFF with her daughters kids and act like she is young and they want to hang out with her.  How did I not make this reference sooner?!!??!!

She throws the worst parties.  In the Hamptons everyone has to play their own bartender, and this party she had drinks at the entry way, except it’s like a rosemary disgusting something that no one wants to touch with a ten foot pole.  Worse than that is that she keeps the coat rack in the hallway for her guests where anyone could just snatch a coat? Who does that? I realize she probably is in a nice building and that wouldn’t happen but that is so rude to me.  And you know she would never hang her own coat in a hallway! But I digress….

Dorinda enters the party with immediate commentary: “Ramona look at this look.  It’s very severe.  I am not quite sure what to do with it.” and then “She looks like she should have a heavy Russian accent and whip.”

The high I am on over Ramona’s hair and Dorinda’s comments is quickly cut short by the sight of Harry walking through the door. (And ew Tinsley! You are friends with Kelly Bensimon? Posing in bikini photos with her?! -1 for you for that!)   Ramona is such an ass.  Having this combo at her party:  Missy – Tom – Harry – Sonja – LuAnn – Sonja. And then she acts like “Okay so I don’t know what I was doing when I made this list but I have a lot of mixing of ex’s and currents and pasts…. I wasn’t really thinking.

Tom has lots of highlights at the party, introducing LuAnn to “Oh this is Missy you met at The Regency”.  Seriously what is up with him and The Regency? And then in regards to his wedding ring “Tell me about it – it’s like a dog with a collar.” This man is awful.  I do not understand it.

Then Harry and Missy are whispering about all of it and LuAnn in her confessionals continues the charade she has so neatly constructed of everything being amazing and normal. She’s all “it’s all cool! I’m cool! I’m friend with my ex’s! It’s healthy” but in person she’s up in Tom’s ear “who is that? is that the girl you dated?” staring like she wants to kill someone with a fake stiff smile forced across her face.

I laughed MY HEAD OFF when someone broke something and Sonja yelled “Don’t worry about it! It’s $12.99!” and cackles.  It was incredible.  And Ramona, I hate to say it, but your apartment looks like it was done by “you yourself and you” and like most of it was $12.99 throw pillows hurled everywhere.  Just saying…..

:: JASONHOPPY MORE STALKING ::

I saw an article today that there is more stalking stuff with Jason and Bethenny! I will never understand this! How did he get so crazy!?

This photo of him….. yikes.  They really know how to get a bad angle and use it in these articles.

:: BACHELORETTE : LAST WEEK :: 

 I never included my notes from last week (I swear I am like a chicken with their head cut off lately!) and this week was 4 HOURS of nonsense because ABC wants to kill me, so I’ll keep it to some bullet points.
Eric’s resting bitch/butch face is out of control.  It takes resting bitch face to a whole new level.

Why does Dean, Jesse McCartneys’ adorable doppelgänger have to dress in a Hawaiian pineapple shirt under his blazer for a rose ceremony?  Are you trying to point out that you are the youngest one there? I felt so bad for him on their Blimp date.  Of course he is the one with the fear of heights (the producers will NEVER stop with that one will they!)  You could not pay me a million dollars to go into that blimp, and I have no fear of heights.  That looks like a death wish!  

Eric/Resting Butch Face can’t spell FACADE.
And Peter can’t spell coitus!!! Maybe I watch too much Big Bang Theory (Sheldon only refers to sex as coitus) but that seems pretty easy to spell???

:: THIS WEEK – 2 PART EVENT :: 

4 Hours Bachelor? Ugh.  Buckle Up.  I like that Brian the Chiropractor is 37 years old.  I feel like she needs someone her age or older.  And that’s where the stuff with cutie pie Dean is just a huge red flag to me.  He is a little baby! Age is just a number…. sometimes.  But perhaps not this time.

These dude fights between Nashville Country Singer boy Lee and Kenny the Wrestler are so stupid.  “You’re a snake! Bye Snake’y.”

Ugh. You both are children (as hashtag carpenter craig would say). He then says “I want to lay my (bleep) on your (bleep) and something else (bleep).”  Ummmm what the heck is he saying? It sounded sexual which I think is opposite of what he wants?

RACHEL. What are you wearing.  You are in Hilton Head South Carolina – why are you wearing ALL black!?  black lace, sheer black, and a black leather jacket.  WHAT?!? No! Your gowns have been so spot on who the heck styled this?
Someone from LA that has never been to the South?
Her date with Jack Stone is the highlight of the date.  But why are we seeing his full name Jack Stone? What happened to the first initial last name Bachelor pastime? They have a date shucking oysters and learning the dance style of Shagging.

  He goes in to kiss her and she pulls away saying she’s contagious and will get him sick and he’s like “WOW that first kiss was AH-mazing. ”  We know from that comment alone he is going home.  And this was before his creepy facials

Kip walked in during the quote of “He just wants to lay in bed and talk.  It takes away from all of the shucking and shagging we did today.” and was VERY confused as to what was going on. 

Gotta say Jack Stone (who I just keep wanting to call Captain Jack Sparrow) … I never saw this creepiness coming! You had such great teeth!! But then you just sat started doing this…. over and over…. and over

At the rose ceremony, Kenny is sitting there doing snake movements.  LOCK IT UP KENNY.  It’s not a good look.

PART TWO

The Two on One is Kenny and Lee – SHOCKER – the two people that hate each other.  Kenny, note to self, if you don’t want to come off as angry or aggressive, let’s not have every word out of your mouth have to be bleeped and then end it with “eat sheyite and die”.  Maybe? No? But hey, what do I know?

Resting Betch/Butch Face got a one-on-one and was crazily jumping around and all enthused….. he is all over the place.

I was only able to watch the beginning of the group date where they are dressed like this.

No surprise that the bloody eye preview they have been showing all week had nothing to do with any actual fight between the men.

:: SOUTHERN CHARM ::

It’s finale night on Southern Charm. tear. Kathryn is reading a book with a chapter titled with the bible verse “Strike the Shepherd and the Sheep will scatter.”   She’s really trying I give her that… and if she really read that far into the book it looks like she’s gotten pretty far.

Dani and Elizabth are down at the beach and Elizabeth is as thrilling and fun as ever. “No Sun for Lizzy today!” she exclaims. Oh Lizzy! You’re such a blast!

“Lizzy” and Kathryn must have both used the same awful red lips for the beach day. Nothing says a day at the beach in the hot sun like blood red lipstick melting off your face.

Hasthag Carpenter Craig poses a serious stumper to the boys: Cheese or Oral Sex? He doesn’t comprehend that no man on earth is going to pick cheese over oral sex. He’s like “What!? Wait!? Why wouldn’t you pick cheese!”  Out of all of the things Craig has said to make himself seem like less of man, I think this takes the cake.

Craig gives the baby onsie he had made to Cameron –  which would be the cutest gift ever, so sweet, if he wasn’t such an ass that I want to tell him HE IS THE CHILD. So instead I’m on Shep’s side, critiquing it and saying the letters are off center.  Guess you should have stopped chatting with Gizmo and focused a little more, Craig!

The final morning arrives.  Chelsea’s bod.  Wowza. And an ocean make-out with Austen! Aw!

Cameron is talking to Craig about how “He needs to be aware of how he speaks to (Naomi) in public.”  Craig is taking no blame.  He’s like “She didn’t even say bye when she left! But I had a better time after she left…. and that’s not how it should be.”
I truly can’t stand this kid. He pouts LIKE A CHILD constantly.

We’re back in Charleston….

I know I always say I love the little intro clips with glimpses into everyones lives but I mean it.  Moments like Whitney saying to his mother “You look like Joan Crawford” just kill me. KILL ME. Craig talking to Gizmo and a shot of Bourbon Gentry however, I can do without.  Same with the entire scene involving MR. Bourbon Gentry and Thomas.

Landon and Thomas are arguing via text through quoting Jane Austen Pride and Prejudice. Oh puh-lease.  Even if you didn’t see the episode I’m sure you can vividly imagine Thomas’ ever-important voice slowly reading the quotes with his southern drawl as though he is still some State Senator giving an important speech.  And ever the amazing supporting character, JD gives a head nod and an “mmmmmmmm”.  Ugh these two are such idiots.

I don’t understand why Landon is suddenly acting like she is all on Kathryn’s side and totally against Thomas?

We are graced with another LEWK from Kathryn this week!

SO MANY LEWKS! Even new ones in the FINALE confessionals! I love it!

Landon and her have more in common than just Thomas, they both don’t believe in bras AND NEED TO.  Please don’t say this is what I look like when I find something I can go braless in and no one is telling me?! Because these two girls should really know when one is required and apparently they don’t.

Naomi gets home to pouty Craig who is acting like his life is so hard because he printed out study sheets for the bar and is going to have to actually start studying now that he graduated and is eligible.  Why is Naomi taking all the blame for this!? Also, Naomi, do not take relationship advice from KATHRYN.

Party at JD’s. Barf. Gentry Bourbon Gentry Bourbon Gentry Bourbon.  Can we get Shep’s hot friend Beau to be a sidecharacter inside of JD? Or that other friend of Shep’s that is straight out of Hot Tub Time Machine in the printed track suit jacket? Or ANYONE for that matter? Kathryn’s cousin in the red bikini and stilletos poolside from episode one? Anyone but him.

Rumors of a Kathryn and Thomas make out session the night before begin to swirl.  These two are NUTS. I mean, is her vagine platinum??? What is it with these two??

And that long embrace that we saw on camera (apparently moments before said make out) made me very uncomfortable.

Landon is in a backless dress with no bra and looks gorgeous. Now THAT is how you wear a dress with no bra girl.
Thomas walks in looking like the Uncle Fester from The Adam’s Family…

……which is actually very fitting for Kathryn’s dark look!  It’s like they planned it after their make out session. Oh, and Thomas of course thinks the black lipstick is super sexy.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:  This preview for Odd Mom Out is giving me life.  I love Jill Kargman so much.  In the Odd Mom Out commercial her husband is saying she looks like Edward Scissor Hands which is NOW what I am changing my mind to thinking Kathryn’s lewk looks like.

Oh.  Kathryn gives me comparison herself! She says it looks like Austin Powers threw up on a girl.  Thanks Kathryn! You are so spot on! Keep reading and doing yoga it’s really working!

We learn more about Shep being drunk leaving Charleston and missing the plane/being kicked off the plane.  It involved him choking on a chicken wing? And spilling water and yelling at a guy? He is SUCH a degenerate. (yet this story cracked me up….and made me think of a story of a guy friend being kicked off a plane home from Vegas which was just hilarious).

Okay I really really really really really want Chelsea and Austen to be lovah’s. This is cute. (to be read in the voice of the annoying yet great song “I really really really really really really like you.. and blah blah blah and you want me too”. )

Hashtag Carpenter Craig is ready to ruin another moment where everyone is getting along for once, similar to Key West, so he steps in to take things up a notch.  Landon is correct – everyone is happy with her and Kathryn’s relationship except him, so LOCK IT UP.

Shep cracks a joke about Craig not knowing about the Bay of Pigs and Craig punches his leg and is so dead in the eyes making a really creepy face that it’s a bit terrifying.

The world is for sure coming to an end because first Kathryn is giving relationship advice, and now she is mediating arguments!? Who does she think she is!? That make out session with Thomas last night has her going crazy already!

They are so nuts to ever even try to act like they are into each other and it could work.
I’m sure the reunion will show this was short lived…..like all of their romances…. just pray these short lived flings never lead to baby #3!

:: MAZEL AND JACKHOLE ::
Big Brother is Back!
This so amazing and horrible…..
Best part : it’s 3 nights a week.  Worst part : it’s 3 nights a week.

I always don’t like the start of every season because I feel like no one is as great as previous seasons but then a few weeks in I get in to it.
And I realize all of 5 of you watch this show so I’ll keep it to a minimum!
This 3 nights a week thing made me realize that the two weeks we are away on vacation is going to leave me with hours upon hours of not just BB, but LOTS of Bravo to catch up on.  And REUNIONS! I’m going to be missing Mexico for New York and Southern Charm Reunion!
HALP!
I may need to cancel this trip…… I jest.
But I may need to take an extra few days off work to wok on the DVR and prep for Coffee Talk!

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES…….

 

:: LAST WEEK’S RHONY :: 

Sonja has explained to us in the past that she is sleeping with the younger French man named “Frenchie” and dating the older man Rocco.  Because “there are people you date/marry and people you sleep with.”  But now we see her waking up and cooking breakfast with Frenchie.  I am very confused …. this goes against everything she says and does?

Tinz comes down to join them (Tinz cover up a bit you aren’t trying to sleep with him!) with hair perfectly done and definite skin AND eye make up, full on liner, and Sonja exclaims “you look so great without hair and make up!”

At the end of this breakfast the Three’s Company crew is doing, Sonja says a side comment of “maybe ill have some of Ramona’s Xanax.”

Could that have been it in the Berkshires? Mixing xanax and 9 bottles of wine? Because that would certainly help explain her step up from insane to psychotic.

Back at Skinny Girl Central, Bethenny is having a Christmas party, and the red of Christmas naturally lends itself to be the perfect Skinny Girl Extravaganza for décor.  Ice luge and all.  (I’m with Carole…. whenever there was an ice luge in college it was like Christmas morning.  I don’t know why, because now I am REPULSED thinking about if everyone puts their mouth on that thing, but they make drinking so fun. So maybe if everyone can have their own sterile little cover to put on the end of the luge to keep it sterile.  Then I’d be totally back on the shots through the luge bandwagon like Carole. Hashtag this is drinking at 30…. I’m such a loser….)

When Tinsley arrives at Bethenny’s, they show a flashback to her at Ramona’s party the night before accidentally talking about Bethenny’s Christmas Party. WHO is this 70 year old botched face lift Michael Jackson person next to Tinz because it is everything?!

While all of the ladies are attending Bethenny’s Skinny Girl Christmas Party, Ramona is across town dining with Avery and five 21 year olds.  Because of course she is. You would think Avery would be embarrassed by her? I don’t understand how she isn’t??

But apparently she wouldn’t be embarassed by her mom because she says things like ys “I mean Pellegrino IS my water. I literally thought that’s what water was.” I just self-edited and all I will say is NO WORDS after a long silence.

Ramona is having such an amazing time that she always wants the 21 year old girls to go hang out with her! She says she’ll invite her friends over and then they can come and they can all hang out.  FINALLY there is some acknowledgement of how awkward this is and they look at eachother like “I mean, we said we liked that you always had bottled water at your house….” but out loud they simply say “do your old lady friends have sons our age?”

Ramona ends here evening on cloud nine, realizing that these girls are “so wise they are better than my girlfriends” because they say things like “friends should be nice to each other”.  Yeah, Ramona. So wise.  The best part of this whole dinner is that she never comprehends that the only reason it’s happening is because they are being filmed by Bravo and they get are getting an expensive dinner and wine for free.  It’s that you all are soulmates and best friends.

We finally get to see the Wedding of The Century between Tom and Lu.

It was beautiful, she looked beautiful, the whole shebang, yada yada yada.  Top 2 moments: Dorinda showing up tipsy without her bridesmaids dress and way late as though she had no idea what wedding day as a  bridesmaid entailed.  And then at the reception a Marilyn Monroe impersonator jumps out of a big cardboard cake.  I MEAN. LuAnn.  This LITERALLY is a Sweet 16. What is up with you!? Also, do you think someone sexily flirting with Tom scantily clad is the best way to kick off the first 5 hours of your marriage? Probably not….

In January, post wedded bliss, they are throwing a party back in New York City.  I’m assuming this will be the first of dozens, because I don’t think LuAnn is going to let the wedding celebrations and attention end any time soon.  Bethenny arrives 15 minutes late – so awkward that she is going to this, but I guess they all are – and NO ONE is there.  She says it must be a party for everyone that hasn’t slept with Tom.  I mean.  She is so good.  Party of one.

Dorinda agrees with me and blatantly states “we’ve got to stop with the celebrations”.

This engagement party is incredible because of how the other women react to it.  Tinsley, Sonja, AND Ramona all bring men to this thing.  I mean…. seriously ladies? It looks so pathetic!

Tinsley shows up with 23 year old Chad. They just keep showing Chad chugging the free Chardonnay and then shes making out with him.  Tinsley! Come on!

Sonja hides her Frenchie boyfriend for no one to ever see, but brings him out for the Tom and LuAnn engagement party?? Coincidence? I think not. She thinks shes reaallly showing Tom. (Although apparently they are currently still “together” …. whatever that means.)

And the worst of the worst: Ramona.  She has AVERY with her.  And then a date shows up to the engagement party.  (Was this her date or a random man at the party? If it was a random man, I guess it’s fine, but it seemed like it was her date which is pathetic and also AVERY was there!)

Tom is kicking this marriage off with a bang by commenting about ” Old Habits Die Hard” and that he doesn’t want to wear a ring but LuAnn basically makes him.  I mean it’s like just keep the red flag up and waving because the amount of times you have to lift your arm to wave it is exhausting.

The newlyweds are awkwardly talking with Sonja and Frenchie, and Tom turns and grabs her by the neck to kiss her!  Like – choke hold.  Everything about the two of them makes my stomach churn.

Dorinda, hilariously, says that sense no one could understood her drunken yacht toast for the engagement – the replay of that only gets better and better – and then says “are we done celebrating? No more.  Is this it? Please no more. Be done.”

And to that we say, Preach Dorinda Preach.

:: Ally and Lilo ::
I mean really…. explain this to me, because is Jill’s daughter Ally a freak then? Or what? She always seemed so normal? 

:: SOUTHERN CHARM :: 

These intro’s never get old for me.  Especially when it involves Hashtag Carpenter Craig and that sewing machine on the desk smack in the middle of the damn living room.

Craig is making a onesie for Cameron’s future baby (you know, what most men do)and turns around to Gizmo and calls out to him as though he were a legit significant other and he is waiting for him to respond.

Shep is back groveling to Chelsea about when he tried to make out with her the other night.  I wish Chelsea would quit playing both of them – she is acting like Shep.  Don’t say that if you had known Shep genuinely had feelings for, that things would be different or you would have gone for it. Keep eating that peanut butter off a spoon and keep that mouth shut!!!

We are in some alternate universe because Kathryn, dressed as angelic as she could in all white, is at Cameron’s house for a little pow-wow before Key West.   “I cant believe youve never been here!” Really Cameron? Because you couldn’t stand her and wouldn’t even meet her for coffee, so why would she come to your home?

Cameron is having Kathryn rehash what went down between her and Landon to cause all the beef.  How can she not have known any of this about Landon and Thomas? Are you on this show? Were you at the reunion? How can she be so flip flopy this season? Is it because she got so much crap for not being Kathryn’s friend last season(which I disagree with — dont be friends with her she was nuts!) and so now shes playing both sides?  How many questions can I ask in a row?

Craig and Naomi are truly ready to kill each other.  We have seen this relationship go full circle from last season to now… honeymoon is over!

Chelsea and Austen are heading to meet his parents.  Chelsea is totally back tracking on ALL of the “Shep grabbed me in the bar” story.  Austen calls her out on completely changing the narrative and that she must have just talked to Shep about it and that is why.  Which is exactly what happened.  I am cringing.  Austen, don’t do take her to meet your parents yet! This is such a bad idea!

Austen is understandably annoyed.  He says “Chelsea says ‘It’s alright between Shep and I’ and I’m like, well it’s not alright, because it’s not right between Shep and I.”

And all I hear is my mom SHEP AND ME SHEP AND ME SHEP AND ME barking in my ear.  You know I love to throw in some grammar lessons, especially in Coffee Talk posts, where I butcher every spell-check-comma-placement-periods-run-on-sentences and the English language in general.

They have dinner at Austen’s Parents house; it is a beautiful home.  It just makes me so sad after knowing about his sister.  And they need to quit this not-labeling thing and figure it out because taking someone to meet your parents is not the next step when it’s a “whatever” thing and he’s going to get his heart broken.

Whitney wants to attend the trip to Key West with the group, and explains to his mom that it is  “a last hurrah before she sensibly gets pregnant”.  Hahaha. Sensibly gets pregnant? I just can’t with this kid. What man speaks like that!

A perfect difference between Whitney and my husband. Whitney states that “Key West is a sh*t hole” and basically he would rather go anywhere but there.   My husband on the hand has said “I have always wanted to go to Key West” in response to any possible future trip…. I think he would have chosen Key West for our Honeymoon.  No joke.  (I mean… I really want to go, but for a group trip like this where drinking on the beach is the main activity , not for a couples trip.)

The crew arrives in Key West!
KATHYRN.  My jaw is on the floor when she walks off that plane! Her “lewks” are just so up and down.  She looks like she just woke up from a night on the town! And a wild one! (editors note: when she comes down to the beach the morning after they all go out later in this episode, she looks 10x better than she does right now!)

Cameron and Chelsea (and Jennifer) defend Kathryn on the beach to Landon.  Landon is still super heated about all of it.  She needs to calm down because Kathryn digs her own graves.  Did she learn nothing from last season and the reunion? Just let her do her thing and you need to be calm!

Landon is being SUCH a child (Note to Carpenter Craig: here is someone you can call a child!) and getting more and more drunk. She keeps begging Austen and Shep to stay with her while everyone showers because her “co-dependency is at an all time high”.  Just get in the shower Landon and then 20 minutes later you can all be back together.  Simmer down.

“We might be dolphin watching at dinner” (in reference to Landon and her voice, and calling her a “freaking dolphin” last season) is the best thing Kathryn has said all season.
Kathryn takes this dinner and her time on vacation as a great time to ORDER A MARGARITA.
Ummmmm.  I am very confused.  Very.
“Because she’s on vacation.”
Whitney pretends he is ready for peace, ,but really I think it’s his producer hat kicking in and him ready to stir this pot up on vacation.  He knows vacations = prime time TV for Bravo.  He is saying if he can make up with Kathryn then so can Landon, but he goes outside and phrases it as “you need to have it out with Kathryn” when he says it to Landon.

Hmmmm… stirring the pot?
They sit down and – shockingly – are remaining very calm.  Especially considering how hammered drunk Landon in.  So Carpenter Craig just HAS to get as involved as possible.  He knows what will really make everything smooth and friendly. He says “No! You need to say what you don’t like about her and what you don’t like about her!”
Great idea Craig.  That sounds like the perfect plan.
And STILL Landon says “There’s nothing that I don’t like about her.”  I don’t know how this is going the way it’s going with Craig poking and prodding but it’s amazing.
Maybe Landon needs to day drink herself into this mindset more often?!

Craig is being SO horrible. He calls everyone “children”, his favorite insult, and that they don’t know how to handle things but because he is in couples therapy he thinks he can facilitate the situation.  This would be hilarious if it wasn’t a possibility of WWIII between Kathryn and Landon.  Even Dani, the sweetest quietest one, is ready to kill him.  Poor Naomi – no wonder couples therapy isn’t doing anything for you two – look at him!

Landon apologizes an apology she doesn’t mean and Kathryn takes it and knows she doesn’t mean it.  Good start girls! Really.  I’m serious.  Just take it and be done.  But Kathryn’s commentary in her diary session has her back to her stink eye face slumped over ready to kill someone. But I am proud of drunk Landon…. I never thought this would be her response to her especially with that much booze in her system.  I’m sure this will all change after a few more shots?

Craig CONTINUES to speak down to Naomi and act like SHE is the one treating Craig like a child despite Craig calling everyone and her “child/children” all night.  He says don’t you dare talk to me like that again (for the hundredth time) and Chelsea hears him and says “how the eff do you deal with that?” PREACH.  He is THE WORST.

Thomas is pissed that Landon basically said that he is the only reason that her and Kathryn aren’t friends. UM? And that they can and should be friend. UM?  Landon sweetie.  A glass of water would be nice.  You are coo coo. You were JUST saying you didn’t think she had hit rock bottom OR cared about getting her kids back.

THE NEXT MORNING.

These flashbacks of the night before at the drag show while they do hungover breakfast is EVERYTHING.
I love Bravo’s new editing.

Kathryn comes down in her jammies looking as rough as the rest of them, despite not drinking (??), yet better than on the bus during her arrival.
And of course, the cordial behavior between Thomas and her has gone on long enough and it’s time to get back to business.  Apparently there is a 20 years old girl watching the kids and taking them to The Nutcracker?  Kathryn remains calm but leaves and goes to her room.   Sober Landon is still saying he’s being an ass! Throwing it in her face!.  Oh how the tables have turned for this little love triangle.

Next week is the finale !  And we get to see Kathryn is her formal evening outfit with black lipstick and dressed in some kind of mens suit! I CANT WAIT! So many LEWKS for Kathryn this season.

:: WWHL with Kathryn :: 

Speaking of Kathryn and her every evolving style,, she is on WWHL and she looks like an entirely different person!? She looks better with pretty much everything but I hate that bright-box-red color she likes to dye her hair.

Anyways…. she is super moody and off and on and no different than she has been all season during WWHL.  My-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen is really walking on eggshells with her.

My-bf-AC hiccups while she is talking and everyone laughs and she immediately has resting bitch face wants to kill him.  I mean, you weren’t even saying anything good! You were just mumbling with no inflection and saying you think naomi and craig will stick together.  Andy even said “I’m sorry are you mad at me?” because of how she reacted to it.  So freaking awkward!

Can’t wait to see her reunion look in 2 weeks….. for her, this is understated.

:: BACHELOR IN PARADISE ::
After all the drama, Warner Brothers has now said that production will resume and that no wrong doing or funny biznass was found.
They won’t be releasing any of the footage.
OKAY.  I get why they can’t release the footage and blah blah, but after all of this to now be like “Yeah we’re all good everything fine” and go back to filming?
Now I’m thinking was this just some publicity stunt?
WHAT HAPPENED ON THOSE TAPES!?
And so do they bring the exact same people back and pick up where they left off or do a whole new season and pretend it didn’t happen?
And most importantly….. WHEN will it be on TV?
So many questions for me this week….. I need answers!

All of the stars took to their instagram accounts to post bikini selfies in honor of them returning to the beach….. SHOCKER.

:: WEDDING of BIP Alum’s :: 

Carly and Erectile Dysfunction Specialist Evan, who met on last summers Bachelor in Paradise, have tied the knot! It was officiated by who else but Chris Harrison himself.

The best part of their relationship is that she was repulsed by him for the entire first week of BIP, practically throwing up when he kissed her, literally saying she was disgusted by him…. and then a week later they are ENGAGED.
It blew my mind.  And it was a great distraction from Josh eating pizza and sweating all over Amanda while making those “mmmmmm” noises during their make outs.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 

Big Brother starts in SIX DAYS.  Guys…. I already have no time…. and now I have to fit in 3 extra hours of TV per week!

But I’m going to put my big girl pants on…..

and wash my hair (errrr dry shampoo it……)
and focus on how freaking excited I am for 3 months of the best reality competition show on the planet !!!!

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 

ME!  Regarding Southern Charm Savannah…. and not recapping this week….
Oh my goodness… this is a Thursday morning 6:30 addition to the post because I was watching this morning while I did my workout DVD and for once, I really do want to comment…. this episode is so ridiculous but I just had to write two things.

Hannah’s dad cornering her boyfriend and over and over again saying he was never in love with her mom?! This man is horrible! No wonder Hannah is so messed up over the divorce and her relationship with her dad! My jaw is on the floor.

and Ashley driving home from her raging night of partying and puking acting like nothing happened and still trying to sound all pretentious saying “well, I gave them a piece of myself they’ve never had before.”
YEAH YA DID. YOU PUKED ON THEM.

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

 

 

DISCUSS AMONGST YA-SELVES…….

:: BACHELOR IN PARADISE :: 

Let’s just kick it off this week with the most important news going on in this Nation.
Bachelor Nation, of course.  What else would I be talking about?
Unless you have been living under a rock, you heard about Bachelor in Paradise suspending filming and sending everyone home after an alleged sexual encounters and an investigation by Warner Brothers is now under way.  If you don’t know about this, you have stumbled upon the wrong website, and honestly it has even been the news blurb daily on my Comcast TV Screensaver – so even Comcast thinks this is IMPORTANT NEWS.
The situation that occurred involves Corinne and DeMario and them hooking up in the pool.  I don’t want to go into the NSFW details,  but don’t worry because the articles do it all for me!

So, in the past few days more and more is coming out and it has gone from something happening in the pool to her being unconscious and him doing things in the pool.  That’s the PG version.  All sides say heavy alcohol was involved.  DeMario denies all allegations and is calling for the tapes to be shown.  Corinne has now broken her silence.   She says she was too drunk to consent to any of what occured and has hired a big time fame lawyer.

Articles I read earlier in week talked about how Corinne had a boyfriend back home and was supposed to be getting a spin off show like The Twins did and all sorts of things and that this has obviously changed everything.  I keep it light ant breezy here at Coffee Talk and avoid all serious subjects like the plague. That being said, of course any non-consensual sexual acts are wrong wrong wrong.  But more disturbing to me is the production.  I think if this passed out/unconscious stuff is true then the entire production crew is just as horrible as they are portrayed on UnReal on Lifetime because who sits there watching all of it and lets something go that far? This show is so messed up.

However, following that statement I would like to say that I personally am devastated that this has happened and led to the possible ending of one of the greatest reality shows of all time.  BIP is the best part of these entire franchise and I really don’t know what to do without it in August!! And poor Jorge the bartender!? Is he out of a job!?

ps. an example of how awful these producers are? they wanted to can Jorge and use a BIP person as bartender.
They are SAVAGES.

Well.  I don’t know what to say.  These BIP fools want fame and time on TV more than anything, so if this doesn’t teach people to just keep it in their pants, I don’t know what does.  LOCK IT UP PEOPLE.

Hashtag RIP BIP.

editors note: I stand corrected.  My husband lives under said rock.  Surprise Surprise. He just came in and I tried to explain “Ya know – the beach show! the one I love the most! with all the rejects!”  and I just got a blank stare…… but I guess I can see his confusion because me saying “it’s a show I love the most” is complete and utter nonsense.  

:: Last Week’s RHONY ::
Warning…. I really wrote a lot on this because I wrote as I watched.  Sorry not sorry.  Buckle Up. 

We are back for Berkshires Part III and the end of Ramona v. Bethenny.

I have been meaning to comment on Ramona’s ensemble in her diary sessions wearing this hideous red silk button down with her hair flatly greased against her head.  I can’t figure out what it is (well…. it IS the shirt and the hair, but there’s more that I can’t put my finger on and it’s just not good.)

The things that come out of Ramona’s mouth during this are unreal.  Mostly because they are so off base that she doesn’t have a leg to stand on and she is all over the place with allegations.
She says Bethenny is only successful because she slept her way to the top.  And we all know that a man is definitely not how any of this happened? Season 1 Bethenny was hustling cookies and doing whatever she could post Martha Stewart’s Apprentice.

She keeps bringing up the “waterbed” and the soft core porn stuff and Bethenny is like

She attacks Skinny Girl and her company saying that her brand is over and that Ramona had Ramona Pinot Grigio way before Bethenny had booze, and then starts talking about the number of cases of Pinot she sells.

What has Ramona been drinking tonight because she is saying such blatant BS that it’s embarrassing?  It has to be something stronger than the Pinot Grigio?
Then, of course, we switch over to the fake tears and making it about her and Mario.  Because it ALWAYS must go back to that.   “You’ve never been married for 25 years you don’t know!”
And it goes on, and on, and on.  It is truly incredible television.

When it finally ends, she goes into the kitchen to rehash the scene with the ladies and tells a completely different version from what just occurred.  One of my favorites was telling Carole “She’s using you she said she doesn’t even like you being with you! She said you’re boooooooooooooring” while she shoves her face into Carole’s.

And a perfect way to end the mature argument: “You started it!”
Slow clap Ramona.  Thank you for this gift of a two part scene in the Berkshires.
I still don’t quite understand why Bethenny always has to leave? It wasn’t that bad?
But Bethenny packs up and throws on her Abominable Snowman Jacket to tell Ramona that she will “never speak to her again.”

Uh.  Oh.

I saw that fear in Ramona’s eyes after that!!! She even recognized a bad thing through all that booze! She had the Jill Zarin fear; the realization that “uh oh! if Bethenny is never speaking to me again….. and Bethenny runs this show…..”
She stammers “I said I was sorry.”

Ramona, when will you learn. Don’t mess with the B.

The next morning Dorinda tells Tinz about thinking Sonja was dead because she came downstairs to find her asleep sitting up in the dining room.  WHAT!!!  Sonja escorted her up to bed and Sonja was trying to kiss her all the way up the stairs.

Sooooooo???  Do the cameras stop and then Sonja drinks? It’s just a no drinking on camera thing?? Is this understood by all of production or was this a sneaky attempt? Let me know your thoughts.

Ramona comes down in the morning and is still telling lies and making up excuses about her fight with Bethenny.  She says to Dorinda that she “thinks she was upset because Bethenny had slandered John!”
Dorinda is like…. um No.  “Well you did the same thing”   Ramona protests and Dorinda just shuts her down.
She is even this crazy sober the next day?! What?!

Sonja comes down after surviving the dining-room-pass out wearing Dorinda’s silk pajamas that were a gift from her deceased ex husband.  She just found ’em and threw em on.  Dorinda really is a good hostess she is just letting anything fly – chicken juice chairs and burning down the house with broken fireplaces included.

I don’t know what is worse, Sonja in the silk pajamas or LuAnn in her bedazzled Soon To Be Mrs. D’Agostino.  rhetorical question…. we ALL know which of those is worse.  I honestly can’t get over all of  this tacky wedding stuff with LuAnn.   And with that Berkshires trip comes to an end.  Tear.

We learn that Ramona ripped light fixtures off of the walls at the Berkshires house and left her room destroyed.
Dorinda even is crying over it. Dorinda! Crying over it! I am like fuming inside for her!

Cut to some stupid scene with Adam photographing a Sexy Salad.
Ugh.  I just wrote that :  A Sexy Salad?!

I truly can’t believe Bravo airs these Carole and Adam scenes.  Even her being BFF with my-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen shouldn’t allow this garbage!!!

Then we see BOBBY AND JILL ZARIN (to be read in the JILL ZARIN loud New York accent voice). 
Are they at lunch? or dinner? What is this restaurant? They’re like shoved in a dark room in the back.  This is like the worst “triumphant return” ever.

Jill just can’t help herself and is overcome with joy.

Sigh. We know Jill.  We all know.  You’re like salivating at the mouth.

Tom is awkwardly explaining himself and his behavior and all of his single lady friends and he has darting eyes all over the place.  All over this hideous lunch/dinner room.  Zero eye contact with anyone.

I really do love these flashbacks of old school RHONY when Jill was on the cast – Ramona with her hair in a high pony secured by a giant black scrunchie.  It’s amazing.

Okay shut up Tom. Quit blabbling about liking Ramona, this is such BS.  And LuAnn saying “Aw you’re such a gentleman” Oh yeah, thats exactly how everyone would describe Tom.  Such a gentleman!

Where are everyones eyes at this lunch? Tom is all darty and then Jill is discussing Ramona being unhappy with her eyes up in a long lost corner of this awful black + red private room.  Dorinda is totally shutting Jill down for it – I love Dorinda just calling people on their crap – but Jill’s eyes are like up in the corner of the ceiling going back and forth back and forth.

“Why didn’t you invite Bethenny I would have liked to have seen her.”
Jill?! Have you been taking whatever crazy pills Ramona is popping?!
“Oh…. Bethenny did something involving LuAnn and Tom? I guess I forgot about that”

YOU ARE SO FULL OF CRAP JILL.  YOU FORGOT ABOUT BETHENNY CALLING TOM OUT FOR CHEATING AND SHOWING PROOF OF IT? IT WAS THE ENTIRE SEASON?!  I’m so embarrassed for her.  Is she really that oblivious to the whole world knowing she’d die to be back on this show that she fakes the entire opposite extreme???

Okay.  I love how this was “THE Return of Jill” all over the place and that was the most lackluster scene ever.  She really hyped this whole thing up and it was preeeeeeety much nothing.

Also…. seriously this is the exact face she always makes.  Always.
I remember seeing it constantly from her seasons like it was yesterday.

The ladies attend an art gallery opening to view Topless Carole in Multicolor.  Bethenny and Ramona will both be in attendance.  Dorinda is explaining to the ladies that Ramona trashed her house (I seriously cant believe this.  What is wrong with her!) and then Ramona of course comes galavanting in with her coat off her shoulders as though she is a Hollywood Starlet on the red carpet with a fur draped seductively off of one shoulder.  Why does she always do that with her jackets?! And Ramona, it’s a white puffy coat you could like ski in, not a fur stole. Nice try.

Dorinda calls Ramona out for what she did to her house and she tries to deflect it and go right into talking crap about Bethenny and Dorinda gives her a look that is a perfect “if looks could kill” look.

GAH I just love me some Dorinda!

Ramona doing her laugh, when she says a bad joke and opens her jaw to dental exam proportions releasing that high pitched laugh, is now officially my nails on a chalkboard.  Between Bethenny and Dorinda, I am full blown riled up and ready to be DONE FOREVER.  SUE HER DORINDA!

Ramona again is trying to defend herself against Bethenny and she isn’t even making sense.  When Sonja says she really got herself into a doozy this time Ramona’s like “Wha? No? No I didn’t.”

Um. Girl.  Yes you did.  Let the panic set in.  Call up Jill Zarin and start asking for tips.  You’re going to need them.

She goes from saying to Dorinda in the Berkshires that her anger about Bethenny was about John, and now saying to Sonja that her anger towards Bethenny was about the way she treated Sonja.   Even Sonja is like MY GOD. Give it up.

We get one more gem of a scene with LuAnn and Tom before the episode is over.  They hop in the Black SUV to whisk them to the airport for their flight to Palm Beach and the wedding.  LuAnn’s voice IMMEDIATELY goes to the same voice as last seasons “I’m getting married” and “We got the yacht!” as she’s like “We’re on our way! Miss the city are you kidding! I’m so happy to go to Palm Beach!” What is this voice?! I wish I could slip audio into this.  It is SO necessary right now.

LuAnn comments that the girls had said the night before the wedding they should sleep separately.  Tom immediately starts talking about calling up some guys for a late night.  He said “in that case, he’s got a hall pass chuckles gallore.”  Yeah.  Real funny Tom!!! Hilarious!!!   LuAnn is so delusional. She says:  “There are plenty of girls dancing at the ball! But I got the glass slipper! That’s why they’re all pissed off.”

I don’t know what to comment on first – the fact that she thinks the girls are jealous of her and that’s why they keep saying things OR the 975th example of her acting like this is either a Quincinera or she is a 22 year old bride.  Are you going to wear a tiara and glass slippers down the aisle after your 6 foot tall daughter walks down throwing rose petals as the flower girl?

They end the show with previews of things to come and let me just say: I am so excited for this Mexico Trip that I cannot stand it.

:: THIS WEEKS RH OF NY ::

The wedding day has finally arrived (and I know it aired last night. sorry!)!! I’ll be recapping for next week – If it was half as good as Part III of the Berkshires, it was a great episode.
OH.  And LuAnn and JILL ZARIN (to be read in the loud obnoxious accent voice JILL ZARIN) were on WWHL but I saved that to watch post RH as well!  Can’t wait to see how Jill plays it…. because you know she probably hasn’t slept in weeks awaiting her “return” to Bravo.

:: BAI BAI BAI ::
I know these are not new, but I am obsessed with this commercial and laugh my head off every time.

They play it almost every commercial break on Bravo and I will stop fast forward just to play it.

:: SOUTHERN CHARM :: 

Hashtag Carpenter Craig and Naomi are back in couples counseling, and both are looking pretty awful to be honest.  Wait, DID Craig just wake up ? Because his face and voice are particularly horrific in this scene and it really seems like it.  Poor Naomi looks like she’s been up all night crying her eyes out.  Uh oh.

Why do they continue to even show scenes with JD on this show? It’s basically this: loud obnoxious talking and laughing at himself saying things like “Kathryn is Landon’s biggest fan! HAHAHA….. NOT!!!”

Good one JD! Real knee slapper.
and then “Gentry Bourbon Gentry Bourbon Gentry Bourbon.”

I am very confused (well…. it’s producers but still) as to why Chelsea, who never knew Kathryn and is definitely not friends with her but rather BFF with Cameron who couldn’t stand Kathryn, is now the go-to for styling her and shopping with her.

Landon goes to check out her dads work site and he is basically trying to hand her free commissions up to 100K and she’s crying woe is me. She’s upset about him offering her easy work and money while she just spent a year plus building a website that doesn’t even have legal rights to it’s name.

Landon. Sweetie. We are exhausted; I can’t imagine how your poor father feels.

Kathryn is giving some attitude in her commentary this week (while wearing her sassy purple Herve Ledger dress!) regarding modeling. She’s eye rolling and giving the stink face left and right and I love it.  She’s “not a J.Crew bitch”.  I am confused as to what modeling insult this is, but I think she should embrace the look; nothing is wrong with J.Crew and they somehow think at 25 she should be doing parenting modeling (which almost makes no sense to me?)

Kathryn really does look great in the outfit she picked for the photoshoot.  Anyone catch Cameron’s dig of “I actually like that one!”  when it was her third outfit out of the dressing room?  The whole outfit try on scene was super awkward, from Cameron and Chelsea drinking to Cameron and Chelsea talking and basically ignoring Kathryn to Cameron then inviting Kathryn to Key West.  Yowza.  Can’t wait for that trip. 

Why is this whole photoshoot and all of this prep for one outfit being shot? Didn’t she need to get a whole new book of photos together? Or is she just acknowledging that modeling is not going to be happening?

Chelsea tells Austen about Shep pulling her out back the night before when they all were out together and trying to kiss her.  He also tried to act like Austen is into Landon and basically just manipulate the situation for the hundredth time.  Austen is so upset and rightfully so.  He was just talking about introducing her to his parents! Poor thing.  He is way too into her compared to her into him and this can only end badly.

Shep is such a little sheyite for trying to ruin this.  At the bar when Austen brings it up, he is even WORSE.  I honestly can’t believe the way Shep is acting! First he tries to act like he hit on her on Austen’s behalf.  Then he changes it over to saying yeah what’s the big deal he just did what Austen did first (which…eh… is kind of true.  But Austen wasn’t trying to steal anyone or hide anything and he has real feelings for her.)
Hashtag Carpenter Craig needs to get his jabs in and he’s like “Yeah Shep! Uhh! You tried to sleep with Naomi the night you met her to!”  I want to be like hush up Craig you’re so annoying, but he’s right and Shep is such a jerk he admits that yes he did.  Also, in the middle of all of this Shep is like “haha I know those (20 something) girls at the bar haha”.  Keep it in your pants Shep! My Goodness!  What is wrong with him!?
Shep tells Craig he’s “no lothario” and I laughed so hard when Craig is like “Come on man you know I don’t even know what that means!”

I’m very disturbed by how much of an ass Shep is this whole night.  He then flips out about Austen accusing Shep of saying Austen wasn’t good enough for her because he doesn’t have money.  Which – roll the footage – HE SAID.  He denies denies denies and gets so mad the way a female bravo-lebrity on RH might.  Shep.  You can’t be this dramatically pissed off about something you did say and that, once again, IS ON CAMERA.

I feel like Cameron is equally to blame for all of this Shep stuff.  Any time he seems to maybe drop it she is just pumping it right back into his ear. Just drop it. Both of you.  Enough!

Most importantly….. who is this level headed tall, dark, and handsome friend named Beau?
Because I could totally deal with him being an addition to the show….. just sayin’……..

I. am. so. excited. for. Key. West.
If only Kathryn and Thomas could shack up in a moment of reconciliation for baby number three….

KIDDING. Kidding.
well…. not kidding, it would be great, but no baby this time! 

 :: GOOP SUMMIT GONE WRONG :: 

People are shelling out big time cash for a one day wellness Goop-inar called “In Goop Health” and it sounds like a complete disaster and waste of money.
This article explains the day they just had in LA.
It’s actually worth a read wether you love or despise her and/or Goop.

This Jimmy Kimmel interview is mentioned in the article as support for what she is saying is a bunch of BS.

:: HASHTAG THROW BACK THURSDAY :: 

My mom just came across the tape of Yolanda making the music video on an airplane to David Foster and sent it to me.  It brought back wonderful memories and I feel like I need to start sharing some #TBT wonderfulness to end each Coffee Talk.

I still can’t believe she changed her name to Hadid……

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK : CHEF ADAM :: 

I had to comment on Below Deck after so many weeks in a row of this Adam stuff building!   I mean….. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to come off as a bigger jackass than Bobby on Below Deck.
But then we meet Adam.

He is a pathological liar and seems like a true sociopath.  He truly alarms me.
Bobby is just a douche than needs to realize he is not girls top choice by a long shot,
but he is coming off with gold stars compared to Adam.

Even this guy from last year, the drunk lazy eyed “model”, was better than Adam!

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: SONJA MORGAN AFTER SHOW :: 

Want an extra 15 minutes of Bravo in your life?
Because you haven’t given Bravo enough of your time and undivided attention?
Sonja was in full blown Sonja Mode on WWHL After Show this week, and it is getting me VERY excited for these upcoming Mexico scenes on Real Housewives.
I had the video embedded but it kept starting immediately, which is how your boss finds out you aren’t working, but instead reading blogs.  Don’t worry girls – I got you. Click here instead.

Alright y’all.  That’s all I’ve got.  I’m tapping out.

Fingers crossed I proof read this post for all of you before hitting publish in the morning because the nonsensical run on sentences are bountiful tonight.

I truly don’t understand how some of you read these posts in their entirety because by the time I am finished I see how long it is and am like “Eh….. I’m sure my copy and pasting notes from my phone/e-mail/laptop from 72 different thoughts and fragments about shows compiled perfectly and makes complete sense…. no need to read through it once!” 

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

discuss amongst ya-selves…….

:: LAST WEEK’S RHONY ::

We’re on part two (of  three! Can I get a Halleluajah-Preach-Amen! ) of The Berkshires and it picks up right where it left off.  The ladies continue the whole “Let’s tell Luann about Tom” saga, where LuAnn will say that’s enough, the ladies will say “okay great you’re happy we will leave it alone” and then one pinot grigio (or pinot noir, there was a lot of red going down) later they forget and are like ‘LuAnn, now about Tom….”

LuAnn does a horrible job defending her relationship.  And always has?  She never says it’s not true flat out. She says things like she’s always with him when would he have time. And she mainly just says things like “He is who he is and I am who I am he’s not going to change.”

Uhmmmm.  That doesn’t make me feel good for you.  But then again, she also doesn’t seem to care.  They “ski in Aspen in the winter and go to Palm Beach and have a condo” and that literally is her response to them talking about her soon-to-be-husband galavanting about Manhattan with his tongue down every womans throat.

I think the only reason she wont come right out and say “I don’t care.” is that she still tries to act like she is The Classy Countess and a person who pretends to be the judge on manners and class shouldn’t accept her fiance cheating all over town.

Tinsley tells the ladies she is so done with 30 year olds….. yet was just on dates making out with 23 year olds? Luckily now she is apparently dating a rich almost 40 year old  so at least she finally seems to have LOCKED IT UP.

I don’t get why Bethenny cares about any of this LuAnn stuff but I think it’s just when she is super emotionally broken down by other things that she gets like this.  Because I don’t think The B would cry any tears for LuAnn.  I will say I think the term “trick guy” is weird and you can’t really name something that everyone has always discussed, it’s just a guy that never used to be cute or get laid getting money and suddenly getting laid.    It’s not a new concept by any stretch of the imagination.

ALSO, all of this stuff with Jason is just horrible.  I know a lot of things have been in the press for months now, but I had hoped it wasn’t as bad as it seemed and things were blown out of proportion for tabloids because he seemed so normal on Bethenny Ever After….. but unfortunately I now am thinking he really went off the deep end and is as horrible as it seems.  There’s two sides to every story….. but I believe every word that Carole is saying about him leaving the voicemails and calling Bethenny her mother’s name.  Yikes.

But Bethenny being emotional and falling off the rails is also when we get the best of Sarcastic B Bethenny.  Like her explaining to Tinsley why none of them are invited to LuAnn and Tom’s wedding (as if the hours of accusing him of cheating that night didn’t give anything away…… or the hours of past episodes of RH of NY that Tinsley is pretending she has never seen or read about).  She succinctly explains that Carole was sleeping with/now dating her niece’s ex and they fought about it, Bethenny accused him of cheating and brought about all of the Tom Scandal, Sonja used to sleep with Tom and he was her maybe soul-mate or at least sex-soul-mate, Ramona dated him and is on a mission to take him down calling people from East to West to get dirt on him.  All up to speed, Tinz?

There is so much going on in this episode that it’s hard to know where to look.  But the best place to look: Ramona.  Oh, Ramona.  She’s gone from me thinking she is a caricature of herself this season to just full blown manic.  She makes Sonja look like the most level headed person ever.  (Which, when Sonja says, “I ate the whole plate of cheese I feel great!” happens I was truly thinking she was the most sane person there. Get it girl. But I’m ready for sonja trying to snag that bottle of liquor we see in the previews too!)

First Ramona of course has to make the LuAnn and Tom thing about her and Mario and be as dramatic as humanly possible hurling her body and flipping her hair around and crying with no tears ever falling in her efforts to explain how concerned she is about LuAnnn (about herself….. my line through the text thing isn’t working! ah!)

Dorinda is so calm during the ladies trying to blow up the house with a non working fireplace. She is so calm when Ramona spills chicken juice all over the place and then acts like she is all hopped up on pills trying to apologize for it and then talk about how incredible her home cooking is.

Ramona thinks everything is fine between her and Bethenny because A. she’s had 17 bottles of wine and B. Bethenny hasn’t gone ape-sheyite on her yet like she did to LuAnn last year.  Dorinda correctly informs her that she is crazy and Bethenny is definitely not fine with her.  So Ramona uses that as an excuse to sneak onto the chair next to her and put her face within millimeters of Bethenny’s, apologizing a fake apology because she doesn’t want to be called “The Apologizer”.  It. Was. Great.  But Ramona decides she needs more.  We end with Ramona sitting down in one of the 7 living rooms with decor upon decor upon decor and fur sofas galore with Bethenny. Ramona was just warming up to the level of drama that is about to ensue.  Bethenny sits there calmly and rationally, as she has all season with Ramona and her spaz-attacks, which only makes Ramona look more crazy.  All Bethenny says is “I don’t think you’ve been a good friend to me” and suddenly it’s like all the adderall in the world entered Ramona’s bloodstream at once.

She’s standing up and sitting down, flipping her  hair, eye rolling,  shaking her head forwards and backwards shouting “ARE YOU KIDDING ME BETHENNY !!?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME BETHENNY ??!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME BETHENNY??” It’s just pure Real Housewives Gold.

If only it had happened at Dorinda’s dinner table (although it did start there with the attack on her shoulder) it would have been a perfect Bravo Dinner Party From Hell.

I can’t wait to see how this one ends.

I know the final Berkshires part aired last night when you are reading this, but again, the husband keeps not traveling on Wednesday nights lately and, unlike Tom, won’t let me lay in bed with the TV on at 2 AM, which is how much longer I would be awake if I could watch and write about it!

I can’t wait to watch Jill Zarin return and say “You know what? Not gonna lie, I kind of missed the drama.”  What!!??? No way Jill!!!? I’m shocked! No one has heard about you begging over and over to try to get back in the graces of the show.  We all are shocked! (I mean if Jill getting the kabosh on the show isn’t the prime example of “Don’t Mess With The B” I don’t know what is.)

:: THE BACHELORETTE :: 

We saw the conclusion of the staged return of DeMario and Rachel shot it down as quickly as the producers could set the scene.  Yawn.

Whaboom guy and his Ketogenic Diet No Bananas Enemy BOTH get kicked off.  I must say I never saw that coming.  I thought we for sure had another week of their stupidity, but clearly Rachel isn’t putting up with the antics for the sake of entertainment so slow clap for Rachel.  The two guys really got into it during their exit interviews, which means they will 100 percent be attending Bachelor in Paradise.

I love that they go on Ellen!  First Ashton and now Ellen! They seriously are taking these dates up a notch this season!  Ellen expertly notes that the Tickle Guy should be next to go and that he is a horrible dancer.

Wait…. the one on one date is riding horses on Rodeo Drive.  I take back the next-level dates comments. This is so stupid.

The Raven-Corinne-and-Whatever-The-Others-Are-Named are back to promote Bachelor in Paradise (as if it needs promoting…. it is hands down the gem of the whole franchise) and I’m sure are not back for the last time.  However, if Rachel refers to the Bachelor rejects one more time as “her girls!” I will lose my damn mind. “My Girls” should have been the drinking word of the night.  Atleast she didn’t say “squad” like she did the first night.  I pray to God you have actual girlfriends with more sense than these women Rachel.

This mud wrestling date is absolutely disgusting…..

and yet….. I vote that this is a genius date idea.

Rachel doesn’t hold back with her #NotImpressed reactions to the men acting like idiots and I for one really appreciate it.

:: BACHELOR IN PARADISE ::

Sorry I’m not sorry, but the announcement of the cast of Bachelor in Paradise this week is taking priority over the show.  The Bachelorette it’s never as entertaining as when there are a bunch of girls after one guy.
So, this season we have all the people we suspected, and “The Girls” are all in attendance.

One not surprising addition that somehow still has my jaw on the floor.
AMANDA.

I mean really!!! You have two kids!  You have done this way too much already!! I know you have a baby voice that is nails on a chalk board, but you are nice and very attractive with a banging bod so any guy will overlook that.  Meet a nice, normal person in California (cough, yeah right) and stay home with your kids!
Look at where dating sweaty, permanent sheyite eating grin face Josh got you? Covered in sweat and nothing else!

As long as Jorge is back, all is right with the world.

:: RHOC : SEASON 12 SNEAK PEEK ::

I am so excited for this season that I, too, just want to eat!!!!!

See the full trailer HERE

:: SOUTHERN CHARM :: 

We kick off this episode by giving Hashtag Carptenter Craig a dose of masculinity he has been lacking all season by having Naomi give him a pedicure at home.  Sigh.  Now, this is equally Naomi’s fault.  But when Craig is saying “don’t do it wrong” and actual NAIL POLISH, although clear, is going on his toes I am very concerned.

It’s the week of Saint’s first birthday and Kathryn says it will be the first time her and Thomas have seen each other in a year.  I guess I didn’t realize that other than the birth of the baby it was completely separate quarters from that moment on.  Like, was the hospital it??? These two really are the example of love-hate relationship.
Kathryn’s style is ALL over the place this season.  Does she have like three stylists, one at a time that she keeps firing, because we go from Herve Ledger Las Vegas look in her commentary to full on Mom of Two in a baggy beige camel sweater with a button down underneath.  Can we not find something in the middle?

There is commentary about there not being any booze at the birthday celebration, and yet Elizabeth rides to the party with Kathryn and has a red solo cup in her hand walking up to the party? Now, it very easily could not be booze, and I would think she of all people wouldn’t, but why the heck are you arriving with a red solo cup otherwise?

Patricia – surprise surprise – won’t even say hello to Kathryn and instead comments on how embarrassing it must be to attend your child’s birthday party as a guest.  I mean….. Kathryn is awful, but so is Patricia.  Just freaking say hello! She is the mother of the child whose birthday is being celebrated!  Aren’t you supposed to be the classy lady? With the manners?  It’s so pathetic. (I’m sorry to keep using the phrase caricature of themselves, but she is another perfect example, like Ramona.  She got the Bravo Fame and decided to take the personality characteristics that people use to make gif’s out of them and then only behave in that manner from then on.  Not okay.)

Speaking of being rude and not saying hello, how rude of Kathryn to not say hello to Jennifer and her son that she hasn’t even met!  The nerve of Kathryn never ceases to amaze me.  Still, this isn’t even close to Patricia. She knows better. 

Kathryn has a bottle to give Thomas and he doesn’t have a free hand, so he says to put it in his back pocket and then adds “be careful… you might get pregnant.”  I mean.  In that moment, I saw what she and others must see in him.  Because I laughed harder that I would like to admit.  And also because with the two of them, one moment of kindness and 2 seconds of touching leads to immediate pregnancy.

I’m. so. over. these. scenes. with. Patricia. discussing. Thomas. and. his. dating.
And the scenes with him and Landon.

And on a note of people “becoming their Bravo characters” in the worst possible sense, we are back to Shep.  He is just so disheveled all the time this season.  I don’t think he even brushed his hair before that baby’s first birthday party. The way he is stuffing his face with food whilst talking to Chelsea is making me very uncomfortable.  I know you have those giant porcelain 85 year old denture teeth, but please Shep, slow down! Chew!
And then it’s back to fully boated, bed head, hungover Shep missing his appointment with Cam sleeping til 1.

I say all of this with love for Shep.  Because I know how he feels.  I, too, am passionate about Leisure.  But no good girl in her right mind, no matter the amount of family money, can look past the lack of any semblance of adulthood and want to date and marry a man like that.  If it was cute, we’d all still be doing it.  I’d much rather be staying up until morning having fun and sleeping until noon and going through fast food drive through windows.  But unfortunately for you and me, you graduate college and then most adults and most of society frown on things like that.  Life just sin’t fair.

editors note: my strike though/crossing out words button isn’t showing up for me anymore – one of about 75 technical difficulties I am currently having this week with the blog – and there have been so many comments in this post I have had to erase because I can’t use the line through the text of what I want to say with the more politically correct thing afterwards.  It’s driving me nuts because I feel like my hilarity is very limited without this tool and I never realized it until now.

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 

Eric from The Bachelorette.  I don’t blame the guys for ganging up on you.  You’re a little crazy and your constant RBF (resting bitch face) should be left for the ladies.

I also have never seen a sympathy rose be handed out to anyone but a lady as well……

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 
I’m just giving it to Corinne and her return to BIP.

I don’t like when my Bravolebrities become caricatures of themselves, but I pray that Corinne continues to be. What can I say, I’m a hypocrite.  And seriously I’ll stop using the word caricature; you aren’t alone in your annoyance, I’m greatly annoyed with myself as I type this. 

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.

discuss amongst ya-selves…….

:: LAST WEEK’S REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NY ::
How many episodes do we need to plug Fredrik and Bethenny’s future real estate show?  WE GET IT.  I did laugh at her freaking out about the word “clutter” to describe the apartment.  She probably didn’t sleep for a week.

It’s the first part of the Berkshires trip, so I am preparing for some serious throw-downs.  Last year was a real doozy.  She has the ladies coming in three separate groups to ease into it: the blondes, the cliquey brunette’s Carole and Bethenny, then Lu.  All by her lonesome.  This way that there is plenty of time to discuss her and Tom before she arrives.  Well, that isn’t Dorinda’s intention, but that is definitely how it goes down.  Poor Dorinda.  She just wants a nice birthday and a nice Christmas.  And to make it nice.

Sonja has completely lost her mind.  Well, she did years and years ago, but the way she really flies off the handle about Tinsely is a whole new kind of crazy.  She is furious that Tinsley asked her assistant to answer the door when the doorbell rings for a package of hats being delivered.  How. Dare. She.  He needs to be working on Sonja’s “businesses!”  Not answering a doorbell and placing a package inside the door!! That takes FAR too long and far too much focus away from the “work” he is doing.  And then he is “responsible” for the hats! And what if something happens to them!

I mean this whole thing goes on and on.  Sonja grilled her when she arrived about lunch with her mom and her mom’s friends (aka Sonja’s friends so how dare her mom know them) and noted that she was getting rather passive aggressive.  Yes, Sonja. Perhaps just a wee bit passive aggressive?!

Also, since when was Dorinda’s line “I did it nice” not “I made it nice”? How did all of us completely change this?! Even the cake had this saying and we all have it all wrong! And this gif has her mouth saying made? But on the show, they definitely re-played the clip and the audio said “did”??

Also, Dorinda calls “texts” text’ses “and I will never understand why people can’t comprehend this word. (She doesn’t say it as horribly as Teresa from RHofNJ who is like “text’ses’ses’sessss” but still.  And Teresa not being able to say it makes since because Teresa does not understand any words in the English language).  My old roommate was incredibly intelligent and she did this and it drove me insane.  But with Dorinda it makes me love her more.  Especially with the little speech impediment she has with her S’s.  I love it.

Carole is hanging out in the city with Adam’s parents talking about how “parents love me” and to be honest it’s just weirding me out.  I don’t mean to be agist, but like, is that something you still say at her age?  With parents his age? “Parents love me”.  I feel like that should be a 23 year chatting with her girlfriends before meeting the boyfriends family for the first time.  But then again I feel like saying “Parents love me” is far more sane than naming 12 pets “Baby” so whatever, go hit on your boyfriends 80 year old parents so that they approve of you.

Bethenny and Carole finally arrive at the Berkshires and I really CANNOT with what happens the moment Bethenny walks inside.  She walks straight up to a bouquet of flowers on the center table and is like “Oh they’re for me!”. (anyone else think it was suspicious that she walked directly up to a bouquet and said that? when its not her house and its not her birthday but dorindas?)  Anyways, they are flowers for her from her boyfriend.  Um. Really? WHO ARE YOU, VICKI??? It was awful and paethetic when VIcki’s boyfriend whats-his-name-wait-who-cares sent her flowers in Ireland and this was just as bad.  Perhaps not as bad…. because Vicki most likely definitely sent them to herself and I definitely don’t think Bethenny did, but still.  Note to boyfriends/husbands : Don’t send flowers to the hostess’ house – especially when it’s the hostess’s birthday – basically saying “hope you don’t have as crappy of a time as last year hang in there”.  It’s RUDE.  And SPELL YOUR GIRLFRIENDS NAME RIGHT AT LEAST BUDDY. Her name is only EVERYWHERE.  (I realize it was the florist…. but for the sake of making fun of it…. we will completely assume it was Dennis!) 

Anyways…..Dennis floral note should have said “Keep your pie hole shut babe.  This whole Tom thing literally has nothing to do with you or Jason.  Why do you care? You don’t even like them? Tom isn’t stalking or fighting for child custody, he is cheating.  And can we stop discussing your divorce super vaguely on the show where you reveal nothing but then keep bringing it up week after week?  That’d be great.  Have fun with the women you hate but that make you rich and Carole. All my love, Dennis.”
Okay, maybe that’s what I would have written, not Dennis.  But seriously.  Bethenny.  Go climb back on that super sweet therapists couch (I loved her therapist on Bethenny Ever After so much) and let him tell you that Tom + Lu literally have nothing to do with your 5 year long divorce battle + now stalker charges with Jason.  NOTHING.

Poor Dorinda has to be the one to confront LuAnn. LuAnn assures her, with no direct eye contact which is the #1 sign of a lie as we all know, that she trust Tom implicitly and couldn’t be more confident in the marriage.  Sigh.

This episode taught me the most important thing I ever needed to know about LuAnn and Tom.  I learned why she is with him.  Why she ignores the cheating, or puts up with it, and why she really loves him in the  first place and is in candy land for life with him.

“He lets her wake up and watch TV in the middle of the night.”  That’s right people. She is allowed to wake up and turn the television on IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Which means she definitely turns it off whenever her heart desires.
I mean.  Y’all.  This is true love.  Where is my Tom in shining armor and where do I find him?  I completely understand all of it now, and no longer thing she is an absolutely insane maniac for running headfirst into a marriage with a disgusting cheater.  I think she is a smarter woman that I am.  What was I thinking in looking for love, commitment, trust, faithfulness, honesty…. etc, etc.  All of that is useless!!! I need a man that let’s me stay up in the wee hours watching the damn TV!

:: SOUTHERN CHARM :: 

Craig finishes all of his law school requirements! He can now take the bar! He celebrates the only real way he knows how: treats with Gizmo the cat and by really showing that bitch of a wireless printer who’s boss and printing out the e-mail confirming the news for the world to see.

When he tells Naomi at dinner she isn’t even that excited; I mean she is, but understandably hesistant as to what it means next.  It still doesn’t mean he has passed the bar or has a job in law.  And honestly for a moment I feel bad for Hashtag Carpenter Craig.  But just a moment.  Because I’m sure she is years from the actual law JOB and successful working adult thing happening.

Taking a note from RHONY, Cameron  goes shopping at Homegoods.  This time it is actually feasible though I suppose, because it definitely was not when Bethenny ran around the store shopping there.

Landon continues to REALLY put her foot in her mouth and speak as though she is the most desired wealthy woman to ever exist in the history of the world.  In relation to her and Thomas “If I were to say a word I would have a ring really quickly and all the horses I could ever want.”  I mean.  Landon.

Her and Thomas go on a “date” and the giggling that comes out of her mouth is even more spastic than ever.  It really makes me think this whole story line isn’t complete BS and that she really is that desperate for a man!

Then this drunk woman just starts talking about them being soul mates and the whole scene is so obnoxious I just can’t stand it.

Kathryn arranges the gang for lunch and she really looks great – natural finally!

I don’t know why she arranged it because shes sits there awkwardly and says nothing, but everyone is being really nice to her saying she’s gone through more than anyone and it’s impossible to date anyone like Thomas.

I spoke too soon.  The next scene with Kathryn, she looks awful for lunch.

Back to the black lipstick, teased hair, heavy contouring, crazy eye shadow and giant fur vest in warm weather.  Goodness!!!
She was invited to her kids birthday party via a card from Thomas, so we have that to look forward to next week!

:: THE BACHELORETTE :: 

The highlight of this week was Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis.  Hands down.  And THEN they get Kareem Abdul Jabar? I mean the celebrities for this season are legitimate.  No more D List unknown bands that they have to pretend to be all excited about and know.

Whaboom is of course on the group Ashton Kutcher date so that he can spaz out in all of his glory.  Blake’s jealousy is growing week by week over all of the attention Whaboom keeps getting and he  keeps INSISTING that “he is here for the wrong reasons.”  No kidding Blake. Thanks.  Half of the people left in this dating pool are pure crap, likely you included.  You signed up to be on one of the most produced shows of all time so buckle up and grab a never-ending cocktail or get your ass home!
blake and whaboom appeared on a 2016 WeTV dating show together that I have never even heard of.  the fact that I have never even heard of this really says something.  Also, if this is not proof that both of these gents are losers looking for an instant instagram flat tummy tea gig with some 15 minutes of fame from this show I don’t know what does.

I am really into the little guy Dean that looks like (Eden Sasson’s ex boyfriend) Jesse McCartney.
I mean are they not complete doppleganger twins?

Peter, with the matching Gap Tooth, gets the first one on one.  It’s actually a really fun date.  Her dog has a broken leg which is just adorable, and then they talk about their gapped teeth which is also just adorable.  They have great chemistry.  He’s definitely a top 3.  (I never read spoilers so please do not share any with me.  ‘Preciate it. There’s no way I could watch 2+ hours of this nonsense every week if I already knew how it ended).

Next up is the second group date with Kareen Abdul Jabar.   I mean.  Seriously.  For the Bachelor, having TWO actual celebrity appearance in one episode? This might as well be George Clooney and freaking Brad Pitt showing up.  Well done ABC.  Plus I thought he was funny with thinking everyone was awful and not the least bit impressive.

DeMario’s girlfriend shows up to tell Rachel that he is here “for the wrong reasons” and a total shade-ball.  Which is clear.  He sees her says “Ohhhh!” in straight recognition and then “Who is this?”
But the bad thing for this girlfriend is she just really comes off looking delusional (and a wee bit easy or just super naive by dating him and giving him a key to her place and never meeting a single person he knows) in the whole process.  Rachel basically has to be like SIMMER DOWN I get it my I’m not going to keep dating him but can you LOCK IT UP for five seconds so I can yell at him myself and be done with it?!

Of course after kicking him off the producers are like “Don’t worry bud.  You still get another night or two for free at the Holiday Inn down the street because we want you to “surprise” Rachel at the Rose Ceremony.  We’ll throw in a free continental breakfast.  Sound like a deal?”  He shows up at the house and we get a To Be Continued.  Whatever producer suggested a few seasons ago that no week will end with an actual rose ceremony but rather a To Be Continued is on the top of my “People Who Ruin My Nightly Television Binge Fest” list.  (In all fairness….. my husband falls on that list too.  As I said, I need a Tom in my life like LuAnn who allows me to turn the TV on at 2 am if I please.)

:: WORLD OF DANCE ::

The hottest people in the world have come together to all be a part of one TV show, so you bet your bottom I am watching this.  I would watch for J. Lo alone, but then you throw in the rest and I am SO SOLD.

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK : TIGER WOODS ::
Seriously Tiger? DUI at 3 AM?
Take an Uber bud.  You already fulfilled your lifetime quota of public embarrassment years ago.

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK ::
This box of gummy bear treats was featured on last week’s Keeping up with Kardashians.

DINGLE BEARIES.

Special thanks to my BFF Megan for sending this to me.
Because it is Pure. Gold.

:: Editors Note ::
As always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during Coffee Talk on a weekly basis.
#HYPOCRITE   #SORRYIMNOTSORRY
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snaochats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day, and likely won’t do the next day either.  Or the day after that.