coffee talk Archives - Page 25 of 45

:: COFFEE TALK ::

July 8, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves……

it was a fairly depressing week in TV considering the holiday weekend meant no new episodes for several shows, but bachelorette and OC and more will be back next week hallelujah!

:: southern charm reunion : part II ::

I, for one, was disappointed with this second half…. I mean, it was still enjoyable, but no new bombshells really occurred.

we ended part I with the alcohol and drug accusations and kathryn walking off the stage, but alas, she cannot (or will not) discuss anything involving court or drug tests. COME ON! Even though I know from my times pulling my hair our watching Teresa Guidice say “I can’t discuss that” to every single question that Kathryn won’t discuss any current legal things, I was still hoping for more than that!

Highlight of this episode:

Kathryn saying that she made the necklace she is wearing and implying that making and selling such necklaces will be a future endeavor of hers.

I meannnnnn I just can’t.

The most disappointing out of all of this is why can’t people just learn to shut their mouths and let the person that is crazier than them BE crazier than they are? Landon just HAS to keep harping and talking and being defensive. Landon looks like such a fool in all of this, and not just because of those damn earrings. Just sit on your separate couch and let Kathryn eye roll herself into her own mess without you getting involved in all of it!

The dates on the pregnancy test and Kathryn acting like she wasn’t pregnant at that time and then saying Oh, well, I didn’t know what I was going to do…. I can’t even comment. This girl. Seriously.

I would watch an entire season of this show all over again (and I will) just to see Kathryns facial expressions because they kill me. And now that I’ve typed that, I’m thinking I should re-watch season 1 and 2 reunions just for that very reason. Hashtag Sunday Funday.

Jennifer comes out and is crying over being blamed for T-Rav and Kathryn’s relationship and kathryn’s making those faces sitting there. It’s like she doesn’t know how to turn it off – Kathryn, this one is supposed to be your friend! Quit it with the faces!

Tthen I thought Kathryn was going to flip when Thomas handed crying Jennifer a hankie because she started to jump up from her spot laying back on the sofa with the face contortions again!

Ooo! Another Highlight :

editors note : I guess I enjoyed part II more than I thought…. I retract my first statements…..

My-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen asks about all of the food from T-Rav’s Dinner Party from Hell. I seriously loved this because I’ve thought about and written about that food far too many times and theres nothing I love more than someone else saying the crazy thoughts I’m thinking.

Kathryn sits there with her legs widespread and her elbows on her knees like a total dude (and seriously Kathryn stop calling people dude!) so thank goodness she is wearing that ~~hideous thing~~ gone with the wind fabulous get-up because it would be a whole different show if she had a shorter dress on.

Such a lady!

My-boyfriend-Andy-Cohen is at his wits end by the end of all of this.

But WAIT what else happened that jekyll island night??

My-boyfriend-andy-cohen is saying “no i don’t i don’t want to know what happened ….”

but I do! I do! Please!

I laughed so hard when my-boyfriend-andy-cohen is like literally no stop talking and says “I want to murder myself. Seriously I want to murder myself”…. all the hours upon hours of housewives reunions and this pushes him past his point. It’s really saying something. Well done Landon and Kathryn.

Ok wait why isn’t Landon taking a glass and cheers’ing at the end with everyone?

seriously? just hold the glass if nothing else?

I’m now so paranoid of reunion babies that I’m thinking “Did Thomas knock Landon up? And she’s not drinking?”

I need help…. or that drink that Landon won’t touch – I’ll take it.

well…. as we discussed last week ( I think? ) they were already filming season 4 with Kathryn acting like a lunatic…. so as one season ends, I’ll distract myself with other trash and follow the twitter fights online until we finally get another season premiere!

:: RHoNY ::

My big question with Jules and her “coochie-coo” is WHY was she climbing through a window?? But for her it doesn’t seem so odd somehow…..

and seriously at this point I WANT to see that picture on her cell phone of her va-hoo-haw

like….. what could possibly be going on down there???

I’m so intrigued

it’s like “don’t look at the car accident when you drive by!” – but somehow you HAVE to – and then you immediately regret it.
Thank Goodness she has Dorinda to talk to because poor thing is going through a hell of a lot during all this filming and I think none of them are even aware.
The scene with the plastic surgeon this week just killed me – she is hilarious.

Bethenny looks ridiculous with this red hair and jumpsuit for skinny girl.

sorry this Coffee Talk involves NADA but next week more entertainment should be on the ol tube.

:: maze of the week ::

to everyone in T Swift’s squad.

I mean….. I couldn’t have been more jealous of their 4th of July weekend

:: jack hole of the week ::

ABC + The Bachelorette.

This was the SECOND week of the season with no episode! Come on ABC! You can’t do this to us!

You better machete up to us with Bachelor in Paradise big time…….

I know Jorge won’t let me down.

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either. or the day after that.

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

June 30, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves….

:: peoples couch junior edition ::

Ok. I know this aired about 3 weeks ago but I am late to the party and just watched it. People’s Couch is off for summertime (AHH) but they did a 30 minute episode with young british kids watching TV and I was so prepared to be like “aw how cute blah blah blah” and instead:

I couldn’t even handle what was going on and was covering my eyes and flipping out.

They have these little kids watching a show called “Birth: The womb at 16 weeks”

SERIOUSLY?

I can’t. hands over eyes disgusted can’t do it.

I’m thinking…. PHEW we made it through that, on to something funny.

THEN

Jurassic Park.
like, the part with the dead baby lamb being hurled onto the windshield of the car……

I mean, I can handle it, I’ve seen the movie a ton and its not like a “horror movie” and Kip watches it every damn time they play it on TV – which is all the time except for when that superhero movie with Robert Downey JR is on or the big one Independence Day is on and he watches that instead …. …

but I digress…..
but seriously, why are these kids watching all of these scary things?
AND THEN. I have to LITERALLY fast forward through the rest of it because they start to show an Animal Planet-esque type of show with BABY
ELEPHANTS being eaten by alligators!!!!

SERIOUSLY-MY-BOYFRIEND-ANDY-COHEN?!?!
why would you subject these little kids to this thing and WHY are you subjecting us to watching them watching it?!

:: bachelorette ::

okay, no more leather jackets people, there are about 7 too many on these dates.

Poor Wells. Hashtag Wells for the new Bachelor.

None of these other losers would have done a creatine powder ceremony for Chad.

I seriously can’t get over how big of a jerk Alex is.

the first episodes where he was nice and none on this was “revealed” I was like “aw he’s handsome I feel bad for him that he’s so much shorter than the other guys and that they just aired him running and jumping to get into that chair for millions of people to see”

but NOW, after he acts all mean and like a total chach (why does my computer keep trying to change chach into coach, I googled, it says its spelled chach) I’m like “listen little man you better lock it up and quit being mean!!!”
he’s like the new villain now that chad is gone?!

I can’t even look at Luke and his brooding angry anorexic face that Jojo somehow finds so sexual that I don’t know how she hasn’t pulled a Canadian-quickie-like-Kaitlyn.

EWWWWWIIEEEEE

We ALL know he is making it to top 3 because for how touchy feels she is with everyone she makes it WAY clear she is going to rip his clothes off fantasy suite week for sure.

I just can’t. I honestly can’t.

Poor James Taylor is too emotional and sweet for all of this.

I hope girls are THROWING themselves at him now that this is airing because he deserves it.

and he is right about Jordan!!!! you DO act entitled Jordan!!!

when it was against Chad it all seemed normal, but really, all you do is

smile and laugh and shake your head like a cocky asshole at every comment instead of explaining yourself or using words.

and quit swirling your white wine around and sitting aggressively staring at James Taylor after Jojo confronts you!

Don’t get pissed at JT! Jojo’s so blindly obsessed with you it doesn’t matter what anyone says – including you apparently because you say NOTHING – so lighten up chachstick.

PS – take a gander at this : jordan’s ex accused him of cheating on instagram and he did a massive twitter rant that is just hilarious (HERE)

OH and apparently twitter rants are his thing because when I was googling to find it, it only brought up his previous twitter rants about vanderbilt and football (HERE)

caption : douche.

it’s official : Jordan is awful and I’m over him.

I’m still team aaron rogers and olivia munn all the way though.

Tango 2-on-1 Date:

I mean I laughed so hard I almost cried when they have the Argentinian singer singing “don’t cry for me argentina” while derek cries in the cab leaving.

WELL PLAYED ABC. WELL PLAYED.

editors note : one of my bach brackets I had to pick everyone for every week before the first episode even aired and I had picked Derek to win because everyone else was saying Jordan and I was thinking maybe he dumped her at the end or who knows…. and Derek had the blue eyes and finance job. whoops. I was off.

Robbie, the king of too soon “I love you” even for this show {with a response of “Thank you” haha}

is officially Justin Timberlake as his character in Dick in a Box/Mother Lover.

am I right?!?! PREACH.

seriously what are you wearing and more importantly can every one of these guys PLEASE change their haircuts? Immediately? YOU FIRST ROBBIE.

~~Wee man~~ Alex is PISSED at the rose ceremony that he got a pity rose or the last rose or that he finally realized the producers keep putting him smack in the middle of all the tall guys so it emphasizes his small stature even more.

he pouts to the camera with his hands in fists at his side and slowly and dramatically says ” I want to feel …..WANTED!”

OH MY GOD first she keeps evan too long and now you?!?!

GURL BYE. Your days are numbered Alex!

:: southern charm reunion part one ::
OMG update : read HERE about kathryn apparently attacking a crew member this week during season 3 southern charm filming

as I mentioned on Tuesday,

Holy WTF is Kathryn wearing how AMAZING does it make this hour (and the next hour) of television.

because not only does she do her insane eye glances and staring at the ceiling and neck cranes and basically head twirling 360 degrees while she goes bat $#ey!te crazy not looking at who she’s talking to, she also keeps grabbing her pleated maroon skirt and moving it in like twirling motions all over the couch.

BLESS YOU BOYFRIEND ANDY COHEN for bringing this into my life.

and landon, sweetie, the earrings, these things are awful.
it’s better than a giant purple fur, but still, you would have looked beautiful in just the red maxi, take it down a notch you don’t need all that.

cameron, as always, couldn’t look better if she tried.

and thats the point – its like zero effort and she always looks like a freaking supermodel, with amazing facial expressions to match.

T-Rav’s family thinks the show is worse than when he went to prison

HAHAHA they aren’t necessarily wrong I just love it.

My favorite Kathryn line of the night:

” I didn’t really have a thought because irrelevance doesn’t exist in my brain”

continues blinking and jerking head and staring at ceiling

I AM LAUGHING SO HARD. I LOVE THIS.
next week is going to be nuts with this drug stuff and custody stuff and ALL THE STUFF.
but seriously those poor kids. thank goodness for that full time nanny of theirs who seems sweet as pie and in love with kenzie and hopefully does all of the child rearing like it seems.

ALSO how was it not mentioned on the show previously that the “alleged sex” between Thomas and Landon happened when Thomas took Landon on a Valentine’s trip that was supposed to be for Kathryn and T-Rav?!
WHAAAAATTTT!!!??

I guess that does add some fuel to Kathryn’s-crazy…..

and then Kathryn gives VERY detailed memories of the 2 weeks she stayed with Whitney where he denies ever being in any relationship of any kind or having any feelings or any of it happening…. like VERY detailed things that even a looney wouldn’t make up……

I mean seriously this will be the one thing where I’m team kathryn – whitney is such a liar and its so obvious.

then it starts to get more focused on Thomas and Kathryn and the 2 babies with no ring (that she so clearly wants because seriously someone help this girl what are her daddy issues because there must be something going on) and it all just gets real awkward.
for one, kathryn, its not that hard to not get pregnant but okay…. for future reference : BIRTH CONTROL.
and then it goes into how Thomas loves his kids and misses them and thats why they are with two nannies right now (seriously these poor kids!!!!) and then the drug and alcohol allegations come out and YOWZA next week will be a blowout and the segway to part II :
Kathryn gets up to sashay sashay away in her gone with the wind fabulous attire.

all I want is a gif of her in this outfit storming off or messing with her skirt or doing a crazy facial expression and my life will be made but there is NONE!
seriously my new worthless but serious passion needs to be creating gifs from TV shows because I can never find the moments I’m looking for.
anyone know how I can do this, holler at your girl.

:: RHoOC ::

Vicki, talking all quietly and slowly doesn’t make us think you are actually sorry or apologetic or deserving of compassion, but keep it up!

oh my…. every time I see Shannon start to talk in her confessional I just get nervous…. “I’m over the affair its been two years I’m over it we’re great”
ay ay ay….. just waiting for a breakdown.
“I’m happy David had an affair, because look where it got us in our marriage.”
NO SHANNON. NO. Oh I want to cry for you seriously.
but no I really do love me some shannon.
the best is when someone says something and it cuts to her in her confessional just going

“No” {I’m not explaining this one well…. if you watch ~~you know~~ maybe you get it}

it really gets me laughing. so does her get up for kitchen demo and the whole shabang.
Jeff Lewis loves her and dammit so do I!
(UM FLIPPING OUT PREMIERES IN 2 WEEKS!!!!!!!)

Yay for a new girl I love some newbies!

Holy eyebrows Kelly!

at Megan’s “demo party” Kelly goes to use the mobile saw in the wall and seriously it almost goes out of the wall into her leg it flipped the hell out of me.

I think I like Kelly already…. she spills the beans way too early about her personal life so the things to come are endless.

But no, I really like her because she seemed funny naming how she just did 3 things to piss everyone off like befriending Vicki and then asking tamra about her daughter who she didn’t know hasn’t spoken to her in two years.

Oops.
BUT REALLY :
main thing in this episode :
over Heather Dubrow’s dead body do they vacation at BEACHES.
seriously. NEVER would happen.

Last week, NY Housewives do plugs for HomeGoods and Priv …. and now the richest OC housewife whose cabinet budget is like 300K at Chateau Dubrow is going to BEACHES!?!?
um, not buying it.
but Terry’s line about not feeling guilty about his kids was sadly hilarious and Heather is going to be PEESED when she hears it 🙂 He really is funny though….. he just wants some damn onion rings and some kid-free time, is that so much to ask?!

editors note : no really….. how can I make my own gifs when I watch these shows….. this will motivate me in life greatly……

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: COFFEE TALK ::

June 24, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves……

:: RHoDallas Reunion ::

I really felt all the feels for Brandi at this reunion.

She was sitting there so quiet and meek…. and hearing about how her kids got kicked out of school for her behavior and for calling wine jesus juice made me sad.

she just seems so broken 🙁

I was SHOCKED at how much Cary cried?!

I understand why – just was surprised

She’s so “I don’t give an Eff” on the show?

and LeeAnne literally admits to NOTHING.

you say you were repeating the rumors you heard and you tweeted things about Cary having an affair, but no, you didn’t ever accuse them of having an affair?

WHA?

She literally won’t up to ANYTHING.

I mean, she even defends that “her definition of killing someone and your definition of killing someone are two different things” so I don’t know why this surprises me.

my-boyfriend-andy-cohen is like well then what did your tweet mean?

she’s like “oh that’s proof you shouldn’t drink and tweet”

and then at the end of the the Cary/Mark/Affaird debacle where she’s such a betch, she’s like “can i have a hug Cary? because I feel your pain?”

SERIOUSLY??????

right after staring at her husband and saying this is the meanest voice with the meanest face possible:

and then MARIE comes out – eyes wide and terrified.

damn I love her navy bow shoulder dress

LeeAnne : “you are who you walk into the charity world with”

Well, your best friend Tiffany is doing soft core porn on Skinemax!? Sooooo talking about poop or doing porn…hmmmm… which is a worse representation?

as someone who despises potty talk, I never thought I’d be defending all of these poop conversations

my-boyfriend-andy-cohen’s best line of the night

“in all the hours of filming housewives I’ve never asked something like this: did you poop in a bag?”

LeeAnne : “No, I pooped in a basket”

The other couch with the sense of humor is cracking up and saying “that’s awesome that’s amazing”, and LeeAnne is like giggling and smiling like “I know right ha it’s so funny now?” Well, then why are you still wanting to kill Marie over it?

Then LeeAnne continues her story (but, NEVER call it a story, only she can call it that, remember?) about this horrifying event of her boyfriend trying to murder her.

Sooooo explain to me how someone who has almost been killed, someone whose boyfriend attempted murder, says things like “I’m going to kill you” and defends it as if its some trivial sentence?

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. NO. WORDS.

Marie is clearly delusional, and rich, because she hired an entire social media team to be in charge of instagram and twitter and wrote a nursery rhyme about LeeAnne’s poop-gate.

and I WANT TO HEAR IT!

found it!

watch the video of marie reading it HERE

But seriously, Marie, I now understand why you were BFF with LeeAnne because GIRL you are nuts. It would have been SO easy for you to be the high road friend who was threatened to be killed and sat on the couch nicely and quietly, but now you’re acting cray!

Perhaps LeeAnne’s best “I’m the victim” line of the night, referring to Austin death threats:

“not only were y’all scared, I was scared too”

(WHAAATTTT!!!)

and she starts “crying” with no tears coming down AT ALL and just the high squeaky voice.

She continues the “crying “and voice cracking with no tears saying “I’m still that little girl”

OH and then my-boyfriend-andy-cohen’s second best line “and you’re in anger management?”

nodding, no tears.

I say it every week and I mean it.

LEEANNE LOCKEN IS THE CRAZIEST SCARIEST HUMAN IN HOUSEWIVES HISTORY.

and one more time for good measure

Charity (DRINK!)

:: RHoOC ::

I’m super excited this is back…. but not that much to report just yet.

Megan King Edmonds husband Jimmy is still a selfish jerk and I don’t understand how she doesn’t see any of it OR does see it and puts up with it.

“Jimmy said he didn’t want any more kids, and I told Jimmy I would leave him, so he said he’ll have a kid so I don’t leave him” Giant smiles from Megan.

GIRL? NO!

Did anyone see the Unseen Footage from Season 8 Special that they played?

Because Vicki looked amazing

like. AH MAZING. never better.

:: bachelorette ::

Chad’s gone so now everyone is going after everyone else.

come back chad! now we miss you!

Wells for the next Bachelor!

a Protein Powder funeral? He’s hilarious I love him

and I for one am NOT okay with them ganging up on sweet little Derek.

I liked Chase – no more. And Chase and little Alex need back the eff up.

and Alex…seriously… I was liking you and you seemed nice…. but you really outta stop calling people little bitches…. because we all watched you JUMP onto that high chair to sit with Jojo a few weeks ago. You can’t be wee man and mean man – lock it up.

and seriously Robbie? Saying “I love you” on your FIRST one on one date?

WHAT?

be a normal bachelor looney tune and just say “falling” in love until the final 3 fantasy suite week where you say “in love”…. everyone knows that!!!

also, how did I miss this comment?

and HOW was Evan on that long?

It was just getting mean people – he was seriously thinking she was going to mother his 4 children. It was getting RULL weird.

But, back to Chad.

via

chad posted and instagram kissing robbies ex and was on kimmel talking about it.

this guy is just seriously searching for attention and 7 minutes in the spotlight.

AND THANK GOD BECAUSE……. DRUMROLL…..

Chad is on Bach in Paradise 3 !!!!!!

I’m like ADD spazzing out all over it so excited for Bach in Paradise that I no longer care at all about Bachelorette.

not really, but you know.

:: southern charm ::

these people are truly insane.

I feel like I say that about a lot of shows….. like my first sentence in every post about every show…..but oh well it’s true

one of my favorite things is the several comments on how they didn’t even get to eat any of the amazing food and everyone left before the salad, which was literally all I could think about last week during the meltdown.

of course Thomas can’t understand why everyone left! why are they so sensitive! him hurling his face screaming and spitting at them through the gate should have shown them he wanted them to come back inside and sit down to dinner?

ps – ew to the end of the night when Thomas is like “hey… kathryn… wanna sleep over? and she says YEAH”

first of all… I’ve never birthed a child and I’m no doctor, but I don’t think thats allowed and please for the love of God quit procreating with one another.

and then later when he butters her up to keep her happy with “you’re so wise and intuitive beyond your years.”

kathryn : “Thank you for seeing that, yes, I’ve always known that.”

OK wait I want that oxygen therapy mask that Patricia has.

and why does she have a purple Dior fur? I know when you’re that rich you don’t need a reason, but really, why?

better question : why does Landon pick the purple and why does Patricia let her?

even better question : why must all these Charleston people wear fur there is no possible way you need a floor length fur coat people???

but I digress……

I love when Kathryn talks about her “calmly” talking to Landon about the Thomas situation – you have never talked calmly in your damn life!

Is this like how you don’t understand why people think you don’t behave well in social settings? We’ve yet to see you sane in ANY of them.

especially at the Founders Ball….

So: Finally! Founders Ball! The made up ball by Cooper who is openly gay but requires everyone attend the first time he did this as “woman escorted by a male” or else they couldn’t come.

Seriously?

Although it sounds like he finally realized the hypocrisy of it because people aren’t only man + woman dates this year.

She brings Landon’s friend as his date!!!! WHAT!!!! Shep!!! Not cool bro. You’re better than that.

also, shep’s date looks like the actress that plays Amy in Gone Girl and its giving me the chills.

Kathryn feels the need to upstage her attire for Thomas’ Dinner from Hell (Floor length green gown, black fur, elbow length black gloves, giant gold cuffs on each wrist) with a BRIGHT RED dress with a cape that flows behind her as she walks.

I mean, in one sense, can’t miss it. Girl loves an entrance. She is always the last one to arrive to any damn thing.

kathryn wants everyone to know she fears no one and nothing and wants them to know it instantly so she, as a red head, wears a bright red dress and slaps on a bright red lip to go with it.

OH and like these GIANT gold leather hand wraps on each hand.

seriously girl. wow.

and then it gets great IMMEDIATELY.

kathryn tells thomas to shoo and go mingle, he greets landon (cough and obviously puts his hand on her ass) and IT IS ON.

Kathryn bring Landon outside to talk.

Kathryn says “first of all I want you to know this is not a mean conversation”

Landon, over the blasting music : “what? I can’t hear you?”

Kathryn : ENRAGED!!!! FUMING. legit smoke out of ears. it’s time to throw down.

Me: hysterically laughing and slapping the couch! this girl is made for TV.

Kathryn : you propositioned Thomas!

Landon: I did nothing!

Kathryn : Goes A-Wol. Nuts. Talking so much crap. And then is like “Landon YOU are crazy I’m walking away”.

Me : grinning ear to ear WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!

outside the party:

Landon: I’ve done nothing

Kathryn : Then you’re fucking crazy

DROPS MIKE

now if only Landon hadn’t done a socialite southern “time to go now dah-ling” weird ass thing at the end it would have been so much better.

what is Kathryn going to do at the reunion?!

especially since the last line was she’s date saying “I wonder if Landon will ever admit to sleeping with Thomas”

:: #RKOBH ::

how AH-MAZING was Morgan’s wedding dress?

gorgeous.

I can’t.

Stunning.

:: jackhole of the week ::

whattayaknow

its a Kardashian!

18 YEAR OLD kylie jenneris selling her first purchase of a 2.7 million dollar mansion (now selling for $4 million) because it was merely a starter home. I mean, she can’t possibly stay in that hell hole! She bought it when she was 16!

She’s now buying a $6 million dollar

:: mazel ::

BIG BROTHER IS BAAACKKKKKKKKKK

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: so many shows, so little time ::

June 23, 2016

Those of you that have

~~no social life~~

~~an unhealthy relationship with your television like I do~~

had time to catch a little tube this week

may have noticed that this was practically the busiest TV week of the year thus far.

I mean….. even seasoned pro’s like myself could barely keep up.

And then you throw a ceiling leak and a DVR that didn’t tape a few things (don’t even get me started) so you have to actually watch it on demand with these things called “commercials” (gasp! the horror!) and it was all I could do to survive.

And THEN,
Big Brother premiered with a two hour premiere (only Part I, still more two hours to come tomorrow)

and suddenly I’m laying in bed with more anxiety from those damn competitions (3! already!?) and the multiple twists Julie Chen layed on us on night one than I had waking up from that dream in college where you forgot to drop a class and don’t realize it until the day of the Final Exam.

did you follow that last part?

but seriously…. my head is spinning.

I’ve got lots of my “special short hand notes” ready and waiting for my “editing” (aka semi-read the post maybe once at midnight so the 546 typos and grammatical errors are reduced down to 327) because there is just so much good stuff happening in the TV world right now.

Hashtag Blessed

so return tomorrow for a TGIF edition of Coffee Talk…. or should I say, a TGIC!!!

see…. this is why I can’t possible do it tonight.

Instead, I leave you with some real housewives parodies because I saw a clip of Amy Schumer’s and it got me thinking about Hotwives of Orlando ( amazing) and how I *still* have not watched Hotwives of Las Vegas. if you haven’t seen the Hotwives parodies yet, grab yourself a hangover, some Chik-fil-A with 27 dipping sauces because they’re so nice they really give you one of every kind and YES you dip a fry in every one, and your comfiest sweatpants to fit all of that Chik-fil-Aand thank me this weekend.

editors note : this must be on a Saturday of course because of Chik-fil-A closed on Sunday, so if you MUST do it on Sunday, I suppose you can pick another place with inferior waffle fries.

warning : the amy schumer one gets a little NSFW with that one word I can’t stand being said like 27 times but ya know, all in housewives humor good spirit.

Hotwives of Orlando

Hotwives of Las Vegas

Amy Housewives Audition

click here for the other clips where my-boyfriend-andy-cohen hosts the reunion

Housewives of Disney

Real Housewives of Disney by swippdu69

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: Coffee Talk ::

June 16, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves……

not many photos or gifs this week!!!

my apologies 🙂

:: southern charm ::

I’m confused about this “inconclusive DNA test”

was this on the first baby? or on this one?
and how the hell can it be inconclusive?

Landons sister Bam comes over to discuss the disarray of Landon’s life. And Bam’s facial expressions during this conversation are ridiculous

Landon clearly just wants a rich husband…which is what she had in the past and left….. but she doesn’t want to work. not work-work at least. ya know…. just like…. talk about the arts…. and travel…. and arts. in a magazine!!!
because that exists NOWHERE in print and NOWHERE online.

Bam’s crazy facial are amazing, but she is correct : there are plenty of jobs that pay a salary and give health benefits. But quit crying Bam.

it’s hardly like she’s a starving artist. I rewind 10 times everytime they show her house she’s renting in Charleston because its so insanely gorgeous. SHES FINE.

kathryn and thomas’ “things are great we have two babies were a perfect little family of four maybe this can work” last all of two seconds.

kathryn is trying so hard to calm her crazy and act like everything is perfect to not scare thomas away, and I gotta say, especially with the pregnancy hormones that has got to be damn near impossible for this girl.

she’s talking quietly and calmly with thomas about his upcoming dinner party for “St. Julien” (seriously? I can’t)

and all is great until he says Landon will be attending.

kathryns $#*T hits the fan, and naturally, within 5 seconds to get away from her thomas does what most would do:

Thomas tries to jump out the window

Kathryn remembers she’s trying to calm her crazy because for some reason she wants to be a family with the person she so clearly hates so she talks him back inside off the edge and is all “I’m totally fine with landon coming…..”

Kathryn is now ditching jennifer

thomas said if she wants to be in his life certain people can’t be in hers

smart move Kathryn…. ditch your only friend for your reliable as ever baby daddy.

Time for this Bravo show’s Dinner Party from Hell !!!

Thomas’ house is just FREAKING insanely gorgeous. I can’t even comprehend it.

it is so amazing with every perfect southern detail.

also, WHAT is everyone wearing?

why didn’t he set a dress code for this evening?

we have shep in a patagonia vest, and even craig is dressed down.

naomi is in-between with a dress, but with more casual boots.

then we have cooper in a blazer but came with a giant yellow puffer vest on top.

the puffer vest is nothing compared to the fur that enters on landon

a fur? who even owns a fur in charleston?

this is NEXT weeks PURPLE fur, this week was a more natural color for that charleston freeze of course

and then not to be upstaged by a fur, here comes baby mama Kathryn ready to stake her claim of at Thomas’ .

She’s in a full length green gown, a giant shawl, full black gloves, and giant wrist cuffs that go from her wrist to her elbow on both arms.

I’m having a hard time deciphering which group is dressed inappropriately : the too casual or the too dressy, but Im going to go with the lunatics in gowns and fur being in the wrong. mostly because its the two, landon and kathryn, that for some reason feel the need to try to impress T-Rav and play a role in his life. they are clearly MORONS.

People start arriving, and everywhere Kathryn turns she’s like uhhhh ehhhh ughhhh she’s here, ugh she’s here.

Craig : “I don’t know what any of these words mean

self righteous and sanctimonious?”

all I kept thinking during ALL of this was:

THEY HAVEN’T EVEN SERVED THE SALAD.

like, that three course meal was going to be AMAZING. I saw some sneak peeks at that salad with some crumbled goat cheese (perhaps feta, I’m guessing goat, either way it looked bomb) and some caramelized walnuts….. that looked so damn good. imagine what the main course was! (or entree? main? entree? which one is it supposed to be #belowdeck)

why couldn’t he have waited until after dinner for this meltdown!

Everyone hauls ass out of there and thomas like locks himself inside his gate in a rage and can’t figure out how to get out, and then skinny cooper is trying to hold him back and the golf cart almost drives straight into a car (Landon obviously driving) while Naomi barely escaped safely and got on the back.

a run on sentence was completely necessary for that.

oh, and I love the tiny twinkle we got to see of crazy Kathryn before next weeks finale of full blown lock her up crazy faces. her facials are nuts and I love it.

the “you sound like a dolphin” and her hand waving all over and “mmhhhhhmmm whatever okay” with huge eye rolls just kill me.

its like the 18 year old mean girl, and then you realize, wait, she practically is.

Apparently this week there was a drug test between the two parents of the year.
Because you know, they loved each other but now they are accusing one another of drug use, and then next week she’ll be preggo again.
Kathryn and thomas are in a custody battle over the kids and Kathryn apparently failed last weeks drug test!

also, thought I always think every episode:
JD drives me nuts

:: shahs of sunset ::

the mike + jessica stuff is heating up.
he is the worst, but how did she not see this coming from a mile away??

he is so disgusting though.

:: RHoDallas ::

I feel like the Season Finale should have been last week, with the $#*T show that ironically all started from a $#*T story in Austin where LeeAnne has to remind us that
“her definition of killing and everyone else definition of killing are two different things”

Ohhhhhh. Okay. We didn’t realize that. Thanks for clarifying. All good now, all good.

The only thing with Brandi this week was her acting like her husband is great and apologized and totally came around – yeah right! Brandi, grab your Jesus Juice and RUN for the hills from that ass.

The Lunatic that is LeeAnne cries about her life and her past to her cop boyfriend (grab your Jesus Juice and RUN too Rich!)
She says….. perhaps I do have anger problems…. so I’m going to go to a PR firm and tell them how amazing I am and try to give more motivational speeches about being a carny kid to people with far worst childhoods and histories than mine! DUH!
CHARITY YALL (DRINK)

she needs to tell the world that she, and you, were
“DESIGNED TO SHINE”!!!!
*I just deleted my big LeeAnne rant and need to shorten it up…… I feel like her Story (ITS NOT HER STORY! ITS HER LIFE) is horrible, but, hmmm, I don’t know, screaming at you best friend that your going to kill her because she spilled a secret isn’t justifiable because you have abandonment issues. and when you lose your marbles every 2 weeks because your carny kid days, no one feels sorry for you.

What happened with Tiffani this yawner of an episode? Oh, she continued to be a sad LeeAnne supporter, and then her and her “manly” with hair better than mine (~~not hard though, in his defense~~)
boyfriend went and looked at an AH-MAZING house.
did you see the neighbors??? in the “up and coming” neighborhood??
they’re making out in front of the new construction home with like a toilet seat on the front yard right next to them in the most dilapidated scary ass house on the block situation.

editors note : and my husband wonders why I don’t want to be living in one of the “up and coming neighborhoods”? I meannnnn gosh. I can’t possibly fathom why?
I can’t imagine who the neighbors are when thats what the state of their home is, and when the whole block looks like that. I’d just be parking in my driveway at night all calm and cool and collected…..sleeping like a baby at night…..

:: famously single ::

gotta watch it…… haven’t yet….. such trash….. you know its just calling my name

:: RHoNYC::

I feel like I never have my up to the minute commentary on NYC because it airs Wednesdays nights and sometimes I can’t watch it until Thursday.

but the two episodes at Dorina’s house in the Berkshires I was just like BETHANY ENOUGHHHHHHHHH you are the worst house guest

I cannot imagine ever going to someones home and behaving even ONCE for ONE MINUTE the way that she does, and she does it ALL damn day.
and then her and Carol try to run out of th house in the morning without saying goodbye?
WTF ??? like, bethenny, you have a seriously amazing sense of sarcasm and are so quick witted its nuts, but who do you think you are?! you’re behavior is horrifying.

I feel so bad for Sonja – leaving her out of everything does not help any situation
(and I’m sorry but your vacations are boring as hell without LuAnn and her causing trouble so seriously!)

Sonja’s one liners are amazing :
“she says she has no hard feelings, well what are these? SOFT BOILED?!”

Poor Sonja and the prosecco name. Once Bethenny sets her sights on you, you’re toast.
“I’m not selling to skinny bitches I’m selling to fat tipsy bitches.”
PREACH SONJA PREACH.
I mean….. if i had to choose, I choose tipsy girl hands down. obviously.

Everyone is shocked about LuAnnn instant love with her new man.
one of Sonja’s other great lines :
“I’ve been doing him forever, but hey, hes youuuuuuur soulmate!”

I’m just cringing watching LuAnn going around telling EVERYONE about her soulmate and how they’re going to get married. Just…. take a breather…. even if thats your plan and what you think (and I know they are now engaged) just shhhhhh. keep it to yourself for right now!!!
I had no idea she married her first husband The Count two weeks after meeting him!!!

LuAnn’s drink scene with Bethenny was hilarious though.
she really was so out of it and so strange – and of course bethenny’s commentary on the situation was hilarious and spot on.

also, next week Wednesday is a “Before they were Housewives” so set those DVR’s!!!!

apparently this week Jules husband filed for divorce 🙁
it was announced right before this weeks episode and I think they went back and re-edited the episode to air more footage of her and her husband? thoughts?
because nothing bad had ever been shown of their relationship, and there were never any previews of any of that either.
I feel awful for her she’s so sweet (and if they did go back and re-edit SHAME ON THEM you’re just as bad as bachelor/ette producers!)

Have a great day everyone, and remember,
you were DESIGNED TO SHINE!

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

June 9, 2016

discuss amongst ya-selves……

:: the bachelorette ::

let’s just start by saying, as someone who has never missed an episode of bachelor, bachelorette, pad, or in paradise EH-VER, I have seen a lot of producer hype and BS and “to be continued” and part I and part II. and it never leads to anything remotely as exciting as they make it seem.

but I have NEVER seen ANYTHING from the Bachelor that was as good as BOTH part I and II were. it was some of the best hours of Bachelor craziness I have ever seen.

like….. by the end of Part II on Tuesday I was legit SCARED as if I had just watched a horror TV show. he gave me chills.

#dontgochad #nowillbebored

so much happened that I seriously wish I could comment on ALL of it. my brain is having Tourettes from all the excitement and I can’t control myself.

we barely saw Jojo this whole 4 hours- it was the chad show.

Chase gets the first one one one – yoga!

now, I don’t do yoga, I’m not calm enough for that “stillness”

but call me crazy…. I don’t think straddling a man and staring into his eyes is “yoga”

but, hey, what do I know…..

I did not know erectile-dysfunction-specialist Evan had THREE kids.
Yeahhhh…. how long is the show going to force Jojo to keep him on? Because I’m starting to feel REALLY bad for him that he really thinks he has a chance at being the last man standing at the end of this. I’m concerned for him. He really thinks it’s all happening for him.

when evan gives the ultimatum that if chad stays, he has to go, I don’t know how Jojo didn’t say “well can’t I just send both of you home?”

instead, she gives evan the rose.

and chads facials are so insane and shocking that she has to stop talking and be like CHAD WHAT.

when he says “is this real right now? you’re actually into this guy”

I simultaneously think SAY IT CHAD! because we know its total crap she’s not into evan!

and also CHAD YOU’RE SUCH AN ASS.

because he truly is. he is TERRIFYING.

Back at the house, the steroids boys are getting closer.
one of the best parts of Chad’s conversation with the runner-up-wierdo of the house, Canadian guy with Claymation face,

is the “let’s pretend you’re Hitler” conversation.

Claymation says “lets pretend your Hitler” to explain how the guys in the house are feeling, while Chad eats a giant sweet potato/yam/whatever whole and is like “no lets not”

and Claymation Canadian is like “Just take it down from Hitler to Mussolini bro…. and lets get back to our creatine shakes and weight lifting bro”.

also…. serious question….. why was Claymation lifting in this butt-out-starting-at-chad position the whole time? and in teeny tiny little short shorts?

I just can’t.

James Taylor is THE cutest sweetest human being alive.

and thank goodness he actually is a good singer and has good songs or else it would just be so painful.

He is SO sweet. I honestly don’t know how someone can be that kind and I want to cry for him when she lets him go because theres no way thats who she picks.

I figured out why Luke weirds me out.

He looks like a druggie… like he has that sunken in look of a rock star on drugs…. I look at him and think “did I see you on an episode of Intervention?”……
Also, he doesn’t move his mouth much when he talks (makes me nuts) and has the giant chiclet teeth and talks from the side of his mouth…. and most importantly he BARELY smiles AT ALL…. not getting the sexy aspect at all.

what am I missing??? I really don’t get it with Luke ???
what is sexy about this????

all I see when I see him is this actor, William Defoe

I meannnnn for real.

of course I have no good Luke pics to use online, but trust me

but really, he’s creepy. he like STARES at her. and if I wasn’t already so freaked out and concerned about Chad killing people, I’d be thinking Luke was a killer.

who would have thought the bachelorette would mess me up like this?

but seriously…. I think Jojo’s type is “Creepy with the possibility of committing a murder”

Back to Chad……

OF COURSE Chad and Alex are picked for the two on one. Surprise! What a new tactic producers!

Before the 2 on 1, Chad literally says he’s going to come find Jordan and basically kill him.

HOW ARE THE PRODUCERS NOT REMOVING THIS PERSON AT THIS POINT. it’s gone on FOR DAYS. on big brother (hashtag best show ever starts so soon), someone made a verbal threat and they were ejected from the house within 10 seconds. I’m beginning to think that the show UnREAL that makes the producers of the bachelor look like sick freaks is way more true than we’d like to think.

ANYWAYS….. I digresss….

when Jordan is talking to Chad and he threatens him basically within an inch of his life, I’m like JORDAN STOP LAUGHING HE REALLY WILL FIND YOU STOP STOP STOP.

he is SO SCARY.

I feel really bad for Alex walking next to Chad in those little combat boots (Alex…. WHAT were you thinking with that outfit? it’s not LITERALLY the military date, its just a hike!)
he looks so tiny next to the crazy pants….

and of course they send the psycho man threatening to destroy people into A REMOTE FOREST IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

and then Chad is whistling as he walks through the forest trying to contain his anger and in search of more meat to eat — this was one of the more disturbing aspects.

oh, I also loved Chad’s conversation with Chris Harrison. “I mean, they’re saying I’m on steroids and it’s like, I couldn’t have brought that here!” As in, of course I’m on steroids but you all go through my bags so I can’t have them with me so I’m going insane.

I didn’t Coffee Talk last week, but I just remembered and had to comment on when Alex suggests her and JoJo sit in the giant 10 foot chair and he has to jump up into it I almost died. I mean he’s so sweet and cute… never gonna happen though.

but in all seriousness, I think she is the touchy-feeliest bachelorette of them all.

but she just really goes in for the constant rubbing and touching. and she really goes in for the makeout real quick.

you can tell who she’s into by who she just dives right in for the make out the second they are alone… and the ones she just keeps talking to.
LIKE EVAN. now that we’ve addressed Chad can we PLEASE address Evan Jojo?)

the more I watch the more I think everyone is right with Jordan being the one…..

perhaps because the only thing that gets her to send Chad home after ALL of his BS and terrifying behavior is Alex telling her that he threatened Jordan.

oh, and check out chad’s instagram if you have no life like me just to see what a total douche he is.

Did I ramble enough about The Bachelorette?

because seriously – I’ve never seen 4 hours of this show that were as nuts as that. ever.

OH, and of course they still dragged it into the next episode

I meannnn…… I’m not even mad.

with Chad going back to where the guys are staying and scratching his hands down the glass for them to open the door true serial killer style.

ok I’m maybe possibly probably not done with that show now……….

:: real housewives of dallas ::

why is next week the finale? whyyyy!!!

because even though this housewife franchise is really weird and kind of sucks,
I am of course sucked in and TOTALLY into it.

I guess we didn’t realize Brandi’s statements about LeeAnne were some serious foreshadowing

i’ve said it once and i’ll say it again, Leanne is CER-TI-FI-A-BLE.

more than anyone in housewives history. duh duh dunnnn.

the night starts with LeeAnne telling Cary “judge” is an awful word, and so is hate.

mmmm okay. throw “charity” (DRINK!) into that conversation a few times for good measure LeeAnne so you feel holier than thou.
THEN
cut to the end of the night and she is breaking glass, screaming bloody murder, and telling her best friend “IM GONNA GUT YOU”.

I CAN’T.

and then in the morning……

just kidding. but basically.

in the morning she’s all…. “y’all know, when someone pushes me, I go to my dark childhood, and yeah…..”

you can’t keep apologizing and making excuses and then keep doing it over and over again! that’s not how it works LeeAnne!

she yelled so loud that she woke Brandi up from the depths of her severely alcohol induced sleep

I mean, even Brandi admits, that’s a pretty damn difficult thing to do! that’s how loud it was!!!!

yet…somehow Tiffani never even heard a peep? riiiiiiiiight……

LeeAnne’s like “yeah… I know I broke some glass and screamed I was going to gut you… but y’all…. Carny Life is hard. So once two hours has passed, be over it. it’s morning now!”

I mean…. she “isn’t Jesus everyone.”

She feels the need to remind the ladies that “she’s a person! if she were Jesus she would be nailed to a cross!”

I SERIOUSLY CAN NOT WITH THIS WOMAN. SHE IS SO DELUSIONAL.

ALSO. why leanne feels the need to explain IN DETAIL the poop story even further is just beyond me. NOT HELPING LEEANNE.

I can’t wait for this finale + reunion. watching LeeAnne attempt to defend her words, actions, general all-day-eery-day behavior when she isn’t at a CHARITY (drink!) event is going to be great.

:: im a lunatic ::

my brain does not function like a normal persons.

we’ve discussed this before.

I can recall ANYTHING that I do not need to know at any time. Useless information is a skill I excel at.

Two perfect examples of it this week

1. we’re watching Miss USA and it pans to the audience and I scream OH MY GOD ITS DEREK AND SANTA FROM THE BACHELORETTE!

like…. a .2 second reaction time. what is wrong with my brain? they were just sitting in the background.

and THEN. a really creepy one

2. we’re watching shahs of sunset where reza goes to do his standup and I scream OH MY GOD REWIND IT REWIND IT!

I see, in the background, practically blurry, at a table of 10 people, not at all what I should be looking at, the little blonde boy from project runway juniors, Matt.

image

seriously what is wrong with me?

I was simultaneously amazed by my useless skills and disgusted with myself.

happy thursday !!!

EDITORS NOTE :
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.

#hypocrite #sorryimnotsorry