The Sarcastic Blonde

fashion, food, fitness + a dose of sarcastic gossip

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::


discuss amongst ya-selves…….
:: THE BACHELOR :: 
confession : I turned on the bachelor and the IOWA CAUCUS came on and I was like OH HELL NO ABC you know this is Bachelor night.  I don’t remember what exactly I yelled at the TV but my husband unfortunately witnessed it, and then I calmed down because the show came on and it was only blocked for a few minutes and I was like “but yes I’m totally watching politics AFTER the bachelor sweetie…… duh….. this is just ‘bachelor nation time ‘before it is ‘our nation is going to hell in a hand basket lets see who takes us there time'” 
thoughts on the bachelor 
1. when Ben sneaks in to wake up at the girls in the morning, he is wearing the tightest white pants ever and it is repulsive.  they look like the tight white pants francine-ben-the-bachelor wore and it is all sorts of NAY NAY FLUFFY.

2. wait really who’s WHEAVE is that on the nightstand
whose wHHHHHeave – I actually really want to know

3.  ok its been driving me crazy seeing this twin with the bandaged thumb…. WTF did she do to her finger because it must have been BAD and why didnt we get to see that?? thats good TV! 

4. cute little amanda – or ‘Teen Mom” as Olivia bitchily calls her – REALLY needs to stop using the word ‘like’.  it truly was every other word.  it was fascinating that it could even be interjected in a conversation that many times. 
but seriously, I can’t believe she says the Teen Mom thing to her face?! Who are you!? 

5. kindergarten teacher killer hair girl lauren also has KILLER LEGS and looked amazing walking on the runway for this mexican fashion show.  (these dates are seriously so stupid sometimes).  but I’d kill for her hair and legs, so therefor I like her.   and Ben surprisingly looked really good walking down the runway 

and since I have grown less and less attracted him each week, especially after the skinny pants this week, that is a HUGE (pronounced UUGE like the obnoxious people that don’t say the H) UUGE complement. so you’re welcome ben. 

6.  I feel like this season I like so many of the girls – they all seem so nice and normal and with the exception of Jubes and Olivia they are really like each other.  It’s nice.  But who needs nice this is the bachelor lets spice it up ABC Ben is making me fall asleep!! 

7. I could never be on this show because they never eat on these dates.  The food in front of them is in perfect presentation from the moment they sit down to the moment he gives the rose.   I would be going CRAZY – like – can we stop talking about our most dramatic moments with our horrible exes for 5 minutes so I can stuff my face real quick because that would be great mmmk thanks. 

8. I hate these to be continued things.  Do we think he will take back Olivia’s rose next week ? I don’t…. and I hope not – now that Jubes is gone she is our only chance for ANYTHING spicy even if its just the horrible jaw completely open face she makes.  

9. stop eating the damn flower Olivia. STOP IT. 
THAT’S ENOUGH

10. ok now twin finger is annoyingly crying about Olivia, be a grown ass woman and lock it up, but her finger is legitimately wrapped in a full blown shower-size-towel WHAT DID SHE DO TO IT AND WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH? 

and overall NewsFlash to Ben : since when is Mexico City ‘such a romantic place to fall in love’. 
no.  its the airport you maybe have to fly through to get somewhere else but avoid at all costs and fly direct.  
sorry not sorry you know you agree too. 


:: RHOBH :: 
Kathryn’s husband is SO HANDSOME. 
when they keep showing him just standing there are at the moulin rouge party – my GOODNESS.  boy is FINNEEE. 

when I’m looking up pictures its not the same effect, but him at that party was 100%. 
LVP “I want someone who’s eyes are going, who won’t see the dimples in my ass”
I concur LVP, I concur. 
the drama with OJ stuff is just crazy (and the timing with the new OJ show is just perfect)

and sorry but I am for sure on team kathryn because no matter what camille is correct and she will always, always be the morally corrupt faye resnick. 
I really hope that this Yolanda and munchhausen’s syndrome stuff is done for.
I’m so glad Lisa Rinna went and apologized because I have been like LISA CLOSE THAT MOUTH. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW. I LOVE YOU STOP SAYING THESE THINGS. 

but I’m glad you owned your sheeite and hopefully you can keep those big lips closed for good about it now. 

:: POTOMAC ::
are any of you watching this real housewives of the I’m sorry where what huh ? 

I haven’t watched it yet…. I just don’t know if I can commit to something else…. but if even one of you leaves a comment saying ‘its decent so maybe….’ then I’m sure I’ll get addicted.
so please don’t tell me you watch it and its good…. I don’t know if I can take it…. I have so many things lined up that I need to marathon and start : The Jinx, The Affair, Narcos, The Good Wife, Friday Night Lights, I literally could name 9,000 things that I have never seen and I hate disappointing people and feeling the self-shame when I have to admit it.  I try really hard to live up to my pathetic reputation. 

at the mention of Witchiepoo I was like OH MY GOODNESS HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT CARLTON? she was the woooorst. 


I am so behind on my television this week and it is giving me anxiety.
and I taped the People vs OJ Simpson and am super excited to get into it this weekend….. I have super high expectations.  are any of you watching?  

:: MAZEL OF THE WEEK :: 
my husband, who will never read this.
he just turned to me while we were watching Mike + Molly and he said “you know what? this set is the same set from King of Queens.  their house is the same house.”

BE STILL MY BEATING HEART.
HOW DID I NOT REALIZE THIS AND HOW THE HELL DID HE? 
….. my valentine’s is starting early people…..  he is spewing romantic stuff at me already! 
EDITORS NOTE : 
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  
#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.



by  
coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

discuss amongst ya-selves…… 
 
sooooooo it’s currently 11:55 PM and I am just starting this weeks Coffee Talk due to a work thingy, and then trying on and throwing across the room everything I own in an attempt to pack for my girls weekend this weekend.  (more from packing than the late work stuff… you know how it is) 


I am flying to visit my best friend from home who got transferred to Philly with her husband….
…. so I’ll land and spend the night there and then we are promptly going to NYC for the weekend to get her out of Philly 🙂 
no offense Philly. it was her idea not mine.  and a great one. just kidding not really.
BUT I DIGRESS…… 


a brief coffee talk so that I don’t sleep through my alarm in the AM. 


:: WWHL :: 
First, some things from last week that I did not share because there too much TV in my brain to recall the super important world news we need to discuss when Thursdays roll around! 

When Khloe Kardashian was on WWHL last week, my-boyfriend-andy-cohen said her name ALL NIGHT as  “kloh-ayyy”



please tell me I’m not the only one who noticed this and thought it was SUPER ANNOYING?
I was thinking “andy oh my gosh stop you’re embarrassing me!”
and it also reminded me of how the kardashians say kanye’s name weird …. they say like kahn-YAY.


SPEAKING OF KAHN-YAY GO READ THIS RIDICULOUS TWITTER RANT HE WENT ON.
LITERALLY CAN’T EVEN JUST WONT WITH HIM.  
but seriously my-boyfriend-andy-cohen knock it off with “kloh-ayyy”


AND THEN durmot mulroney was on later in the week.

my best friends wedding and the wedding date are two of my favorite movies ever 
(if you recall, monday I discussed my love for Monster In Law.  clearly I have very high standards for what I deem to be oscar worthy performances.)
anyways, he was HORRIBLE.
awful.
and you could tell my-boyfriend-andy-cohen thought he was an awful guest too (I love when you can tell he is super disappointed in his guests and their responses).


:: BACHELOR BULLET POINTS :: 


jojo : “i think we all fell in love with ben when we saw a note written to us on a billboard in vegas”
what? no? i like you.  stop saying stuff like this. stop. 


ben : quit acting like “you” have more surprises in store on dates.
one of the things that drives me the most nuts about this show. 
you didn’t plan any of this. the jig is up! 

the twins from vegas : when the two of them do the confessionals together its just really creepy….. and then they say “we want the one on one” … then it wouldn’t be a one-on-……nevermind forget it…. 

I still firmly stand behind my statement that Lauren H Kindergarten teacher’s hair is INSANELY GOOD.

and I think she was 100% tipsy on their alone time together but still functional on that group date so Lauren H is moving straight to the top of my list! 


Olivia is the worst and the only thing worse than her is HER OUTFIT TONIGHT on the group date


no, not that one.

the hideous gray jumpsuit thing that is giving cameltoefupa to the max. 



Ben about Becca : I need to know if becca can feel
Ben to Becca : Its good to feel, I want you to feel, please feel
just feel, please feel, I need to know that you’re ready to feel


BEN. STOP.  YOU’RE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

olivia, remember when Lace the crazy girl constantly talked to ben about how she wasn’t crazy ? kind of the same thing when you are constantly bringing up that you are not insecure and are super confident.  not working. and if ya really want to persuade him
THEN STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.




Amber : you have done this before! You should know better than to have a meltdown and cry about how you could have married him and love him.  

What are you doing!!! Don’t embarrass yourself on national TV twice! 



:: RHOBH :: 
LVP goes straight for Cathryn -“how old are you” “is your husband younger than you”
 what ? PEOPLE DONT ASK THAT?
that is never a follow up question to how old are you? 
you CLEARLY googled her and know about her – why would you ask someone that question unless you knew the answer was ‘YES MUCH YOUNGER’
LVP goes straight into her 21 questions game with her and 
Cathryn’s like WTF LVP? 

Camille is there! YAY CAMILLE! 

 a dinner party with the “Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick” AND Cathryn must have just been a great moment for Camille. 
but in all seriousness CAN YOU IMAGINE being cathryn and sitting across the table from the morally corrupt faye rescind after her writing that stuff about you!?!? RHOBH is going DEEP into some bad sheeyite. national news bad sheeyite.  you know my-boyfriend-andy-cohen is loving it. 
:: MAZEL :: 
camille.  just because. of everything season one was and will never be again.



and thats all I’ve got because I’m the worst and my resolution to prepare blog posts early has taken a back seat to watching more television….. it’s really working out. 
EDITORS NOTE : 
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  
#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.



by  
coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: COFFEE TALK ::

discuss amongst ya-selves….. 
  
:: THE BACHELOR :: 

GROUP DATE :
 let’s get 12 girls who have probably never placed soccer every and just spent hours doing their hair and make-up to play soccer and then send 6 losers home with no real date!! great idea!! 


I really, really, really like this blonde girl with the KILLER HAIR who says “I have zero ball handling skills”

ONE on ONE date w JUBILEE: 
jubilee is super awkward.
so awkward.
can’t. handle. it. awkward. 

‘this isn’t a hot dog? this tastes like s#!+’

…… and I really didn’t think this show could step it up from a sob story about either  a mom/dad but with her, they took to a whole new level.  she tells him she is the only person alive in her family.  and then it’s date-rose time and DUN-DUN-DUN the rose goes to Jubilee.
(horrible about her family – awful awful awful – but seriously chris harrison ain’t lying….. this show every year gets more “dramatic” ….. sorry girls with one parent who has passed away, no one on one date for you! that’s not enough!)

I really liked Caila so far, but then she was sobbing hysterically to the other cute girl JoJo who still seems normal….. um…. 



have you seen this show before? Did you not know this was how the dating situation worked? Did someone slip something in your drink? 
LOCK IT UP CAILA. LOCK IT UP. 


if Olivia ever tries to act like its editing making her look like the villain of the season, tonight cleared all of that up.
Ben walks in to the rose ceremony and announces that he just found out that 2 close family friends passed away in a plane crash.  
IMMEDIATELY when he finishes talking, Olivia grabs him to share her own important emotionally crippling news.


that she has cankles.
and she cries about it.
and uses the words “uh, I always try to be so strong” whilst starting to cry about the “blogs that have been written” about her cankles. 

heres a clip of it for those of you that missed this gem! 


WOAH. SHOCKER of the week.  Lace sends herself home!! 

this is a twist I never saw coming!!  Lace leaves to work on loving herself!  herself mainly because it makes me think Lace has some brains and doesn’t want to embarrass herself on national TV with all of this nonsense….. but then she quotes her own tattoo and I’m like eeerrrmmmm maybe not.  

I speak for America when I say we’ll miss you Lace. 

thank GAWD we still have Olivia to be a lunatic. 


:: RHOBH :: 
can all of you PLEASE stop talking about Kim to Kyle?
you are at KYLE’s event! at HER store!
it’s her special day!
GOOD LORD JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTHS ABOUT KIM IN FRONT OF HER FOR 5 SECONDS!



LVP still makes me INSANE.

preach kim richards preach! 


and WHY THE HELL IS KEN SITTING AT THE DINNER TABLE WITH ALL OF THE WOMEN AND SPENDING ALL DAMN DAY WITH THEM.   

and he starts getting bitchy and lippy with Eileen immediately too – NO ONE WAS TALKING TO YOU KEN.  

I.CAN.NOT. 
GO. AWAY. you are ALWAYS there. 
go find your own freaking friends for goodness sake! 


Erica is still a goddess and I love her. 


:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 
get ready for what I say every week
OHHHHHH me gosh this show and these people are SO MESSED UP and I CAN’T DIVERT MY EYES FROM THE CAR CRASH. 
even the two second clips they show from when the camera crew wasn’t even really filming and it was personal cameras, like lala and james humping each other on the airplane, I want to vomit in my mouth! who acts like this! especially with JAMES. 


I just feel really sad for these two.  I do not understand.

and I really don’t understand, yet find it hilarious, that Tom gets that excited and talks THAT MUCH to his own fiance about seeing a girls boobs.
but then I circle back to why I feel sad for those two, and I guess why seeing boobs is a big deal for a 30+ year old man. 
like, seriously, I’m laughing so hard – even in this photo you can see that he is SO EXCITED. 
(other tom looks like he’s thinking “oh shoot copy him!!!  stare and play with my hair to keep up the act that I am actually interested in women!!!)

jax continues to BOGGLE MY MIND.
the level of pathological lying and complete and utter care for anyone elses emotions is INSANE.
he KNOWS he is wearing a microphone and on film when he says things, he KNOWS its going to air on television and people will see it, and he STILL thinks he can deny it.

and then he’s on WWHL and still trying to deny it slash act like its a different situation and deflect to something else.
HE IS TERRIFYING. 

and more terrifying is brittany.  what is wrong with YOU for dating him!!?? 

and to add to the 587 page list of things wrong with him, HE WEARS HEADBANDS.

ALSO, MOST TERRIFYING :
what is this about not being able to drink legally on the beach in Hawaii?
Note to self: it’s OKAY that you haven’t made it to Hawaii….. move it on down the bucket list…… 

fly 10 hours to not be able to even have a cocktail on the beach? huh? this has to just be limited to where these low lifes are staying because that makes NO sense. 
(I just said ‘these low lifes’…… I am turning in to my mother….)

:: GIRLFRIENDS GUIDE TO DIVORCE :: 
get ready for what I say EVERY WEEK. 
this show is amazing, I love all of these characters.
who knew Bravo could come up with a  show that has such a great mix of female friendship, love, sex, humor, sadness, ALL OF IT. 
I feel all of the feels when I watch this show. and I want to be BFF with all four of them.
you know who I totally forgot about and my mother-nance-pants reminded me of? 
Janeane Garafalo! Remember she was the random friend who stole her kids and ran away in the middle of the night!? Never to be heard from again!? 
And they just hoped we’d forget or something?
Well done Bravo, you can read me like a book, because I completely forgot she even existed.
Jo is such a better character.  Love. 
and I won’t ruin anything for those not caught up, but they seriously have a cliff hanger for each episode this week I was like NO NO NO NO!!!!! 


:: NEWLYWEDS THE FIRST YEAR ::
oh my goodness are any of you watching this season?
oh my.  so many things, but these two.  

week after week the more I learn the more my face is that emoji with the giant unblinking eyes. 
and the couple with the husband that slept with 14 hookers in brazil and has a polygamist dad?! you read that correctly. YOU CAN’T MAKE THAT STUFF UP. 


:: mazel of the week :: 
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it goes to lala. 
specifically, to lala’s breast implants.
if you’ve been reading for awhile you know I have a bit of boobsession.  



I meannnnnn that rank up there with the best of ’em for being small and normal and completely natural looking!
 everything else with lala I’ll pass on, but I know how to compliment a lady where a compliment is due!!! 
and I really did google a bunch of combinations of things to find a more acceptable picture but SORRY IM NOT SORRY this is all I saw in google images to get the point across.   it’s not like I’m appropriate with other stuff anyways…… and pasties make it totally acceptable, right? right! 

EDITORS NOTE : 
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  
#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.


by  
coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: Coffee Talk ::

discuss amongst ya-selves…… 

:: The Bachelor :: 
it’s already getting soooo good 🙂 
I’m so glad the producers completely manipulate the show so that Lace is still around. 
“I want to make sure Ben doesn’t think I’m some crazy girl”
— things said by completely 100% certifiably insane crazy girls.


also, she looks COMPLETELY different this week than she did the first night to me. 
linsey, who I want to be best friends with, commented with the BEST thing ever:
Lace is 100% SNL’s The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party 

she talks through her teeth like her and even looks just like her.
I can’t. too good. 
her rambling on about her elementary school pictures and how difficult it was for her to talk to ben about it….. someone please help this girl.  lunatic. 


moving on to Olivia….. 



her faces….. are really creeping me out….. 



she’s being all dramatic sitting on the couch, with her face looking like this (see above and below) waiting for her name to be called for the first ‘one on one date’…… 




……and then when Caila gets it (like her, she’s adorable) Olivia’s face drops and it was  HIGH-larious. 
 of course I can’t find a photo of that…. 
but trust me its not as good as the two gems above 🙂 






….and THEN her face when she won most compatible on that stupid love-science date – just close your dang mouth already! damn girl!! 






I felt SO bad for Sam when she got the lowest score, Ben said she smelled sour, and then sent her home at the end.  Ugh.  Awful.

Also, if I had to put on tiny white spandex and a white tank top next to all of those skinny betches on national TV I would have been like ARIVADERCI BEN.

On these group dates, I’d be the girl with the oversize T over my swimsuit in the pool, or like in a mumu sitting on the edge of the hot tub with just my feet in like “sorry producers, I was unable to successfully catch mono prior to coming here, so over my dead body will you get a shot of my ass for america to see mmmmmkthanks bye.”
or who are we kidding I’d be the girl that got drunk night one and kicked out before the rose ceremony even started…. PAH-REACH!!!!






:: Kardashians :: 


Kourtney on this weeks episode after Kanye’s Fashion Week runway:
 “Doesn’t Kanye’s collection just inspire you !!!”

THESE PEOPLE ARE MORONS. 

and then…. this is the stuff that Kourtney puts on her app.
that people pay for.


I have no words.


the only thing more terrifying than this…..
Kylie’s video about 2016 and her Resolutions (video)

HASHTAG OUR CHILDREN ARE SCREWED AND THE WORLD IS DOOMED.

:: RHOBH :: 



episode 4567 of Vanderpump really GRINDING MY GEARS.


she starts the episode with cornering sweet little Eileen about meeting her husband and the affair and acts like she has NO IDEA what she is hearing. 






its not news. your ex – bff brandi even flipped out on her about it last season.  


vanderpump exhausts me. 


although I do agree, Eileen just say I don’t want to talk about this. 


and then Vanderpump does it all over again to Erica. 


and does it every single week to kyle!! 


all while smug little ken sits in the limo next to her.


do you think ken gets embarrassed being lisa’s little toy and following her around and going to the luncheons and dinners with all of the women and then “leaving” when they sit for dinner? 


do you think he has any idea that he is just the bigger version of Giggy that can’t fit in her lap, but plays the same role? 


HASHTAG DEEP THOUGHTS BY TAYLOR. 





bethenny is back and I kinda love it! I love a housewives crossover! 






bethenny about vanderpumps magazine cover + party


“thats a magazine? bella? I’ve never heard of it? “



hahahaha- YASSSSSS. 


bethenny to erica’s face saying mean comments but acting like they aren’t and then having the comments get meaner and ruder when she is hosting her at her house? not so much. lock it up B. 





learn to bow down to the queen that is Erica cuz I LOVE HER. 


“I don’t know anything about margaritas. And I don’t know anything about being skinny. So I don’t mess with her SkinnyGirl shit and maybe she shouldn’t mess with mine.”


PREACH ERICA PREACH! 





I hate seeing this David and Yolanda stuff…. her saying she doesnt know how she would go through it without him…. him making not funny asshole comments about her breast explants.  ugh.  its too much.  






:: jackhole of the week :: 
I’m watching WWHL with ma-boyfriend-andy-cohen and he has eva longoria on and ryan seacrest.  
{after CURSING THE TV that we didn’t will the Powerball. EFF THIS SHEEYITE}
kip just turned to me and said  “who’s that?”
about ryan seacrest.
seriously. seriously. 
I mean its definitely the most understandable out of all of his “who is that” …. nothing compared to “who’s barbara walters” ….. but still ….. he’s an alien. 


as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  
#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.






by  
coffee talk, friday randoms, Lifestyle

:: friday things : mini coffee talk ::

:: friday things ::
 mini coffee talk and more……. 

we made it to Friday!  and we finished the first week back at work after the thrill of holidays and new years….. luckily for me it went by pretty quickly

:: mini coffee talk ::

a few TV related things that I never mentioned in coffee talk (and things I learned about from you lovely readers since yesterdays coffee talk…… )

The Cut (NY Mag) did a great article about The Bachelor and where it started and where it’s gone now.  For anyone that has ever watched, I think you’ll enjoy it.

even if you don’t want to read the whole thing, scroll to the graphic of “Bachelor by the Numbers” for a quick glance at the craziness of the last 20 seasons (36 including bachelorette, bachelor pad, bachelor in paradise).
and then get a HUGE LAUGH knowing that I have seen…….
you guessed it : every. single. episode. of. them. all. 

:: RHOBH / Yolanda :: 
one of you commented and told me about The Real Skeptics of TV and a woman seriously investigating Yolanda and her Lyme Disease.
and to that I say ‘nay nay fluffy’! 
but still… I’ll read anything 🙂 you know…. they say reading and like, doing Sudoku or something will help me later in life to keep the brain fresh and working. 
something like that.  I jest. 

:: Vanderpump Rules :: 
I have such a hard time deciding who bothers me the most on this show…. but lately it’s Tom Schwartz.  I just really can’t.  I can’t. 

I think my #1 point is that he thinks he is SO FUNNY and SO COOL in his commentary like a 14 year old boy.  and don’t even get me started on his “modeling career”
I SERIOUSLY CAN NOT. CAN NOT. 
there is also a constant competition for who has the lowest IQ on this show (serious competition.  seeeerious) but I think Brittany from Kentucky who moves out to LA to move in with Jax, the most repulsive and disgusting man on the planet, is the winner.  
OH, and just because I saw this picture while looking for tom schwartz shirtless belly pictures (the things I do for you…..): 

people.  is this not the face that kristin makes that makes you the most insane possibly of all while watching this show?  when she’s all giggly and ready to be a lunatic but pretending she’s not?  k…. just checking that we are all on the same page….. 

:: Girlfriends Guide to Divorce ::
I love this show so much.  Just binge watched 2 episodes and man…. it’s getting a little deep.  Kind of very deep and emotional. So much going on.  Bravo scripted shows really know how to bring out my emotions. 
It honestly makes me Ramotional. 

:: Life in Pieces ::
if you aren’t watching it yet, you are missing out. 

:: DWTS :: 
UM whitney, the cutest thing ever, on dancing with the start married her high school sweetheart and just LOOK how freaking ADORABLE she is. 



:: Peoples Choice Awards :: 
I really disliked the majority of everyones looks? 
am I wrong?
kate hudson was one of my favorites though


I’m off to whisper profanities in my first Pure Barre class since Thanksgiving.
they are so smart to charge you for late cancellations because girl scouts honor I would cancel every Friday morning if I could.  


  




by  
coffee talk, Lifestyle

COFFEE TALK

discuss amongst ya-sleves…… 

:: THE BACHELOR :: 
Ummmmmmm REJOICE REJOICE in the NEW YEAR.
because with the new year comes a new season of the Bachelor, and we all know the Bachelor is 97 times better than the Bachelorette because we get TWENTY EIGHT CRAZY GIRLS that we get to watch every week find love make fools of themselves.

and for the first time since practically Andrew Firestone (for those of who haven’t watched The Bachelor for the last 15 years, Andrew Firestone was a sexy, rich, successful bachelor that no one knew about until he was on the show – BACK WHEN THEY KNEW HOW TO DO IT CORRECTLY)….. but I digress…. for the first time since Mr. Firestone, I am excited about a Bachelor! 
Ben is physically my type, doesn’t seem to have any skeletons in the closet, and seems to be an all around normal nice guy.  Adios Farmer Chris, Juan Pah-loh, and Ben Flajnik aka Francine from Arthur. 
I could go for a little less of the calling mom + dad, thinking you’re unloveable, talking about how you “drop in to see your teachers from high school”, and possibly being too emotional, but hey! you’re sweet and super hot and I don’t dislike you yet, so go get ’em Benny Boo Boo Boo Boo!!  
editors note : for those of you that immediately thought of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days when reading Benny Boo Boo, lets be friends. k thanks. 

we have all the ingredients we need for “the most dramatic season in bachelor history”,
 starting with names and careers and enough sparkly gowns to compete with senior prom.
Jami with no E.  you know trashy spellings of names make my heart go pitter patter
single mom of TWO (quite the twist ABC – TWO not just one) who looks and sounds no older than 18 herself.
professions that include : a chicken enthusiast, unemployed girl, “twins” – that is their listed profession
we have a girl who doesn’t speak english the entire episode, girl who enters on a hoverboard (also the unemployed girl, natch), an instagram stalker, and crazy-ass-dentist who enters with a giant rose on her head.  and thats just to name a few. 
OH and a girl named “lace” 

luckily, Ben kept the craziest one (that we know of thus far) LACE.
she is the most entertaining for viewers kind of crazy, and also the worst kind of crazy for ben; she flips out over such things as NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT. 
 I meannnnnn HOW DARE HE. 
oh em gee y’all this is gonna be so. damn. good. 

I love that the show ends with Ben being like “soooo just to clarify, the reason you are upset is that I didn’t make eye contact?”
DUH BEN. why else would a lunatic be upset?! women are COMPLETELY reasonable people and dating dozens of them at once is the SMARTEST decision you have ever made! get ready for weeks of pure hormonal jealous crazy pants hell! 

 ben : “I don’t understand I gave her a rose what the heck does she want?” 
don’t worry ben…. she’ll just suck the life out of you and make you want to poke your eyes out with your fork.  thank you, shady ABC producers, on behalf of all of us, for making sure she sticks around 🙂 
I hope she continues to wear hideous lace clothing just like her name whilst downing 10 glasses of wine. 

the SECRET and DELAYED crazy is definitely going to be the news anchor. 
I can just smell it.  I know it.  she’s definitely the “isn’t there to make friends” girl. drinking game: drink when girl says “I’m not here to make friends” or “I’m here for ben” 
 in addition to drinking for the usual “journey” or  “here to find love”…. you know the drill… 
she’ll be the one that is soooo perfect around him and then a crazy pants to the girls and they will despise her.

I know I am leaving out 95% of the show and I apologize don’t worry, we’re just getting started.  I cannot wait for next week!!!  

{see end of post for bachelor related jackhole(s)}

:: Jimmy Kimmel Post-Bachelor :: 
why have I not been watching Jimmy Kimmel on Mondays after The Bachelor/ette airs? 
its AMAZING.  he and his wife are totally into it, and he calls these people out for everything. 
UMMMM side note!!! 
He also had my girl crush Jennifer Lopez on so you know I was through-the-roof excited. She looked beautiful as ever and talks about how her Vegas Show and how her  mom loves to gamble and won 2.4 million on a slot machine in vegas.
whaaaaat. and she loves marshalls. she’s probably lying, but she said it, so that means she must only shop at marshals right? they sell sparkle jumpsuits and plunging v-neck gowns like hot cakes, right!? 
……and I am DEFINITELY the crazy stalker girl from the bachelor that freaked Ben out but instead for J.Lo.  

jimmy then gives his/his wifes votes for the top 5 and winner of the show and I think he’s probably spot on,
 and then he says to Ben’s face “and then you’ll break-up within 4-6 months”
PREACH Jimmy PREACH! 
just kidding… I totes believe in love!! love y’all!
 and the 4% success rate of this show…… 
and Ben is TOTALLY LOVEABLE and needs to BELIEVE IT,
so lets hope for at least a 1 Year+ engagement period……. 

:: RHOBH :: 
sooooo why did Bravo play new episodes of shows between Christmas and New Years??!! I had no idea and now am having to seriously catch up on things and with Making a Murderer homegirl aint got time for that!  My eyes are crossing! 

anyways, 
Yolanda goes to get her breast implants and leakage removed, and all she wants is David first thing coming out/waking up…. it makes me so sad for her.  Divorcing seriously must have been the worst thing ever for her – she is NUTS over him.
and seriously, ENOUGH with the cancer-gate-brooks-yolanda.
but I still can never remember the word they say –
i keep having to google it – Munchausen Syndrome. 
am I the only one who had never heard of this before? never heard that word in my life. 

so the ladies go to the Hamptons for a magazine cover party for Lisa VPump.
the place turns in to a night club at night, and all of the rooms surround the pool/club area.
it’s clearly every 40-50+ year old woman’s Hamptons Dream and makes TOTAL sense for her party and for all of them to be there.  Totally.  Yep.
So Lisa arrives and sees that the ladies rented a house in the hamptons to stay at instead because, you know, DUH. and Lisa is PEESED. 
enough vanderpump! you wouldn’t have stepped foot into that place! 
even BEFORE the 4 am raging noise – yeah freaking right!
editors note :I want to go there! it looked so cute and so fun! 
and ENOUGH with asking kyle about her sister at the most inopportune times ever
what is wrong with you!?

:: jackhole(s) of the week :: 
chris soules, jason mesnick, sean lowe “mentoring'” ben higgins
and sean,  thumbs up for being on Marriage Boot Camp with your wife; in case you didn’t realize, everyone else on that show is a raging lunatic with LEGIT marital issues and you possibly just became the most desperate 7 minutes of fame seeking couple to come out of bachelor history.
which is a prettttttyy difficult title to take. 

and THEN there’s a MCDONALDS COMMERCIAL.
I mean? For real.
But All Day Breakfast at McDonald’s is the greatest thing to ever happen in the history of the world, so once again, Ben is my favorite Bachelor ever. 


also, totally not coffee talk related, but the sale ends today and I just had to share 🙂 
$7 Fleece Lined Tights at Neiman Marcus Last Call.

I’m not buying much this month to save some money  because I wear a giant black puffy coat over anything I’m wearing in these freezing cold anyway so who cares
but these are a necessity!!! its time for my first “why do I live here” of the year
WHY DO I FREAKING LIVE HERE!? AND ITS NOT EVEN BAD YET!?
I’m off to catch up on Girlfriends Guide to Divorce, Vanderpump Rules, and everything else……. 

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  
#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.



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