The Sarcastic Blonde

fashion, food, fitness + a dose of sarcastic gossip

coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

discuss amongst ya-selves…….. 
  
:: APRES SKI :: 
I hate when I forget to say something week after week after week,
but I love when I FINALLY remember it when its actually time to write this post.
Are any of you watching Apres Ski? I enjoy it. Shocker. 
Not the greatest but I don’t hate it.
There is lots of controversy about Elise, the head B-I-C. 

and all I need to say is,
SHE HAS A TAT ON HER BOOB OF HER OWN NAME.
you know, in case she forgets?
or the man she is with forgets? 


I really ____  _____ 
(fill in the blank: hint : just can’t. I can’t).
okay, so I google.  and turns our she was on Hells Kitchen ( I really need to see this because her and the contestants and Gordon Ramsey probably all went nuts)
and then all these like, lingerie Maxim-esque photos of her show up. 





….. first thoughts:
wait, did I google a Bachelor contestants name? no it must not be, these are like PG-13 pics, the bachelorette contestants always end up being XXX.
oh my gosh I’m so excited for The Bachelor.  Countdown is ON. 


:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 


tom and tom’s meeting with vanderpump (and her daughter and her daughters hot but way too pretty and kinda pompous and metro husband) was hilarious. 


Did these people even graduate from high school? Do they even have a GED?


Shaves-His-Forhead-Tom is so embarrassed when Wannabe-Cool-Unemployed-Fake-Model-Tom talks….. and then other Tom can’t form a sentence either. 






Ariana is super annoyed at work when lover Shaves-Forhead-Tom acts like he came up with the idea of serving a pink girly drink for a luncheon.  I mean! The gall!  Ariana, you serve cocktails.  No one is creating Facebook over here, but glad you take your job so seriously.  And you have heard your boyfriend speak before right? Even if you were creating something miraculous he would have no idea how to steal an idea.  





WOAH.  Time out. 


a commercial just came on for the Vanderpump After Show and Jax’s little kentucky girlfriend got some IM. PLANTS.


I am seriously so breast obsessed that while I am eating, on my computer, and simultaneously on my phone, I see her come on the screen for 1 seconds during the commercial and am like WHAT WERE THOSE I JUST SAW! 


I mean, in her nonexistent romper underwear she wore to interview at Sur twice,  I was thinking Yay flaunting a flat chest! You go girl! buuuuttttt clearly she’s been Jaxed. 






I just hope it’s not from the same surgeon as Jax’s THREE nose jobs.


BECAUSE YIKES.





:: WWHL :: 


Did you catch my-boyfriend-andy-cohens self proclaimed worst episode of WWHL EVER with with lala and james on Monday? 


THESE PEOPLE DISGUST ME THEY ARE JUST THE WORST. 





half of the show was dead air from them having to bleep their curse words.


the rest of it was these trash ball morons acting like they were bad ass with the most obnoxious non-answers to questions.  Lala would answer each question with another question like “WHY NOT?!” or “Yeah. BECAUSE.” and make some squishy fish face as if it was something sexually appealing and also as if it actually was her speaking words and answering a question like a normal human.


but half of it I don’t even know, or care, what they said because it was all bleeped out. 


THESE PEOPLE ARE THE WORST YET I CANT LOOK AWAY. 


for once I agreed with Jax (I need a drink…..) 










:: RHOBH :: 


we finally meet Erika new girl!!! 


am I the only one that was  shocked when followed up her cocktail waitress meeting her much richer husband with the fact that they had been married for 15 years?!


I was like DAMN GIRL talk about a plot twist! Good for you two!  Love really does know no age! (except for me personally it DEFINITELY knows an age….. call me crazy, but I don’t think even if I had been over served one too many vodka martinis on an empty stomach after a stomach flu that I would look at a 50 year old man and be like “Who is that unattractive older man that is 20+ years my senior and we have zero in common? I must meet him and date him?”


but hey….. no judgement no judgement….. you do you


but she seems funny, and so far I like her.  




 I was thinking that I’ll pass on the music and dancing and all of that, especially the nude pubic hair outfit, but its hilarious. 


her choreographer voiceovers for the dance moves :


“pat the puss pat the puss crawl kitty cat meow”


and then turns out she’s like, a legit music person for clubs and thinks I’m not cool enough to understand? never saw that coming either!  You’ve shocked me twice in 5 minutes I really like you! 







and then I think OH EM GEE why do I know her choreographer?!


what famous person does he work with, because when I see a face I don’t ever need to remember on TV, you bet your ass I REMEMBER IT.


when I need to recall someones name to introduce them to someone else?


NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE.





ughhhhhh I’m just not ready for the “brooks cancer gate” to start next weekend with yolanda and her lyme disease. 


it’s making my stomach hurt I feel so awful about it….. not like, stomach hurting because I am making up an illness because of my sadness for her….. or wait…. 


just kidding.  NO, for real, no jokes I am all HASHTAG TEAM YOLANDA.





:: JOY ::


I really really really want to see this movie. 


really. 


and now I have been singing carly rae jepson for 10 minutes and can’t get out of my head 








:: MAZEL :: 


my-boyfriend-andy-cohen for his show Then and Now.





A show dedicated to pop culture and events in different years?


It’s like a modern day I Love The 80’s, 90’s, etc.  (remember how amazing that VH1 show?)


it is AMAZING. I love it. 





I am right on the edge of getting sick, I can just feel it, and I WILL NOT ALLOW IT.


so I am off to bed. 




who am I kidding I’ll probably keep watching bravo until I pass out, but closing the laptop is self control people. 


but I am ACTUALLY going to post tomorrow….. 





friday goals…. I can do it….. 




as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  
#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.






by  
coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

discuss amongst ya-selves…… 

:: RHOBH:: 
this week was a big fat yawn. I’m ready for the new girl thats a crazy part time singer in basically nude-britney-spears-sparkles-jumpsuit attire to enter the picture already. 
david was really the face of support, showing up for the dental procedure when it had already started, and booking it out of there before they even sat the dental chair up.  she’s coughing out “I love you baby” and the doors closing while he’s like”ya uh huh okay”.  

pretty sure yolanda would have carried david home on her back and done ANYTHING for him if the roles were reversed, but what do I know, he probably had a meeting with Babyface so she totes understands???  


at least Yolandas ‘Health Advocate’ cares for her…… but wait… her Health Advocate is kinda giving me the heebie jeebies.  Bring back gig’s ex-boyfriends mom for support, she was cute and normal and way more fun. 


I am soooo confused by Kyle and Wedding-gate. 
I mean I knew everything was crap between Kyle and Kim but who knew it was with Kathy too.



How messed up is it to be like “your one daughter is a flower girl, and another daughter is coming too, but not the other girls, not you, and not your husband.” WTF? 
like, yeah go drop your 5 year old off in London and come back and pick her up when she gets tired of the reception.  Mmmmmmokay.  I really wanna know whats going on here.
But clearly not as much as VANDERPUMP does.
Uggghhhhh.  Episode 2, Round 2 of me being like ENOUGH ALREADY.
(and don’t even get me started on Ken being a total bitch about Kyle and her mumus to start the episode…. what husband sits in his wife closet making snarky and bitchy and gossipy comments. I. literally. can’t. with. him. He’s seriously a bigger bitch than any of them.)

BUT I DIGRESS……..
no one wanted to find out more information about the wedding invite being on and then off and then on again more than Lisa.  who cares that her daughters are all at the dinner table and they guests on this vacation, lets keep digging and twisting.



kyle says we’ll talk it about it later LOCK IT UP to lisa more than once, but it isn’t enough.  
it takes her poor daughter having to say it too for her to stop.

Ugh she make me CRAZY. 


okay and one more comment, Amy B.(a  lovely reader who sends me the best emails) sent me a story speculating if Yolanda is Poor or Rich Poor since all of this sickness and divorce stuff. 
a snippet : 

Is she rich people broke or real people broke? If she’s rich people broke, that just means she has to fly first class instead of in a private jet and has instructed her weekday chef to serve caviar-encrusted Kobe beef twice a week instead of four times a week. The only thing I need to know is if Lemonhead Yolanda can still afford to buy her precious lemons. Because if I hear about how Yolanda was arrested at Whole Foods for stealing lemons, I will immediately start a GoFundMe page and a lemon drive for her. I refuse to live in a world where Yolanda Foster is without her lemons.

Not only did I laugh rull hard at the above,
 I read a part about David’s kids being on a VH1 show nobody watches and I was like waaiiiiiit a minute

I had no idea the blonde girls that Nicole Richie hangs out with were his kids.
Mind. Blown. 
And I call myself a blogger who claims to know everything about useless infomrmation no else cares about?! I mean, I am mortified.  If I can’t say I am an expert on useless crap, I don’t even know who I am. 


:: Kris Jenner’s Next Money Maker is Born :: 
Kimye had their baby boy and named him Saint.
I have always thought that Kanye RUNS SHEYITE in that relationship…… I just can’t possibly imagine it any other way – he’s such a lunatic – and my first thought when I heard “Saint” was that he must have been like “THIS IS THE NAME” and Kim is too embarrassed to be like “UM I dated a celeb football player on The Saints for a gazillion years and it was highly publicized but OK, Saint it is.”



Kanye would be appalled, like “is that you in a JERSEY? and A T SHIRT?
and A BASEBALL CAP????  MY EYESSS”
but really these names are just awful.
Even Apple sounds normal now. 
By the time I have a baby I’m just naming him/her “Croughnut” or something, so instead of stupid lines like Kris Jenner being like “Aw he’s such a Saint (tongue in cheek haha)” I can be like “Yes, my baby is as sweet and delicious as an actual Croughnut.”
hashtag respect.


and in case you still need to get some last minute Christmas shopping in,
check out all of the Kardashian Gift Guides here
Kim recommends the $1,000 Kanye West Weekender Bag for the man in your life. 



because every man that carries a $1,000 bag wears oversized camo tee shirts. 
yep. those rich boys look just like that man in the picture above.  
    
:: Vanderpump Rules ::
This show is just FILTHY.  
I honest feel like an 80 year old Grandma watching it because my jaw is on the floor, and then I talk out loud at the television in astonishment at the things coming out of their mouths.



(see last months Coffee Talk  about the Lost Children of Rockdale County to comprehend the extent of Crabs and Syphillis and Who Knows What Other Diseases these ‘servers’ are passing around). 
lisa, you need more than large derby hat to protect yourself from you own employees, but nice try. 



I just still REALLY can’t wrap my head around these girls sleeping with James, let alone doing what they did to him with the scratches and stuff.
Like, even all of these skinny betches outweigh him.  He is 100 pounds soaking wet. 

ALSO, how hilarious/pathetically sad was it to see Kristin at Sur on Gay Pride Day trying to get in the STAFF PHOTO!? like, WHAT?  did you forgot to take your crazy pills today?! 



:: WWHL ::
sooooooo then Kristin is on WWHL (with a black eye and puffy lip post reconstructive surgery.  I am NOT buying the “fell out of an uber story” whatsoever)
and who is in the audience that came to the show with her?
STASSI.  



these people not only have all kinds of messed up sexual relationships with anyone and everyone, it clearly extends to all aspects of their lives.
I’m preeeetttyyy sure you two have had physical altercations and Stassi made you’re life a living hell, but, whatever BFF’s now.


:: MERCI ::
there is a commercial that I first saw whilst watching SNL
and it is SO BAD that I literally thought it was an SNL Commercial Short or something



who wrote that jingle. and who is singing it.
and who can come fix my ears.
and who can now help me get that out of my head because damn it its an annoyingly catchy awful jingle! 

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  
#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.




by  
coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: COFFEE TALK ::



discuss amongst ya-selves…… 

note: Coffee Talk is a place for sarcasm and nonsense and completely unimportant trivial things. 
I never mean to seem insensitive to the much more important and horrifically sad things going on in the world, and although I never really comment here about them, my thoughts and prayers are always there. 
this is simply a spot to think about something else for a brief moment and hopefully smile. 

there was no Coffee Talk last week because I was busy giving thanks and spending time with loved ones.
 Geez Thanksgiving!! 
 and there is half-assed one today because I spent the night with my husband, listening to Christmas music, decorating our house, with no TV or computer in sight. sometimes you need a night with your loved one and nothing else.   
I know…….  
I’m wondering if I was drugged too…… 
….but because I’m taking the time now that its way past bedtime to type out a half-assed post, I’m thinking I’m still sane.  

so…… we need to discuss RHOBH, 
because when the best Housewives are back, we must discuss.  It can’t be delayed. 

:: RHOBH :: 
I have something to say, and most of you aren’t gonna like it.
I’m just really over and kinda done with Lisa Vanderpump.
from the first scene, with her making her stupid one liner “jokes” that are always so predictable or at someone else expense, I’m like, you aren’t even funny! enough!  



it’s been slowly building, especially since last season, and it’s never one particular thing but its when everything rolls together.
and then when you top it with a talking-sheyite on Yolanda cherry.
nay nay fluffy. 
but we’ll get to that.
the other lisa, the better, more amazing, ACTUALLY hilarious Lisa Rina is back we should just slow clap for her.  just a few reasons the slow clap is deserved : 
her daughter works in a Deli.  God bless you Lisa. 
she has her husband at, like, number 16 on her favorites list on her phone.   
she is hardworking, and comments on how so many women just get expensive handbags handed to them from rich husbands and probably hate their lives.  then realizes, ha, wait, they probably actually like it never mind.  
she is capable of being embarrassed : she draws the line at a diarrhea commercial.  standards people. 


sweet little Eileen is back – and though not much to comment on – whats not to like about a sweet, normal person in real life that plays a crazy betch everyday on TV and is very likely still the least crazy out of all of these housewives. 



kyle is living the life with mauricio and her family,
 and then we talk about Kim and everything goes to crap for her.  



ugh.  I really feel all the feels for kyle about everything involving her sister.    


and finally, 
(because we haven’t been introduced to the 2 new blonde train wrecks yet …. and lets be honest…. even if they grow on us as the season passes, they always start out as just complete hot messes that try too hard …. we’ll see if I’m right (spoiler alert: I will be….. and then somehow I’ll love them….)) 


so finally, Yolanda. 
to be shallow and vain and honest with you, it really isn’t the same without the fabulous house tucked amongst the lemon trees and a walk in refrigerator. 
it’s just not.  but obviously I can’t say that because dammit thats not whats important here! have a heart!
but Yolanda is back, with the Lyme disease getting worse, and I feel just awful for her!! 
I meannnnn I think it goes without saying that the news of her divorce from David announced right before the premiere was shocking.  did not see that one coming. 
so yolanda has been trying all different treatments all over the world and not getting any better, and basically from what it seems getting worse. 
she decides to try to make an appearance at Rinna’s birthday party.
she goes, and Vanderpump just starts in with her awful-ness right away! 
oh – and I forgot, prior to this, she is already making comments acting like “something fishy is going on” with Yolanda’s lyme disease, implying she is lying or faking somehow. 

You better watch yourself, Girl!!! 
and Vanderpump doesn’t stop. 


with lines such as “put some under eye concealer on.”


EX-CUSE-MEEEEE?????? 


“if i didn’t feel well, i wouldn’t be there.”


yep.  officially done with Vanderpump.  for real.  she should be ashamed of herself. 


and then Ken (who, by the way, DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED, the way he has spoken to (YELLED AT) women on this show and gotten involved in the drama in past years horrifies me – never okay.)  and then Ken interrupts kyle or rinna or one of them who is saying she looks beautiful to say she looks awful.


and then says imn his commentary “I told her she looked good, I probably made her feel better, you know, a man telling her she looked good.”


Oh yes, Ken. Your opinion means so much to her.   


I CAN’T PEOPLE.  I CAN’T.  


……….


(10 second pause for dramatic effect)


……….


I JUST CAN’T.





I can already sense that Vanderpump is going down the “does brooks have cancer”-gate way with Yolanda and THIS BEYOTCH (me) over here is NOT GONNA TAKE IT. 





OHHHHH and ONE MORE COMMENT


I’m sorry


but I’d love to see an episode of all of you filming with zero make-up. 


 not even sick with no make-up! just no make-up!


 and then we’ll see who’s talking sheyite! 


because unless I’m blind, she looks pretty damn good to me!


  she’s a model.  she is sick.  she looks better than probably 90% of america. or more. 


SO LOCK IT UP. 




:: vanderpump rules :: 


my deepest sympathies that I do not have time to discuss the second greatest show of the week.





it just gets better and better…..(aka worse and worse) …… these people…. I just can’t. 





:: bachelor ::


bachelor commercials are already starting for january 


AND I CANNOT WAIT. 








let me know your thoughts 🙂 


and I know the world is filled with Vanderpump lovers…


 and I just really put all my bad feels out there…..


but, sorry I’m not sorry 




promise to gossip more next time! 




as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  
#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.


















by  
coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

discuss amongst ya-selves…… 

:: ERMAHGERD :: 
victoria posted about where the ermahgerd meme originates and ERMAHGERD 


:: real housewives of cheshire ::


now airs weekends on Bravo


another brand of housewives has arrived (well… arrived awhile ago, but similar to Melbourne, they play it for us long after it originally airs there). 


Similar to the RHoMelbourne, I have no idea what they are saying half the time because of their accents.


also similar to Melbourne, half of them are named after tiny dog stuffed animals. 


Ampika.


Magali. 


where do these come from? Makes ‘Apple’ and ‘North” sound normal. 


So far, it’s an eh. But there’s this : 


 It definely isn’t no Ladies of London, but many are rich, plastic surgeried-up, and married to famous soccer players so I’ll hang in there.  


HASHTAG no kidding I’ll hang in there, what else am I going to do, go outdoors? 





:: vanderpump rules :: 


Um.  I can’t believe Lala will just admit she’s basically an escort for rich dudes on television.  Oh wait…. yes I can.  She’s on the cast of Vanderpump Rules. 


I think she and baby-bus-boy-James are dating now.  This place is so incestuous I don’t know how the whole staff doesn’t have to call ins sick at the same time for a herpes cold sore outbreak.  


they literally are like a smaller, more famous version of The Lost Children of Rockdale County. 


for those of you who know what I am discussing with The Lost Children of Rockdale County, you either grew up in Georgia or had a sex ed teacher scare the hell out of in middle/high school.  


allow me to educate you….. or click the link above, this story was WIDESPREAD, you know, back when we grew up and teens sleeping around was A BIG HUGE DEAL.


they had us watch one of the frontline specials on it and I’ll never forget this giant web of BAD BAD STD’s they drew.





the catholic schools are very effective in scaring the hell of out you and making you want to vomit during sexual education. 


BUT, point begin, I seriously feel like this is a map of the employees at Sur. 


they are constantly in a tangled web of nastiness. 


(editors note: we had to play this high school in football one time at an AWAY game on THEIR campus and you best believe we did not even set foot in that bathroom.  screw the hover method, I’ll hold it.   


second editors note: my husband just said he had no idea what I’m talking about so A. maybe only Georgia people knew about this or B. it’s the catholic scare tactic thing really working years later that I thought THE WORLD knew about this or C. it’s like most things in life and no one knows what I’m talking about) 


BUT I DIGRESS……. sorry for my educational syphillis moment there….. 





the only other thing I really took from Vanderpump Rules : 


scheana’s husband shay has been drinking and popping pills and she never knew this before…. she doesn’t give a crap about Lala’s escort problems because


 she can “guarantee what she’s going through is worse” 


so step off Lisa! and get me a pressed linen napkin for me to dap my eyes with so my eye makeup doesn’t run and I lose a lash! 





last week we saw scheana’s living room with blown up wedding photos everywhere.


ev-er-y-wh-ere. 


this week, we walk in to her bedroom and there are even MORE blown up wedding photos all over the walls. 


I CAN’T.  I just love this show so much.  


I just wish I could find better photos of this! damn google!






I mean, no wonder Shay isn’t coming home….. he wakes up from a drug or booze binge and sees blown up life size images of himself and of you and freaks the hell out.  I’d be scared to come home too.  


(but seriously addiction and marital problems are sad…..


 but no really, even more sad is the decor of this apartment). 







Um, I was reading US Weekly, and saw this blurb about Nick Jonas and diabetes.





So…. OK raising awareness for diabetes is wonderful, 


but striking a sexy pose subtly showing off your abs with your insulin pump is just WIERD.  


like, what are you looking at? and if you’re going to lift your shirt LIFT YOUR SHIRT don’t do a like “hey girl, I’m not lifting my shirt” lift of the shirt.  amiright?! 









:: McD’s MOZZARELLA STICKS ::


my sister had texted me a few months ago that there were mozzarella sticks at her mcdonalds and I was praying that this would become a national thing.


I MEAN first we get ALL DAY breakfast and now we can have an ele-gant eye-talion appetizer to kick off a hot McD’s date night?! 


be still my beating heart. 


never. gets. old. ever. 







:: below deck finale :: 



EDDIE? WTF?  Stone cold liar! 


And a good one at that.  If I hadn’t seen and heard it with our own eyes and ears, I would have totally believed that Rocky was spreading rumors and Eddie was still the golden boy.


Damn Eddie. Oscar worthy dramatic performance.  What has boat life done to you? 


Eyeing the camera crew (uh uh… you also have had a microphone on the whole 6 weeks you dumbass) and grabbing scissors to break in to Rockys room to yell at her for talking lies about you?! 


Anyways, then he admits to it, they laugh and are cool with each other, and then they drink more and hate each other again because they argue about who started it.


whatever….. most importantly…. 


I. AM. SO. EXCITED. FOR. THE. REUNION.


I hope my-boyfriend-andy-cohen has the doorbell ring WWHL-style and in walks EDDIE’s GIRLFRIEND-OR-EX-GF AMY!  


AND Leon.


AND the drunk deckhand hippie that got kicked off. 


AND Kat from last season.





…… Ok I need to go to sleep for real….. 




:: jackhole of the week :: 


I channeled my Inner-Jeff-Lewis Friday night 


while the boys were picking up late night food on our way home. 


 (and I was like “No…. I’m good” and eye’d Kip so he would telepathically know to order a whole separate meal for me but pretend it was for him so I could feel good about not ordering late night food.  HASHTAG MARRIAGE)


He was, like, passed out mid meal.  It was wonderful. 


BUT I’m the jack hole because instead of just hiding behind him and smiling at the camera I totally messed up the photobomb and imitated him. WHAT WAS I THINKING?! 


DAMN IT. I guess I’ll have to find other people to photobomb this weekend to redeem myself.




as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  
#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.





 




by  
coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: COFFEE TALK ::

discuss amongst ya-selves……



:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 



this trash is just the best damn trash in the world. 


it’s just new level trash every week.  always. 


I love that kristin is like “I’m so zen”….. no kristin you’re still bat sheeyite crazy, doing the exact same stalker girlfriend things, you just keep your mouth closed now more than you used to. and I’m suuuuuuure I hope it won’t last long.





even though James is clearly using the relationship as a reason to be on the show (because, sorry James, I don’t think ‘unattractive teenage early 20’s bus boy turned occasional DJ’ would make the casting cut) I do still commend them for not breaking up yet. 


the hunger for 15 minutes of fame must be intense. 


but I’m even thankful for James, for his Fireball to the face moments, and especially for him lying straight to Kristins face about cheating and then in the confessional saying this


I mean….. Kristin really knows how to pick ’em.


 


but the main thing we learned this week is not that Jax is still a manwhore who thinks girls from Kentucky have never heard of Google (yeah Jax…. she knows nothing about you and your past….)


but that Scheana is even more white trash than we ever thought.


I know…. I know….


you’re like “UMMM she wore a crop top wedding dress, I think we know.”


BUT NO. …..








SCHEANA HAS HUGE,BLOWN UP WEDDING PHOTOS ON CAVAS ALL OVER HER APARTMENT.



I CANT.


there are no pictures to be found (UGH and I deleted already so I can’t take a classy picture of my TV screen), 


but this clip gives a small taste in the background for those of you that missed it 🙂

Gigantic pictures all over one entire wall.  LITERALLY CAN’T. I CAN’T










:: LADIES OF LONDON :: 



My favorite part of every show is the intro, where it just shows their houses and them doing the daily family life activities and the fun music plays in the background. 




I havent talked much about the show because I realize every time I write something for Coffee Talk I delete it because it makes no sense. 



I can’t put my finger on it…… like I love them and then they each annoy the hell out of me.



And I think the common theme is they all have this mentality : 



well except for Julie.  Poor Julie.  I’ve never seen a grown woman sob like that about things like….. a yoga pose….. or a text.  How tightly would she be wound without yoga?   





but the rest of them, definitely impressed with themselves.  




Like Caroline Fleming… .. I thought she would be my favorite.  She’s gorgeous, royal, a great cook, martha stewarty, and have the face of a little angel.  She’s so sweet and homey and then everything is like “i CANOT BELIEVE someone did this to ME” or “how DARE you be late to breakfast! YOU ARE AT MY HOME”.  she like, mothers and shames everyone constantly.  or tells them they should be super grateful and lucky to be in her presence.  Like turning to Sarcastic Sassy Caroline and saying “You should be honored that I’m taking you to see my mothers gravestone”.  Like….. IT’S IMPLIED.  WE GET IT CAROLINE.  IT DOESN’T NEED TO BE VERBALIZED WE GET IT. 



its all like…. me me me



Caroline Stanbury’s sarcasm really is a saving grace though.  



and the main reason my-boyfriend-andy-cohen better have a season 3? 



It is wonderful to see that the drama and arguments are so much more civilized.  It’s (usually) the way grown women should disagree, 



versus the real housewives where its like……. 





although ya gotta admit…. with the housewives….  



you just can’t look away!  

oh my gosh now I just need to go watch this whole Beverly Hills Season 1 dinner scene. 
It was SO GOOD. 









:: BELOW DECK :: 


I am so excited for next week’s finale. 


Rocky has finally reached the tipping point on her never-ending-crazy scale (if it ever ends) mascara streaming down her face crying over eddie


whaaaaaaat? 

what happened to sweet Eddie of seasons past?? 
the stress of his girlfriend anne back home is making him a bit bipolar and Ra-motional.



I meannnnnnn Eddie is an ass for acting like nothing ever happened and saying “I would never hook up with anyone on the boat”, and THEN acting like she started it, but still,  Rocky, lock it up girl.  what did you think a text to meet up in the laundry room was supposed to lead to?  


the next morning there is a clip of her SOBBING in bed under the covers. 


I mean…. SOB-BING. sobbing so hard that I can count on one hand the number of times I have ever cried that hard and I am, like, an emotional basket case.



emile continues his childish attempts to get rocky’s attention, and can’t handle adult emotions, so he lashes out on Connie for basically doing a good job and calls her a whore.  emile is actually just as sadly entertaining as rocky in all of this. 





I am SO excited for the reunion.











:: COACH CHARMING :: 



I completely forgot about this show premiering and I am kicking myself.



But Hallelujah it was on the People’s Couch this week so I got to enjoy a few select moments and oh. my. word. 





of course there are no gif’s to be found anywhere, but take my word for it – set your DVR ladies! 



and check out this little video clip 





UHM, YOU’RE WELCOME. 


:: mazel of the week :: 
yolanda foster.

looking like a boss as always as the VS fashion show despite still being sick.
and I mean, Gigi looks okay, I guess.

:: jackhole of the week :: 
more brooks and OC drama continues tonight on Bravo!
and meghan king edmonds will be there with a headpiece to give her sherlock homes findings too I’m sure

(also, E! News has good dirt from their interviews with Brooks and Vicki is speaking out in a new interview too)

as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  
#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.



by  
coffee talk, Lifestyle

:: coffee talk ::

discuss amongst ya-selves…… 

:: OC REUNION :: 
hallelujah for part 3.  that it’s finally over and that the hour was actually filled with stuff. 
tamra’s fake crying over her concern/distaste for vicki was only slightly less disgusting than meghan’s fake crying over her horrible husbands ex-wife cancer + passing away.  like, meghan, just stop.  seriously.  stop. 
if you want to be all Harriet The Spy Psycho then go for it, 
but please quit dragging the deceased mother of your step kids into every second of it with fake tears.   you are looking worse than Tamra, which, is like, WOAH. 
am I the only one that was like “ok brianna…..time to get off the couch….. you can go now.”  liiiiiiike we heard what you brought to the table, some more evidence proving brooks is the worst, but seriously why are you still sitting there? 
and worse, everything Brianna says Tamara is her echo repeating it and adding details and nodding and nodding and that fake cry disgusted voice thing.
UGHHHH both of you just go away. 
part three was basically everyone attack vicki…. and yeah she deserved it. 
I’m SO glad Andy said that she had taken a Xanax
because this whole time I was mind boggled that she was remaining this calm.
Vicki has lost her damn mind, and we can blame Brooks all we want, but she needs some serious help just as much as he does.  
The only thing I can think of other than her being a pathological liar is what Heather said: “What does he have on you!?”
What does Brooks have in his pocket on her that she will help cover up his lies and go along with all of this cancer stuff??? I’m so confused. 
Vicki, the whole “I’m a smart woman” line you looooove to use needs to be retired because you are the biggest dumbass of them all.  Wait…. maybe not because there are just so many in this whole franchise, but still.  
I felt like the whole time she kept combining past tense and then present tense even in the same sentence when referring to brooks cancer? I can’t tell if this was from her Pill Popping or because she is still confused about if he has or doesn’t have cancer OR if she is just getting trapped in her own web of lies and doesn’t realize she is doing it. 


The more I keep typing about this damn reunion the more I change my mind.  It’s like Vicki admitted things, but then I’m like, no wait did she even?  She’ll say she ‘fabricated’ things and then she’ll say she didn’t know and that she thinks he has cancer.  Then later on she says she thinks he lied? I don’t even remember now…. you win Vicki and Brooks. 

The reunion ends and I’m like PREACH MY BOYFRIEND ANDY COHEN 
PAHHHHHH REACH
 I’m so glad this season is over because I can’t watch anymore. 
but then………..
 they show a commercial for a “Brooks tells all” next week.  Dammit!!!   You Bastasrds!!! They have me trapped!!!  He was interviewed by the British lady on E! News this week and everything he said she was ready with proof of each sentence being a lie.  IT WAS AWESOME.  Like, him saying 3 completely different dates for when he was diagnosed and each time her being like “no, you said this…..” 

one last comment: why, for all of these 22 episodes, do any of the women even care if he did or didn’t have cancer?  why was this the only story line for real, because in the end it shouldn’t affect them at all (except for distract from their own lives and what bad things may be going on in it) 

I think that was my worst recap ever….. they’ve exhausted me. 

:: LEA REMINI :: 
King of Queens is as frequent as Friends in this house.
it ranks as one of my top shows ever.  rerun after rerun I will never get sick of it. 
also something that is hard to look away from is anything involving scientology. 

especially celebs and scientology stories. 

SOOOO somehow I have missed her 20/20 interview, but I have read about a lot of it online and have seen clips on other news shows this week too.
I thiiiiiiink I may need to read her book.  

:: LADIES OF LONDON :: 
I don’t know how I haven’t talked about any of this, but I have gotten so many e-mails, DO NOT WORRY LADIES.  I watch every week.  
I think I haven’t talked about it because I like them all, then I dislike them all at certain points…. I love the show, but it’s hard to discuss because the drama is still very civilized and lets face it, none of them are really funny.  It’s like they bring a lot to the table in terms of a Bravo show that I like to watch, but there’s no real laughs in that show? Like, a few when Caroline does her sarcastic comments, but thats it? 
I don’t know I’ll think about it and come up with some opinions ….. I know you’ll be on pins and needles awaiting next weeks post. 

Editors note: I am awful writer today.  Even for me.
  as in not ‘sorry I’m not sorry’, but I am LEGIT sorry 


:: VANDERPUMP RULES :: 
the show with a cast to rival all reality programs in terms of the amount of despicable, shameful, horrible people is back.  SO GET EXCITED. 
not much has changed, 
Max’s face is still all jacked up despite his second THIRD nose job. like, WHAT? 
Scheana still thinks its all about her. 
Adrianna still hasn’t figured out what the whole world knows : her boyfriend Tom is batting for the other team.
THE FOREHEAD SHAVE : HASHTAG NEVER FORGET 
Tom continues to act like he is batting for the other team.
Kristen’s barely legal drinking age boyfriend is still saying he’s a DJ as if he plays anywhere other than Lisa’s restaurant whilst filming for the show and then he’s like “cough and I bus tables cough”
and Kristen is saying she is calm and therapy has changed her, but, 
SPOILER ALERT IT HASN’T SHE IS STILL INSANE.  

most importantLly I am still the biggest lunatic, because the second they showed Crazy Kristen talking I was like PRAISE GOD !!!!! SHE IS WEARING INVISALIGN!!! IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME!!! 
I literally screamed it out loud. 
I know so many of you noticed and thought the same thing…… Bueller? 

:: and PUMP RULES AFTER SHOW :: 
starts Friday night, and is hosted by two of my favorite people, 
the chicks from People’s Couch.
I laugh my head off at this show, and usually it’s because Julie is talking. 

:: PROJECT RUNWAY FINALE :: 
tonight! tonight! tonight! 
who watches and who do you want to win!!?? 
and seriously how does Heidi Klum get more and more gorgeous every year? 

:: DWTS :: 
um, I can’t believe what I’m about to say, but I’ll say something nice about erin andrews.
I really liked her dress and her hair and everything this week.  

this picture doesn’t do her justice.  and she annoyed me the least she has in weeks.  I don’t know what happened to my heart of ice this week (keep reading…. its back…..)

:: JACKHOLE OF THE WEEK :: 
blake shelton.

did you really need to announce on the day of the CMA’s that you and Gwen Stefani were dating.
really? really? 
it just HAD to be said on one of the biggest days in country music where your ex-wife is surrounded by everyone important and she is completely in the public spotlight and jokes are being made during the show about their split? 
slow clap for you, blake. you are a pig. 
and you two should be ashamed of yourselves. 
I know, I know….. how do I really feel? 
as always, ignore my own blatant grammatical errors whilst I make fun of others poor grammar during coffee talk on a weekly basis.  
#hypocrite  #sorryimnotsorry
I write these posts late at night while simultaneously watching Bravo, taking snapchats of my snoring husband, and making to do lists of everything I was supposed to do and didn’t do that day and likely won’t do the next day either.  or the day after that.



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